to say, bastard virtues; that,
indeed, know not their fathers and therefore have no names.
'Here follow her vices.'
Close at the heels of her virtues.
'Item: She is not to be kissed fasting in respect
of her breath.'
Well, that fault may be mended with a breakfast. Read on.
'Item: She hath a sweet mouth.'
That makes amends for her sour breath.
'Item: She doth talk in her sleep.'
It's no matter for that, so she sleep not in her talk.
'Item: She is slow in words.'
O villain, that set this down among her vices! To
be slow in words is a woman's only virtue: I pray
thee, out with't, and place it for her chief virtue.
'Item: She is proud.'
Out with that too; it was Eve's legacy, and cannot
be ta'en from her.
'Item: She hath no teeth.'
I care not for that neither, because I love crusts.
'Item: She is curst.'
Well, the best is, she hath no teeth to bite.
'Item: She will often praise her liquor.'
If her liquor be good, she shall: if she will not, I
will; for good things should be praised.
'Item: She is too liberal.'
Of her tongue she cannot, for that's writ down she
is slow of; of her purse she shall not, for that
I'll keep shut: now, of another thing she may, and
that cannot I help. Well, proceed.
'Item: She hath more hair than wit, and more faults
than hairs, and more wealth than faults.'
Stop there; I'll have her: she was mine, and not
mine, twice or thrice in that last article.
Rehearse that once more.
'Item: She hath more hair than wit,'--
More hair than wit? It may be; I'll prove it. The
cover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it
is more than the salt; the hair that covers the wit
is more than the wit, for the greater hides the
less. What's next?
'And more faults than hairs,'--
That's monstrous: O, that that were out!
'And more wealth than faults.'
Why, that word makes the faults gracious. Well,
I'll have her; and if it be a match, as nothing is
impossible,--
What then?
Why, then will I tell thee--that thy master stays
for thee at the North-gate.
For me?
For thee! ay, who art thou? he hath stayed for a
better man than thee.
And must I go to him?
Thou must run to him,