Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Tobacconist: Sorry?
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Tobacconist: No, no, no.This ... tobacconist's.
Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this tobacconist's, it is scratched.
Tobacconist: No, no, no ...tobacco...er, cigarettes?
Hungarian: Yes, cigarettes. My hovercraft is full of eels.
Tobacconist: What?
Hungarian: (miming matches) My hovercraft is full of eels.
Tobacconist: Matches, matches? (showing some)
Hungarian: Yah, yah. (he takes cigarettes and matches and pulls out loose change; he consults his book) Er, do you want ... do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Tobacconist: I don't think you're using that right.
Hungarian: You great pouf.
Tobacconist: That'll be six and six, please.
Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I am no longer infected.
Tobacconist: (miming that he wants to see the book; he takes the book) It costs six and six ...(mumbling as he searches) Costs six and six ... Here we are ... Yandelvayasna grldenwi stravenka.
Hungarian hits him between the eyes. Policeman walking along the street suddenly stops and puts his hand to his ear. He starts running down the street, round corner and down another street, round yet another corner and down another street into the shop
Policeman: What's going on here then?
Hungarian: (opening book and pointing at tobacconist) You have beautiful thighs.
Policeman: What?
Tobacconist: He hit me.
Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait till lunchtime.
Policeman: Right! (grabs him and drags him out)
Hungarian: My nipples explode with delight.
Cut to a courtroom.
Clerk: Call Alexander Yahlt
Voices: Call Alexander Yahlt. Call Alexander Yahlt. Call Alexander Yahlt. (They do this three times finishing with harmony)
Magistrate: Oh, shut up.
Clerk: You are Alexander Yahlt?
Yahlt: (Derek Nimmo's voice (dubbed on)) Oh I am.
Clerk: Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yahlt?
Yahlt: (normal voice) I am.
Clerk: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May 1970, you did wilfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrasebook with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?
Yahlt: Not guilty.
Clerk: You live at 46, Horton Terrace?
Yahlt: I do live at 46, Horton Terrace.
Clerk: You are the director of a publishing company?
Yahlt: I am the director of a publishing company.
Clerk: Your company publishes phrasebooks?
Yahlt: My company does publish phrasebooks.
Clerk: You did say 46, Horton Terrace, didn't you?
Yahlt: Yes.
He claps his hand to his mouth; gong sounds - general applause.
Clerk: Ha, ha, ha, I got him.
Magistrate: Get on with it! Get on with it!
Clerk: Yes, m'lud, on the 28th of May, you published this phrasebook.
Yahlt: I did.
Clerk: I quote an example. The Hungarian phrase meaning 'Can you direct me to the station?' is translated by the English phrase, 'Please fondle my bum'.
Yahlt: I wish to plead incompetence.
The policeman stands up
Policeman: Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lud?
Magistrate: An adjournment? Certainly not. (the policeman sits down; there is a loud raspberry; the policeman goes bright red) Why on earth didn't you say why you wanted an adjourment?
Policeman:
I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lud.