MEDITATION AND ITS METHODS
By Swami Vivekananda (Edited by Swami Chetanananda)

MEDITATION ACCORDING TO YOGA
WHAT IS MEDITATION?
What is meditation? Meditation is the power which enables us to resist
all this. Nature may call us, "Look, there is a beautiful thing!" I do not look.
Now she says, "There is a beautiful smell; smell it!" I say to my nose, "Do not
smell it", and the nose doesn't. "Eyes, do not see!" Nature does such an awful
thing - kills one of my children, and says, "Now, rascal, sit down and weep! Go
to the depths!" I say, "I don't have to." I jump up. I must be free. Try it
sometimes... [In meditation], for a moment, you can change this nature. Now,
if you had that power in yourself, would not that be heaven, freedom? That is
the power of meditation.
How is it to be attained? In a dozen different ways. Each temperament
has its own way. But this is the general principle: get hold of the mind. The
mind is like a lake, and every stone that drops into it raises waves. These waves
do not let us see what we are. The full moon is reflected in the water of the
lake, but the surface is so disturbed that we do not see the reflection clearly.
Let it be calm. Do not let nature raise the wave. Keep quiet, and then after a
little while she will give you up. Then we know what we are. God is there
already, but the mind is so agitated, always running after the senses. You close
the senses and [yet] you whirl and whirl about. Just this moment I think I am
all right and I will meditate upon God, and then my mind goes to London in
one minute. And if I pull it away from there, it goes to New York to think about
the things I have done there in the past. These [waves] are to be stopped by
the power of meditation. (CW4.248)

THE GATE TO BLISS
Meditation is the gate that opens that to us. Prayers, ceremonials, and all
the other forms of worship are simply kindergartens of meditation. You pray, you
offer something. A certain theory existed that everything raised one's spiritual
power. The use of certain words, flowers, images, temples, ceremonials like the
waving of lights brings the mind to that attitude, but that attitude is always in the
human soul, nowhere else. [People] are all doing it; but what they do without
knowing it, do knowingly. That is the power of meditation.
Slowly and gradually we are to train ourselves. It is no joke - not a
question of a day, or years, or maybe of births. Never mind! The pull must go on.
Knowingly, voluntarily, the pull must go on. Inch by inch we will gain ground.
We will begin to feel and get real possessions, which no one can take away from
us - the wealth that no man can take, the wealth that nobody can destroy, the joy
that no misery can hurt any more. (CW 4.248-249)
IN SEARCH OF TRUTH
Yoga is the science which teaches us how to get these perceptions. It is
not much use to talk about religion until one has felt it. Why is there so much
disturbance, so much fighting and quarrelling in the name of God? There has
been more bloodshed in the name of God than for any other cause, because
people never went to the fountain-head; they were content only to give a mental
assent to the customs of their forefathers, and wanted others to do the same.
What right has a man to say he has a soul if he does not feel it, or that there is a
God if he does not see Him? If there is a God we must see Him, if there is a soul
we must perceive it; otherwise it is better not to believe. It is better to be an
outspoken atheist than a hypocrite.

Man wants truth, wants to experience truth for himself; when he has
grasped it, realised it, felt it within his heart of hearts, then alone, declare the
Vedas, would all doubts vanish, all darkness be scattered, and all crookedness be
made straight. (CW 1.127-28)
HOW RESTLESS IS THE MIND!
How hard it is to control the mind! Well has it been compared to the
maddened monkey. There was a monkey, restless by his own nature, as all
monkeys are. As if that were not enough someone made him drink freely of wine,
so that he became still more restless. Then a scorpion stung him. When a man is
stung by a scorpion, he jumps about for a whole day; so the poor monkey found
his condition worse than ever. To complete his misery a demon entered into him.
What language can describe the uncontrollable restlessness of that monkey? The
human mind is like that monkey, incessantly active by its own nature; then it
becomes drunk with the wine of desire, thus increasing its turbulence. After
desire takes possession comes the sting of the scorpion of jealousy at the success
of others, and last of all the demon of pride enters the mind, making it think itself
of all importance. How hard to control such a mind! (CW 1.174)
A TREMONDOUS TASK
According to the Yogis, there are three principal nerve currents; one they
call the Idâ, the other the Pingalâ, and the middle one the Sushumnâ, and all
these are inside the spinal column. The Ida and the Pingala, the left and the right,
are clusters of nerves, while the middle one, the Sushumna, is hollow and is not
a cluster of nerves. This Sushumna is closed, and for the ordinary man is of no
use, for he works through the Ida and the Pingala only. Currents are continually

going down and coming up through these nerves, carrying orders all over the
body through other nerves running to the different organs of the body.
The task before us is vast; and first and foremost, we must seek to control
the vast mass of sunken thoughts which have become automatic with us. The
evil deed is, no doubt, on the conscious plane; but the cause which produced the
evil deed was far beyond in the realms of the unconscious, unseen, and therefore
more potent.
This is the first part of the study, the control of the unconscious. The next
is to go beyond the conscious. So, therefore, we see now that there must be a
twofold work. First, by the proper working of the Ida and the Pingala, which are
the two existing ordinary currents, to control the subconscious action; and
secondly, to go beyond even consciousness.
He alone is the Yogi who, after long practice in self-concentration, has
attained to this truth. The Sushumna now opens and a current which never
before entered into this new passage will find its way into it, and gradually ascend
to (what we call in figurative language) the different lotus centres, till at last it
reaches the brain. Then the Yogi becomes conscious of what he really is, God
Himself. (CW 2. 30, 34, 36)
ENVIRONMENT FOR MEDITATION
Those of you who can afford it will do better to have a room for this
practice alone. Do not sleep in that room, it must be kept holy. You must not
enter the room until you have bathed, and are perfectly clean in body and mind.
Place flowers in that room always; they are the best surroundings for a Yogi; also
pictures that are pleasing. Burn incense morning and evening. Have no

quarrelling, nor anger, nor unholy thought in that room. Only allow those
persons to enter it who are of the same thought as you. Then gradually there will
be an atmosphere of holiness in the room, so that when you are miserable,
sorrowful, doubtful, or your mind is disturbed, the very fact of entering that
room will make you calm. This was the idea of the temple and the church, and in
some temples and churches you will find it even now, but in the majority of them
the very idea has been lost. The idea is that by keeping holy vibrations there the
place becomes and remains illumined. Those who cannot afford to have a room
set apart can practise anywhere they like. (CW 1. 145)
REQUISITES FOR MEDITATION
Where there is fire, or in water or on ground which is strewn with dry
leaves, where there are many ant-hills, where there are wild animals, or danger,
where four streets meet, where there is too much noise, where there are many
wicked persons, Yoga must not be practised. This applies more particularly to
India. Do not practise when the body feels very lazy or ill, or when the mind is
very miserable and sorrowful. Go to a place which is well hidden, and where
people do not come to disturb you. Do not choose dirty places. Rather choose
beautiful scenery, or a room in your own house which is beautiful. When you
practise, first salute all the ancient Yogis, and your own Guru, and God, and then
begin. (CW 1. 192)
TIME FOR MEDITATION
You must practise at least twice every day, and the best times are towards
the morning and the evening. When night passes into day, and day into night, a
state of relative calmness ensues. The early morning and the early evening are

the two periods of calmness. Your body will have a like tendency to become calm
at those times. We should take advantage of that natural condition and begin
then to practise. Make it a rule not to eat until you have practised; if you do this,
the sheer force of hunger will break your laziness. In India they teach children
never to eat until they have practised or worshipped, and it becomes natural to
them after a time; a boy will not feel hungry until he has bathed and practised.
(CW 1. 144-45)
NOW PRAY!
Mentally repeat:
Let all beings be happy;
let all beings be peaceful;
let all beings be blissful.
So do to the east, south, north and west. The more you do that the better
you will feel yourself. You will find at last that the easiest way to make ourselves
healthy is to see that others are healthy, and the easiest way to make ourselves
happy is to see that others are happy. After doing that, those who believe in God
should pray--not for money, not for health, nor for heaven; pray for knowledge
and light; every other prayer is selfish. (CW 1. 145-46)
THE FIRST LESSON
Sit for some time and let the mind run on. The mind is bubbling up all the
time. It is like that monkey jumping about. Let the monkey jump as much as he
can; you simply wait and watch. Knowledge is power, says the proverb, and that
is true. Until you know what the mind is doing you cannot control it. Give it the

rein; many hideous thoughts may come into it; you will be astonished that it was
possible for you to think such thoughts. But you will find that each day the mind's
vagaries are becoming less and less violent, that each day it is becoming calmer.
Give up all argumentation and other distractions. Is there anything in dry
intellectual jargon? It only throws the mind off its balance and disturbs it. Things
of subtler planes have to be realised. Will talking do that? So give up all vain talk.
Read only those books which have been written by persons who have had
realisation. (CW 1. 174, 176-77)
NOW THINK!
Think of your own body, and see that it is strong and healthy; it is the best
instrument you have. Think of it as being as strong as adamant, and that with the
help of this body you will cross the ocean of life. Freedom is never to be reached
by the weak. Throw away all weakness. Tell your body that it is strong, tell your
mind that it is strong, and have unbounded faith and hope in yourself. (CW 1.
146)
A FEW EXAMPLES OF MEDITATION
Imagine a lotus upon the top of the head, several inches up, with virtue
as its centre, and knowledge as its stalk. The eight petals of the lotus are the eight
powers of the Yogi. Inside, the stamens and pistils are renunciation. If the Yogi
refuses the external powers he will come to salvation. So the eight petals of the
lotus are the eight powers, but the internal stamens and pistils are extreme
renunciation, the renunciation of all these powers. Inside of that lotus think of
the Golden One, the Almighty, the Intangible, He whose name is Om, the
Inexpressible, surrounded with effulgent light. Meditate on that.

Another meditation is given. Think of a space in your heart, and in the
midst of that space think that a flame is burning. Think of that flame as your own
soul and inside the flame is another effulgent light, and that is the Soul of your
soul, God. Meditate upon that in the heart. (CW 1. 192-93)
HOW TO REACH THE GOAL
Whether you live or die does not matter. You have to plunge in and work,
without thinking of the result. If you are brave enough, in six months you will be
a perfect Yogi. But those who take up just a bit of it and a little of everything else
make no progress. It is of no use simply to take a course of lessons.
To succeed, you must have tremendous perseverance, tremendous will.
"I will drink the ocean," says the persevering soul, "at my will mountains will
crumble up." Have that sort of energy, that sort of will, work hard, and you will
reach the goal. (CW 1. 178)
BE CAREFUL!
Every motion is in a circle. If you can take up a stone, and project it into
space, and then live long enough, that stone, if it meets with no obstruction, will
come back exactly to your hand. A straight line, infinitely projected, must end in
a circle. Therefore, this idea that the destiny of man is progressing ever forward
and forward, and never stopping, is absurd. Although extraneous to the subject,
I may remark that this idea explains the ethical theory that you must not hate,
and must love. Because, just as in the case of electricity the modern theory is
that the power leaves the dynamo and completes the circle back to the dynamo,
so with hate and love; they must come back to the source. Therefore do not hate
anybody, because that hatred which comes out from you, must, in the long run,

come back to you. If you love, that love will come back to you, completing the
circle. (CW 1. 196)
THE MIND-LAKE
The bottom of a lake we cannot see, because its surface is covered with
ripples. It is only possible for us to catch a glimpse of the bottom, when the
ripples have subsided, and the water is calm. If the water is muddy or is agitated
all the time, the bottom will not be seen. If it is clear, and there are no waves, we
shall see the bottom. The bottom of the lake is our own true Self; the lake is the
Chitta and the waves the Vrittis.
Again, the mind is in three states, one of which is darkness, called Tamas,
found in brutes and idiots; it only acts to injure. No other idea comes into that
state of mind. Then there is the active state of mind, Rajas, whose chief motives
are power and enjoyment. "I will be powerful and rule others." Then there is the
state called Sattva, serenity, calmness, in which the waves cease, and the water
of the mind-lake becomes clear. (CW 2. 202)
MIND AND ITS CONTROL
Meditation is one of the great means of controlling the rising of these
waves. By meditation you can make the mind subdue these waves, and if you go
on practising meditation for days, and months, and years, until it has become a
habit, until it will come in spite of yourself, anger and hatred will be controlled
and checked. (CW 1. 242-43)
BE CHEERFUL!
The first sign that you are becoming religious is that you are becoming
cheerful. When a man is gloomy, that may be dyspepsia, but it is not religion.

To the Yogi everything is bliss, every human face that he sees brings
cheerfulness to him. That is the sign of a virtuous man. Misery is caused by sin,
and by no other cause. What business have you with clouded faces? It is terrible.
If you have a clouded face, do not go out that day, shut yourself up in your room.
What right have you to carry this disease out into the world? (CW 1. 264-65)
THE SIGNS OF A YOGI
"He who hates none, who is the friend of all, who is merciful to all, who
has nothing of his own, who is free from egoism, who is even-minded in pain and
pleasure, who is forbearing, who is always satisfied, who works always in Yoga,
whose self has become controlled, whose will is firm, whose mind and intellect
are given up unto Me, such a one is My beloved Bhakta. From whom comes no
disturbance, who cannot be disturbed by others, who is free from joy, anger, fear,
and anxiety, such a one is My beloved. He who does not depend on anything,
who is pure and active, who does not care whether good comes or evil, and never
becomes miserable, who has given up all efforts for himself; who is the same in
praise or in blame, with a silent, thoughtful mind, blessed with what little comes
in his way, homeless, for the whole world is his home, and who is steady in his
ideas, such a one is My beloved Bhakta." Such alone become Yogis. (CW 1. 193)
BE LIKE A PEARL OYSTER
There is a pretty Indian fable to the effect that if it rains when the star
Svati is in the ascendant, and a drop of rain falls into an oyster, that drop becomes
a pearl. The oysters know this, so they come to the surface when that star shines,
and wait to catch the precious raindrop. When a drop falls into them, quickly the
oysters close their shells and dive down to the bottom of the sea, there to

patiently develop the drop into the pearl. We should be like that. First hear, then
understand, and then, leaving all distractions, shut your minds to outside
influences, and devote yourselves to developing the truth within you. (CW 1.
177)
PATIENCE
There was a great god-sage called Narada. Just as there are sages among
mankind, great Yogis, so there are great Yogis among the gods. Narada was a
good Yogi, and very great. He travelled everywhere. One day he was passing
through a forest, and saw a man who had been meditating until the white ants
had built a huge mound round his body--so long had he been sitting in that
position. He said to Narada, "Where are you going?" Narada replied, "I am going
to heaven." "Then ask God when He will be merciful to me; when I shall attain
freedom." Further on Narada saw another man. He was jumping about, singing,
dancing, and said, "Oh, Narada, where are you going?" His voice and his gestures
were wild. Narada said, "I am going to heaven." "Then, ask when I shall be free."
Narada went on. In the course of time he came again by the same road, and there
was the man who had been meditating with the ant-hill round him. He said, "Oh,
Narada, did you ask the Lord about me?" "Oh, yes." "What did He say?" "The
Lord told me that you would attain freedom in four more births." Then the man
began to weep and wail, and said, "I have meditated until an ant-hill has grown
around me, and I have four more births yet!" Narada went to the other man. "Did
you ask my question?" "Oh, yes. Do you see this tamarind tree? I have to tell you
that as many leaves as there are on that tree, so many times, you shall be born,
and then you shall attain freedom." The man began to dance for joy, and said, "I
shall have freedom after such a short time!" A voice came, "My child, you will

have freedom this minute." That was the reward for his perseverance. He was
ready to work through all those births, nothing discouraged him. (CW 1. 193-94)
IN THE REALM OF TRANQUILITY
The greatest help to spiritual life is meditation (Dhyana). In meditation
we divest ourselves of all material conditions and feel our divine nature. We do
not depend upon any external help in meditation. The touch of the soul can paint
the brightest colour even in the dingiest places; it can cast a fragrance over the
vilest thing; it can make the wicked divine--and all enmity, all selfishness is
effaced. The less the thought of the body, the better. For it is the body that drags
us down. It is attachment, identification, which makes us miserable. That is the
secret: To think that I am the spirit and not the body, and that the whole of this
universe with all its relations, with all its good and all its evil, is but as a series of
paintings--scenes on a canvas--of which I am the witness. (CW 2. 37)
TRANSFORMATION THROUGH MEDITATION
There was a young man that could not in any way support his family. He
was strong and vigorous and, finally, became a highway robber; he attacked
persons in the street and robbed them, and with that money he supported his
father, mother, wife, and children. This went on continually, until one day a great
saint called Narada was passing by, and the robber attacked him.
The sage asked the robber, "Why are you going to rob me? It is a great
sin to rob human beings and kill them. What do you incur all this sin for?" The
robber said, "Why, I want to support my family with this money." "Now", said the
sage, "do you think that they take a share of your sin also?" "Certainly they do,"
replied the robber. "Very good," said the sage, "make me safe by tying me up

here, while you go home and ask your people whether they will share your sin in
the same way as they share the money you make." The man accordingly went to
his father, and asked, "Father, do you know how I support you?" He answered,
"No, I do not." "I am a robber, and I kill persons and rob them." "What! you do
that, my son? Get away! You outcast!" He then went to his mother and asked
her, "Mother, do you know how I support you?" "No," she replied. "Through
robbery and murder." "How horrible it is!" cried the mother. "But, do you partake
in my sin?" said the son. "Why should I? I never committed a robbery," answered
the mother. Then, he went to his wife and questioned her, "Do you know how I
maintain you all?" "No," she responded. "Why, I am a highwayman," he rejoined,
"and for years have been robbing people; that is how I support and maintain you
all. And what I now want to know is, whether you are ready to share in my sin."
"By no means. You are my husband, and it is your duty to support me."
The eyes of the robber were opened. "That is the way of the world-even my nearest relatives, for whom I have been robbing, will not share in my
destiny." He came back to the place where he had bound the sage, unfastened
his bonds, fell at his feet, recounted everything and said, "Save me! What can I
do?" The sage said, "Give up your present course of life. You see that none of
your family really loves you, so give up all these delusions. They will share your
prosperity; but the moment you have nothing, they will desert you. There is none
who will share in your evil, but they will all share in your good. Therefore worship
Him who alone stands by us whether we are doing good or evil. He never leaves
us, for love never drags down, knows no barter, no selfishness."

Then the sage taught him how to worship. And this man left everything
and went into a forest. There he went on praying and meditating until he forgot
himself so entirely that the ants came and built ant-hills around him, and he was
quite unconscious of it. After many years had passed, a voice came saying, "Arise,
O sage!" Thus aroused he exclaimed, "Sage? I am a robber!" "No more 'robber',"
answered the voice, "a purified sage art thou. Thine old name is gone. But now,
since thy meditation was so deep and great that thou didst not remark even the
ant-hills which surrounded thee, henceforth, thy name shall be Valmiki--'he that
was born in the ant-hill'." So, he became a sage. (CW 4. 63-65)
THREE STAGES OF MEDITATION
There are three stages in meditation. The first is what is called [Dharana],
concentrating the mind upon an object. I try to concentrate my mind upon this
glass, excluding every other object from my mind except this glass. But the mind
is wavering... When it has become strong and does not waver so much, it is called
[Dhyana], meditation. And then there is a still higher state when the
differentiation between the glass and myself is lost--[Samadhi or absorption].
The mind and the glass are identical. I do not see any difference. All the senses
stop and all powers that have been working through other channels of other
senses [are focused in the mind]. Then this glass is under the power of the mind
entirely. This is to be realised. It is a tremendous play played by the Yogis. (CW 4.
228)
HOW TO REST
Meditation means the mind is turned back upon itself. The mind stops all
the [thought-waves] and the world stops. Your consciousness expands. Every

time you meditate you will keep your growth. . . . Work a little harder, more and
more, and meditation comes. You do not feel the body or anything else. When
you come out of it after the hour, you have had the most beautiful rest you ever
had in your life. That is the only way you ever give rest to your system. Not even
the deepest sleep will give you such rest as that. The mind goes on jumping even
in deepest sleep. Just those few minutes [in meditation] your brain has almost
stopped. Just a little vitality is kept up. You forget the body. You may be cut to
pieces and not feel it at all. You feel such pleasure in it. You become so light. This
perfect rest we get in meditation. (CW 4. 235)
ACTION BRINGS REACTION
In every phenomenon in nature you contribute at least half, and nature
brings half. If your half is taken off, the thing must stop.
To every action there is equal reaction… If a man strikes me and wounds
me, it is that man's action and my body's reaction.
Let us take another example. You are dropping stones upon the smooth
surface of a lake. Every stone you drop is followed by a reaction. The stone is
covered by the little waves in the lake. Similarly, external things are like the stones
dropping into the lake of the mind. So we do not really see the external . . . we
see the wave only. (CW 4. 228-29)
THE POWER OF MEDITATION
The power of meditation gets us everything. If you want to get power
over nature, [you can have it through meditation]. It is through the power of
meditation all scientific facts are discovered today. They study the subject and

forget everything, their own identity and everything, and then the great fact
comes like a flash. Some people think that is inspiration.
There is no inspiration. . . . Whatever passes for inspiration is the result
that comes from causes already in the mind. One day, flash comes the result!
Their past work was the [cause].
Therein also you see the power of meditation--intensity of thought.
These men churn up their own souls. Great truths come to the surface and
become manifest. Therefore the practice of meditation is the great scientific
method of knowledge. (CW 4. 230)
MEDITATION IS A SCIENCE
Whatever exists is one. There cannot be many. That is what is meant by
science and knowledge. Ignorance sees manifold. Knowledge realizes one...
Reducing the many into one is science... The whole of the universe has been
demonstrated into one. That science is called the science of Vedanta. The whole
universe is one.
We have all these variations now and we see them--what we call the five
elements: solid, liquid, gaseous, luminous, ethereal. Meditation consists in this
practice of dissolving everything into the ultimate Reality--spirit. The solid melts
into liquid, that into gas, gas into ether, then mind, and mind will melt away. All
is spirit.
Meditation, you know, comes by a process of imagination. You go
through all these processes of purification of the elements--making the one melt
into the other, that into the next higher, that into mind, that into spirit, and then
you are spirit.

Here is a huge mass of clay. Out of that clay I made a little [mouse] and
you made a little [elephant]. Both are clay. Melt both down. They are essentially
one. (CW 4. 232-35)
PAVAHARI BABA: AN IDEAL YOGI
everyone has heard of the thief who had come to steal from his Ashrama,
and who at the sight of the saint got frightened and ran away, leaving the goods
he had stolen in a bundle behind; how the saint took the bundle up, ran after the
thief, and came up to him after miles of hard running; how the saint laid the
bundle at the feet of the thief, and with folded hands and tears in his eyes asked
his pardon for his own intrusion, and begged hard for his acceptance of the
goods, since they belonged to him, and not to himself.
We are also told, on reliable authority, how once he was bitten by a
cobra; and though he was given up for hours as dead, he revived; and when his
friends asked him about it, he only replied that the cobra "was a messenger from
the Beloved".
One of his great peculiarities was his entire absorption at the time in the
task in hand, however trivial. The same amount of care and attention was
bestowed in cleaning a copper pot as in the worship of Shri Raghunathji, he
himself being the best example of the secret he once told us of work: "The means
should be loved and cared for as if it were the end itself."
The present writer (Swami Vivekananda) had occasion to ask the saint
the reason of his not coming out of his cave to help the world. He gave the
following reply: "Do you think that physical help is the only help possible? Is it

not possible that one mind can help other minds even without the activity of the
body?" (CW 4. 292-94)
A FABLE ABOUT BUDDHA
When Buddha was born, he was so pure that whosoever looked at his
face from a distance immediately gave up the ceremonial religion and became a
monk and became saved. So the gods held a meeting. They said, "We are
undone." Because most of the gods live upon the ceremonials. These sacrifices
go to the gods and these sacrifices were all gone. The gods were dying of hunger
and [the reason for] it was that their power was gone.
So the gods said: "We must, anyhow, put this man down. He is too pure
for our life". And then the gods came and said: "Sir, we come to ask you
something. We want to make a great sacrifice and we mean to make a huge fire,
and we have been seeking all over the world for a pure spot to light the fire on
and could not find it, and now we have found it. If you will lie down, on your
breast we will make the huge fire." "Granted," he says, "go on."
And the gods built the fire high upon the breast of Buddha, and they
thought he was dead, and he was not. And then they went about and said, "We
are undone." And all the gods began to strike him. No good. They could not kill
him. From underneath the voice comes: "Why [are you] making all these vain
attempts?"
"Whoever looks upon you becomes purified and is saved, and nobody is
going to worship us."
"Then, your attempt is vain, because purity can never be killed." (CW 3.
525)

A SONG OF SAMADHI
(Rendered from Bengali)
Lo! The sun is not, nor the comely moon,
All light extinct; in the great void of space
Floats shadow-like the image-universe.
In the void of mind involute, there floats
The fleeting universe, rises and floats,
Sinks again, ceaseless, in the current "I".
Slowly, slowly, the shadow-multitude
Entered the primal womb, and flowed ceaseless,
The only current, the "I am", "I am".
Lo! 'Tis stopped, ev'n that current flows no more,
Void merged into void--beyond speech and mind
Whose heart understands, he verily does. (CW 4. 498)
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Q.--Whom can we call a Guru?
A.--He who can tell your past and future is your Guru.
Q.--How can one have Bhakti?
A.--There is Bhakti within you, only a veil of lust-and-wealth covers it,
and as soon as that is removed Bhakti will manifest by itself.

Q.--Can a man attain Mukti by image-worship?
A.--Image-worship cannot directly give Mukti; it may be an indirect
cause, a help on the way. Image-worship should not be condemned, for, with
many, it prepares the mind for the realisation of the Advaita which alone
makes man perfect.
Q.--What is Mukti (liberation)?
A.--Mukti means entire freedom--freedom from the bondages of good
and evil. A golden chain is as much a chain as an iron one. Shri Ramakrishna
used to say that, to pick out one thorn which has stuck into the foot, another
thorn is requisitioned, and when the thorn is taken out, both are thrown away.
So the bad tendencies are to be counteracted by the good ones, but after that,
the good tendencies have also to be conquered.
Q.--How can Vedanta be realised?
A.--By "hearing, reflection, and meditation". Hearing must take place
from a Sad-guru. Even if one is not a regular disciple, but is a fit aspirant and
hears the Sad-guru's words, he is liberated.
Q.--Where should one meditate--inside the body or outside it? Should
the mind be withdrawn inside or held outside?
A.--We should try to meditate inside. As for the mind being here or
there, it will take a long time before we reach the mental plane. Now our
struggle is with the body. When one acquires a perfect steadiness in posture,
then and then alone one begins to struggle with the mind. Asana (posture)

being conquered, one's limbs remain motionless, and one can sit as long as
one pleases.
Q.--Sometimes one gets tired of Japa (repetition of the Mantra).
Should one continue it or read some good book instead?
A.--One gets tired of Japa for two reasons. Sometimes one's brain is
fatigued, sometimes it is the result of idleness. If the former, then one should
give up Japa for the time being, for persistence in it at the time results in
seeing hallucinations, or in lunacy etc. But if the latter, the mind should be
forced to continue Japa.
Q.--Is it good to practise Japa for a long time, though the mind may be
wandering?
A.--Yes. As some people break a wild horse by always keeping his seat
on his back.
Q.--What is the efficacy of prayer?
A.--By prayer one's subtle powers are easily roused, and if consciously
done, all desires may be fulfilled by it; but done unconsciously, one perhaps
in ten is fulfilled. Such prayer, however, is selfish and should therefore be
discarded.
Q.--You have written in your Bhakti-Yoga that if a weak-bodied man
tries to practise Yoga, a tremendous reaction comes. Then what to do?
A.--What fear if you die in the attempt to realise the Self! Man is not
afraid of dying for the sake of learning and many other things, and why should
you fear to die for religion? (CW 5. 314-25)

EXPERIENCE AND VERIFICATION
Swamiji: One day in the temple-garden at Dakshineswar Shri
Ramakrishna touched me over the heart, and first of all I began to see that the
houses--rooms, doors, windows, verandahs--the trees, the sun, the moon--all
were flying off, shattering to pieces as it were--reduced to atoms and
molecules--and ultimately became merged in the Akasha. Gradually again, the
Akasha also vanished, and after that, my consciousness of the ego with it;
what happened next I do not recollect. I was at first frightened. Coming back
from that state, again I began to see the houses, doors, windows, verandahs,
and other things. On another occasion, I had exactly the same realisation by
the side of a lake in America.
Disciple: Might not this state as well be brought about by a
derangement of the brain? And I do not understand what happiness there can
be in realising such a state.
Swamiji: A derangement of the brain! How can you call it so, when it
comes neither as the result of delirium from any disease, nor of intoxication
from drinking, nor as an illusion produced by various sorts of queer breathing
exercises--but when it comes to a normal man in full possession of his health
and wits? Then again, this experience is in perfect harmony with the Vedas. It
also coincides with the words of realisation of the inspired Rishis and Acharyas
of old. (CW 5. 392)
HOW TO BE DETACHED
Almost all of our suffering is caused by our not having the power of
detachment. So along with the development of concentration we must

develop the power of detachment. We must learn not only to attach the mind
to one thing exclusively, but also to detach it at a moment's notice and place
it on something else. These two should be developed together to make it safe.
This is the systematic development of the mind. To me the very
essence of education is concentration of mind, not the collecting of facts. If I
had to do my education over again, and had any voice in the matter, I would
not study facts at all. I would develop the power of concentration and
detachment, and then with a perfect instrument I could collect facts at will.
We should put our minds on things; they should not draw our minds
to them. We are usually forced to concentrate. Our minds are forced to
become fixed upon different things by an attraction in them which we cannot
resist. To control the mind, to place it just where we want it, requires special
training. (CW 6. 38-39)
HOW TO STUDY THE MIND
The mind uncontrolled and unguided will drag us down, down, for
ever--rend us, kill us; and the mind controlled and guided will save us, free us.
So it must be controlled, and psychology teaches us how to do it.
To study and analyse any material science, sufficient data are
obtained. These facts are studied and analysed, and a knowledge of the
science is the result. But in the study and analysis of the mind, there are no
data, no facts acquired from without, such as are equally at the command of
all. The mind is analysed by itself. The greatest science, therefore, is the
science of the mind, the science of psychology.

Deep, deep within, is the soul, the essential man, the Atman. Turn the
mind inward and become united to that; and from that standpoint of stability,
the gyrations of the mind can be watched and facts observed, which are to be
found in all persons.
To control the mind you must go deep down into the subconscious
mind, classify and arrange in order all the different impressions, thoughts, etc.
stored up there, and control them. This is the first step. By the control of the
subconscious mind you get control over the conscious. (CW 6.30-32)
PRACTICAL HINTS ON MEDITATION
Swamiji Shuddhananda asked, "What is the real nature of meditation,
sir?"
Swamiji: Meditation is the focusing of the mind on some object. If the
mind acquires concentration on one object, it can be so concentrated on any
object whatsoever.
Disciple: Mention is made in the scriptures of two kinds of meditation-one having some object and the other objectless. What is meant by all that,
and which of the two is the higher one?
Swamiji: First, the practice of meditation has to proceed with some
one object before the mind. Once I used to concentrate my mind on some
black point. Ultimately, during those days, I could not see the point any more,
nor notice that the point was before me at all--the mind used to be no more-no wave of functioning would rise, as if it were all an ocean without any
breath of air. In that state I used to experience glimpses of supersensuous
truth. So I think, the practice of meditation even with some trifling external

object leads to mental concentration. But it is true that the mind very easily
attains calmness when one practises meditation with anything on which one's
mind is most apt to settle down. This is the reason why we have in this country
so much worship of the images of gods and goddesses. And what wonderful
art developed from such worship! But no more of that now. The fact, however,
is that the objects of meditation can never be the same in the case of all men.
People have proclaimed and preached to others only those external objects
to which they held on to become perfected in meditation. Oblivious of the
fact, later on, that these objects are aids to the attainment of perfect mental
calmness, men have extolled them beyond everything else. They have wholly
concerned themselves with the means, getting comparatively unmindful of
the end. The real aim is to make the mind functionless, but this cannot be got
at unless one becomes absorbed in some subject.
Disciple: But if the mind becomes completely engrossed and identified
with some object, how can it give us the consciousness of Brahman?
Swamiji: Yes, though the mind at first assumes the form of the object,
yet later on the consciousness of that object vanishes. Then only the
experience of pure "isness" remains. (CW 6. 486-87)
SUPERNATURAL POWERS
Swamiji said, "It is possible to acquire miraculous powers by some little
degree of mental concentration", and turning to the disciple he asked, "Well,
should you like to learn thought-reading? I can teach that to you in four or five
days."
Disciple: Of what avail will it be to me, sir?

Swamiji: Why, you will be able to know others' minds.
Disciple: Will that help my attainment of the knowledge of Brahman?
Swamiji: Not a bit.
Disciple: Then I have no need to learn that science.
Swamiji: But Shri Ramakrishna used to disparage these supernatural
powers; his teaching was that one cannot attain to the supreme truth if the
mind is diverted to the manifestation of these powers. The human mind,
however, is so weak that, not to speak of householders, even ninety per cent
of the Sadhus happen to be votaries of these powers. In the West, men are
lost in wonderment if they come across such miracles. It is only because Shri
Ramakrishna has mercifully made us understand the evil of these powers as
being hindrances to real spirituality that we are able to take them at their
proper value. Haven't you noticed how for that reason the children of Shri
Ramakrishna pay no heed to them? (CW 6. 515-17)
THE MYSTERY OF SAMADHI
Disciple: On the attainment of the absolute and transcendent
Nirvikalpa Samadhi can none return to the world of duality through the
consciousness of Egoism?
Swamiji: Shri Ramakrishna used to say that the Avataras alone can
descend to the ordinary plane from that state of Samadhi, for the good of the
world. Ordinary Jivas do not.
Disciple: When in Samadhi the mind is merged, and there remain no
waves on the surface of consciousness, where then is the possibility of mental

activity and returning to the world through the consciousness of Ego? When
there is no mind, then who will descend from Samadhi to the relative plane,
and by what means?
Swamiji: The conclusion of the Vedanta is that when there is absolute
samadhi and cessation of all modifications, there is no return from that state;
as the Vedanta Aphorism says: "{Sanskrit}--There is non-return, from
scriptural texts." But the Avataras cherish a few desires for the good of the
world. By taking hold of that thread, they come down from the superconscious
to the conscious state. (CW 7. 140)
THE POWER OF OJAS
The Yogis say that that part of the human energy which is expressed
as sex energy, in sexual thought, when checked and controlled, easily
becomes changed into Ojas.
Ojas is stored up in the brain, and the more Ojas is in a man's head, the
more powerful he is, the more intellectual, the more spiritually strong. One
man may speak beautiful language and beautiful thoughts, but they do not
impress people; another man speaks neither beautiful language nor beautiful
thoughts, yet his words charm. Every movement of his is powerful. That is the
power of Ojas.
It is only the chaste man or woman who can make the Ojas rise and
store it in the brain; that is why chastity has always been considered the
highest virtue. A man feels that if he is unchaste, spirituality goes away, he
loses mental vigour and moral stamina. That is why in all the religious orders
in the world which have produced spiritual giants you will always find absolute

chastity insisted upon. That is why the monks came into existence, giving up
marriage. There must be perfect chastity in thought, word, and deed. (CW 1.
169-70)
THE MYSTERY OF LEARNING
A few days ago, a new set of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica had been
bought for the Math. Seeing the new shining volumes, the disciple said to
Swamiji, "It is almost impossible to read all these books in a single lifetime."
He was unaware that Swamiji had already finished ten volumes and had begun
the eleventh.
Swamiji: What do you say? Ask me anything you like from these ten
volumes, and I will answer you all.
The disciple asked in wonder, "Have you read all these books?"
Swamiji: Why should I ask you to question me otherwise?
Being examined, Swamiji not only reproduced the sense, but at places
the very language of the difficult topics selected from each volume. The
disciple, astonished, put aside the books, saying, "This is not within human
power!"
Swamiji: Do you see, simply by the observance of strict Brahmacharya
(continence) all learning can be mastered in a very short time--one has an
unfailing memory of what one hears or knows but once. (CW 7. 223-24)
THE POWER OF THE MIND
The science of Raja-Yoga, in the first place, proposes to give us such a
means of observing the internal states. The instrument is the mind itself. The

power of attention, when properly guided, and directed towards the internal
world, will analyse the mind, and illumine facts for us. The powers of the mind
are like rays of light dissipated; when they are concentrated, they illumine.
This is our only means of knowledge.
The world is ready to give up its secrets if we only know how to knock,
how to give it the necessary blow. The strength and force of the blow come
through concentration. There is no limit to the power of the human mind. The
more concentrated it is, the more power is brought to bear on one point; that
is the secret. (CW 1. 129-31)
MYSTERY-MONGERING
Anything that is secret and mysterious in these systems of Yoga should
be at once rejected. The best guide in life is strength. In religion, as in all other
matters, discard everything that weakens you, have nothing to do with it.
Mystery-mongering weakens the human brain. It has well-nigh destroyed Yoga-one of the grandest of sciences. (CW 1. 134)
FOLLOW THE MIDDLE PATH
A Yogi must avoid the two extremes of luxury and austerity. He must
not fast, nor torture his flesh. He who does so, says the Gita, cannot be a Yogi:
He who fasts, he who keeps awake, he who sleeps much, he who works too
much, he who does no work, none of these can be a Yogi. (CW 1. 136)
THE ROYAL PATH
The science of Raja-Yoga proposes to put before humanity a practical
and scientifically worked out method of reaching this truth. In the first place,
every science must have its own method of investigation. If you want to

become an astronomer and sit down and cry "Astronomy! Astronomy!" it will
never come to you. The same with chemistry. A certain method must be
followed. You must go to a laboratory, take different substances, mix them
up, compound them, experiment with them, and out of that will come a
knowledge of chemistry. If you want to be an astronomer, you must go to an
observatory, take a telescope, study the stars and planets, and then you will
become an astronomer. Each science must have its own methods. I could
preach you thousands of sermons, but they would not make you religious,
until you practised the method. (CW 1.128)
EFFECTS OF MEDITATION
Day and night think and meditate on Brahman, meditate with great
one-pointedness of mind. And during the time of awakeness to outward life,
either do some work for the sake of others or repeat in your mind, `Let good
happen to Jivas and the world!' `Let the mind of all flow in the direction of
Brahman!' Even by such continuous current of thought the world will be
benefited. Nothing good in the world becomes fruitless, be it work or thought.
Your thought-currents will perhaps rouse the religious feeling of someone in
America." [Swamiji said this at the monastery of Belur Math, near Calcutta,
speaking to an Indian disciple.] (CW 7. 237)
IN THE HOURS OF MEDITATION
You must keep the mind fixed on one object, like an unbroken stream
of oil. The ordinary man's mind is scattered on different objects, and at the
time of meditation, too, the mind is at first apt to wander. But let any desire
whatever arise in the mind, you must sit calmly and watch what sort of ideas

are coming. By continuing to watch in that way, the mind becomes calm, and
there are no more thought-waves in it. These waves represent the thoughtactivity of the mind. Those things that you have previously thought deeply,
have transformed themselves into a subconscious current, and therefore
these come up in the mind in meditation.
The rise of these waves, or thoughts, during meditation is an evidence
that your mind is tending towards concentration. Sometimes the mind is
concentrated on a set of ideas--this is called meditation with Vikalpa or
oscillation. But when the mind becomes almost free from all activities, it melts
in the inner Self, which is the essence of infinite Knowledge, One, and Itself Its
own support. This is what is called Nirvikalpa Samadhi, free from all activities.
In Shri Ramakrishna we have again and again noticed both these forms of
Samadhi. He had not to struggle to get these states. They came to him
spontaneously, then and there. It was a wonderful phenomenon. It was by
seeing him that we could rightly understand these things. (CW 7. 253-54)
EMOTIONS AND MEDITATION
Meditate every day alone. Everything will open up of itself. During
meditation, suppress the emotional side altogether. This is a great source of
danger. Those that are very emotional no doubt have their Kundalini rushing
quickly upwards, but it is as quick to come down as to go up. And when it does
come down, it leaves the devotee in a state of utter ruin. It is for this reason
that Kirtanas and other auxiliaries to emotional development have a great
drawback. It is true that by dancing and jumping, etc. through a momentary
impulse, that power is made to course upwards, but it is never enduring. On

the contrary when it traces back its course, it rouses violent lust in the
individual. But this happens simply owing to a lack of steady practice in
meditation and concentration.
Disciple: Sir, in no scriptures have I ever read these secrets of spiritual
practice. Today I have heard quite new things.
Swamiji: Do you think the scriptures contain all the secrets of spiritual
practice? These are being handed down secretly through a succession of
Gurus and disciples. Don't leave out a single day. If you have too much
pressing work, go through the spiritual exercises for at least a quarter of an
hour. Can you reach the goal without steadfast devotion, my son? (CW 7. 25455)
READ YOUR OWN LIFE
Control the mind, cut off the senses, then you are a Yogi; after that, all
the rest will come. Refuse to hear, to see, to smell, to taste; take away the
mental power from the external organs. You continually do it unconsciously
as when your mind is absorbed; so you can learn to do it consciously. The mind
can put the senses where it pleases. Get rid of the fundamental superstition
that we are obliged to act through the body. We are not. Go into your own
room and get the Upanishads out of your own Self. You are the greatest book
that ever was or ever will be, the infinite depository of all that is. Until the
inner teacher opens, all outside teaching is in vain.
Books are useless to us until our own book opens; then all other books
are good so far as they confirm our book. It is the strong that understand
strength, it is the elephant that understands the lion, not the rat. How can we

understand Jesus until we are his equals? It is all in the dream to feed five
thousand with two loaves, or to feed two with five loaves; neither is real and
neither affects the other. Only grandeur appreciates grandeur, only God
realises God.
We are the living books and books are but the words we have spoken.
Everything is the living God, the living Christ; see it as such. Read man, he is
the living poem. We are the light that illumines all the Bibles and Christs and
Buddhas that ever were. Without that, these would be dead to us, not living.
(CW 7. 71, 89)
EIGHT LIMBS OF YOGA
This Yoga is known as the eightfold Yoga, because it is divided into
eight principal parts. These are:
First--Yama. This is most important and has to govern the whole life; it
has five divisions:
1st. Not injuring any being by thought, word, or deed.
2nd. Non-covetousness in thought, word, or deed.
3rd. Perfect chastity in thought, word, or deed.
4th. Perfect truthfulness in thought, word, or deed.
5th. Non-receiving of gifts.
Second--Niyama. The bodily care, bathing daily, dietary, etc.
Third--Asana, posture. Hips, shoulders, and head must be held straight,
leaving the spine free.

Fourth--Pranayama, restraining the breath (in order to get control of
the Prana or vital force).
Fifth--Pratyahara, turning the mind inward and restraining it from
going outward, revolving the matter in the mind in order to understand it.
Sixth--Dharana, concentration on one subject.
Seventh--Dhyana, meditation.
Eighth--Samadhi, illumination, the aim of all our efforts.
He who seeks to come to God through Raja-Yoga must be strong
mentally, physically, morally, and spiritually. Take every step in that light. (CW
8. 41, 44)
AT THE THRESHOLD
This is a lesson seeking to bring out the individuality. Each individuality
must be cultivated. All will meet at the centre. "Imagination is the door to
inspiration and the basis of all thought." All prophets, poets, and discoverers
have had great imaginative power. The explanation of nature is in us; the
stone falls outside, but gravitation is in us, not outside.
Those who stuff themselves, those who starve themselves, those who
sleep too much, those who sleep too little, cannot become Yogis. Ignorance,
fickleness, jealousy, laziness, and excessive attachment are the great enemies
to success in Yoga practice. The three great requisites are:
First. Purity, physical and mental; all uncleanness, all that would draw
the mind down, must be abandoned.

Second. Patience: At first there will be wonderful manifestations, but
they will all cease. This is the hardest period, but hold fast; in the end the gain
is sure if you have patience.
Third. Perseverance: Persevere through thick and thin, through health
and sickness, never miss a day in practice. (CW 8. 38)
MEDITATE IN SILENCE
It is impossible to find God outside of ourselves. Our own souls
contribute all the divinity that is outside of us. We are the greatest temple.
The objectification is only a faint imitation of what we see within ourselves.
Concentration of the powers of the mind is our only instrument to help
us see God. If you know one soul (your own), you know all souls, past, present,
and to come. The will concentrates the mind, certain things excite and control
this will, such as reason, love, devotion, breathing. The concentrated mind is
a lamp that shows us every corner of the soul.
Truth cannot be partial; it is for the good of all. Finally, in perfect rest
and peace meditate upon It, concentrate your mind upon It, make yourself
one with It. Then no speech is needed; silence will carry the truth. Do not
spend your energy in talking, but meditate in silence; and do not let the rush
of the outside world disturb you. When your mind is in the highest state, you
are unconscious of it. Accumulate power in silence and become a dynamo of
spirituality. (CW 7. 59-61)

MEDITATION ACCORDING TO VEDANTA
WHY GOD?
I have been asked many times, "Why do you use that old word, God?"
Because it is the best word for our purpose; you cannot find a better word
than that, because all the hopes, aspirations, and happiness of humanity have
been centred in that word. It is impossible now to change the word. Words
like these were first coined by great saints who realised their import and
understood their meaning. But as they become current in society, ignorant
people take these words, and the result is that they lose their spirit and glory.
The word God has been used from time immemorial, and the idea of this
cosmic intelligence, and all that is great and holy, is associated with it. Do you
mean to say that because some fool says it is not all right, we should throw it
away? Another man may come and say, "Take my word," and another again,
"Take my word." So there will be no end to foolish words. Use the old word,
only use it in the true spirit, cleanse it of superstition, and realise fully what
this great ancient word means. (CW 2. 210)
THE VEDANTIC CONCEPTION OF GOD
What is the God of Vedanta? He is principle, not person. You and I are
all Personal Gods. The absolute God of the universe, the creator, preserver,
and destroyer of the universe, is impersonal principle. You and I, the cat, rat,
devil, and ghost, all these are Its persons--all are Personal Gods. You want to
worship Personal Gods. It is the worship of your own self. If you take my
advice, you will never enter any church. Come out and go and wash off. Wash

yourself again and again until you are cleansed of all the superstitions that
have clung to you through the ages.
I have been asked many times, "Why do you laugh so much and make
so many jokes?" I become serious sometimes--when I have stomach-ache!
The Lord is all blissfulness. He is the reality behind all that exists, He is the
goodness, the truth in everything. You are His incarnations. That is what is
glorious. The nearer you are to Him, the less you will have occasions to cry or
weep. The further we are from Him, the more will long faces come. The more
we know of Him, the more misery vanishes.
God is the infinite, impersonal being--ever existent, unchanging,
immortal, fearless; and you are all His incarnations, His embodiments. This is
the God of Vedanta, and His heaven is everywhere. (CW 8. 133-34)
THE GOAL AND METHODS OF REALIZATION
As every science has its methods so has every religion. Methods of
attaining the end of our religion are called Yoga, and the different forms of
Yoga that we teach are adapted to the different natures and temperaments
of men. We classify them in the following way, under four heads:
(1) Karma Yoga - The manner in which a man realizes his own divinity
through works and duty.
(2) Bhakti Yoga - The realization of a divinity through devotion to and
love of a personal God.
(3) Rajah Yoga - The realization of divinity through control of mind.

(4) Jnana Yoga - The realization of man's own divinity through
knowledge.
These are all different roads leading to the same center - God. (CW 5.
292)
PRAY FOR ILLUMINATION
Pray for illumination.
"I meditate on the glory of that being who created this universe; may
he illuminate my mind." Sit and meditate on this ten or fifteen minutes.
Tell your experiences to no one but your Guru.
Talk as little as possible.
Keep your thoughts on virtue; what we think we tend to become.
Holy meditation helps to burn out all mental impurities. (CW 8. 39)
DE-HYPNOTIZATION
Meditation has been laid stress upon by all religions. The meditative
state of mind is declared by the Yogis to be the highest state in which the mind
exists. When the mind is studying the external object, it gets identified with it,
loses itself. To use the simile of the old Indian philosopher: the soul of man is
like a piece of crystal, but it takes the colour of whatever is near it. Whatever
the soul touches… it has to take its colour. That is the difficulty. That
constitutes the bondage. The colour is so strong, the crystal forgets itself and
identifies itself with the colour. Suppose a red flower is near the crystal and
the crystal takes the colour and forgets itself, thinks it is red. We have taken
the colour of the body and have forgotten what we are. All the difficulties that

follow come from that one dead body. All our fears, all worries, anxieties,
troubles, mistakes, weakness, evil, are from that one great blunder--that we
are bodies.
The practice of meditation is pursued. The crystal knows what it is,
takes it own colour. It is meditation that brings us nearer to truth than
anything else… (CW 4. 227)
HERE AND NOW
Do not wait to have a harp and rest by degrees; why not take a harp
and begin here? Why wait for heaven? Make it here.
How can we understand that Moses saw God unless we too see Him?
If God ever came to anyone, He will come to me. I will go to God direct; let
Him talk to me. I cannot take belief as a basis; that is atheism and blasphemy.
If God spake to a man in the deserts of Arabia two thousand years ago, He can
also speak to me today, else how can I know that He has not died? Come to
God any way you can; only come. But in coming do not push anyone down.
(CW 7. 93, 97)
AN INDIAN LULLABY
There was once a Hindu queen, who so much desired that all her
children should attain freedom in this life that she herself took all the care of
them; and as she rocked them to sleep, she sang always the one song to them-"Tat tvam asi, Tat tvam asi" ("That thou art, That thou art").
Three of them became Sannyasins, but the fourth was taken away to
be brought up elsewhere to become a king. As he was leaving home, the
mother gave him a piece of paper which he was to read when he grew to

manhood. On that piece of paper was written, "God alone is true. All else is
false. The soul never kills or is killed. Live alone or in the company of holy
ones." When the young prince read this, he too at once renounced the world
and became a Sannyasin. (CW 7. 89-90)
A TALE OF TWO BIRDS
The whole of the Vedanta Philosophy is in this story: Two birds of
golden plumage sat on the same tree. The one above, serene, majestic,
immersed in his own glory; the one below restless and eating the fruits of the
tree, now sweet, now bitter. Once he ate an exceptionally bitter fruit, then he
paused and looked up at the majestic bird above; but he soon forgot about
the other bird and went on eating the fruits of the tree as before. Again he ate
a bitter fruit, and this time he hopped up a few boughs nearer to the bird at
the top. This happened many times until at last the lower bird came to the
place of the upper bird and lost himself. He found all at once that there had
never been two birds, but that he was all the time that upper bird, serene,
majestic, and immersed in his own glory. (CW 7. 80)
BE GRATEFUL!
Be grateful to him who curses you, for he gives you a mirror to show
what cursing is, also a chance to practise self-restraint; so bless him and be
glad. Without exercise, power cannot come out; without the mirror, we
cannot see ourselves.
The angels never do wicked deeds, so they never get punished and
never get saved. Blows are what awaken us and help to break the dream. They

show us the insufficiency of this world and make us long to escape, to have
freedom… (CW 7. 69, 79)
FROM SOLITUDE TO SOCIETY
Swamiji: Shankara left this Advaita philosophy in the hills and forests,
while I have come to bring it out of those places and scatter it broadcast
before the workaday world and society. The lion-roar of Advaita must resound
in every hearth and home, in meadows and groves, over hills and plains. Come
all of you to my assistance and set yourselves to work.
Disciple: Sir, it appeals to me rather to realise that state through
meditation than to manifest it in action.
Swamiji: That is but a state of stupefaction, as under liquor. What will
be the use of merely remaining like that? Through the urge of Advaitic
realisation, you should sometimes dance wildly and sometimes remain lost to
outward sense. Does one feel happy to taste of a good thing by oneself? One
should share it with others. Granted that you attain personal liberation by
means of the realisation of the Advaita, but what matters it to the world? You
must liberate the whole universe before you leave this body. Then only you
will be established in the eternal Truth. Has that bliss any match, my boy? (CW
7. 162-63)
WHO CAN KNOW THE KNOWER?
Disciple: If I am Brahman, why don't I always realise it?
Swamiji: In order to attain to that realisation in the conscious plane,
some instrumentality is required. The mind is that instrument in us. But it is a
non-intelligent substance. It only appears to be intelligent through the light of

the Atman behind. Therefore it is certain that you won't be able to know the
Atman, the Essence of Intelligence, through the mind. You have to go beyond
the mind. The real fact is that there is a state beyond the conscious plane,
where there is no duality of the knower, knowledge, and the instrument of
knowledge etc. When the mind is merged, that state is perceived. I say it is
"perceived," because there is no other word to express that state. Language
cannot express that state. (CW 7. 141-42)
WHAT IS BEYOND?
The processes of evolution, higher and higher combinations, are not in
the soul; it is already what it is. They are in nature. But as nature is evolving
forward into higher and higher combinations, more and more of the majesty
of the soul is manifesting itself. Suppose here is a screen, and behind the
screen is wonderful scenery. There is one small hole in the screen through
which we can catch only a little bit of that scenery behind. Suppose that hole
becomes increased in size. As the hole increases in size, more and more of the
scenery behind comes within the range of vision; and when the whole screen
has disappeared, there is nothing between the scenery and you; you see the
whole of it. This screen is the mind of man. Behind it is the majesty, the purity,
the infinite power of the soul, and as the mind becomes clearer and clearer,
purer and purer, more of the majesty of the soul manifests itself. Not that the
soul is changing, but the change is in the screen. The soul is the unchangeable
One, the immortal, the pure, the ever-blessed One. (CW 6.24)

BE THE WITNESS!
Say, when the tyrant hand is on your neck, "I am the Witness! I am the
Witness!" Say, "I am the Spirit! Nothing external can touch me." When evil
thoughts arise, repeat that, give that sledge-hammer blow on their heads, "I
am the Spirit! I am the Witness, the Ever-Blessed! I have no reason to do, no
reason to suffer, I have finished with everything, I am the Witness. I am in my
picture gallery--this universe is my museum, I am looking at these successive
paintings. They are all beautiful. Whether good or evil. I see the marvellous
skill, but it is all one. Infinite flames of the Great Painter!" (CW 5. 254)
DO WE WANT GOD?
Let us ask ourselves each day, "Do we want God?" When we begin to
talk religion, and especially when we take a high position and begin to teach
others, we must ask ourselves the same question. I find many times that I
don't want God, I want bread more. I may go mad if I don't get a piece of
bread; many ladies will go mad if they don't get a diamond pin, but they do
not have the same desire for God; they do not know the only Reality that is in
the universe. There is a proverb in our language--If I want to be a hunter, I'll
hunt the rhinoceros; if I want to be a robber, I'll rob the king's treasury. What
is the use of robbing beggars or hunting ants? So if you want to love, love God.
(CW 4. 20)
THE SOUL AND ITS BONDAGE
We are the Infinite Being of the universe and have become
materialised into these little beings, men and women, depending upon the
sweet word of one man, or the angry word of another, and so forth. What a

terrible dependence, what a terrible slavery! If you pinch my body, I feel pain.
If one says a kind word, I begin to rejoice. See my condition--slave of the body,
slave of the mind, slave of the world, slave of a good word, slave of a bad
word, slave of passion, slave of happiness, slave of life, slave of death, slave of
everything! This slavery has to be broken. Think always, "I am Brahman."
So what is the meditation of the Jnani? He wants to rise above every idea
of body or mind, to drive away the idea that he is the body. Why make the body
nice? To enjoy the illusion once more? To continue slavery? Let it go, I am not the
body. That is the way of the Jnani. The Bhakta says, "The Lord has given me this
body that I many safely cross the ocean of life, and I must cherish it until the
journey is accomplished." The Yogi says, "I must be careful of the body, so that I
may go steadily and finally attain liberation." (CW 3. 25, 27-28)
IT IS ALL IN FUN
It is all play. Play! God Almighty plays. That is all. You are the almighty
God playing. If you want to play on the side and take the part of a beggar, you
are not [to blame someone else for making that choice]. You enjoy being the
beggar. You know your real nature [to be divine]. You are the king and play
you are a beggar... It is all fun. Know it and play. That is all there is to it. Then
practise it. The whole universe is a vast play. All is good because all is fun.
When I was a child I was told by someone that God watches
everything. I went to bed and looked up and expected the ceiling of the room
to open. Nothing happened. Nobody is watching us except ourselves. No Lord
except our own Self.

Do not be miserable! Do not repent! What is done is done. If you burn
yourself, take the consequences.
Be sensible. We make mistakes; what of that? That is all in fun. They
go so crazy over their past sins, moaning and weeping and all that. Do not
repent! After having done work, do not think of it. Go on! Stop not! Don't look
back! What will you gain by looking back?
He who knows that he is free is free; he who knows that he is bound is
bound. What is the end and aim of life? None, because I [know that I am the
Infinite]. If you are beggars, you can have aims. I have no aims, no want, no
purpose. I come to your country, and lecture --just for fun. (CW 2. 470-71)
A PSALM OF LIFE
In enjoyment is the fear of disease;
In high birth, the fear of losing caste;
In wealth, the fear of tyrants;
In honour, the fear of losing her;
In strength, the fear of enemies;
In beauty, the fear of the other sex;
In knowledge, the fear of defeat;
In virtue, the fear of scandal;
In the body, the fear of death.
In this life, all is fraught with fear.
Renunciation alone is fearless.
(In Search of God and other Poems, P 81)

LET BYGONES BE BYGONES
If I teach you, therefore, that your nature is evil, that you should go
home and sit in sackcloth and ashes and weep your lives out because you took
certain false steps, it will not help you, but will weaken you all the more, and
I shall be showing you the road to more evil than good. If this room is full of
darkness for thousands of years and you come in and begin to weep and wail,
"Oh the darkness", will the darkness vanish? Strike a match and light comes in
a moment. What good will it do you to think all your lives, "Oh, I have done
evil, I have made many mistakes"? It requires no ghost to tell us that. Bring in
the light and the evil goes in a moment. Build up your character, and manifest
your real nature, the Effulgent, the Resplendent, the Ever-Pure, and call It up
in everyone that you see. (CW 2. 357)
THE LIVING GOD IS WITHIN YOU
The living God is within you, and yet you are building churches and
temples and believing all sorts of imaginary nonsense. The only God to
worship is the human soul in the human body. Of course all animals are
temples too, but man is the highest, the Taj Mahal of temples. If I cannot
worship in that, no other temple will be of any advantage. The moment I have
realised God sitting in the temple of every human body, the moment I stand
in reverence before every human being and see God in him--that moment I
am free from bondage, everything that binds vanishes, and I am free. (CW 2.
321)

THE LORD IS YOURS
Do you feel for others? If you do, you are growing in oneness. If you do
not feel for others, you may be the most intellectual giant ever born, but you
will be nothing; you are but dry intellect, and you will remain so. And if you
feel, even if you cannot read any book and do not know any language, you are
in the right way. The Lord is yours.
Do you not know from the history of the world where the power of the
prophets lay? Where was it? In the intellect? Did any of them write a fine book
on philosophy, on the most intricate ratiocinations of logic? Not one of them.
They only spoke a few words. Feel like Christ and you will be a Christ; feel like
Buddha and you will be a Buddha. It is feeling that is the life, the strength, the
vitality, without which no amount of intellectual activity can reach God. It is
through the heart that the Lord is seen, and not through the intellect. (CW
2.306, 307)
NO ONE TO BLAME
blame none for your own faults, stand upon your own feet, and take
the whole responsibility upon yourselves. Say, "This misery that I am suffering
is of my own doing, and that very thing proves that it will have to be undone
by me alone." That which I created, I can demolish; that which is created by
some one else I shall never be able to destroy. Therefore, stand up, be bold,
be strong. Take the whole responsibility on your own shoulders, and know
that you are the creator of your own destiny. All the strength and succour you
want is within yourselves. Therefore, make your own future. "Let the dead
past bury its dead." The infinite future is before you, and you must always

remember that each word, thought, and deed, lays up a store for you and that
as the bad thoughts and bad works are ready to spring upon you like tigers, so
also there is the inspiring hope that the good thoughts and good deeds are
ready with the power of a hundred thousand angels to defend you always and
forever. (CW 2. 225)
THE WORLD: NEITHER GOOD NOR BAD
If one millionth part of the men and women who live in this world
simply sit down and for a few minutes say, "You are all God, O ye men and O
ye animals and living beings, you are all the manifestations of the one living
Deity!" the whole world will be changed in half an hour. Instead of throwing
tremendous bomb-shells of hatred into every corner, instead of projecting
currents of jealousy and evil thought, in every country people will think that it
is all He. He is all that you see and feel. How can you see evil until there is evil
in you? How can you see the thief, unless he is there, sitting in the heart of
your heart? How can you see the murderer until you are yourself the
murderer? Be good, and evil will vanish for you. The whole universe will thus
be changed.
Here is another thing to learn. We cannot possibly conquer all the
objective environments. We cannot. The little fish wants to fly from its
enemies in the water. How does it do so? By evolving wings and becoming a
bird. The fish did not change the water or the air; the change was in itself.
Change is always subjective. All through evolution you find that the conquest
of nature comes by change in the subject. Apply this to religion and morality,
and you will find that the conquest of evil comes by the change in the

subjective alone. That is how the Advaita system gets it whole force, on the
subjective side of man. To talk of evil and misery is nonsense, because they do
not exist outside.
I may make bold to say that the only religion which agrees with, and
even goes a little further than modern researches, both on physical and moral
lines is the Advaita, and that is why it appeals to modern scientists so much.
(CW 2. 287, 137-38)
AL ALLEGORY
Picture the Self to be the rider and this body the chariot, the intellect
to be the charioteer, mind the reins, and the senses the horses. He whose
horses are well broken, and whose reins are strong and kept well in the hands
of the charioteer (the intellect) reaches the goal which is the state of Him, the
Omnipresent. But the man whose horses (the senses) are not controlled, nor
the reins (the mind) well managed, goes to destruction. (CW 2. 169)
MORALITY AND RELIGION
Religion comes when that actual realisation in our own soul begins.
That will be the dawn of religion; and then alone we shall be moral. Now we
are not much more moral than the animals. We are only held down by the
whips of society. If society said today, "I will not punish you if you steal", we
should just make a rush for each other's property. It is the policeman that
makes us moral. It is social opinion that makes us moral, and really we are
little better than animals. We understand how much this is so in the secret of
our own hearts. So let us not be hypocrites.

This is the watchword of Vedanta--realise religion, no talking will do.
But it is done with great difficulty. He has hidden Himself inside the atom, this
Ancient One who resides in the inmost recess of every human heart. The sages
realised Him through the power of introspection… (CW 2. 164-65)
SEE GOD IN EVERYTHING
From my childhood I have heard of seeing God everywhere and in
everything, and then I can really enjoy the world, but as soon as I mix with the
world, and get a few blows from it, the idea vanishes. I am walking in a street
thinking that God is in every man, and a strong man comes along and gives me
a push and I fall flat on the footpath. Then I rise up quickly with a clenched
fist, and the blood has rushed to my head, and the reflection goes.
Immediately I have become mad. Everything is forgotten; instead of
encountering God I see the devil. Ever since we were born we have been told
to see God in all. Every religion reaches that--see God in everything and
everywhere.
Never mind failures; they are quite natural, they are the beauty of life,
these failures. What would life be without them? It would not be worth having
if it were not for struggles. Where would be the poetry of life? Never mind the
struggles, the mistakes. I never heard a cow tell a lie, but it is only a cow-never a man. So never mind these failures, these little backslidings; hold the
ideal a thousand times, and if you fail a thousand times, make the attempt
once more. The ideal of man is to see God in everything. (CW 2. 151-52)

TOWARDS THE GOAL SUPREME
If a man plunges headlong into foolish luxuries of the world without
knowing the truth, he has missed his footing, he cannot reach the goal. And if
a man curses the world, goes into a forest, mortifies his flesh, and kills himself
little by little by starvation, makes his heart a barren waste, kills out all
feelings, and becomes harsh, stern, and dried-up, that man also has missed
the way. These are the two extremes, the two mistakes at either end. Both
have lost the way, both have missed the goal.
Unfortunately in this life, the vast majority of persons are groping
through this dark life without any ideal at all. If a man with an ideal makes a
thousand mistakes, I am sure that the man without an ideal makes fifty
thousand. Therefore, it is better to have an ideal. And this ideal we must hear
about as much as we can, till it enters into our hearts, into our brains, into our
very veins, until it tingles in every drop of our blood and permeates every pore
in our body. We must meditate upon it. "Out of the fullness of the heart the
mouth speaketh," and out of the fullness of the heart the hand works too. (CW
2. 150, 152)
WHAT MAKES US MISERABLE?
The cause of all miseries from which we suffer is desire. You desire
something and the desire is not fulfilled; the result is distress. If there is no
desire, there is no suffering. But here, too, there is the danger of my being
misunderstood. So it is necessary to explain what I mean by giving up desire
and becoming free from all misery. The walls have no desire and they never
suffer. True, but they never evolve. This chair has no desires, it never suffers;

but it is always a chair. There is a glory in happiness, there is a glory in
suffering.
As for me, I am glad I have done something good and many things bad;
glad I have done something right, and glad I have committed many errors,
because every one of them has been a great lesson. I, as I am now, am the
resultant of all I have done, all I have thought. Every action and thought have
had their effect, and these effects are the sum total of my progress.
The solution is this. Not that you should not have property, not that
you should not have things which are necessary and things which are even
luxuries. Have all that you want, and more, only know the truth and realise it.
Wealth does not belong to anybody. Have no idea of proprietorship,
possessorship. You are nobody, nor am I, nor anyone else. All belongs to the
Lord. (CW 2. 147-48)
QUINTESSENCE OF VEDANTA
Here I can only lay before you what the Vedanta seeks to teach, and
that is the deification of the world. The Vedanta does not in reality denounce
the world. The ideal of renunciation nowhere attains such a height as in the
teachings of the Vedanta. But, at the same time, dry suicidal advice is not
intended; it really means deification of the world--giving up the world as we
think of it, as we know it, as it appears to us--and to know what it really is.
Deify it; it is God alone. We read at the commencement of one of the oldest
of the Upanishads, "Whatever exists in this universe is to be covered with the
Lord."

We have to cover everything with the Lord Himself, not by a false sort
of optimism, not by blinding our eyes to the evil, but by really seeing God in
everything. Thus we have to give up the world, and when the world is given
up, what remains? God. What is meant? You can have your wife; it does not
mean that you are to abandon her, but that you are to see God in the wife.
Give up your children; what does that mean? To turn them out of doors, as
some human brutes do in every country? Certainly not. That is diabolism; it is
not religion. But see God in your children. So, in everything. In life and in
death, in happiness and in misery, the Lord is equally present. The whole
world is full of the Lord. Open your eyes and see Him. This is what Vedanta
teaches.
A tremendous assertion indeed! Yet that is the theme which the
Vedanta wants to demonstrate, to teach, and to preach. (CW 2. 146-47)
‘WHY WEEPEST THOU, MY FRIEND?’
"Why weepest thou, my friend? There is neither birth nor death for
thee. Why weepest thou? There is no disease nor misery for thee, but thou
art like the infinite sky; clouds of various colours come over it, play for a
moment, then vanish. But the sky is ever the same eternal blue." Why do we
see wickedness? There was a stump of a tree, and in the dark, a thief came
that way and said, "That is a policeman." A young man waiting for his beloved
saw it and thought that it was his sweetheart. A child who had been told ghost
stories took it for a ghost and began to shriek. But all the time it was the stump
of a tree. We see the world as we are.

Do not talk of the wickedness of the world and all its sins. Weep that
you are bound to see wickedness yet. Weep that you are bound to see sin
everywhere, and if you want to help the world, do not condemn it. Do not
weaken it more. For what is sin and what is misery, and what are all these, but
the results of weakness? The world is made weaker and weaker every day by
such teachings. Men are taught from childhood that they are weak and
sinners. Teach them that they are all glorious children of immortality, even
those who are the weakest in manifestation. Let positive, strong, helpful
thought enter into their brains from very childhood. (CW 2. 86-87)
THE SNARE OF MAYA
Once Narada said to Krishna, "Lord, show me Maya." A few days
passed away, and Krishna asked Narada to make a trip with him towards a
desert, and after walking for several miles, Krishna said, "Narada, I am thirsty;
can you fetch some water for me?" "I will go at once, sir, and get you water."
So Narada went.
At a little distance there was a village; he entered the village in search
of water and knocked at a door, which was opened by a most beautiful young
girl. At the sight of her he immediately forgot that his Master was waiting for
water, perhaps dying for the want of it. He forgot everything and began to talk
with the girl. All that day, he was again at the house, talking to the girl. That
talk ripened into love; he asked the father for the daughter, and they were
married and lived there and had children. Thus twelve years passed. His
father-in-law died, he inherited his property. He lived, as he seemed to think,

a very happy life with his wife and children, his fields and his cattle, and so
forth.
Then came a flood. One night the river rose until it overflowed its
banks and flooded the whole village. Houses fell, men and animals were swept
away and drowned, and everything was floating in the rush of the stream.
Narada had to escape. With one hand he held his wife, and with other two of
his children; another child was on his shoulders, and he was trying to ford this
tremendous flood. After a few steps he found the current was too strong, and
the child on his shoulders fell and was borne away. A cry of despair came from
Narada. In trying to save that child, he lost his grasp upon one of the others,
and it also was lost. At last his wife, whom he clasped with all his might, was
torn away by the current, and he was thrown on the bank, weeping and
wailing in bitter lamentation.
Behind him there came a gentle voice, "My child, where is the water?
You went to fetch a pitcher of water, and I am waiting for you; you have been
gone for quite half an hour." "Half an hour!" Narada exclaimed. Twelve whole
years had passed through his mind, and all these scenes had happened in half
an hour! And this is Maya. (CW 2. 120-21)
LIFE INSPIRES LIFE
A man comes; you know he is very learned, his language is beautiful,
and he speaks to you by the hour; but he does not make any impression.
Another man comes, and he speaks a few words, not well arranged,
ungrammatical perhaps; all the same, he makes an immense impression.
Many of you have seen that. So it is evident that words alone cannot always

produce an impression. Words, even thoughts contribute only one-third of the
influence in making an impression, the man, two-thirds. What you call the
personal magnetism of the man--that is what goes out and impresses you.
Coming to great leaders of mankind, we always find that it was the
personality of the man that counted. Now, take all the great authors of the
past, the great thinkers. Really speaking, how many thoughts have they
thought? Take all the writings that have been left to us by the past leaders of
mankind; take each one of their books and appraise them. The real thoughts,
new and genuine, that have been thought in this world up to this time, amount
to only a handful. Read in their books the thoughts they have left to us. The
authors do not appear to be giants to us, and yet we know that they were
great giants in their days. What made them so? Not simply the thoughts they
thought, neither the books they wrote, nor the speeches they made, it was
something else that is now gone, that is their personality. As I have already
remarked, the personality of the man is two-thirds, and his intellect, his
words, are but one-third. It is the real man, the personality of the man, that
runs through us. (CW 2. 14-15)
SPIRITUAL BOLDNESS
In the Mutiny of 1857 there was a Swami, a very great soul, whom a
Mohammedan mutineer stabbed severely. The Hindu mutineers caught and
brought the man to the Swami, offering to kill him. But the Swami looked up
calmly and said, "My brother, thou art He, thou art He!" and expired.
Stand up, men and women, in this spirit, dare to believe in the Truth,
dare to practise the Truth! The world requires a few hundred bold men and

women. Practise that boldness which dares know the Truth, which dares show
the Truth in life, which does not quake before death, nay, welcomes death,
makes a man know that he is the Spirit, that, in the whole universe, nothing
can kill him. Then you will be free. Then you will know your real Soul. "This
Atman is first to be heard, then thought about and then meditated upon." (CW
2. 85)
A WISP OF STRAW
In some oil mills in India, bullocks are used that go round and round to
grind the oil-seed. There is a yoke on the bullock's neck. They have a piece of
wood protruding from the yoke, and on that is fastened a wisp of straw. The
bullock is blindfolded in such a way that it can only look forward, and so it
stretches its neck to get at the straw; and in doing so, it pushes the piece of
wood out a little further; and it makes another attempt with the same result,
and yet another, and so on. It never catches the straw, but goes round and
round in the hope of getting it, and in so doing, grinds out the oil. In the same
way you and I who are born slaves to nature, money and wealth, wives and
children, are always chasing a wisp of straw, a mere chimera, and are going
through an innumerable round of lives without obtaining what we seek.
Such is the life-story of each one of us; such is the tremendous power
of nature over us. It repeatedly kicks us away, but still we pursue it with
feverish excitement. (CW 1. 408-09)
LOVE ABIDETH FOREVER
Say day and night, "Thou art my father, my mother, my husband, my
love, my lord, my God--I want nothing but Thee, nothing but Thee, nothing

but Thee. Thou in me, I in Thee, I am Thee. Thou art me." Wealth goes, beauty
vanishes, life flies, powers fly--but the Lord abideth forever, love abideth
forever.
Stick to God! Who cares what comes to the body or to anything else!
Through the terrors of evil, say--my God, my love! Through the pangs of death,
say--my God, my love! Through all the evils under the sun, say--my God, my
love!
This life is a great chance. What, seekest thou the pleasures of the
world?--He is the fountain of all bliss. Seek for the highest, aim at that highest,
and you shall reach the highest. (CW 6. 262)
MAN, THE MAKER OF HIS DESTINY
Weak men, when they lose everything and feel themselves weak, try
all sorts of uncanny methods of making money, and come to astrology and all
these things. "It is the coward and the fool who says, 'This is fate'"--so says the
Sanskrit proverb. But it is the strong man who stands up and says, "I will make
my fate."
There is an old story of an astrologer who came to a king and said, "You
are going to die in six months." The king was frightened out of his wits and
was almost about to die then and there from fear. But his minister was a clever
man, and this man told the king that these astrologers were fools. The king
would not believe him. So the minister saw no other way to make the king see
that they were fools but to invite the astrologer to the palace again. There he
asked him if his calculations were correct. The astrologer said that there could
not be a mistake, but to satisfy him he went through the whole of the

calculations again and then said that they were perfectly correct. The king's
face became livid. The minister said to the astrologer, "And when do you think
that you will die?" "In twelve years", was the reply. The minister quickly drew
his sword and separated the astrologer's head from the body and said to the
king, "Do you see this liar? He is dead this moment." (CW 8. 184-85)
THE GOSPEL OF FEARLESSNESS
What makes the difference between God and man, between the saint
and the sinner? Only ignorance. What is the difference between the highest
man and the lowest worm that crawls under your feet? Ignorance. That makes
all the difference. For inside that little crawling worm is lodged infinite power,
and knowledge, and purity--the infinite divinity of God Himself. It is
unmanifested; it will have to be manifested. This is spirituality, the science of
the soul.
Strength is goodness, weakness is sin. If there is one word that you find
coming out like a bomb from the Upanishads, bursting like a bomb-shell upon
masses of ignorance, it is the word fearlessness. And the only religion that
ought to be taught is the religion of fearlessness. Either in this world or in the
world of religion, it is true that fear is the sure cause of degradation and sin.
It is fear that brings misery, fear that brings death, fear that breeds evil. And
what causes fear? Ignorance of our own nature.
Despair not. For you are the same whatever you do, and you cannot
change your nature. Nature itself cannot destroy nature. Your nature is pure.
It may be hidden for millions of aeons, but at last it will conquer and come
out. Therefore the Advaita brings hope to everyone and not despair. Its

teaching is not through fear; it teaches, not of devils who are always on the
watch to snatch you if you miss your footing--it has nothing to do with devils-but says that you have taken your fate in your own hands. Your own Karma
has manufactured for you this body, and nobody did it for you. And all the
responsibility of good and evil is on you. This is the great hope. What I have done,
that I can undo. (CW 3. 159-61)
THE NEED FOR A GURU
The soul can only receive impulses from another soul, and from
nothing else. We may study books all our lives, we may become very
intellectual, but in the end we find that we have not developed at all
spiritually. It is not true that a high order of intellectual development always
goes hand in hand with a proportionate development of the spiritual side in
Man. In studying books we are sometimes deluded into thinking that thereby
we are being spiritually helped; but if we analyse the effect of the study of
books on ourselves, we shall find that at the utmost it is only our intellect that
derives profit from such studies, and not our inner spirit. This inadequacy of
books to quicken spiritual growth is the reason why, although almost every
one of us can speak most wonderfully on spiritual matters, when it comes to
action and the living of a truly spiritual life, we find ourselves so awfully
deficient. To quicken the spirit, the impulse must come from another soul.
The person from whose soul such impulse comes is called the Guru-the teacher; and the person to whose soul the impulse is conveyed is called
the Shishya--the student. (CW 3. 45)

THE QUALIFICATIONS OF THE STUDENT
Three things are necessary to the student who wishes to succeed.
First. Give up all ideas of enjoyment in this world and the next, care
only for God and Truth. We are here to know truth, not for enjoyment. Leave
that to brutes who enjoy as we never can. Man is a thinking being and must
struggle on until he conquers death, until he sees the light. He must not spend
himself in vain talking that bears no fruit. Worship of society and popular
opinion is idolatry. The soul has no sex, no country, no place, no time.
Second. Intense desire to know Truth and God. Be eager for them, long
for them, as a drowning man longs for breath. Want only God, take nothing
else, let not "seeming" cheat you any longer. Turn from all and seek only God.
Third. The six trainings: First--Restraining the mind from going
outward. Second--Restraining the senses. Third--Turning the mind inward.
Fourth--Suffering everything without murmuring. Fifth--Fastening the mind to
one idea. Take the subject before you and think it out; never leave it. Do not
count time. Sixth--Think constantly of your real nature. Get rid of superstition.
Do not hypnotise yourself into a belief in your own inferiority. Day and night
tell yourself what you really are, until you realise (actually realise) your
oneness with God. (CW 8. 37)
ARE WE FIT FOR PARADISE?
Some poor fishwives, overtaken by a violent storm, found refuge in the
garden of a rich man. He received them kindly, fed them, and left them to rest
in a summer-house, surrounded by exquisite flowers which filled all the air
with their rich perfume. The women lay down in this sweet-smelling paradise,

but could not sleep. They missed something out of their lives and could not be
happy without it. At last one of the women arose and went to the place where
they had left their fish baskets, brought them to the summer-house, and then
once more happy in the familiar smell, they were all soon sound asleep. (CW
8. 29)
WHAT WE THINK WE BECOME
Thought is all important, for "what we think we become". There was
once a Sannyasin, a holy man, who sat under a tree and taught the people. He
drank milk, and ate only fruit, and made endless "Pranayamas", and felt
himself to be very holy.
In the same village lived an evil woman. Every day the Sannyasin went
and warned her that her wickedness would lead her to hell. The poor woman,
unable to change her method of life which was her only means of livelihood,
was still much moved by the terrible future depicted by the Sannyasin. She
wept and prayed to the Lord, begging Him to forgive her because she could
not help herself.
By and by both the holy man and the evil woman died. The angels came
and bore her to heaven, while the demons claimed the soul of the Sannyasin.
"Why is this!" he exclaimed, "have I not lived a most holy life, and preached
holiness to everybody? Why should I be taken to hell while this wicked woman
is taken to heaven?" "Because," answered the demons, "while she was forced
to commit unholy acts, her mind was always fixed on the Lord and she sought
deliverance, which has now come to her. But you, on the contrary, while you
performed only holy acts, had your mind always fixed on the wickedness of

others. You saw only sin, and thought only of sin, so now you have to go to
that place where only sin is." (CW 8. 19-20)
ENJOY THE MANGOES
The whole world reads Bibles, Vedas, and Korans; but they are all only
words, syntax, etymology, philology, the dry bones of religion. The teacher
who deals too much in words and allows the mind to be carried away by the
force of words lose the spirit. It is the knowledge of the spirit of the scriptures
alone that constitutes the true religious teacher. The network of the words of
the scriptures is like a huge forest in which the human mind loses itself and
finds no way out.
Ramakrishna used to tell a story of some men who went into a mango
orchard and busied themselves in counting the leaves, the twigs, and the
branches, examining their colour, comparing their size and noting down
everything most carefully, and then got up a learned discussion on each of
these topics, which were undoubtedly highly interesting to them. But one of
them, more sensible than the others, did not care for all these things, and
instead thereof, began to eat the mango fruit. And was he not wise? So leave
this counting of leaves and twigs and note-taking to others. This kind of work
has its proper place, but not here in the spiritual domain. You never see a
strong spiritual man among these "leaf-counters". (CW 3. 49-50)
STICK TO ONE
Every sect of every religion presents only one ideal of its own to
mankind, but the eternal Vedantic religion opens to mankind an infinite
number of doors for ingress into the inner shrine of divinity, and places before

humanity an almost inexhaustible array of ideals, there being in each of them
a manifestation of the Eternal One.
Yet the growing plant must be hedged round to protect it until it has
grown into a tree. The tender plant of spirituality will die if exposed too early
to the action of a constant change of ideas and ideals. Many people, in the
name of what may be called religious liberalism, may be seen feeding their
idle curiosity with a continuous succession of different ideals. With them,
hearing new things grows into a kind of disease, a sort of religious drink mania. They want to hear new things just by way of getting a temporary
nervous excitement, and when one such exciting influence has had its effect
on them, they are ready for another. Religion is with these people a sort of
intellectual opium - eating, and there it ends. Eka - Nishtha or devotion to one
ideal is absolutely necessary for the beginner in the practice of religious
devotion. (CW 3. 63-64)
THE TRANSFORMATION OF ENERGY
Unchaste imagination is as bad as unchaste action. Controlled desire
leads to the highest result. Transform the sexual energy into spiritual energy,
but do not emasculate, because that is throwing away the power. The
stronger this force, the more can be done with it. Only a powerful current of
water can do hydraulic mining. (CW 7. 69)
HOW TO BE ILLIMINED?
The illumined souls, the great ones that come to the earth from time
to time, have the power to reveal the Supernal Vision to us. They are free
already; they do not care for their own salvation--they want to help others.

Upon these free souls depends the spiritual growth of mankind. They
are like the first lamps from which other lamps are lighted. True, the light is in
everyone, but in most men it is hidden. The great souls are shining lights from
the beginning. Those who come in contact with them have as it were their
own lamps lighted. By this the first lamp does not lose anything; yet it
communicates its light to other lamps. A million lamps are lighted; but the first
lamp goes on shining with undiminished light. The first lamp is the Guru, and
the lamp that is lighted from it is the disciple. (CW 8. 115, 113)
THE SECRET FO RESTRAINT
All outgoing energy following a selfish motive is frittered away; it will
not cause power to return to you; but if restrained, it will result in
development of power. This self-control will tend to produce a mighty will, a
character which makes a Christ or a Buddha. Foolish men do not know this
secret; they nevertheless want to rule mankind.
The ideal man is he who, in the midst of the greatest silence and
solitude, finds the intensest activity, and in the midst of the intensest activity
finds the silence and solitude of the desert. He has learnt the secret of
restraint, he has controlled himself. (CW 1. 33-34)
MIND: THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSE
Knowledge is inherent in man. No knowledge comes from outside; it is
all inside. What we say a man "knows", should, in strict psychological
language, be what he "discovers" or "unveils"; what a man "learns" is really
what he "discovers", by taking the cover off his own soul, which is a mine of
infinite knowledge.

We say Newton discovered gravitation. Was it sitting anywhere in a
corner waiting for him? It was in his own mind; the time came and he found it
out. All knowledge that the world has ever received comes from the mind; the
infinite library of the universe is in your own mind. (CW 1. 28)
GRACE AND SELF-EFFORT
Disciple: Is there, sir, any law of grace?
Swamiji: Yes and no.
Disciple: How is that?
Swamiji: Those who are pure always in body, mind, and speech, who
have strong devotion, who discriminate between the real and the unreal, who
persevere in meditation and contemplation--upon them alone the grace of
the Lord descends. Shri Ramakrishna used to say sometimes, "Do rely on Him;
be like the dry leaf at the mercy of the wind"; and again he would say, "The
wind of His grace is always blowing, what you need to do is to unfurl your sail."
Disciple: But of what necessity is grace to him who can control himself
in thought, word, and deed? For then he would be able to develop himself in
the path of spirituality by means of his own exertions!
Swamiji: The Lord is very merciful to him whom He sees struggling
heart and soul for Realisation. But remain idle, without any struggle, and you
will see that His grace will never come.
Disciple: Shri Girish Chandra Ghosh1 once said to me that there could be
no condition in God's mercy; there could be no law for it! If there were, then it
1The great Bengali actor-dramatist, a staunch devotee of Shri Ramakrishna.

could no longer be termed mercy. The realm of grace or mercy must transcend
all law.
Swamiji: But there must be some higher law at work in the sphere
alluded to by G. C. of which we are ignorant. Those are words, indeed, for the
last stage of development, which alone is beyond time, space, and causation.
But, when we get there, who will be merciful, and to whom, where there is no
law of causation? There the worshipper and the worshipped, the meditator and
the object of meditation, the knower and the known, all become one--call that
Grace or Brahman, if you will. It is all one uniform homogeneous entity! (CW 6.
481-82, 5. 398-400)
THE GOAL AND THE WAYS
Each soul is potentially divine.
The goal is to manifest this Divinity within by controlling nature,
external and internal.
Do this either by work, or worship, or psychic control, or philosophy-by one, or more, or all of these--and be free.
This is the whole of religion. Doctrines, or dogmas, or rituals, or books,
or temples, or forms, are but secondary details.
"Ye children of immortality, even those who live in the highest sphere,
the way is found; there is a way out of all this darkness, and that is by
perceiving Him who is beyond all darkness; there is no other way." (CW
1.124, 128)

MAYA AND FREEDOM
Let us not be caught this time. So many times Maya has caught us, so
many times have we exchanged our freedom for sugar dolls which melted
when the water touched them.
Don’t be deceived. Maya is a great cheat. Get out. Do not let her catch
you this time. Do not sell your priceless heritage for such delusions. Arise,
awake, stop not till the goal is reached.
Hold your money merely as a custodian for what is God’s. Have no
attachment for it. Let name and fame and money go; they are a terrible
bondage. Feel the wonderful atmosphere of freedom. You are free, free, free!
Oh blessed am I! Freedom am I! I am the Infinite! In my soul I can find no
beginning and no end. All is my Self. Say this unceasingly.
(Reminiscences of Swami Vivekananda, p 185, 180)
SLEEP NO MORE
My ideal indeed can be put into a few words and that is: to preach unto
mankind their divinity, and how to make it manifest in every movement of life.
One idea that I see clear as daylight is that misery is caused by
ignorance and nothing else. Who will give the world light? Sacrifice in the past
has been the Law, it will be, alas, for ages to come. The earth's bravest and
best will have to sacrifice themselves for the good of many, for the welfare of
all. Buddhas by the hundred are necessary with eternal love and pity.

Religions of the world have become lifeless mockeries. What the world
wants is character. The world is in need of those whose life is one burning
love, selfless. That love will make every word tell like thunderbolt.
Bold words and bolder deeds are what we want. Awake, awake, great
ones! The world is burning with misery. Can you sleep? (CW 7. 498)

YOU CAN WIN
By

Shiv Khera

Courtesy:
Shahid Riaz
Islamabad – Pakistan

shahid.riaz@gmail.com
http://esnips.com/UserProfileAction.ns?id=ebdaae62-b650-4f30-99a4-376c0a084226

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera

Winners don't do different things. They do things differently.
CONTENTS
Chapter 1

IMPORTANCE OF ATTITUDE

Building a positive attitude
Chapter 2

SUCCESS

Winning strategies
Chapter 3

MOTIVATION
Motivating yourself and others every day

Chapter 4

SELF-ESTEEM

Building positive self-esteem and image
Chapter 5

INTERPERSONAL SKILLS

Building a pleasing personality
Chapter 6

SUBCONSCIOUS MIND AND HABITS

Forming positive habits and character
Chapter 7

GOAL-SETTING

Setting and achieving your goals
Chapter 8

VALUES AND VISION 223

Doing the right thing for the right reason

2

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera

3

CHAPTER 1
IMPORTANCE OF ATTITUDE
Building a positive attitude
There was a man who made a living selling balloons at a fair. He had all colors of
balloons, including red, yellow, blue, and green. Whenever business was slow, he
would release a helium-filled balloon into the air and when the children saw it go up,
they all wanted to buy one. They would come up to him, buy a balloon, and his sales
would go up again. He continued this process all day. One day, he felt someone tugging
at his jacket. He turned around and saw a little boy who asked, "If you release a black
balloon, would that also fly?" Moved by the boy's concern, the man replied with
empathy, "Son, it is not the color of the balloon, it is what is inside that makes it go up."
The same thing applies to our lives. It is what is inside that counts. The thing inside of
us that makes us go up is our attitude.
Have you ever wondered why some individuals, organizations, or countries are more
successful than others?
It is not a secret. These people simply think and act more effectively. They have learned
how to do so by investing in the most valuable asset--people. I believe that the success
of an individual, organization or country, depends on the quality of their people.
I have spoken to executives in major corporations all over the world and asked one
question: "If you had a magic wand and there was one thing you would want changed,
that would give you a cutting edge in the marketplace resulting in increased productivity
and profits, what would that be?" The answer was unanimous. They all said that if
people had better attitudes, they'd be better team players, and it'd cut down waste,
improve loyalty and, in general, make their company a great place to work.
William James of Harvard University said, "The greatest discovery of my generation is
that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind."
Experience has shown that human resources is the most valuable asset of any
business. It is more valuable than capital or equipment. Unfortunately, it is also the most
wasted. People can be your biggest asset or your biggest liability.
TQP--TOTAL QUALITY PEOPLE
Having been exposed to a number of training programs, such as customer service,
selling skills, and strategic planning, I have come to the conclusion that all these are
great programs with one major challenge: None of them works unless they have the
right foundation, and the right foundation is TQP. What is TQP? TQP is Total Quality
People-- people with character, integrity, good values, and a positive attitude.
Don't get me wrong. You do need all the other programs, but they will only work when
you have the right foundation, and the foundation is TQP. For example, some customer
service programs teach participants to say "please," and "thank-you," give smiles and
handshakes. But how long can a person keep on a fake smile if he does not have the
desire to serve? Besides, people can see through him. And if the smile is not sincere, it
is irritating. My point is, there has to be substance over form, not form over substance.
Without a doubt, one does need to remember "please" and
"thank-you," the smiles, etc.--they are very important. But keep in mind that they come a
lot easier when accompanied by a desire to serve.

4
Someone once approached Blaise Pascal, the famous French philosopher and said, "If
I had your brains, I would be a better person." Pascal replied, "Be a better person and
you will have my brains."
The Calgary Tower stands at 190.8 meters. The total weight of the tower is 10,884 tons,
of which 6,349 tons is below ground (approximately 60%). This shows that some of the
greatest buildings have the strongest foundations. Just like a great building stands on a
strong foundation, so does success. And the foundation of success is attitude.
“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera

YOUR ATTITUDE CONTRIBUTES TO SUCCESS
A study attributed to Harvard University found that when a person gets a job, 85% of the
time it is because of their attitude, and only 15% of the time because of how smart they
are and how many facts and figures they know. Surprisingly, almost 100% of education
dollars go to teach facts and figures which account for only 15% of success in work!
This book is all about that 85% of success. Attitude is the most important word in the
English language. It applies to every sphere of life, including one's personal and
professional life. Can an executive be a good executive without a good attitude? Can a
student be a good student without a good attitude? Can a parent, teacher, salesman,
employer, employee be good in their roles without a good attitude?
The foundation of success regardless of your chosen field, is attitude.
If attitude is such a critical factor in success, shouldn't you examine your attitude toward
life and ask how your attitude will affect your goals?
ACRES OF DIAMONDS
There was a farmer in Africa who was happy and content. He was happy because he
was content. He was content because he was happy. One day a wise man came to him
and told him about the glory of diamonds and the power that goes along with them. The
wise man said, "If you had a diamond the size of your thumb, you could have your own
city. If you had a diamond the size of your fist, you could probably own your own
country." And then he went away. That night the farmer couldn't sleep. He was unhappy
and he was discontent. He was unhappy because he was discontent and discontent
because he was unhappy.
The next morning he made arrangements to sell off his farm, took care of his family and
went in search of diamonds. He looked all over Africa and couldn't find any. He looked
all through Europe and couldn't find any. When he got to Spain, he was emotionally,
physically and financially broke. He got so disheartened that he threw himself into the
Barcelona River and committed suicide.
Back home, the person who had bought his farm was watering the camels at a stream
that ran through the farm. Across the stream, the rays of the morning sun hit a stone
and made it sparkle like a rainbow. He thought it would look good on the mantle piece.
He picked up the stone and put it in the living room. That afternoon the wise man came
and saw the stone sparkling. He asked, "Is Hafiz back?" The new owner said, "No, why
do you ask?" The wise man said, "Because that is a diamond. I recognize one when I
see one." The man said, no, that's just a stone I picked up from the stream. Come, I'll
show you. There are many more." They went and picked some samples and sent them
for analysis. Sure enough, the stones were diamonds. They found that the farm was
indeed covered with acres and acres of diamonds.*

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera

5

What is the moral of this story?
There are five morals:
.1 When our attitude is right, we realize that we are all walking on acres and
acres of diamonds.
0•Attributed to Dr Russel Conwell .
0•Opportunity is always under our feet. We don't have to go anywhere. All we need to
do is recognize it.
2. The grass on the other side always looks greener.
.3 While we are dyeing the grass on the other side, there are others who are
dyeing the grass on our side. They would be happy to trade places with us.
.4 When people don't know how to recognize opportunity, they complain of
noise when it knocks.
.5 The same opportunity never knocks twice. The next one may be better or
worse, but it is never the same one.
DAVID AND GOLIATH
We all know the story of David and Goliath. There was a giant who was bullying and
harassing the children in the village. One day, a 17-year-old shepherd boy came to visit
his brothers and asked, "Why don't you stand up and fight the giant?" The brothers
were terrified and they replied, "Don't you see he is too big to hit?" But David said, "No,
he is not too big to hit, he is too big to miss." The rest is history. We all know what
happened. David killed the giant with a sling. Same giant, different perception.
Our attitude determines how we look at a setback. To a positive thinker, it can be a
stepping stone to success. To a negative thinker, it can be a stumbling block.
Great organizations are not measured by wages and working conditions, they are
measured by feelings, attitudes and relationships.
When employees say, "I can't do it," there are two possible meanings. Are they saying
they don't know how to or they don't want to? If they don't know how to, that is a training
issue. If they are saying they don't want to,
it may be an attitude issue (they don't care) or a values issue (they believe they should
not do it).
A HOLISTIC APPROACH
I believe in the holistic approach. We are not an arm and a leg, but a complete human
being. The whole person goes to work and the whole person comes home.
We take family problems to work and work problems to the family. What happens when
we take family problems to work? Our stress level goes up and productivity comes
down. Similarly, work and social problems have an impact on every aspect of our lives.
Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply
it to your family life or your work or your government or your world and it holds true and
clear and firm.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera

6

FACTORS THAT DETERMINE OUR ATTITUDE
Are we born with attitudes or do we develop them as we mature? What are the factors
that form our attitudes?
If you have a negative outlook on life because of your environment, can you change
your attitude? Most of our attitude is shaped during our formative years.
There are primarily three factors that determine our attitude. They are:
1. environment
2. experience
3. education
These are called the triple Es of attitude. Let's evaluate each of the factors individually.
1. Environment
Environment consists of the following:
0♦Home: positive or negative influences
0♦School: peer pressure
0♦Work: supportive or over critical supervisor
0♦Media: television, newspapers, magazines, radio, movies
0♦Cultural background
0♦Religious background
0♦Traditions and beliefs
0♦Social environment
0♦Political environment
All of these environments create a culture. Every place be it a home, organization or a
country has a culture.
Have you noticed that sometimes you go to a store and you find the salesperson polite,
the supervisor, manager and owner polite as well? Yet you go to another shop and you
find everyone rude and discourteous.
You go to a home and you find the kids and parents well-behaved, courteous and
considerate. You go to another home where everyone is fighting like cats and dogs.
In countries where the government and political environment is honest, generally you
will find that the people are honest, law abiding and helpful. And the reverse is true too.
In a corrupt environment, an honest person has a tough time. Whereas in an honest
environment, the corrupt one has a tough time.
In a positive environment, a marginal performer's output goes up. In a negative
environment, a good performer's output goes down.
Culture in any place always goes top down, never bottom up. We need to step back and
look at what kind of environment we have created for ourselves and those around us. It
is tough to expect positive behavior in a negative environment. Where lawlessness
becomes the law, honest citizens become cheats, crooks and thieves.
Isn't it time to evaluate the environment that we are in or we have created for others?

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera

7

2. Experiences
Our behavior changes according to our experiences with people and events in our life. If
we have a positive experience with a person, our attitude toward him becomes positive
and vice versa.
3. Education
I refer to both formal and informal education, not just academic qualifications.
Knowledge strategically applied translates into wisdom, ensuring success. I talk of
education in the broader sense. It makes the role of the ; educator vital. A teacher
affects eternity. The ripple effect is immeasurable.
We are drowning in information but starving for knowledge and wisdom. Education
ought to teach us not only how to make a living but also how to live.
HOW DO YOU RECOGNIZE PEOPLE WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE?
Just like an absence of ill health does not equal good health, an absence of negativity
alone does not make a person positive.
People with positive attitudes have certain personality traits that are easy to recognize.
They are caring, confident, patient, and humble. They have high expectations of
themselves and others. They anticipate positive outcomes. A person with a positive
attitude is like a fruit of all seasons. He is always welcome.
THE BENEFITS OF A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
These are many and easy to see. But what is easy to see is also easy to miss. To
mention a few, a positive attitude
0♦increases productivity
0♦fosters teamwork
0♦solves problems
0♦improves quality
0♦makes for congenial atmosphere
0♦breeds loyalty
0♦increases profits
0♦fosters better relationships with employers, employees, and customers
0♦reduces stress
0♦helps a person become a contributing member of society and an asset to their
country
0♦makes for a pleasing personality

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera

8

THE CONSEQUENCES OF A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE
Our life is an obstacle course and we become our own biggest obstacle by having a
negative attitude. People with a negative attitude have a hard time keeping friendships,
jobs, marriage and relationships. Their attitude leads to
0♦bitterness
0♦resentment
0♦a purposeless life
0♦ill health
0♦high stress level for themselves and others
They create a negative environment at home and work and become a liability to society.
They also pass on their negative behavior to others around them and to future
generations.
WHEN WE BECOME AWARE OF OUR NEGATIVE ATTITUDE, WHY DON'T WE
CHANGE?
Human nature generally resists change. Change is uncomfortable. Regardless of its
positive or negative effect, change can be stressful. Sometimes we get so comfortable
with our negativity that even when the change is for the positive, we don't want to
accept it. We stay with the negative.
Charles Dickens wrote about a prisoner who stayed for many years in a dungeon. After
serving his sentence, he got his freedom. He was brought out from his cell into the
bright daylight of the open world. This man looked all around and after a few moments
was so uncomfortable with his newly acquired freedom that he asked to be brought
back to his cell into confinement. To him, the dungeon, the chains and the darkness
were more secure and comfortable than accepting the change of freedom and the open
world.
STEPS TO BUILDING A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
During childhood, we form attitudes that last a lifetime. Undoubtedly, it would be a lot
easier and better to have acquired a positive attitude during our formative years. Does
that mean if we acquire a negative attitude, whether by design or by default, we are
stuck with it? Of course not. Can we change? Yes. Is it easy? Absolutely not.
How do you build and maintain a positive attitude?
0♦Become aware of the principles that build a positive attitude
0♦Desire to be positive
0♦Cultivate the discipline and dedication to practice those principles
As adults, regardless of our environment, education and experience, who is responsible
for our attitude?
We are. We have to accept responsibility some time in our lives. We blame everyone
and everything but ourselves. It is up to us to choose our attitude every morning. As
adults, we need to accept responsibility for our behavior and actions.
People with negative attitudes will blame the whole world, their parents, teachers,

spouse, the economy and the government for their failures.

9
You have to get away from the past. Dust yourself off, get back into the mainstream. Put
your dreams together and move forward. Thinking of the positive things that are true,
honest and good, will put us in a positive state of mind.
If we want to build and maintain a positive attitude, we need to consciously practice the
following steps:
“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera

Step 1: Change Focus, Look for the Positive
We need to become good finders. We need to focus on the positive in life. Let's start
looking for what is right in a person or situation instead of looking for what is wrong.
Because of our conditioning, we are so attuned to finding fault and looking for what is
wrong that we forget to see the positive picture.
Even in paradise, fault finders will find faults. Most people find what they are looking for.
If they are looking for friendship, happiness and the positive, that is what they get. If
they are looking for fights or indifference, then that is what they get. Caution looking for
the positive does not mean overlooking faults.
LOOKING FOR THE GOLD
As a young Scots boy, Andrew Carnegie came to America and started doing odd jobs.
He ended up as one of the largest steel manufacturers in the United States.
At one time he had 43 millionaires working for him. Several decades ago, a million
dollars used to be a lot of money; even today it is a lot of money. Someone asked Mr.
Carnegie how he dealt with people? Andrew Carnegie replied, "Dealing with people is
like digging gold: When you go digging for an ounce of gold, you have to move tons of
dirt to get an ounce of gold. But when you go digging, you don't go looking for the dirt,
you go looking for the gold."
What is your focus? Become a digger for gold. If you are looking for what is wrong with
people or with things, you will find many. What are you looking for? Andrew Carnegie's
reply has a very important message. There is something positive in every person and
every situation. Sometimes we have to dig deep to look for the positive because it may
not be apparent. Besides, we are so used to looking for what is wrong with other people
and situations, we forget to see what is right. Someone once said that even a stopped
clock is right twice a day.
Remember when you go looking for gold, you have to move tons of dirt to get to an
ounce of gold. But when you go looking, you don't go looking for the dirt, you go looking
for the gold.
Negative People will Always Criticize
Some people criticize no matter what. It does not matter which side you are on, they are
always on the other side. They have made a career out of criticizing. They are
"career critics." They criticize as if they will win a prize at a contest. They will find fault
with every person and every situation. You will find people like this in every home,
family, office. They go around finding fault and telling everybody how bad things are and
blaming the whole world for their problems. We have a name for these people. They are
called energy suckers. They will go to the cafeteria and drown themselves in 20 cups of
tea and coffee and smoke to their hearts' content with one excuse: they are trying to

relax. All that they are doing is causing more tension for themselves and for others
around them. They spread negative messages like a plague and create an environment
conducive to negative results.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 10

Robert Fulton invented the steamboat. On the banks of the Hudson River he was
displaying his new invention. The pessimists and the skeptics were gathered around to
observe. They commented that it would never start. Lo and behold, it did. As it made its
way down the river, the pessimists who said it would never go, started shouting that it
would never stop. What an attitude!
SOME PEOPLE ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE NEGATIVE
There was a hunter who bought a bird dog, the only one of its kind in the world. That
could walk on water . He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw this miracle. At the
same time, he was very pleased that he could show off his new acquisition to his
friends. He invited a friend to go duck hunting. After some time, they shot a few ducks
and the man ordered his dog to run and fetch the birds. All day-long, the dog ran on
water and kept fetching the birds. The owner was expecting a comment or a
compliment about his amazing dog, but never got one. As they were returning home, he
asked his friend if he had noticed anything unusual about his dog. The friend replied,
"Yes, in fact, I did notice something unusual. Your dog can't swim."
Some people always look at the negative side. Who is pessimist? Pessimists
0♦are unhappy when they have no troubles to speak
0♦feel bad when they feel good, for fear they will feel worse when they feel better
0♦spend most of their life at complaint counters
0♦always turn out the lights to see how dark it is
0♦are always looking for cracks in the mirror of life
0♦stop sleeping in bed when they hear that more people die in bed than anywhere else
0♦cannot enjoy their health because they think they may be sick tomorrow
0♦not only expect the worst but make the worst of whatever happens
0♦don't see the doughnut, only the hole
0♦believe that the sun shines only to cast shadows
0♦forget their blessings and count their troubles
0♦know that hard work never hurts anyone but believe "why take a chance?"
Who is an optimist? It is well described by the following:
Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
Make all your friends feel there is something in them.
Look at the sunny side of everything.
Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best.
Be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 11

Give everyone a smile.
Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others.
Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.*
Step 2: Make a Habit of Doing It Now
We have all procrastinated at some time in our lives. I know I have, only to have
regretted it later. Procrastination leads to a negative attitude. The habit of
procrastination fatigues you more than the effort it takes to do it.
A completed task is fulfilling and energizing; an incomplete task drains energy like a
leak from a tank.
If you want to build and maintain a positive attitude, get into the habit of living in the
present and doing it now.
He slept beneath the moon He
basked beneath the sun He
lived a life of going to do and
died with nothing done.

--James Albery
When I Become a Big Boy
This is like the little boy who says when I become a big boy, I will do this and this and I
will be happy. And when he becomes a big boy he says, when I finish college and do
this and this and I will be happy. And when he finishes college he says when I get my
first job and do this and this I will be happy. And when he gets his first job he says when
I get married and do this and this and then I will be happy. And when he gets married he
says when the kids get out of school and I do this and this I will be I happy. And when
the kids get out of school, he says when I retire and do this and this, I will be happy. And
when he retires what does he see? He sees life has just gone by in front of his eyes.
* "Creed for Optimists" by Christian D. Larsen, in The Best of ... Bits Pieces,
Economics Press, Fairfield, NJ, 1994, p. 3.
Some people practice procrastination by hiding behind high sounding words, saying "I'm
analyzing" and six months later they are still analyzing. What they don't realize is that
they are suffering from a disease called, "Paralysis of Analysis" and they will never
succeed.
Then there is another breed of people who procrastinate by saying "I'm getting ready"
and a month later they are still getting ready and six months later they are still getting
ready. What they don't realize is they are suffering from a disease called
"Excusitis." They keep making excuses.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. I don't care what philosophy you believe in--we have got

only one shot at this game called life. The stakes are too high. The stakes are the future
generations.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 12

What time is it and where are we? The answer is now and we are here. Let's make the
best of now and utilize the present to the fullest. The message is not that we don't need
to plan for the future. The message is that we do need to plan for the future. If we utilize
our present to its fullest, we are sowing the seeds for a better future automatically, aren't
we?
If you want to build a positive attitude, learn the phrase, "do it now" and stop the habit of
procrastination.
The saddest words in life are:
0♦"It might have been."
0♦"I should have."
0♦"I could have."
0♦"I wish I had."
0♦"If only I had given a little extra."
Never leave till tomorrow which you can do today.
--Benjamin Franklin
I am sure all winners wanted to be procrastinators but never got around to it.
When people say, "I will do it one of these days," you can be sure it means none of
these days.
Some people keep waiting for all lights to turn green before they leave home. That will
never happen and they fail even before they start. That is sad.
Stop procrastinating: Isn't it time that we put off putting things off?
Step 3: Develop an Attitude of Gratitude
Count your blessings, not your troubles. Take time to smell the roses. It is not
uncommon to hear that someone, because of an accident or illness, became blind or
paralyzed but won a million dollars in settlement. How many of us would like to trade
places with that person? Not many. We are so focused on complaining about things we
don't have that we lose sight of the things we have. There is a lot to be thankful for.
When I say count your blessings, not your troubles, the message is not to become
complacent. If complacence was the message you got, then I would be guilty of faulty
communication and you of selective listening.
To give you an example of selective listening, let me share with you a story I heard
about a medical doctor who was invited as a guest speaker to address a group of
alcoholics. He wanted to make a demonstration that would be powerful enough to make
people realize that alcohol was injurious to their health. He had two containers, one with
pure distilled water and one with pure alcohol. He put an earthworm into the distilled
water and it swam beautifully and came up to the top. He put another earthworm into
the alcohol and it disintegrated in front of everyone's eyes. He wanted to prove that this
was what alcohol did to the insides of our body. He asked the group what the moral of
the story was and one person from behind said, "If you drink alcohol you won't have
worms in your stomach." Was that the message? Of course not. That was selective
listening--we hear what we want to hear and not what is being said.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 13

Many of our blessings are hidden treasures--count your blessings and not your
troubles.
Step 4: Get into a Continuous Education Program
Let's get some myths out of the way. It is a general belief that we get educated in
schools and colleges. I run seminars in many different countries and ask my audiences
all the time, "Do we really get educated in schools and colleges?" Generally, there is a
consensus that some do but most don't. We receive a lot of information in schools and
colleges. Don't get me wrong. We do need information to be educated. But we need to
know the true meaning of education.
Intellectual education influences the head and values based education influences the
heart. In fact, education that does not train the heart can be dangerous. If we want to
build character in our offices, homes and society, we must achieve a minimum level of
moral and ethical literacy. Education that builds fundamental traits of character-- such as
honesty, compassion, courage, persistence and responsibility--is absolutely essential.
We don't need more academic education; we need more values education. I would
stress that a person who is morally educated will be a lot better equipped to move up in
life or succeed than a morally bankrupt person with excellent academic qualifications.
Character building and teaching values and ethics come in the formative years because
a child is not born with this knowledge.
Education Without Values
True education is training of both the head and the heart. An uneducated thief may steal
from the freight car but an educated one may steal the entire railroad.
Universities are turning out highly skilled barbarians because we don't provide a
framework of values to young people, who more and more are searching for it.
--Steven Muller, President, Johns Hopkins University
We need to compete for knowledge and wisdom, not for grades. Knowledge is piling up
facts, wisdom is simplifying it. One could have good grades and a degree without
learning much. The most important thing one can learn is to "learn to learn." People
confuse education with the ability to memorize facts. Education of the mind without
morals creates a menace to society.
EDUCATION DOES NOT MEAN GOOD JUDGEMENT
There is a story about a man who sold hot dogs by the roadside. He was illiterate, so he
never read newspapers . He was hard of hearing, so he never listened to the radio. His
eyes were weak, so he never watched television. But enthusiastically, he sold lots of hot
dogs. His sales and profit went up. He ordered more meat and got himself a bigger and
a better stove. As his business was growing, the son, who had recently graduated from
college, joined his father.
Then something strange happened. The son asked, "Dad, aren't you aware of the great
recession that is coming our way?" The father replied, "No, but tell me about it." The
son said, "The international situation is terrible. The domestic is even worse.

We should be prepared for the coming bad time." The man thought that since his son
had been to college, read the papers, and listened to the radio, he ought to know

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 14

and his advice should not be taken lightly. So the next day, the father cut down his order
for the meat and buns, took down the sign and was no longer enthusiastic. Very soon,
fewer and fewer people bothered to stop at his hot dog stand. And his sales started
coming down rapidly. The father said to his son, "Son, you were right. We are in the
middle of a recession. I am glad you warned me ahead of time."
What is the moral of the story?
.1 Many times we confuse intelligence with good judgment.
.2 A person may have high intelligence but poor judgment.
.3 Choose your advisers carefully and use your judgment.
.4 A person can and will be successful with or without formal education if they
have the
5 Cs:
0♦character
commitment
conviction
courtesy
courage

.5 The tragedy is that there are many walking encyclopedias who are
living failures.
Intelligence is quickness to leam. Ability is the skill to apply what is learned.
Competence is the ability and the desire to apply what is learned. Desire is the attitude
that makes a skillful person competent. Many skillful people are incompetent. Ability
without the right attitude is wasted.
The first duty of a university is to teach wisdom, not trade; character, not technicalities.
--Winston Churchill
Educated
Whom, then, do I call educated?
First, those who manage well the circumstances which they encounter day by day; and
those who can judge situations appropriately as they arise and rarely miss the suitable
course of action.
Next, those who are honorable in their dealings with all men, bearing easily what is
unpleasant or offensive in others, and being as reasonable with their associates as is
humanly possible.
Furthermore, those who hold their pleasures always under control and are not unduly
overcome by their misfortunes, bearing up under them bravely and in a manner worthy
of our common nature.
Most important of all, those who are not spoiled by their successes, who do not desert

their true selves, but hold their ground steadfastly as wise and sober-minded men,
rejoicing no more in the good things that have come to them through chance than in
those which through their own nature and intelligence are theirs since birth.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 15

Those who have a character which is in accord, not with one of these things, but with all
of them these are educated--possessed of all the virtues.
--Socrates (47~399 B.C.)
In a nutshell, educated persons are those who can choose wisely and courageously
under any circumstances. If they have the ability to choose between wisdom and
foolishness, between good and bad, between virtuousness and vulgarities, regardless
of the academic degrees they have, then they are educated.
An expert is someone who knows all the answers if you ask the right questions.
What is a Broad-Based Education?
, Some animals in a forest decided to start a school. The students included a bird, a
squirrel, a fish, a dog , a rabbit & a mentally retarded eel. A board was formed and it
was decided that flying, tree climbing, swimming, and burrowing would be part of the
curriculum in order to give a broad-based education. All animals were required to take
all subjects.
The bird was excellent at flying and was getting A's but when it came to burrowing, it
kept breaking its beak and wings and started failing. Pretty soon, it started making C's
in flying and of course in tree climbing and swimming it was getting F's. The squirrel
was great at tree climbing and was getting A's, but was failing in swimming. The fish
was the best swimmer but couldn't get out of the water and got F's in everything else.
The dog didn't join the school, stopped paying taxes and kept fighting with the
administration to include barking as part of the curriculum. The rabbit got A's in
burrowing but tree climbing was a real problem. It kept falling and landing on its head,
suffered brain damage, and soon couldn't even burrow properly and got C's in that too.
The mentally retarded eel, who did everything half as well became the valedictorian of
the class. The board was happy because everybody was getting a broad-based
education.
What a broad-based education really means is that the student is prepared for life,
without losing their areas of specialization or competence.
We are All Gifted with Some Strengths
The small size of the hummingbird, weighing only a tenth of an ounce, gives it the
flexibility to perform complicated maneuvers, such as beating its wings 75 times a
second. This enables the hummingbird to drink nectar from flowers while hovering but it
cannot soar, glide or hop. The ostrich, at 300 pounds, is the largest bird but it can't fly.
However, its legs are so strong that it can run at up to 50 miles per hour, taking strides
of 12--15 feet.
Ignorance

Illusion of knowledge is not education, but ignorance. Foolish people have a strange
kind of confidence which comes only with ignorance.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 16

Being ignorant is not so much a shame as being unwilling to learn to do things the right
way.
--Benjamin Franklin
There is nothing wrong with ignorance, but making a career out of it is stupidity. Some
people accumulate ignorance and they confuse it with education. Ignorance is not bliss.
It is misery, tragedy, poverty, and sickness. If ignorance were bliss, how come not more
people are happy? If a little knowledge is dangerous, so is a lot of ignorance which
leads to pettiness, fear, dogmatism, egotism, and prejudice. Wisdom is nothing more
than dispelling ignorance.
We live in an information age. It is estimated that the amount of knowledge is doubling
every year. With information so readily available, it is easy to dispel ignorance. It is sad
to see that we are taught everything but the most essential things. We are taught the
three R's (reading, writing, arithmetic), but what good is intellectual education without
understanding human dignity and compassion?
Schools are a fountain of knowledge: some students come to drink , some to sip and
others just to gargle.
Common sense
Education and knowledge without common sense has little meaning. Common sense is
the ability to see things as they are and do them as they ought to be done.
We are born with five senses touch, taste, sight, smell, and hearing. But successful
people have a sixth sense common sense. Common sense is gained in spite of, not
necessarily as a result of, education. The best education without common sense is
worthless. An abundance of common sense is called wisdom.
SHARPEN YOUR AXE
Jo John, a woodcutter, worked for a company for five years but never got a raise. The
company hired Bill and within a year he got a raise. This caused resentment in John
and he went to his boss to talk about it. The boss said, "You are still cutting the same
number of trees you were cutting five years ago. We are a result-oriented company and
would be happy to give you a raise if your productivity goes up." John went back,
started hitting harder and putting in longer hours but he still wasn't able to cut more
trees. He went back to his boss and told him his dilemma. The boss told
John to go talk to Bill. "Maybe there is something Bill knows that you and l don't." John
asked Bill how he managed to cut more trees. Bill answered, "After every tree l cut, l
take a break for two minutes and sharpen my axe. When was the last time you
sharpened your axe?" This question hit home like a bullet and John got his answer.
My question is, when was the last time you sharpened your axe? Past glory and
education don't do it. We have to continuously sharpen the axe.
Feed Your Mind
Just like our bodies need good food every day, our minds need good thoughts every

day. The key words in the preceding sentence are good food and good thoughts. If we
feed our body with junk food and our mind with bad thoughts, we will have both a

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 17

sick body and mind. We need to feed our mind with the pure and the positive to stay on
track. Through constant practice and exposure, we can learn the principles that make a
person successful just like we learn to play basketball.
Knowledge is Power
We hear every day that knowledge is power. Not really. Knowledge is information. It is
potential power and it becomes power only when it is acted upon.
What is the difference between a person who cannot read and a person who can but
does not read? Not a whole lot.
Learning is like eating food. It is not how much you eat that matters, what counts is how
much you digest.
Knowledge is potential power, wisdom is real power.
Education takes many forms, it is not just grades and a degree. It is

0♦cultivating your strength
0♦learning self-discipline
0♦listening
0♦desiring to learn
Our minds, like muscles, stretch or shrink depending on how much or how little we
exercise them.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
--Derek Bok
Continuous positive education leads to positive thinking.
Education is a Reservoir
Positive thinkers are like athletes who, through practice, build an inner reservoir of
stamina that they draw on in competition. If they don't practice, they have nothing to
draw on.
Similarly, positive thinkers regularly build a reserve of positive attitude by constantly
feeding their mind on the pure, the powerful and the positive on a daily basis. They
realize that we are all going to be faced with the negative and if we have the reserve of
positive attitude we will be able to overcome; otherwise the negative will prevail.
Positive thinkers are not fools and they are not going through life with blinders. They are
winners who recognize their limitations, but focus on their strengths. Losers, on the
other hand, recognize their strengths but focus on their weaknesses.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 18

Step 5: Build a Positive Self-Esteem
What is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is the way we feel about ourselves. When we feel good within, our
performance goes up, our relationships improve both at home and at work. The world
looks nicer. What is the reason? There is a direct correlation between feeling and
behavior.
How Do We Build Positive Self-Esteem?
If you want to build positive self-esteem quickly, one of the fastest ways is to do
something for others who cannot repay you in cash or kind.
A few years ago l started volunteering my time to teach attitude and self-esteem
programs to jail inmates. In just a few weeks, I learned more than l had learned in years
.
After attending my program for two weeks ;one of the inmates stopped me and said,
"Shiv, l want to talk to you. I'm going to be released from prison in a couple of weeks." l
asked him what he learned through the attitude development program. He thought for a
while and then said that he felt good about himself. l said, "Good doesn't tell me
anything. Tell me specifically what behavior has changed?" l believe that learning has
not taken place unless behavior changes. He told me he read his Bible every day since
l started the program. l then asked him what reading the Bible did to him. He replied
that he felt comfortable with himself and others which he hadn't felt before. l said, "That
is nice, but the bottom line is, what are you going to do when you leave jail?" He told me
he was going to try to be a contributing member of society. Then l asked him the same
question again and he gave me the same answer. For the third time l asked him the
same question What are you going to do when you leave jail?" Obviously, l was looking
for a different answer. At this point, in an angry tone, he said, l am going to be a
contributing member of society." l pointed out to him that there was a world of difference
in what he said then and what he said now. Earlier he had said, l am going to try to be"
and now he said "I am going to be." The difference is the word "try." He got rid of the
word trying and that made sense. Either we do it or we don't. The word "trying" keeps
the door open for him to come back to jail.
Another inmate, who was listening in on our conversation, asked, "Shiv, what do you get
paid to do all this?" l told him that the feeling that l just experienced was worth more than all
the money in the world. He then asked, "Why do you come here?" l said, l come here for
my own selfish reason, and my selfish reason is that l want to make this world a better
place to live." This kind of selfishness is healthy. In a nutshell, what you put into the system,
you always get back, and most times more than you can ever put in. But you don't put it in
with the desire to get something back.

Another inmate said, "What anybody does is their business. When people take drugs, it
is none of your business. Why don't you leave them alone?" l replied, "My friend, even
though l disapprove, l will compromise and accept what you are saying that it is none of
my business. If you can guarantee that when someone takes drugs, and when they get
behind the wheel of a car and have an accident, the only thing they will ever hit is a
tree, l will compromise. But if you cannot guarantee that when they take drugs and have
an accident, then you or your kids or l or my kids could be dead under the wheels, you

better believe it is my business. l have to get this person off the road."

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 19

This one phrase, "It is my life, I will do what I want," has done more damage than good.
People choose to ignore the spirit and derive the meaning that is convenient to them.
Such people have tied this phrase to selfishness and I'm sure that was not the intent.
These people forget that we don't live in isolation. What you do affects me and what I do
affects you. We are connected. We have to realize that we are sharing this planet and
we must learn to behave responsibly.
There are two kinds of people in this world--takers and givers. Takers eat well and
givers sleep well. Givers have high self-esteem, a positive attitude, and they serve
society. By serving society, I do not mean a run-of-the-mill pseudo leader-turnedpolitician who serves himself by pretending to serve others.
As human beings, we all have the need to receive and take. But a healthy personality
with high self-esteem is one that not only has its need to take but also to give.
A man was washing his new car when his neighbor asked him, "When did you get the
car?" He replied "My brother gave it to me." The neighbor's response was, "I wish l had
a car like that." The man replied, "You should wish to have a brother like that." The
neighbor's wife was listening to the conversation and she interrupted, "I wish I was a
brother like that." What a way to go!
Step 6: Stay Away from Negative Influences
Today's teenagers learn from adult behavior and the media. They face peer pressure.
Peer pressure is not just limited to teenagers, it is also prevalent in adults. It shows a
lack of self-esteem when people do not have the courage to say "No, thank you," and
stay away from negative influences: What are the negative influences?
1. Negative People
An eagle's egg was placed in the nest of a prairie chicken. The egg hatched and the
little eagle grew up thinking it was a prairie chicken. The eagle did what the prairie
chickens did. It scratched in the dirt for seeds. It clucked and cackled. It never flew
more than a few feet because that is what the prairie chickens did. One day he saw an
eagle flying gracefully and majestically in the open sky. He asked the prairie chickens:
"What is that beautiful bird?" The chickens replied, "That is an eagle. He is an
outstanding bird, but you cannot fly like him because you are just a prairie chicken." So
the eagle never gave it a second thought, believing that to be the truth.
He lived the life of and died a prairie chicken, depriving himself of his heritage because
of his lack of vision. What a waste! He was born to win, but was conditioned to lose.
The same thing is true of most people. The unfortunate part of life is as Oliver
Wendall Holmes said, "Most people go to their graves, with music still in them." We
don't achieve excellence because of our own lack of vision.
If you want to soar like an eagle, you have to learn the ways of an eagle. If you
associate with achievers, you will become one. If you associate with thinkers, you will
become one. If you associate with givers, you will become one. If you associate with
complainers, you will become one.
Whenever people succeed in life, petty people will take cracks at them and try to pull
them down. When you refuse to fight petty people, you win. In martial arts, they teach
that when someone takes a crack at you, instead of blocking you should step away.
Why? Even to block you require energy. Why not use it more productively?

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 20

Similarly, in order to fight petty people, you have to come down to their level. This is
what they want, because now you are one of them.
Don't let negative people drag you down.
Remember, a person's character is not only judged by the company he or she keeps but
also by the company he or she avoids.
2. Smoking, Drugs and Alcohol
One reason that I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
--Lady Astor
Drinking makes a person lose his inhibitions and give exhibitions.
In my travels, I have noticed that in some countries drinking has become a national
pastime. If you don't drink, they look at you as if there is something wrong. Their motto
is: "It doesn't matter how bad your English is, as long as your Scotch is good." If a
banker asked them what their liquid assets are, they would bring two bottles of
Scotch.
Drinking and smoking are glamorized today. It all starts with the first time. If you ask
people why they consume alcohol or take drugs, they will give you a host of reasons,
such as: to celebrate; to have fun; to forget problems; to relax; to experiment; to impress
(it is cool to drink); to be fashionable; to mingle; for business purposes.
People want to conform to peer pressure. I am amazed at the way peer pressure
compels with phrases such as: "Aren't you my friend?"; "One for the road"; "One for my
health."
The following poem from an unknown author explains the dilemma of a social drinker
well
I've drunk to your
Health in taverns,
I've drunk to your
Health in my home,
I've drunk to your
Health so damn
many times,
That I've almost
ruined my own!

Drinking and driving cost lives. According to Jerry Johnson,* the American Hospital
Association reports that half of all hospital admissions are alcohol-related and

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 21

according to the National Safety Council's 1989 Accident Facts Edition, a person is
injured in an alcohol-related crash every 60 seconds.
3. Pornography
Pornography is nothing short of dehumanizing women and children.
The consequences of pornography are that it
0♦dehumanizes women
0♦victimizes children
0♦destroys marriages
0♦encourages sexual violence
0♦makes fun of ethical and moral values
0♦destroys individuals, families, and communities
A woman is raped in the United States every 46 seconds. (National Victim Center/crime
Victims Research and Treatment Center, 1992). Eighty-six percent of rapists admit to
regular use of pornography, with 57 percent admitting imitation of pornography scenes
when committing sex crimes (Dr. William Marshall, 1988).* *
It is sad to see how low some people will stoop to make a buck by making pornography
their business. What about the sick people who buy it?
0*''In his book It's Killing Our Kids, Word Publishing, p. xv.
0**From the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families, Annual
Report,
1995.
4. Negative Movies and Television Programs
Today's kids are learning their attitudes and values more from television and movies
than from anywhere else. It is estimated that in the United States, by the time a
youngster gets out of high school, he has watched more than 20,000 hours of television,
witnessed 15,000 murders, and watched 100,000 alcohol-related commercials.*
They convey the message that drinking is fun, smoking is glamorous, and drugs are the
"in" thing. No wonder the crime rate is so high!
Soap operas glamorize premarital and extramarital sex. No wonder commitments are
lacking in relationships and divorce rates are high. Impressionable viewers set their
standards and benchmarks based on what they see and hear in the media. And no
matter who it is, we are all impressionable to varying degrees.
5. Profanity
Using profanities show a lack of self-control and discipline.
6. Rock Music
The lyrics of some hit songs are obscene. We can be subconsciously influenced by the
music we hear and the performance we watch.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 22

Step 7: Learn to Like the Things That Need to be Done
Some things need to be done whether we like them or not; for example, mothers caring
for their young. They may not be fun and games, and may even be painful. But if we
learn to like the task, the impossible becomes possible.
Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the
impossible.
--St. Francis of Assisi
Step 8: Start Your Day with a Positive
Read or listen to something positive first thing in the morning. After a good night's sleep
we are relaxed and our subconscious is receptive. It sets the tone for the day, and puts
us in the right frame of mind to make every day a positive day. In order to bring about
change, we
need to make a conscious effort Andre committed to make positive thoughts and
behavior part of our lives. Practice having positive thoughts and behavior daily until they
become a habit.
William James of Harvard University said, "If you are going to change your life, you
need to start immediately and do it flamboyantly."
* As mentioned in Jerry Johnson's book It's Killing Our Kids, p. xvi.
WINNERS VERSUS LOSERS
0♦The Winner is always part of the answer;
The Loser is always part of the problem.
0♦The Winner always has a program;
The Loser always has an excuse.

0♦The Winner says, "Let me do it for you";
The Loser says, "That is not my job."
0♦The Winner sees an answer for every problem;
The Loser sees a problem for every answer.
0♦The Winner says, "It may be difficult but it is possible";
The Loser says, "It may be possible but it is too difficult."

0♦When a Winner makes a mistake, he says, "I was wrong";

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 23

When a Loser makes a mistake, he says, "It wasn't my fault."
0♦A Winner makes commitments; A
Loser makes promises.

0♦Winners have dreams;
Losers have schemes.
0♦Winners say, "I must do something"; Losers
say, "Something must be done."
0♦Winners are a part of the team;
Losers are apart from the team.
0♦Winners see the gain;
Losers see the pain.

0♦Winners

see

possibilities;

Losers see problems.
0♦Winners believe in win-win;
Losers believe for them to win someone has to lose.
0♦Winners see the potential;
Losers see the past.
0♦Winners are like a thermostat;
Losers are like thermometers.
0♦Winners choose what they say;
Losers say what they choose.

0♦Winners use hard arguments but soft words;
Losers use soft arguments but hard words.

0♦Winners stand firm on values but compromise on petty things;

Losers stand firm on petty things but compromise on values.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 24

♦ Winners follow the philosophy of empathy: "Don't do to others what you would not want
them to do to you";
Losers follow the philosophy, "Do it to others before they do it to you."
0♦Winners make it happen;
Losers let it happen.
0♦Winners plan and prepare to win. The
key word is preparation.

BE A WINNER--ACTION STEPS
Let me close this chapter with the eight action steps discussed earlier:
1. Be a good finder.
2. Make a habit of doing it now.
3. Develop an attitude of gratitude.
4. Get into a continuous education program.
5. Build positive self-esteem.
6. Stay away from negative influences.
7. Learn to like the things that need to be done.
8. Start your day with a positive.
ACTION PLAN :
.1 Write these action steps down on a 3-by-5 index card and read them every
day for the next 21 days.
For the next 30 minutes, answer the following questions.
.2 How can you use each step
0¾at home?
0¾at work?
0¾socially?
.3 Make a list of the things you would like to change about yourself.
.4 Then list the benefits to you (and others) of each change.

.5 Finally establish a timetable and commit yourself to make the
changes.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 25

CHAPTER 2
SUCCESS
Wining Strategies
Success is not an accident. It is the result of our attitude and our attitude is a choice.
Hence success is a matter of choice and not chance.
Most crackpots keep waiting for a jackpot. But can that bring success?
A priest was driving by and saw an exceptionally beautiful farm. He stopped his car to
appreciate the bountiful crop. The farmer was riding on his tractor and saw the priest at
the corner. He drove towards the Priest and when he got there the priest said, "God has
blessed you with a beautiful farm. You should be grateful for it. The farmer replied, "Yes,
God has blessed me with a beautiful farm and I am grateful for it, but you should have
seen this farm when God had the whole farm to himself!"
How come one person moves forward with one success after another, and yet some are
still getting ready?
How come one man goes through life crossing one hurdle after another, accomplishing
his goals while another struggles and gets nowhere?
If the answer to these two questions can become part of the curriculum, it could
revolutionize the educational system. The uncommon man seeks opportunity, whereas
the common man seeks security. We need to keep our minds on what we want, not on
what we don't want.
WHAT IS SUCCESS?
A lot of research has gone into the subject of success and failure. All that we need to do
is learn our lessons from history. When we study the life histories of successful people,
we find that they have certain qualities in common no matter which period of history
they lived in. Success leaves clues and if we identify and adopt the qualities of
successful people, we shall be successful. Similarly, there are characteristics common
in all failures. If we avoid those characteristics, then we shall not be failures. Success is
no mystery, but simply the result of consistently applying some basic principles. The
reverse is just as true: Failure is simply a result of making a few mistakes repeatedly. All
of this might sound too simplistic, but the fact is that most truths are very simple. I'm not
saying they are easy, but they certainly are simple.
To laugh often and love much;
To win the respect of intelligent persons
and the affection of children;
To earn the approval of honest critics and
endure the betrayal of false friends ;
To appreciate beauty; To
find the best in others;
To give off one's self without the

slightest thought of return;
To have accomplished a task, whether

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 26

by a healthy child, a rescued soul, a
garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To
have played and laughed with Enthusiasm and
sung with exaltation;
To know that even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived;

This is to have succeeded.
Anonymous
HOW DO WE DEFINE SUCCESS?
What makes a person successful? How do we recognize success?
To some people, success might mean wealth. To others, it is recognition, good health,
good family, happiness, satisfaction, and peace of mind. What this really tells us is that
success is subjective. It can mean different things to different people. The definition that
I feel summarizes "success" well is:
Success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal.
Earl Nightingale
Let's look at these definitions carefully.
"Progressive" means that success is a journey, not a destination. We never arrive. After
we reach one goal, we go on to the next and the next and the next.
"Realization" means it is an experience. Outside forces cannot make me feel
successful. I have to feel it within myself. It is internal not external.
"Worthy" refers to our value system. Which way are we heading? Positive or negative?
Worthiness determines the quality of the journey. That is what gives meaning and
fulfillment. Success without fulfillment is empty.
Why? "Goals" are important. Because they give us a sense of direction.
Success does not mean being accepted by everyone. There are some groups I would
not want to be accepted by, out of choice. I would rather be criticized by fools than
appreciated by unsavory characters.
I define success as a manifestation of good luck that results from inspiration, aspiration,
desperation and perspiration; generally in that sequence.
Success and happiness go hand in hand. Success is getting what you want and
happiness is wanting what you get!
Existence alone is not success! It is a lot more!
Do more than exist -- live

Do more than touch -- feel
Do more than look

-- observe

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 27

Do more than read

-- absorb

Do more than hear

-- listen

Do more than listen -- understand
John H. Rhodes
SOME OBSTACLES TO SUCCESS (REAL OR IMAGINED)
0♦Ego
0♦Fear of failure success ; lack of self esteem
0♦No plan
0♦Lack of formalized goals
0♦Life changes
0♦Procrastination
0♦Family responsibility
0♦Financial security issues
0♦Lack of focus, being muddled
0♦Giving up vision for promise of money
0♦Doing too much alone
0♦Over-commitment
0♦Lack of commitment
0♦Lack of training
0♦Lack of persistence
0♦Lack of priorities
THE WINNING EDGE
In order to get the winning edge , we need to strive for excellence, not perfection.
Striving for perfection is neurotic; striving for excellence is progress, because there is
nothing that can't be done better or improved.
All that we need is a little edge. The winning horse in the races wins 5-to-1 or 10-to-1.
Do you think he is five or ten times faster than the other horses? Of course not. He may
only be faster by a fraction, by a nose, but the rewards are five or ten times greater.
Is it fair? Who cares? It doesn't matter. Those are the rules of the game. That is the way
the game is played. The same is true in our lives. Successful people are not ten
times smarter than the people who fail. They may be better by a nose, but the
rewards are ten times bigger.
We don't need to improve 1,000% in any one area. All we need is to improve 1% in
1,000 different areas, which is a lot easier. That is the winning edge!

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 28

STRUGGLE
Trials in life can be tragedies or triumphs, depending on how we handle them. Triumphs
don't come without effort.
A biology teacher was teaching his students how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. He
told the students that in the next couple of hours, the butterfly would struggle to come
out of the cocoon. But no one should help the butterfly. Then he left.
The students were waiting and it happened. The butterfly struggled to get out of the
cocoon, and one of the students took pity on it and decided to help the butterfly out of
the cocoon against the advice of his teacher. He broke the cocoon to help the butterfly
so it didn't have to struggle anymore. But shortly afterwards the butterfly died.
When the teacher returned, he was told what happened. He explained to this student
that by helping the butterfly, he had actually killed it because it is a law of nature that the
struggle to come out of the cocoon actually helps develop and strengthen its wings. The
boy had deprived the butterfly of its struggle and the butterfly died.
Apply this same principle to our lives. Nothing worthwhile in life comes without a
struggle. As parents we tend to hurt the ones we love most because we don't allow
them to struggle to gain strength.
OVERCOMING OBSTACLES
People who have overcome obstacles are more secure than those who have never
faced them . We all have problems and we feel discouraged some time. Most people
get disappointed; but winners don't get disheartened. The answer is perseverance.
An English proverb says, "A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner." Everything is
difficult before it becomes easy. We cannot run away from our problems. Only losers
quit and give up.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
--Abigail Van Buren
HOW DO WE MEASURE SUCCESS?
True success is measured by the feeling of knowing you have done a job well and have
achieved your objective.
Success is not measured by our position in life but by the obstacles we overcame to get
there.
Success in life is not determined by how we are doing compared with others, but by
how we are doing compared with what we are capable of doing. Successful people
compete against themselves. They better their own record and keep improving
constantly.
Success is not measured by how high we go up in life but by how many times we
bounce back when we fall down. It is this bounce back ability that determines success.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 29

EVERY SUCCESS STORY IS ALSO A STORY OF GREAT FAILURE
Failure is the highway to success. Tom Watson Sr. said, "If you want to succeed, double
your failure rate."
If you study history, you will find that all stories of success are also stories of great
failures. But people don't see the failures. They only see one side of the picture and
they say that person got lucky: "He must have been at the right place at the right time."
Let me share someone's life history with you. This was a man who failed in business at
the age of 21 ; was defeated in a legislative race at age 22; failed again in business at
age 24; overcame the death of his sweetheart at age 26; had a nervous breakdown at
age 27; lost a congressional race at age 34; lost a senatorial race at age 45; failed in an
effort to become vice-president at age 47; lost a senatorial race at age 49; and was
elected president of the United States at age 52.
This man was Abraham Lincoln.
Would you call him a failure? He could have quit. But to Lincoln, defeat was a detour
and not a dead end.
In 1913, Lee De Forest, inventor of the triodes tube, was charged by the district
attorney for using fraudulent means to mislead the public into buying stocks of his
company by claiming that he could transmit the human voice across the Atlantic. He
was publicly humiliated. Can you imagine where we would be without his invention?
A New York Times editorial on December 10, 1903, questioned the wisdom of the
Wright Brothers who were trying to invent a machine, heavier than air, that would fly.
One week later, at Kitty Hawk, the Wright Brothers took their famous flight.
Colonel Sanders, at age 65, with a beat-up car and a $ 100 check from Social Security,
realized he had to do something. He remembered his mother's recipe and went out
selling. How many doors did he have to knock on before he got his first order? It is
estimated that he had knocked on more than a thousand doors before he got his first
order. How many of us quit after three tries, ten tries, a hundred tries, and then we say
we tried as hard as we could?
As a young cartoonist, Walt Disney faced many rejections from newspaper editors, who
said he had no talent. One day a minister at a church hired him to draw some cartoons.
Disney was working out of a small mouse infested shed near the church. After seeing a
small mouse, he was inspired. That was the start of Mickey Mouse.
Successful people don't do great things, they only do small things in a great way.
One day a partially deaf four year old kid came home with a note in his pocket from his
teacher, "Your Tommy is too stupid to learn, get him out of the school." His mother read
the note and answered, "My Tommy is not stupid to learn, I will teach him myself." And
that Tommy grew up to be the great Thomas Edison. Thomas
Edison had only three months of formal schooling and he was partially deaf.

Henry Ford forgot to put the reverse gear in the first car he made.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 30

Do you consider these people failures? They succeeded in spite of problems, not in the
absence of them. But to the outside world, it appears as though they just got lucky.
All success stories are stories of great failures. The only difference is that every time
they failed, they bounced back. This is called failing forward, rather than backward. You
learn and move forward. Learn from your failure and keep moving.
In 1914, Thomas Edison, at age 67, lost his factory, which was worth a few million
dollars, to fire. It had very little insurance. No longer a young man, Edison watched his
lifetime effort go up in smoke and said, "There is great value in disaster. All our
mistakes are burnt up. Thank God we can start anew." In spite of disaster, three weeks
later, he invented the phonograph. What an attitude!
Below are more examples of the failures of successful people:
1. Thomas Edison failed approximately 10,000 times while he was working on the light bulb.
2. Henry Ford was broke at the age of 40.
3. Lee Iacocca was fired by Henry Ford II at the age of 54.
4. Young Beethoven was told that he had no talent for music, but he gave some of
the
best music to the world.
Setbacks are inevitable in life. A setback can act as a driving force and also teach us
humility. In grief you will find courage and faith to overcome the setback. We need to
learn to become victors, not victims. Fear and doubt short-circuit the mind.
Ask yourself after every setback: What did I learn from this experience? Only then will
you be able to turn a stumbling block into a stepping stone.
IF YOU THINK
If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't!
If you like to win, but think you can't,
It's almost a cinch you won't.
you think you'll lose, you're lost;
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow's will;
It's all in the state of mind.
If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You've got to think high to rise,
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 31

Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger and faster man,
But sooner or later the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.
THE GREATEST GIFT
Man, of all creatures, is physically the most ill equipped in this world. He cannot fly like a
bird, can be killed by a tiny insect, cannot outrun a leopard, cannot swim like an
alligator, cannot climb the tree like a monkey, doesn't have the eye of an eagle, nor
does he have the claws and teeth of a wild cat. Physically, man is helpless and
defenseless.
But nature is reasonable and kind. Nature's greatest gift to man is the ability to think. He
can create his own environment, whereas animals adapt to their environment.
Sadly, very few people use the greatest gift the ability to think to its full potential.
Failures are of two kinds: those who did and never thought and those who thought and
never did. Going through life without using our ability to think is like shooting without
aiming.
Life is like a cafeteria. You take' your tray, select your food and pay at the other end. You
can get anything you want as long as you are willing to pay the price. In a cafeteria, if
you wait for people to serve you, you will wait forever. Life is like that too. You make
choices and pay the price.
LIFE IS FULL OF CHOICES AND COMPROMISES
There is a contradiction here. If life is full of choices, where is the question of
compromises? Remember, even a compromise is a choice. Let's evaluate this.
How is Life Full of Choices?
When we eat too much, we make a choice to be overweight. When we drink too much,
we make a choice to have a headache the next day. If you drink and drive, you make a
choice to risk being killed or killing someone in an accident. When we ill treat people, we
make a choice to be ill treated in return. When we don't care about other people, we
make a choice not to be cared for by other people.
Choices have consequences. We are free to make our choice but after we have
chosen, the choice controls us. We have equal opportunity to be unequal. The choice is
ours. Life can be compared to a pottery maker who shapes clay in any form he wants.
Similarly, we can mold our lives into any shape we want.
How is Life Full of Compromises?
Life is not just party and pleasure; it is also pain and despair. Unthinkable things
happen. Sometimes everything turns upside down. Bad things happen to good people.
Some things are beyond control, such as physical disability and birth defects. We

cannot choose our parents or the circumstances of our birth. So if the ball bounced that
way, sorry. But what do we do from here; cry or take the ball and run? That is a choice
we have to make.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 32

On a clear day, there are hundreds of boats sailing in all different directions in a lake.
How come? Even though the wind is blowing in one direction, the sailboats are going in
different directions. What is the difference? It depends on the way the sail is set, and
that is determined by the sailor. The same is true of our lives. We can't choose the
direction of the wind, but we can choose how we set the sail.
We can choose our attitude even though we cannot always choose our circumstances.
The choice is either to act like a victor or a victim. It is not our position but our
disposition that determines our destiny.
It takes both rain and sunshine to create a rainbow. Our lives are no different. There is
happiness and sorrow. There is the good and the bad ; dark and bright spots. If we can
handle adversity, it only strengthens us. We cannot control all the events that happen in
our lives, but we can control how we deal with them.
Richard Blechnyden wanted to promote Indian tea at the St. Louis World fair in 1904. It
was very hot and no one wanted to sample his tea. Blechnyden saw that all the other
iced drinks were doing flourishing business. It dawned on him to make his tea into an
iced drink, mix in sugar and sell it. He did and people loved it. That was the introduction
of iced tea to the world.
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, we can react responsibly or resentfully.
Human beings are not like an action which has no choice. An action cannot decide
whether to become a giant tree or to become food for the squirrels. Human beings have
choices. If nature gives us a lemon, we have a choice: either cry or make lemonade.
QUALITIES THAT MAKE A PERSON SUCCESSFUL
1. Desire
The motivation to succeed comes from the burning desire to achieve a purpose.
Napoleon Hill wrote, "Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, the mind
can achieve."
A young man asked Socrates the secret to success. Socrates told the young man to
meet him near the river the next morning. They met. Socrates asked the young man to
walk with him toward the river. When the water got up to their neck, Socrates took the
young man by surprise and ducked him into the water. The boy struggled to get out but
Socrates was strong and kept him there until the boy started turning blue.
Socrates pulled his head out of the water and the first thing the young man did was to
gasp and take a deep breath of air. Socrates asked, 'What did you want the most when
you were there?" The boy replied, "Air." Socrates said, "That is the secret to success.
When you want success as badly as you wanted the air, then you will get it." There is
no other secret.
A burning desire is the starting point of all accomplishment. Just like a small fire cannot
give much heat, a weak desire cannot produce great results.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 33

2. Commitment
Integrity and wisdom are the two pillars on which to build and keep commitments. This
point is best illustrated by the manager, who told one of his staff members, "Integrity is
keeping your commitment even if you lose money and wisdom is not to make such
foolish commitments."
Prosperity and success are the result of our thoughts and decisions. It is our decision
what thoughts will dominate our lives. Success is not an accident. It is the result of our
attitude.
Playing to Win Requires Commitment
There is a big difference between playing to win and playing not to lose. When we play
to win, we play with enthusiasm and commitment; whereas when we play not to lose,
we are playing from a position of weakness. When we play not to lose, we are playing to
avoid failure. We all want to win, but very few are prepared to pay the price to prepare
to win. Winners condition and commit themselves to winning. Playing to win comes out
of inspiration, whereas playing not to lose comes out of desperation.
There are no ideal circumstances. There will never be. To reach anywhere we cannot
just drift nor lie at anchor. We need to sometimes sail with the wind and sometimes
against it, but sail we must.
Ask any coach or athlete what the difference between the best and the worst team is.
There would be very little difference in their physique, talent and ability. The biggest
difference you will find is emotional difference. The winning team has dedication and
they make the extra effort.
To a winner, the tougher the competition

0♦the greater the incentive
0♦the more motivated he is
0♦the better the performance
0♦the sweeter the victory
New challenges develop new potential. Most athletes' best performances have come
when the odds are slightly against them. That is when they dig deeper into their
reservoir.
When I'd get tired and want to stop, I'd wonder what my next opponent was doing.
When I could see him still working, I'd start pushing myself. When I see him in the
shower, I'd push myself harder.
--Dan Gable, Olympic gold medalist in wrestling
Success is not in the achievement but in the achieving. Some people never try because
they are afraid to lose. At the same time, they don't want to stay where they are
because they are afraid to be left behind. There is a risk either way. Ships that go out

into the open water face risk from a storm. But if they sit in the harbor, they would rust
and that is not what they were built for. That is the difference between

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 34

playing to win and playing not to lose. One cannot be committed and not take risks.
People who play to win thrive on pressure and those who play not to lose don't know
how to succeed.
Pressure makes people who play to win, prepare harder. For those who play not to lose,
the pressure saps the energy. They want to win but they are so afraid to lose that they
can't reach their full potential. They lose energy worrying about losing instead
concentrating their efforts on winning.
Losers want security, winners seek opportunity. Losers are more afraid of life than
death. Failing is not a crime but lack of effort is.
The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence,
regardless of their chosen field of endeavor.
Vince Lombardi
Conviction Leads to Commitment
There is a difference between preferences and conviction. Preferences are negotiable;
convictions are not. Preferences give way under pressure; convictions become stronger.
That is why it is important to have a good value system so that our convictions are
worthy because convictions in turn lead to commitment.
3. Responsibility
A duty which becomes a desire will ultimately become a delight.
--George Gritter
People with character accept responsibilities. They make decisions and determine their
own destiny in life. Accepting responsibilities involves taking risks and being
accountable which is sometimes uncomfortable. Most people would rather stay in their
comfort zone and live passive lives without accepting responsibilities. They drift through
life waiting for things to happen rather than making them happen. Accepting
responsibilities involves taking calculated, not foolish, risks. It means evaluating all the
pros and cons, then taking the most appropriate decision or action. Responsible people
don't think that the world owes them a living.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You
cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You
cannot enrich the poor by impoverishing the rich.
You cannot establish sound security on borrowed money.
You cannot help the wage earner by pulling down the wage pay or .
You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and
independence. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.

You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for
themselves.
--Abraham Lincoln

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 35

The retiring president of a company after a standard farewell, gave two envelopes
marked No. 1 and No. 2 to the incoming president, and said, "Whenever you run into a
management crisis you cannot handle by yourself , open envelope No. 1. At the next
crisis, open the second one."
A few years later, a major crisis came. The president went into the safe and pulled out
the first envelope. It said, "Blame it on your predecessor." A few years later a second
crisis came. The president went for the second envelope, and it said, "Prepare two
envelopes for your successor."
Responsible people accept and learn from their mistakes. Some people never learn.
We can do three things about mistakes:
0♦Ignore them
0♦Deny them
0♦Accept and learn from them
The third alternative takes courage; it is risky but rewarding. If, instead, we defend our
weaknesses, we actually start building our lives around them, making them a center
point, rather than overcoming them.
4. Hard Work
Success is not something that you run into by accident. It takes a lot of preparation and
character. Everyone likes to win but how many are willing to put in the effort and time to
prepare to win? It takes sacrifice and self-discipline. There is no substitute for hard
work. Henry Ford said, "The harder you work, the luckier you get."
The world is full of willing workers, some willing to work and the others willing to let
them.
I like to work half a day. I don't care if it is the first 12 hours or the second 12 hours.
--Kammons Wilson, CEO of Holiday Inn
One cannot develop a capacity to do anything without hard work, just as a person
cannot learn how to spell by sitting on a dictionary. Professionals make things look easy
because they have mastered the fundamentals of whatever they do.
If people knew how hard I had to work to gain my mastery, it wouldn't seem wonderful
at all.
--Michaelangelo
An executive called a company to check on a potential candidate. He asked the
candidate's supervisor, "How long has he worked for you?" The man replied, "Three

days." The executive said. "But he told me he was with you for three years." The man
replied, "That is right, but he worked three days."

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 36

The average person puts only 25% of his energy and ability into his work. The world
takes off its hat to those who put in more than 50% of their capacity, and stands on its
head for those few and far between souls who devote 100%.
--Andrew Carnegie
Success is the result of believing in asking how much work and not how little work, how
many hours not how few hours. The best musicians practice every day. Winners don't
need to apologize for winning because they work hard and long. It didn't come easy.
Everything that we enjoy is a result of someone's hard work. Some work is visible and
other work goes unseen, but both are equally important. Some people stop working as
soon as they find a job. Regardless of the unemployment statistics, it is hard to find
good people to work. Many people don't understand the difference between idle time
and leisure time. Idle time amounts to wasting or stealing time; leisure time is earned.
Procrastinating amounts to not working.
Excellence is not luck; it is the result of a lot of hard work and practice. Hard work and
practice make a person better at whatever he is doing.
Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
--Abraham Lincoln
Hard work is both a beginning and an end in itself. The harder a person works, the
better he feels; and the better he feels, the harder he works. The best ideas will not
work unless you work the ideas. Great talent without will power and hard work is a
waste.
We need to learn from nature. The duck keeps paddling relentlessly underneath but
appears smooth and calm on top.
Once when Fritz Kreisler, the great violinist, finished a concert, someone came up to
the stage and said, "I'd give my life to play the way YOU do." Kreisler replied, "I did!"
There is no magic wand for success. In the real world, success comes to doers, not
observers. A horse that pulls cannot kick; a horse that kicks cannot pull. Let's pull and
stop kicking.
Without hard work there is no success.
Nature gives birds their food but does not put it in their nest. They have to work hard for
it. Nothing comes easy. Milton rose every morning at 4 a.m. to write Paradise
Lost. It took Noah Webster 36 years to compile Webster's Dictionary.
Even small accomplishments require hard work and are better than big talk.
5. Character
Character is the sum total of a person's values, beliefs and personality. It is reflected in
our behavior, in our actions. It needs to be preserved more than the richest jewel in the
world. To be a winner takes character. George Washington said, "I hope I shall always
possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most valuable of all
titles, the character of an honest man."

It is not the polls or public opinions but the character of the leader that determines the
course of history. There is no twilight zone in integrity. The road to success has

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 37

many pitfalls. It takes a lot of character and effort not to fall into them. It also takes
character not to be disheartened by critics.
How come most people love success but hate successful people? Whenever a person
rises above average, there will always be someone trying to rip him apart. Chances are
pretty good when you see a person on top of a hill, that he just didn't get there, but had
to endure a tough climb. It's no different in life. In any profession, a successful person
will be envied by those who are not. Don't let criticism distract you from reaching your
goal. Average people play it safe to avoid criticism, which can be easily avoided by
saying, doing or being nothing. The more you accomplish, the more you risk being
criticized. It seems there is a relationship between success and criticism. The greater
the success the more the criticism.
Critics have always been sitting at the sidelines. They are underachievers who shout at
doers, telling them how to do it right. But remember critics are not the leaders or doers
and it is worthwhile asking them to come down to where the action is.
The critic is one who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Oscar Wilde
There is another breed of people who are willing to help others until the others are able
to help themselves. But as soon as they are able to help themselves, this group of
people make life as miserable and as uncomfortable as possible. This is part of life and
if we have to succeed, we have to do it in spite of them. This kind of behavior is the
result of jealousy.
Character is a Combination
Character is a combination of integrity, unselfishness, understanding, conviction,
courage, loyalty and respect.
What is a pleasant personality with character?

0♦It is a class by itself.
0♦It is composure.
0♦It is poise.
0♦It is surefootedness and confidence without arrogance.
0♦It is being considerate.
0♦It is never making excuses.
0♦It is knowing that courtesy and good manners take many small sacrifices.
0♦It is learning from past mistakes.
0♦It has nothing to do with money or blue blood.
0♦It never builds itself by destroying others.

0♦It is substance, not just form.
0♦It can walk with the elite and yet maintain the common touch.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 38

0♦It is a gentle word, a kind look and a good-natured smile.
0♦It is the secret pride that stands against tyranny.
0♦It is comfortable with itself and others.
0♦It is the classic touch that gives the winning edge.
0♦It works wonders.
0♦It accomplishes miracles.
0♦It is easy to recognize, hard to define.
0♦It is accepting responsibility.
0♦It is humility.
0♦It is graciousness in victory and defeat.
0♦It is not fame and fortune.
0♦It is not a plaque.
0♦It is permanent.
0♦It is intangible.

0♦It is being courteous and polite without being subservient.
0♦It is being classy without being corky.
0♦It is self-discipline and knowledge.
0♦It is self-contained.
0♦It is a gracious winner and an understanding loser.
More difficult than success itself is; how we handle success. Many people know how to
become successful but after they become successful, they don't know how to handle it
That is why ability and character go hand in hand. Ability will get you success, character
will keep you successful.
We don't unfold or discover ourselves , we create and build ourselves into the kind of
person we want to be.
Character building starts from infancy and goes on until death. Character does not need
success. It is success. Just like a gardener has to keep weeding to prevent weeds from
eating the life of the garden, we need to keep building and developing our character by
weeding out our faults.
Adversity Builds and/or Reveals Character
Under adverse circumstances, some people break records and others break down. A
gem cannot be polished without friction, nor can you get the finest steel without putting it
through fire. Similarly, adversity reveals a person's character and introduces it to
himself.
There is a saying that came from Russia: "A hammer shatters glass but forges steel."
There is a lot of truth in it. Are we made of glass or steel? It is the same hammer. Just
like carbon determines the quality of steel, character determines the quality of man.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 39

6. Positive Believing
What is the difference between positive thinking and positive believing? What if you
could actually listen to your thoughts? Are they positive or negative? How are you
programming your mind, for success or failure? How you think has a profound effect on
your performance.
Having a positive attitude and being motivated is a choice we make every morning.
Living a positive life is not easy; but then neither is negative living. Given a choice, I
would go for positive living.
Positive thinking is better than negative thinking and it will help us use our abilities to the
fullest.
Positive believing is a lot more than positive thinking. It is having a reason to believe
that positive thinking will work. Positive believing is an attitude of confidence that comes
with preparation. Having a positive attitude without making the effort is nothing more
than having a wishful dream. The following illustrates positive believing.
Does Lockheed organization have a reason to believe positively? You bet.
Several years ago Lockheed introduced the L -1011 Tristar plane. In order to ensure
safety and test the strength of the jetliner, Lockheed exposed the plane to the roughest
treatment for 18 months, costing $1.5 billion. Hydraulic jacks, electronic sensors and a
computer put the airplane through its paces for more than 36,000 simulated flights,
amounting to 100 years of airline service, without one single malfunction. Finally after
hundreds of tests the aircraft was given the seal of approval. *
There is every reason to believe that this plane would be safe to fly, because of all the
effort put into preparation.
7. Give More Than You Get
It is easy to succeed today. We have no competition. If you want to get ahead in life, go
the extra mile. There is no competition on the extra mile. Are you willing to do a little
more than you get paid for ? How many people you know are willing to do a little bit
more than what they get paid for? Hardly any. Most people don't want to do what they
get paid for and there is a second category of people who only want to do what they can
get by with. They fulfill their quota just to keep their jobs. There is a small fraction who
are willing to do a little bit more than what they get paid for. Why do they do more? If you
fall into the last category, then where is your competition?
The advantages of doing more than you get paid for are :
0♦You make yourself more valuable, regardless of what you do and where you work.
0♦It gives you more confidence.
0♦People start looking at you as a leader.
0♦Others start trusting you.
0♦Superiors start respecting you.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 40

0♦It breeds loyalty from both your subordinates and your superiors.
0♦It generates cooperation.
If you work for a man for heaven's sake work for him.
--Kim Hubbard

These people are always wanted everywhere regardless of age, experience or
academic qualifications: hardworking people who can work without supervision; people
who are punctual and considerate; people who listen carefully and carry out instructions
accurately; people who tell the truth; people who don't sulk when called upon to pitch in
at the time of an emergency; people who are result rather than task oriented; people
who are cheerful and courteous.
Always think in terms of giving value added whether to customers, friends, your spouse,
parents or children. Whenever you do anything, ask yourself, "How can I add value to
what I am doing?" or "How can I give added value to others?"
The key to success can be summed up in four words: "and then some more." Winners
do what they are supposed to and then some more. Winners do their duty and then
some more. Winners are courteous and generous and then some more. Winners can be
counted on and then some more. Winners put in 100% and then some more.
Ability without dependability, responsibility and flexibility is a liability.
8. Adapted from Daily Motivations for African American Success by Dennis Kimbro, June
29,1993, Fawcett Press, New York.
Why are some highly intelligent people, with impressive academic qualifications living
failures, or at best practicing mediocrity? Because they become experts at why things
won't work and build a reserve of negative energy. They don't want to do what they get
paid for or they only want to do what they can get by with. No wonder they are living
failures. When we give or do more than what we get paid for, we eliminate our
competition. In fact, we become the competition. This attitude is much more important
than intelligence or a degree.
8. The Power of Persistence
Nothing will take the place of persistence. Talent will not : Nothing is more common than
unsuccessful people with talent . Genius will not : Unrewarded genius is a proverb.
Education will not: The world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination
alone are omnipotent.
--Calvin Coolidge
The journey to being your best is not easy. It is full of setbacks. Winners have the ability
to overcome and bounce back with even greater resolve.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 41

DON'T QUIT
When things go wrong,
As they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far ;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.
Fritz Kreisler, the great violinist, was once asked, "How do you play so well? Are you
lucky?" He replied, "It is practice. If I don't practice for a month, the audience can tell the
difference. If I don't practice for a week, my wife can tell the difference. If I don't practice
for a day, I can tell the difference."
Persistence means commitment and determination. There is pleasure in endurance.
Commitment and persistence is a decision. Athletes put in years of practice for a few
seconds or minutes of performance.
Persistence is a decision. It is a commitment to finish what you start. When we are
exhausted, quitting looks good. But winners endure. Ask a winning athlete. He endures
pain and finishes what he started. Lots of failures have begun well but have not
concluded anything. Persistence comes from purpose. Life without purpose is drifting. A
person who has no purpose will never persevere and will never be fulfilled.
9. Pride of Performance
In today's world, pride in performance has fallen by the wayside because it requires
effort and hard work. However, nothing happens unless it is made to happen. When one

is discouraged, it is easy to look for shortcuts. However these should be avoided no
matter how great the temptation. Pride comes from within, which is what gives the
winning edge.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 42

Pride of performance does not represent ego. It represents pleasure with humility. The
quality of the work and the quality of the worker are inseparable. Half-hearted effort
does not produce half results; it produces no results.
Three people were laying bricks and a passerby asked them what they were doing. The
first one replied, "Don't you see I am making a living?" The second one said, "Don't you
see I am laying bricks?" The third one said, "I am building a beautiful monument." Three
people doing the same thing gave totally different replies. The question is : did they
have different attitudes? And would their attitude affect their performance? The answer
is a clear yes.
Excellence comes when the performer takes pride in doing his best. Every job is a selfportrait of the person who does it, regardless of what the job is, whether washing cars,
sweeping the floor or painting a house.
Do it right the first time, every time. The best insurance for tomorrow is a job well done
today.
Michelangelo was working on a statue for several days and he was taking a long time to
retouch every small detail which seemed rather insignificant to a bystander.
When asked why he did it, Michelangelo replied, "Trifles make perfection and perfection
is no trifle."
Most people forget how fast you did a job, but they remember how well it was done.
If a man is called to be street sweeper, he should sweep streets
even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or
Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that
all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a
great street sweeper who did his job well.
--Martin Luger King, Jr.
One cannot compromise on quality and service. It is said that Ray Kroc, founder of
McDonald's, found a fly during one of his visits at a franchise. Two weeks later the
franchisee lost his franchise. Ray Kroc said, "You should work for pride and
accomplishment. I was brought up to understand that reward will come later."
The feeling of a job well done is a reward in itself. It is better to do small things well than
do many things poorly.
10. Be Willing to Be a Student--Get a Mentor
If God and the teacher (guru) are standing together, who does the student salute first?
According to Indian culture, the answer is the teacher, because without his direction and
help, the student could not have met God.
A mentor or a teacher is a person whose hindsight can become your foresight. Look for
someone who can accept you as a mentee or a student. Choose your mentor carefully.

A good one will guide and give direction; a bad one will misguide. Show respect. Be an
interested student. Teachers like interested students.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 43

The best teachers will not give you something to drink, they will make you thirsty. They
will put you on a path to seek answers.
There is a story about a king in ancient times who wanted to honor a person that made
the greatest contribution to society. All kinds of people came, including doctors and
entrepreneurs, and they all presented their case for receiving the honor. The king
wasn't impressed. Finally an elderly person with a glow on his face walked in and said
he was a teacher. The king came down from his throne and bowed to honor the
teacher. It is the teacher who makes the highest contribution in shaping the future of
society.
DO WE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE SUCCESSFUL?
Do all of us have the qualities for success? Some people feel they don't. They stay
mediocre and fail. But it doesn't have to be that way. All of us have all of these qualities.
They may not be developed to the level that we want them but they are there. We may
not know that they are there, but when we find out, our performance changes.
This is like having a million dollars buried in your backyard and not knowing about it. You
wouldn't be able to use it. But the moment you find out, your thinking and behavior will
change.
The same thing is true with people. We all have hidden treasures. All we need to do is
bring them to the surface and use them.
WHAT IS HOLDING US BACK?
What would happen if we drove our car with the brakes on? It wouldn't be smart, would
it? What would happen to our car? It will never go full speed because the brakes offer
resistance. The car will overheat and break down. If it doesn't break down, the
resistance will strain the engine. You have two choices. You can either press the
accelerator harder and risk damage, or release the brakes to make the car go faster.
This is a good parallel to life, because we go through life with our emotional brakes on.
What are the brakes? They are the factors that prevent us from achieving success. The
way to release our emotional brakes is by building a positive attitude, high self-esteem
and by accepting responsibility.
REASONS FOR FAILURE WHY WE DON'T ACHIEVE EXCELLENCE
Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
--Charles Schultz
1. Unwillingness to Take Risks
Success involves taking calculated risks. Risk taking does not mean gambling foolishly
and behaving irresponsibly. People sometimes mistake irresponsible and rash behavior
as risk-taking. They end up with negative results and blame it on bad luck.
Risk-taking is relative. The concept of risk varies from person to person and can be a
result of training. To both a trained mountain climber and a novice, mountain climbing is
risky, but to the trained person it is not irresponsible risk-taking.

Responsible risk-taking is based on knowledge, training, careful study, confidence

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 44

and competence which give a person the courage to act while facing fear. The person
who never does anything makes no mistakes. However, he doesn't realize that not
doing anything is his biggest mistake.
Many opportunities are lost because of indecision. It is habit-forming and contagious.
Take risks but don't gamble. Risk-takers go with their eyes open. Gamblers shoot in the
dark.
Once someone asked a farmer if he had planted wheat for the season. The farmer
replied, "No. I was afraid it wouldn't rain." Then the man asked, "Did you plant corn?"
The farmer said, "No. I was afraid of insects eating one corn. Then the man asked , "
What did you plant ? " The farmer said, "Nothing. I played it safe."
RISKS
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach outfox another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return. To
live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair. To
try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken, because the greatest
hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has
nothing, and is nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they
cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, or live.
Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves, they
have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
2. Lack of persistence
When problems seem insurmountable, quitting seems to be the easiest way out. It is
true for every marriage, job and relationship. Winners are struck but not destroyed.
We all have had setbacks in life. Failing does not mean we are failures.
More people fail not because they lack knowledge or talent but because they quit.
The total secret of success lies in two words, persistence and resistance. Persist in
what must be done and resist what ought not be done.

A man is a hero not because he is braver than anyone else, but because he is brave for
ten minutes longer.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 45

--Ralph Waldo Emerson
3. Instant Gratification
We think short term, not long term. That is limited vision. We are living in an age of
instant gratification. There is a pill for everything, from waking you up to putting you to
sleep. People want to take a pill to get rid of their problems. When people want to be
instant millionaires, they take shortcuts and compromise on their integrity.
The desire to make a million overnight has made the lottery a flourishing business.
Remember that instant gratification never thinks of consequences, only of momentary
pleasures.
Today's generation defines the ideal diet as one that will take off five pounds for good
intentions. These are people who don't want any more birthdays but want all the
presents.
4. Lack of Priorities
People make substitutes where they ought not to. For example, in relationships, they
trade money and gifts for affection and time. Some people find it easier to buy things for
their children and spouse to compensate for their absence.
When we don't have our priorities right, we waste time, not realizing that time wasted is
life wasted. Prioritizing requires discipline to do what needs to be done rather than going
by our moods and fancies. Too much emphasis is placed on success and failure rather
than doing one's best.
How do you cope with defeat and problems?
Your response to this question says a lot about your character. One of the keys to
solving this mystery to success is understanding. Some people have their mind set on
money, power, fame or possessions. We have to understand our priorities.
Success does not come by reading or memorizing the principles that lead to success,
but by understanding and applying them.
5. Looking for Shortcuts
No Free Lunch
There is a story about a king who called his advisers and asked them to write down the
wisdom of the ages so that he could pass it on to future generations. After a lot of work,
the advisers came up with several volumes of wisdom and presented them to the king.
The king called his advisers and said that it was too long, people would not read it. They
had to condense it. The advisers went back to work and came back with one volume.
The king said the same thing. They came back again with one chapter and then one
page, and the king said the same thing still until they came up with one sentence that
satisfied the king. He said that if there was one piece of wisdom that he wanted to pass
on to future generations, it is this one sentence:
"There is no free lunch."
In every organization or society, there are freeloaders. They are people who want to get
a benefit without paying for it. They are looking for freebies. By and large, sometime or

the other, most of us have been guilty of being a freeloader. This is typically seen in
associations and organizations. Most members are inactive. They want and get the full
benefit of the effort of the active ones.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 46

The Easier Way May Actually Be the
Tougher Way
Once there was a lark singing in the forest. The lark stopped him and asked, "What do
you have in the box and where are you going?" The farmer replied that he had worms
and that he was going to the market to trade them for some feathers. The lark said, "I
have many feathers. I will pluck one and give it to you and that will save me looking for
worms." The farmer gave the worms to the lark and the lark plucked a feather and gave
it in return. The next day the same thing happened and the day after and on and on
until a day came that the lark had no more feathers. Now it couldn't fly and hunt for
worms. It started looking ugly and stopped singing and very soon it died.
What is the moral of the story?
The moral is quite clear what the lark thought was an easy way to get food turned out to
be the tougher way after all.
Isn't the same thing true in our lives? Many times we look for the easier way, which
really ends up being the tougher way.
Losers Look for Quick Fixes
There are two ways of getting rid of weeds in your yard. The easy way and the not so
easy way. The easy way may be to run a lawn mower and the yard looks fine for a
while, but that is a temporary answer. Soon the weeds are back. But the not-so-easy
way may mean getting down on your hands and knees and pulling out the weeds by the
roots. It is time consuming and painful, but the weeds will stay away for a longer time.
The first solution appeared easy, but the problem remained. The second solution, was
not so easy, but took care of the problem from the roots. The key is to get to the root of
the problem.
The same thing is true of our attitude in life. Some people spread their attitude of
bitterness and resentment and this attitude keeps cropping up in different parts of their
lives. The problem with people today is that they want instant answers. They are looking
for one-minute solutions to everything. Just like instant coffee, they want instant
happiness. There are no quick fixes. This attitude leads to disappointment.
6. Selfishness and Greed
Individuals and organizations that have a selfish attitude toward each other and toward
their customers have no right to expect growth. Their attitude is to keep passing the
buck without regard for the welfare of others. Greed always wants more.
Needs can be satisfied but greed cannot. It is a cancer of the soul. Greed destroys
relationships. How do we gauge our greed index? By asking ourselves three questions:
0♦Can I afford it?
0♦Do I really need it?
0♦If I have it, will it give me peace of mind?

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 47

Greed comes out of poor self-esteem, which manifests itself as false pride, pretense or
keeping up with the Joneses. The way out of greed is to learn to live within your means
and be satisfied. Being contented does not mean lacking ambition.
WHERE DOES IT END?
There is a story about a wealthy farmer who was once offered all the land he could walk
on in a day, provided he came back by sundown to the point where he started. To get a
new start, early the next morning the farmer started covering ground quickly because he
wanted to get as much land as he could. Even though he was tired, he kept going all
afternoon because he didn't want to miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to gain more
wealth.
Late in the afternoon he realized the condition he had to fulfill to get the land was to get
back to the starting point by sundown. His greed had gotten him far enough. He started
his return journey, keeping an eye on how close he was to sundown. The closer it got to
sundown, the faster he ran. He was exhausted, out of breath and pushed himself
beyond the point of endurance. He collapsed upon reaching the starting point and died.
He did make it before sundown. He was buried and all the land he needed was a small
plot.
There is a lot of truth in this story and a lesson to be learned. Whether the farmer was
wealthy or not, any greedy person would have ended the same way.
7. Lack of Conviction
People who lack conviction take the middle of the road; and guess what happens in the
middle of the road? They get run over.
People without conviction do not take a stand. They go along to get along because they
lack confidence and courage. They conform in order to get accepted even when they
know that what they are doing is wrong. They behave like part of a herd.
Some people consider themselves a shade better because they do not support the
wrong; however, they lack the conviction to oppose. They do not realize that by not
opposing they are actually supporting.
One of the important secrets to success is, instead of being against something, be for
something. That way, you don't become part of the problem, but part of the solution. It
takes conviction to take a stand.
Conviction Takes Faith
Faith without action is delusion. Faith does not wait for miracles but produces them. If
you think you can or if you think you can't, you are right.
--Henry Ford
We all have low moments, we all fall down and get hurt. We all have moments when we
doubt ourselves and get into self-pity. The point is to overcome these feelings and

restore your faith.
There are three kinds of people in this world:

0♦People who make things happen

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 48

0♦People who watch things happen
0♦People who wonder what happened
Which category do you fall into?
8. Lack of Understanding of Nature's Laws
Success is a matter of laws and these are the laws of nature. Change is nature's law.
We are either moving forward or we are going backward. We are either creating or
disintegrating. There is no status quo.
A seed, if it is not planted in the earth to create, disintegrates. Change is inevitable. It is
going to happen whether we like it or not. All progress is change but all change is not
progress. We must evaluate change and accept it only if it makes sense. Acceptance
without evaluation amounts to conforming behavior, a sign of lack of confidence and of
low self-esteem.
There is a lot to be said about tradition. Growth for the sake of growth is the philosophy
of a cancerous cell. It is negativity spreading all over. That is not growth, that is
destruction. Growth, in order to be meaningful, must be positive.
Success is not a matter of luck, but of laws.
Law of Cause and Effect
In order to succeed, we need to understand the law of cause and effect and the
relationship between actions and results.
For every effect, there is a cause. The law of cause and effect is the same as the law of
sowing and reaping. The law of sowing and reaping says five things:
0♦We must have the desire to sow. Desire is the starting point.
0♦What we sow, so shall we reap. If we sow potatoes, we are only going to reap
potatoes, not tomatoes.
0♦We must sow before we reap. Sowing takes place before reaping; we must give
before we get. We cannot expect the fireplace to give us heat before we put in the
fuel.
Some people are constantly looking to get before they give. It does not work this
way.
0♦When we sow a seed, we do not reap a fruit--our harvest is manifold. If we sow a
positive seed our harvest will be manifold in the positive, and if we sow a negative
one the harvest shall be manifold in the negative. It is not uncommon to see people
going against nature's law.
0♦A farmer knows that we cannot sow and reap in the same day. There is always a
period of gestation.
It is like the law of physics. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Most of the time people are trying to change the effect while the cause remains. Either

we feed our mind with positives constantly or negativity automatically fills the

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 49

vacuum. Many ancient sages have said what James Allen said in his book As a Man
Thinketh. A man's mind is like a garden. If we plant good seeds, we will have a good
garden. But if we don't plant anything, something will grow and they will be weeds. That
is nature's law.
The same is true in our lives. I would go a step further. Even if we plant good seeds,
weeds will still grow. The process of weeding goes on forever.
If you put water in a glass and put it in sub-zero temperature, it will freeze. That is not
surprising, that is nature's law. In fact, that is the only thing that will happen.
Our thoughts are causes. You sow a thought, you reap an action. You sow an action,
you reap a habit. You sow a habit, you reap a character. You sow a character, you reap
a destiny. It all starts with a thought.
Laws of Attraction
We attract to ourselves not what we want but what we are. The old phrase, "Birds of a
feather flock together," holds true.
Negative thinkers are dangerous. They attract other negative people, react negatively,
expect the worst and they are not disappointed.
Have you observed how at any social occasion successful people attract other
successful people? Failures attract other failures, and together they will moan, groan
and complain.
Our friends are not the kind of people we want but the kind of people we are.
9. Unwillingness to Plan and Prepare
Everyone has a will to win but very few have the will to prepare to win.
--Vince Lombardi
Most people spend more time planning a party or vacation than planning their lives.
Preparation
Confidence comes from preparation, which is nothing but planning and practicing.
Winners put pressure on themselves. That is the pressure of preparing and not worrying
about winning.
If we practice poorly, we play poorly; because we play as we practice. The difference
between success and failure is the difference between doing exactly right and almost
right.
A complete mental and physical preparation is the result of sacrifice and self-discipline.
It is easy to be average but tough to be the best. No wonder the average people take
the easy way.
Preparation is the necessary edge to succeed in any field.

Purpose + Principle + Planning + Practice + Perseverance + Patience + Pride =
Preparation

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 50

Preparation leads to Confidence
Preparation means tolerating failure but never accepting it. It means having the courage
to face defeat without feeling defeated, being disappointed without being discouraged.
Preparation means learning from our mistakes. There is nothing wrong with making
mistakes. We all do. A fool is one who makes the same mistake twice. A person who
makes a mistake and doesn't correct it, commits a bigger one.
The best way to handle a mistake is to

0♦admit it quickly
0♦not dwell on it
0♦learn from it
0♦not repeat it
0♦not assign blame or make excuses
Pressure comes from being unprepared. There is no substitute for preparation, practice
and hard work. Desire and wishful thinking won't do it. Only preparation will give you the
competitive edge.
Pressure can paralyze when a person is not prepared. Just like water gravitates to its
own path, success gravitates to those who are prepared. Weak effort gets weak results.
Persistence is a name we give to

0♦a purpose
0♦preparation
0♦patience
0♦principles
0♦positive attitude
0♦a plan .
0♦price .
0♦practice
0♦pride
Ask yourself:
0♦Do you have a clearly defined purpose?
0♦Do you have a plan of action?
0♦What effort are you putting into preparation?
0♦What price are you willing to pay? How far are you willing to go?

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 51

0♦Do you have the patience to withstand the gestation period?
0♦Are you willing to practice toward excellence?
0♦Do you have any firm principles to stand on?
0♦Do you have pride in your performance?
0♦Do you have the "can do" attitude?
10. Rationalizing

Winners may analyze but never rationalize that is a loser's game. Losers always have a
book full of excuses to tell you why they could not.
We hear excuses like:
I'm unlucky.
I'm born under the wrong stars.
I'm too young.
I'm too old.
I'm handicapped.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not educated.
I'm not good looking.
I don't have contacts.
I don't have enough money.
I don't have enough time.
The economy is bad.
If only I had the opportunity.
If only I didn't have a family.
If only I had married right.
The list can go on and on.
HOW THEY CATCH MONKEYS IN INDIA
Monkey-hunters use a box with an opening at the top, big enough for the monkey to
slide its hand in. Inside the box are nuts. The monkey grabs the nuts and now its hand
becomes a fist. The monkey tries to get its hand out but the opening is big enough for
the hand to slide in, but too small for the fist to come out. Now the monkey has a
choice, either to let go off the nuts and be free forever or hang on to the nuts and get
caught. Guess what it picks every time? You guessed it. He hangs on to the nuts and
gets caught.
We are no different from monkeys. We all hang on to some nuts that keep us from going
forward in life. We keep rationalizing by saying, "I cannot do this because . . ." and

whatever comes after "because" are the nuts that we are hanging on to which are
holding us back.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 52

Successful people don't rationalize. Two things determine if a person will be a success:
reasons and results. Reasons don't count while results do. A good advice for failure is:
Don't think, don't ask and don't listen. Just rationalize.
11. Not Learning from Past Mistakes
People who do not learn lessons from history are doomed. Failure is a teacher if we
have the right attitude. Failure is a detour, not a dead end. It is a delay, not a defeat.
Experience is the name we give to our mistakes.
Some people live and learn, and some only live. Wise people learn from their mistakes
wiser people learn from other people's mistakes. Our lives are not long enough to learn
only from our own mistakes.
12. Inability to Recognize Opportunity
Opportunities come disguised as obstacles. That is why most people don't recognize
them. Remember that the bigger the obstacle, the bigger is the opportunity.
13. Fear
Fear can be real or imaginary. It makes people do strange things and primarily comes
because of a lack of understanding. To live in fear is like being in an emotional prison.
Fear results in insecurity, lack of confidence, procrastination. Fear destroys our potential
and ability. We cannot think straight. It ruins relationships and health.
Some of the common fears are:

0♦fear of failing
0♦fear of the unknown
0♦fear of being unprepared
0♦fear of making the wrong decision
0♦fear of rejection
Some fears can be described, others felt. Fear leads to anxiety, which in turn leads to
irrational thinking, which actually sabotages our solution to the problem. The normal
response to fear is escape. Escape puts us in our comfort zone and reduces the impact
temporarily, while keeping the cause. Imaginary fear magnifies the problem. Fear can
get out of hand and destroy happiness and relationships.
Fear of failure often can be worse than failure itself. Failure is not the worst thing that
could happen to someone. People who don't try have failed before attempting. When
infants learn to walk, they keep falling; but to them it is not failing so they get up. If they
got disheartened, they would never walk. It is better to die on one's feet than to live with
fear on one's knees.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 53

14. Inability to Use Talent
Albert Einstein said, "I think I used about 25% of my intellectual capacity during my life."
According to William James, human beings use only 10-12% of their potential.
The saddest part of most people's lives is that they die with the music still in them. They
haven't lived while alive. They rust out rather than wear out. I would rather wear out than
rust out. The saddest words in life are "I should have".
Rusting out is not to be confused with patience. Rusting out is idleness and passivity.
Patience is a conscious decision, it is active and involves perseverance and
persistence.
Someone asked an elderly person, "What is life's heaviest burden?" The elderly person
replied sadly, "To have nothing to carry."
15. Lack of Discipline
Have you ever wondered why some people never reach their goals? Why they are
always frustrated with reversals and crises? Why is it some people have continued
success, while others have endless failures? Anyone who has accomplished anything
worthwhile has never done so without discipline, whether in sports, athletics, academia
or business.
People without discipline try to do everything, but commit themselves to nothing. Some
so-called liberal thinkers have interpreted lack of discipline as freedom. When I am in an
aircraft I want a pilot who is disciplined and does what he is supposed to do and not
what he feels like doing. I don't want him to have the philosophy, "I'm free. I don't want
anyone from the
* William James, MDRT Timeless Treasure, The Whole Person, p. 162.
control tower telling me what to do."
Lack of consistency is poor discipline. Discipline takes self-control, sacrifice, and
avoiding distractions and temptations. It means staying focused. Steam does not move
the engine unless it is confined. Niagara Falls would not generate power unless it were
harnessed.
We all know the story of the tortoise and the hare. The hare used to brag about his
speed and challenged the tortoise to a race. The tortoise accepted the challenge. They
appointed the fox as the judge who gave them the starting and finishing points. The
race started and the tortoise kept going steadily. The hare ran quickly, left the tortoise
behind and decided to take a nap since he was so confident he would win the race. By
the time he woke up, remembered the race and started running, he saw that the tortoise
had already reached the finish line and won.
Consistency takes discipline and is more important than erratic effort.
Discipline and regret are both painful. Most people have a choice between the two.
Guess which is more painful.
Generally children brought up with excessive freedom and a lack of discipline grow up
not respecting themselves, their parents or society, and have a hard time accepting

responsibility.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 54

16. Poor self-esteem
Poor self-esteem is a lack of self-respect and self-worth. It leads to abuse of one's self
and others. Ego takes the driver's seat. Decisions are taken more to satisfy the ego than
to accomplish anything worthwhile. People with low self-esteem are constantly looking
for identity. They are trying to find themselves. One's self is not to be found but to be
created.
Idleness and laziness are consequences of poor self esteem and so is making excuses.
Idleness is like rust that eats into the most brilliant metal.
17. Lack of Knowledge
The first step towards knowledge is awareness of areas of ignorance. The more
knowledge a person gets, the more he realizes what areas he is ignorant in. A person
who thinks he knows everything has the most to learn.
Ignorant people don't know they are ignorant. They don't know that they don't know. In
fact more than ignorance, the bigger problem is the illusion of knowledge, which can
mislead a person.
18. Fatalistic Attitude
A fatalistic attitude prevents people from accepting responsibility for their position in life.
They attribute success and failure to luck. They resign themselves to their fate. They
believe and accept the predestined future written in their horoscope or stars, that
regardless of their effort whatever has to happen will happen. Hence they never put in
any effort and complacency becomes a way of life. They wait for things to happen rather
than make them happen. Success is a matter of luck, ask any failure.
Weak-minded people fall easy prey to fortune-tellers, horoscopes and self-proclaimed
God's men who are sometimes conmen. They become superstitious and ritualistic.
Shallow people believe in luck. People with strength and determination believe in cause
and effect. Some people consider a rabbit's foot lucky; but it wasn't lucky for the rabbit,
was it?
Some People Think They are Just Unlucky
This breeds a fatalistic attitude. People who get involved halfheartedly say things like:
0♦"I will give it a try";
0♦"I will see if it works";
0♦"I will give it a shot";
0♦"I have nothing to lose";
0♦"I haven't put much into it anyway."
These people guarantee failure because they get into a project with no dedication or
determination. They lack courage, commitment and confidence. They are starting with
complacence and call themselves unlucky.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 55

A man bought a racehorse and put him in a barn with a big sign, "The fastest horse in
the world." The owner didn't exercise the horse nor train it to keep it in good shape. He
entered the horse in a race and it came last. The owner quickly changed the sign to
"The fastest world for the horse." By inaction or not doing what should be done, people
fail and they blame luck.
Effort Does it
Life without vision, courage and depth is simply a blind experience. Small, lazy, and
weak minds always take the easiest way, the path of least resistance.
Athletes train 15 years for 15 seconds of performance. Ask them if they got lucky. Ask
an athlete how he feels after a good workout. He will tell you that he feels spent. If he
doesn't feel that way, it means he hasn't worked out to his maximum ability.
Losers think life is unfair. They think only of their bad breaks. They don't consider that
the person who is prepared and playing well still got the same bad breaks but overcame
them. That is the difference. His threshold for tolerating pain becomes higher because in
the end he is not training so much for the game but for his character.
LUCK FAVORS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES
A flood was threatening a small town and everyone was leaving for safety except one
man who said, "God will save me. I have faith." As the water level rose a jeep came to
rescue him, the man refused, saying "God will save me. I have faith." As the water level
rose further, he went up to the second storey, and a boat came to help him. Again he
refused to go, Belying, "God will save me. I have faith." The water kept rising and the
man climbed on to the roof. A helicopter came to rescue him, but he said, "God will
save me. I have faith." Well, finally he drowned. When he reached his Maker he angrily
questioned, "I had complete faith in you. Why did you ignore my prayers and let me
drown?" The Lord replied, "Who do you think sent you the jeep, the boat, and the
helicopter?"
The only way to overcome the fatalistic attitude is to accept responsibility and believe in
the law of cause and effect rather than luck. It takes action, preparation and planning
rather than waiting, wondering or wishing, to accomplish anything in life.
Luck Shines on the Deserving
Alexander Graham Bell was desperately trying to invent a hearing aid for his partially
deaf wife. He failed at inventing a hearing aid but in the process discovered the
principles of the telephone. You wouldn't call someone like that lucky, would you?Good
luck is when opportunity meets preparation. Without effort and preparation, lucky
coincidences don't happen.
LUCK
He worked by day
And toiled by night.
He gave up play
And some delight.

Dry books he read,

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 56

New things to learn.
And forged ahead,
Success to earn. He
plodded on with Faith
and pluck; And when
he won, Men called it
luck.

--Anonymous
19. Lack of Purpose
If we read stories of people who overcame serious disabilities, it becomes evident that
their burning desire to succeed was their driving force. They had a purpose in life. They
wanted to prove to themselves that they could do it in spite of all odds--and they did.
Desire is what made a paralytic Wilma Rudolph the fastest woman on the track at the
1960 Olympics, winning three gold medals.
According to Glen Cunningham, "Desire is what made a boy with burnt legs set the
world record in the one mile run."
A polio victim at the age of five started swimming to regain strength. It was because of
her desire to succeed that she went on to become a world record holder at three events
and won the gold at the 1956 Olympics at Melbourne. Her name is Shelley Mann.
When people lack purpose and direction, they see no opportunity. If a person has the
desire to accomplish something, the direction to know his objective, the dedication to
stay focused, and the discipline required to put in the hard work, then other things come
easy. But if you don't have them, it doesn't matter what else you have.
Character is the foundation upon which all else is built. It endures.
20. Lack of Courage
Successful people are not looking for miracles or easy tasks. They seek courage and
strength to overcome obstacles. They look at what is left rather than what is lost.
Wishes don't come true; beliefs and expectations supported by conviction do.
Prayers are only answered when they are supported with courageous action. It is
courage and character that is the deadly combination for success. This is the difference
between the ordinary and the extraordinary.
When our minds are filled with courage we forget our fears and overcome obstacles.
Courage is not absence of fear but the overcoming of fear. Character (justice and
integrity) without courage is ineffective, whereas courage without character is
oppression.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 57

A RECIPE FOR SUCCESS
Success is like baking a cake. Unless you have just the right recipe, it is not going to
work. The ingredients must be of the finest quality and in the right proportions. You can't
overtake it or undercook it. Once you have the right recipe and with practice and the
occasional disaster, it becomes a lot easier.
What is the difference between persistence and obstinacy? The difference is that
persistence represents a strong will and obstinacy represents a strong won't.
You have the recipe. To use it is your choice.
A CRASH COURSE FOR SUCCESS
0♦Play to win and not to lose.
0♦Learn from other people's mistakes.
0♦Associate with people of high moral character.
0♦Give more than you get.
0♦Don't look for something for nothing.
0♦Always think long term.
0♦Evaluate your strengths and build on them.
0♦Always keep the larger picture in mind when making a decision.
0♦Never compromise your integrity.
ACTION PLAN
1. Come up with three suggestions how you can do your job better, faster, and more
effectively:
(a)
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
____________
(b)
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
____________
(c)
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
____________

2. Write down three ways you can use the success principles in each area of your life:

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 58

(a) Work
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
____________
(b) Home
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
____________
(a) Socially
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
____________
3. List the areas in your life where lack of discipline is hurting you. Estimate its cost
to you.
4. The next time you meet with adversity, stop and ask yourself these two
questions: What
can I learn from this challenge? How can I turn this lesson in life to my advantage?
5. Write your definition of success.
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
____________
6. Define your goals in life.
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
____________
Why are they important?
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
____________
7. Think back: Have your goals changed in the last 10 years? If yes, why?
___________________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________
____________

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 59

CHAPTER 3
MOTIVATION
Motivating yourself & others every day
I believe in two premises: (i) most people are good people, but can do better; and (ii)
most people already know what to do, so why aren't they doing it?
What is missing is the spark--motivation. Some self help books adopt the approach of
teaching what to do; we take a different approach. We ask, "Why don't you do it?" If you
ask people on the street what should be done, they will give you all the correct answers.
But ask them whether they are doing it and the answer will be no. What is lacking is
motivation. The greatest motivation comes from a person's belief system. That means
he needs to believe in what he does and accept responsibility. That is where motivation
becomes important. When people accept responsibility for their behavior and actions,
their attitude toward life becomes positive. They become more productive, personally
and professionally. Their relationships improve both at home and at work. Life becomes
more meaningful and fulfilled.
After a person's basic physical needs are met, emotional needs become a bigger
motivator. Every behavior comes out of the "pain or gain" principle. If the gain is greater
than the pain, that is the motivator. If the pain is greater than the gain, then that is a
deterrent.
Gains can be tangible, such as: monetary rewards, vacations, and gifts. They can be
intangible, such as: recognition, appreciation, sense of achievement, promotion, growth,
responsibility, sense of fulfillment, self worth, accomplishment, and belief.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INSPIRATION AND MOTIVATION?
I run seminars internationally and people often ask me if I can motivate others. My
answer is no, I cannot. People motivate themselves. What I can do, however, is inspire
them to motivate themselves. We can create a conducive environment which can be
motivating. In order to inspire people to motivate themselves, we need to understand
their needs and wants. There is a direct correlation between motivation and productivity.
People who do just enough to get by so they don't get fired will never be valuable to any
organization.
Inspiration is changing thinking; motivation is changing action.
Motivation is like fire unless you keep adding fuel to it, it dies. Just like exercise and food
don't last long, neither does motivation. However, if the source of motivation is belief in
inner values, it becomes long--lasting.
What is the greatest motivator? Is it money? Recognition? Improvement in our quality of
life? Acceptance by those we love? All these can be motivating forces.
Experience has shown that people will do a lot for money, more for a good leader, and
do most for a belief. We see this happening every day all over the world. People will die

for a belief. My objective is to share the fact that when we believe that we are
responsible for our lives and our behavior, our outlook toward life changes for the better.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 60

LET'S REDEFINE MOTIVATION
The next logical question is, what is motivation? Motivation is something that
encourages action or feeling. To motivate means to encourage and inspire. Motivation
can also mean to turn on or ignite the feeling or action.
Motivation is powerful. It can persuade, convince and propel you into action. In other
words, motivation can be defined as motive for action. It is a force that can literally
change your life.
Why do we need to get motivated?
Motivation is the driving force in our lives. It comes from a desire to succeed. Without
success there is little pride in life; no enjoyment or excitement at work and at home.
Often life becomes like a lopsided wheel giving a bumpy ride.
The greatest enemy of motivation is complacence. Complacence leads to frustration,
and when people are frustrated they give up because they cannot identify what is
important.
MOTIVATION--HOW DOES IT WORK?
Once you understand the principle that motivates the motivator, you can proceed to
achieve your goal and can motivate others too.
Your internal motivation is your drive and attitude. It is contagious. Attitude is the key to
getting the response you want from others. How does a person stay motivated and
focused? One important tool that has been used by athletes for a long time is called
auto-suggestion. Auto suggestions are positive statements made in the present tense
and repeated regularly. In other words it is positive self-talk.
Motivation is classified into two types: external and internal.
EXTERNAL MOTIVATION
External motivation comes from outside, such as money, societal approval, fame or fear.
Examples of external motivation are fear of getting spanked by parents and fear of
getting fired at work.
A company wanted to set up a pension plan. In order for the plan to be installed, it
needed 100% participation. Everyone signed up except John. The plan made sense
and was in the best interest of everyone. John not signing was the only obstacle. John's
supervisor and other co-workers had tried to persuade him without success.
The owner of the company called John into his office and said, "John, here is a pen and
these are the papers for you to sign to enroll into the pension plan. If you don't enroll,
you are fired this minute." John signed right away. The owner asked John why he hadn't
signed earlier. John replied, "No one explained the plan quite as clearly as you did."
Fear Motivation
The advantages of fear motivation are:
0♦It gets the job done quickly.
0♦It is instantaneous.
0♦It prevents loss, by meeting deadlines.

0♦In the short run the person's performance may improve.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 61

Performance Goes Up
It is not uncommon to see the prey outsmarting the predator, because one is running for
its food and the other for its life.
We learn from history that the pyramids were built by slaves. They had to be constantly
watched and reprimanded for nonperformance. The disadvantages of fear motivation
are:
0♦It is external, which means the motivation is there while the motivator is there. When
the motivator goes, the motivation also goes.
0♦It causes stress. Performance is limited to compliance.
0♦In the long run, performance goes down. It destroys creativity.
0♦They get used to the stick and then need a bigger stick.
A customer asked an employee, "When did you start working here?" He replied, "Ever
since they threatened to fire me."
Incentive Motivation
External motivation can also take the form of incentives, bonuses, commission,
recognition, etc.
What are the advantages of incentive motivation? The major advantage is that it can
work very well as long as the incentive is strong enough. Think of a donkey with a carrot
dangling in front and with a cart behind. Incentive motivation will only work if the donkey
is hungry enough, the carrot is sweet enough and the load is light enough. From time to
time, you have to let the donkey take a bite of the carrot; otherwise it is going to get
discouraged. After the donkey takes a bite, its stomach is full, and you need to wait for
the donkey to get hungry again before it will pull the cart. This is typically seen in our
business environment. The moment salespeople meet their quota, they stop working.
This is because their motivation is limited to meeting their quota. That is external, not
internal.
WE ARE ALL MOTIVATE EITHER POSITIVELY OR NEGATIVELY
When I was in Toronto, I heard a story of two brothers. One was a drug addict and a
drunk
who frequently beat up his family. The other one was a very successful businessman
who was respected in society and had a wonderful family. Some people wanted to find
out why two brothers from the same parents, brought up in the same environment,
could be so different.
The first one was asked, "How come you do what you do? You are a drug addict, a
drunk, and you beat your family. What motivates you?" He said, "My father." They
asked, "What about your father?" The reply was, "My father was a drug addict, a drunk
and he beat his family. What do you expect me to be? That is what I am."
They went to the brother who was doing everything right and asked him the same
question. "How come you are doing everything right? What is your source of
motivation?" And guess what he said? "My father. When I was a little boy, I used to see
my dad drunk and doing all the wrong things. I made up my mind that that is not what I

wanted to be." Both were deriving their strength and motivation from the same source,
but one was using it positively and the other negatively.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 62

Negative motivation brings the desire to take the easier way which ends up being the
tougher way.
DIFFERENT THINGS MOTIVATE DIFFERENT PEOPLE
Internal motivation comes from within, such as pride, a sense of achievement,
responsibility and belief.
There was a young boy who used to come for regular practice but always played in the
reserves and never made it to the soccer eleven. While he was practicing, his father
used to sit at the far end, waiting for him.
The matches had started and for four days, he didn't show up for practice or the quarter
or semifinals. All of a sudden he showed up for the finals, went to the coach and said,
"Coach, you have always kept me in the reserves and never let me play in the finals.
But today, please let me play." The coach said, "Son, I'm sorry, I can't let you. There are
better players than you and besides, it is the finals, the reputation of the school is at
stake and I cannot take a chance." The boy pleaded, "Coach, I promise I will not let you
down. I beg of you, please let me play." The coach had never seen the boy plead like
this before. He said, "OK, son, go, play. But remember, I am going against my better
judgment and the reputation of the school is at stake. Don't let me down."
The game started and the boy played like a house on fire. Every time he got the ball, he
shot a goal. Needless to say, he was the best player and the star of the game. His team
had a spectacular win.
When the game finished, the coach went up to him and said, "Son, how could I have
been so wrong in my life. I have never seen you play like this before. What happened?
How did you play so well?" The boy replied, "Coach, my father is watching me today."
The coach turned around and looked at the place where the boy's father used to sit.
There was no one there. He said, "Son, your father used to sit there when you came for
practice, but I don't see anyone there today." The boy replied, "Coach, there is
something I never told you. My father was blind. Just four days ago, he died. Today is
the first day he is watching me from above."
Internal Motivation
Internal motivation is the inner gratification, not for success or winning, but for the
fulfillment that comes from having done it. It is a feeling of accomplishment, rather than
just achieving a goal. Reaching an unworthy goal does not give the gratifying feeling.
Internal motivation is lasting, because it comes from within and translates into selfmotivation.
Motivation needs to be identified and constantly strengthened to succeed. Keep your
goals in front of you and read them morning and evening.
The two most important motivating factors are recognition and responsibility.
Recognition means being appreciated; being treated with respect and dignity; and
feeling a sense of belonging.
Responsibility gives a person a feeling of belonging and ownership. He then becomes
part of the bigger picture. Lack of responsibility can become demotivating.
Monetary rewards are temporary and short-lived; they are not gratifying in the long run.

In contrast, seeing an idea being implemented can be emotionally gratifying by

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 63

itself. People feel that they are not being treated like objects. They feel part of a
worthwhile team. The reward of doing the right thing by itself is motivating.
THE FOUR STAGES FROM MOTIVATION TO DEMOTIVATION
1. Motivated Ineffective
When is an employee most motivated in the cycle of employment? When he joins an
organization. Why? Because he wants to prove that by hiring him, the employer made
the right decision. He is motivated but because he is new to the environment, he does
not know what to do. So he is ineffective.
This is the stage when the employee is most open minded, receptive and easy to mold
to the culture of the organization. Training and orientation become imperative.
Unprofessional organizations have none or very poor orientation programs. The first day
on the job, the supervisor shows the new employee his place of work and tells him what
to do and leaves. He teaches all the bad along with the good that he is doing. The new
employee quickly learns all the mistakes the supervisor is making because that is what
he has been taught. The organization loses the opportunity to mold the individual to the
culture of that organization.
Professional organizations, on the other hand, take special care to induct people into
their organizations. They explain to them, among other things, the following:
0♦the hierarchy
0♦expectations of each other
0♦do's and donuts
0♦parameters and guidelines
0♦what is acceptable and what is not
0♦what are the resources
How can one expect performance unless expectations are made clear up front? If
induction and orientation are done well, many potential problems would not surface at
all.
2. Motivated Effective
This is the stage when the employee has learned what to do and does it with drive and
energy. He has learned the trade and it reflects in his performance. Then he moves on
to the next stage.
3. Demotivated Effective
After some time the motivation level goes down and the employee starts learning the
tricks of the trade. This is the stage when the employee is not motivated. He continues
doing just enough so that the employer has no reason to fire him but he is really not
motivated.

This stage is detrimental to growth--most people in organizations fall into this third
stage. A motivated professional learns the trade and leaves the tricks to cheats and

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 64

crooks, but a demotivated employee starts sabotaging the company. His performance is
marginal. He makes fun of the good performers. He rejects new ideas and spreads the
negativity all around.
Our objective is to bring them back to the second stage of motivated effective through
training. An employee ought not to stay in the third stage too long; because from here
either they move back to the second stage, which is being motivated and effective, or
they move into the fourth stage.
4. Demotivated Ineffective
At this stage, the employer does not have much choice but to fire the employee, which
may be the most appropriate thing to do anyway at this point.
Remember, employers want the same thing as employees do. They want to succeed
and improve business and if employees help in this objective, then they make
themselves valuable and achieve their own success.
DEMOTIVATING FACTORS
Some of the demotivators are:

0♦Unfair criticism
0♦Negative criticism
0♦Public humiliation
0♦Rewarding the non performer which can be demotivating for the performer
0♦Failure or fear of failure
0♦Success which leads to complacence
0♦Lack of direction
0♦Lack of measurable objectives
0♦Low self-esteem
0♦Lack of priorities
0♦Negative self-talk
0♦Office politics
0♦Unfair treatment
0♦Hypocrisy
0♦Poor standards
0♦Frequent change
0♦Responsibility without authority
A satisfied person is not necessarily a motivated person. Some people are satisfied with

very little. In this case, satisfaction may lead to complacence. Motivation comes from
excitement and excitement does not come unless there is full commitment.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 65

New methods of motivation will not work till the demotivating factors are removed. Many
times, just removing the demotivating factors can spark motivation.
Motivators
What we really want to accomplish is self-motivation, when people do things for their
own reasons and not yours. That is lasting motivation.
Remember, the greatest motivator is belief. We have to inculcate in ourselves the belief
that we are responsible for our actions and behavior. When people accept responsibility, everything improves: quality, productivity, relationships and teamwork.
A few steps to motivate others:

0♦Give recognition
0♦Give respect
0♦Make work interesting
0♦Be a good listener
0♦Throw a challenge
0♦Help but don't do for others what they should do for themselves
People do things for their own reasons, not yours. This is illustrated by a story about
Ralph Waldo Emerson. He and his son once were struggling to get a calf into the barn.
Both father and son were exhausted, pulling and pushing. A little girl was passing by
and she sweetly put her little finger into the calf's mouth and the calf lovingly followed
her to the barn.
ACTION PLAN
1. Develop a sense of pride through training.
2. Reward performance.
3. Set well-defined, clear goals.
4. Set high expectations.
4. Set clear, measurable benchmarks.
6. Evaluate the needs of others.
7. Make others part of your big picture. Set a good example by being a

positive role model.
Build the self-esteem of others.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 66

CHAPTER 4
SELF-ESTEEM
Building a positive self-esteem & image
A beggar was sitting at the train station with a bowl full of pencils. A young executive
passed by and dropped a dollar in the bowl. He then boarded the train. Before the
doors closed, something came to his mind and he went back to the beggar, grabbed a
bunch of pencils, and said, "They are priced right. After all you are a business person
and so am I," and he left.
Six months later, the executive attended a party. The beggar was also there in a suit
and tie. The beggar recognized the executive, went up to him and said, "You probably
don't recognize me but I remember you." He then narrated the incident that happened
six months before. The executive said, "Now that you have reminded me, I do recall that
you were begging. What are you doing here in your suit and tie?" The beggar replied,
"You probably don't know what you did for me that day. You were the first person in my
life who gave me back my dignity. You grabbed the bunch of pencils and said, 'They are
priced right. After all, you are a business person and so am 1.' After you left, I thought to
myself, what am I doing here? Why am I begging? I decided to do something
constructive with my life. I packed my bag, started working and here I am. I Just want to
thank you for giving me back my dignity. That incident changed my life."
What changed in the beggar's life?
What changed was that his self-esteem went up and so did his performance. This is the
magic of self-esteem in our lives.
Simply put, self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves. Our opinion of ourselves
critically influences everything, from our performance at work, our relationships, and our
role as a parent to our accomplishments in life. Self esteem is a major component in
determining success or failure. High self-esteem leads to a happy, gratifying and
purposeful life. Unless you perceive yourself as worthwhile, you cannot have high selfesteem. All great world leaders and teachers throughout history have concluded that
one must be internally driven in order to be a success.
We transfer our unconscious self-appraisal to others and they respond to us
accordingly.
People with high self-esteem grow in conviction, competence and willingness to accept
responsibility. They face life with optimism, have better relationships and fulfilling lives.
They are motivated and ambitious. They are more sensitive. Their performance and
risk-taking ability go up. They are open to new opportunities and challenges. They can
give and receive criticism and compliments, tactfully, and with ease.
Self-esteem is a feeling which comes from an awareness of what is good and having
done it.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 67

Self-Esteem is Our Self-Concept
There is a story about a farmer who planted pumpkins on his land. For no reason, he
put a small pumpkin, hanging by the vine into a glass jar.
At harvest time, he saw that the pumpkin had grown, equivalent only to the shape and
size of the jar. Just as the pumpkin could not grow beyond the boundaries restricting it,
human beings cannot perform beyond the boundaries of their self-concept, whatever it
may be.
SOME ADVANTAGES OF HIGH SELF-ESTEEM
There is a direct relationship between people's feelings and their productivity. High selfesteem is evident in respect for one's self, others, property, law, parents and one's
country. The reverse is also true.
Self-esteem :

0♦Builds strong conviction.
0♦Creates willingness to accept responsibility.
0♦Builds optimistic attitudes.
0♦Leads to better relationships and fulfilling lives.
0♦Makes a person more sensitive to others' needs and develop a caring attitude.
0♦Makes a person self-motivated and ambitious.
0♦Makes a person open to new opportunities and challenges.
0♦Improves performance and increases risk-taking ability.
0♦Helps a person give and receive both criticism and compliments tactfully and easily.
How do we recognize poor self-esteem? What are the behavior patterns of a person
with poor self-esteem? The following is a brief list, which is not all inclusive but is
indicative.
0♦They are generally gossip mongers.
0♦They have a critical nature. They criticize as if there is a contest going on and they
have to win a prize.
0♦They have high egos they are arrogant and believe they know it all.
People with low self-esteem are generally difficult to work with and for. They tear
down
others to get a feeling of superiority.
0♦They are closed minded and self-centered.
0♦They constantly make excuses--always justifying failures.

0♦They never accept responsibility--always blaming others.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 68

0♦They have a fatalistic attitude no initiative and always waiting for things to happen.
0♦They are jealous by nature.
0♦They are unwilling to accept positive criticism. They become defensive.
0♦They are bored and uncomfortable when alone.
0♦Poor self-esteem leads to breakdown in decency. People with low self-esteem don't
know where to draw the line--where decency stops and vulgarity starts. It is not
unusual for people to tell jokes at social get-togethers but with every drink, the jokes
get dirtier and dirtier.

♦ They don't have genuine friends because they are not genuine themselves. I
0♦They make promises they know they are not going to keep. A person with low selfesteem would promise the moon to make a sale. Unkept promises lead to loss of
credibility. A person with high self esteem would prefer loss of business than loss of
credibility because they realize that one cannot put a price on one's credibility.
0♦Their behavior is senseless and erratic. They swing from one end of the pendulum to
another. They may be all sugar and honey today but the same people may be out to
cut your throat tomorrow. They lack balance.
0♦They alienate people and tend to be lonely.
0♦They are touchy in nature--this is called the fragile ego. Anytime something is said, a
person with a fragile ego takes it personally and gets hurt. It leads to dejection.
What is the difference between being touchy and being sensitive? Touchiness is the
cactus approach; you touch me and I will hurt you. Being sensitive is the positive
approach, the caring approach. Many times the two are used interchangeably. People
say be careful when talking to so and so, he or she is very sensitive. What they are
really saying is that the person is touchy, so be careful.
0♦They have negative expectations of themselves and others and are seldom
disappointed.
0♦They lack confidence.
.1 They constantly seek approval and validation from others. Seeking approval
is different from seeking a second opinion, which really means consultation.
2. Bragging about themselves is also a sign of lack of confidence.
3. Submissive or timid behavior. These are people who constantly apologize for their
existence. They are always putting themselves down, which is different from being
humble. Humility comes from confidence whereas putting yourself down comes from
lack of it.
A person who lacks confidence cannot be an effective leader. Others sense this lack of
confidence, which results in a lack of respect.
4. Lack of assertiveness. People with low self esteem are not willing to stand up for their
belief. On the other hand, being unduly aggressive is also a sign of poor self-esteem.
Being aggressive in situations that require compassion does not amount to
assertiveness.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 69

5. A lack of confidence results in conformist behavior. If everybody is doing it, then so
should I. Every day we see people giving in to peer pressure, knowing full well what
they are doing could be detrimental yet they do it to be accepted. People with low
self-esteem go along to get along. They are looking for outside validation because
they lack confidence in themselves.
6. Keeping up with the Joneses--pretense
When people try to keep up with the Joneses, they spend money they haven't earned,
they buy things they don't need, and they try to impress people they don't like.
7. Nonconformist or attention-seeking behavior.
In order to gain attention, people with poor self esteem might do senseless things just to
stand out and be noticed. They get a kick and a sense of importance from perversion.
Some people choose to do wrong and be wrong just to be deferent and gain attention.
Examples are people who brag excessively, the classroom clown, etc.
0♦They are indecisive and do not accept responsibility. Lack of courage and fear of
criticism lead to indecisive behavior.
0♦They rebel against authority. I make a distinction between rebelling out of the courage
of one's convictions and rebelling because of poor self esteem. All the great world
leaders, such as Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln, were
rebels. They rebel against authority out of the courage of their convictions; a person
with low self-esteem rebels against authority just because it is authority, even when
the authority is right.
0♦They are anti-social and may be withdrawn.
0♦They lack a sense of direction and have an "I don't care" attitude which is reflected in
their behavior. They have a hard time giving or receiving compliments. In giving, they
feel they might be misconstrued and in receiving they feel they are undeserving.
Feeling unworthy is not humility.
0♦Too much emphasis on material things
People with poor self-esteem judge a person's worth by his possessions, not by who he
is. They constantly look at what kind of car you are driving, what kind of home you live
in, what kind of clothes and jewelry you wear. They forget that people make things, and
not vice versa. People with poor self esteem place more emphasis on net worth than
self worth. Their lives revolve around ads and fads. Designer labels are their status
symbols. Take away their things and they will die of shame. They get into a rat race.
"The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat."*
0♦Lack of pride in themselves--they are shabbily dressed and uncouth.
0♦They are takers, not givers.
Low self-esteem could lead to extremes of behavior. A person with high self-esteem
could choose identical behavior for different reasons: He may be alone because he
prefers solitude, whereas a person with low self-esteem prefers to be alone because he

is uncomfortable in groups.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 70

Some characteristics of people with:
High Self-Esteem

Low Self-Esteem

Talk about ideas

Talk about people

Caring attitude

Critical attitude

Humility

Arrogance

Respects authority

Rebels against authority

Courage of conviction

Goes along to get along

Confidence

Confusion

Concerned about character

Concerned about reputation

Assertive

Aggressive

Accepts responsibility

Blames the whole world

Self-interest

Selfish

Optimistic

Fatalistic

Understanding

Greedy

Willing to learn

Know it all

Sensitive

Touchy

Solitude

Lonely

Discuss

Argue

Believes in self-worth

Believes in net worth only

Guided

Misguided

Discipline

Distorted sense of freedom

Internally driven

Externally driven

Respects others

Looks down on others

Enjoys decency

Enjoys vulgarity

Knows limit

Everything goes

Giver

Taker

The objective of this list is to provide a basis for self evaluation rather than produce
guilt. It is not necessary to have all the traits. Some characteristics may be present to a
greater or lesser degree. So long as we are able to recognize them, we can make an
effort to correct ourselves.
THEY PUT ON A MASK

A young executive with poor self-esteem was promoted but he couldn't reconcile
himself to his new office and position. There was a knock at his door. To show how
important and busy he was, he picked up the phone and then asked the visitor to

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 71

come in. As the man waited for the executive, the executive kept talking on the phone,
nodding and saying, "No problem, I can handle that." After a few minutes he hung up
and asked the visitor what he could do for him. The man replied, "Sir, I'm here to
connect your phone."
What is the Message?
Why pretend? What are we trying to prove? What do we want to accomplish? Why do
we need to lie? Why look for feelings of false importance? All of this comes from
insecurity and poor self-esteem.
Why Pretend?
Our character can be judged by everything we do or don't do, like or don't like, such as:
0♦The kind of movies we enjoy.
0♦The kind of music we listen to.
0♦The kind of company we keep or avoid.
0♦The kind of jokes we tell or laugh at.
0♦The kind of books we read.
Every action of ours gives us away anyway, so why pretend? I believe that if a person
lives with conviction, sensitivity and cooperation, he can move others with his effort.
That person becomes worthy of self-respect.

Positive Self-Esteem

Negative SelfEsteem

1. self-respect

self-put down

2. self-confidence

self-doubt

3. self-worth

self-abuse

4. self-acceptance

self-denial

5. self-love

self-centered Ness

6. self-knowledge

self-deceit

7. self-discipline

self-indulgence

Self-esteem does not mean having a big ego. Unless a person is at peace with himself,
he cannot be at peace with others. Just as we cannot give to others what we don't have.
Unless we possess the components of self esteem, we cannot share it with others. We
need to first get in touch with ourselves and put ourselves in order.
Even in an aircraft, the safety instructions tell you to put on an oxygen mask on yourself
first and then on your child. We are not talking about selfishness.

Self-esteem can be defined as the way we feel about ourselves. Self-image is the way
we see ourselves. When we feel good, our productivity goes up.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 72

CAUSES OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM
We start forming our self-esteem, positive or negative, from the day we are born. We
develop feelings about ourselves that are reinforced by others.
Negative Self-Talk or Negative Auto-Suggestions
This is when we say to ourselves, consciously or unconsciously, statements such as:

0♦I have a poor memory.
0♦I'm not good at math.
0♦I'm not an athlete.
0♦I'm tired.
Such statements only reinforce the negative and put ourselves down. Very soon our
mind starts believing these statements and our behavior changes accordingly. They
become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Environment
Home
The greatest thing that a parent can give to his children are roots. The best part of a
family tree is the roots. Noticing a little girl's courteous and polite behavior, the teacher
asked, "Who taught you to be so courteous and polite?" The girl replied, "No one. It just
runs in our family."
Upbringing
"Fellow citizens, why do you turn and scrap every stone to gather wealth and to take so
little care of your children to whom one day, you must relinquish it all?"*
In order for our children to turn out well, we need to spend twice the time and half the
money. It is less painful to learn in youth than be ignorant as an adult.
Parents with high self-esteem breed confidence and high self-esteem in their children
by giving them positive concepts, beliefs, and values. The reverse is also true.
It is a great heritage to have honest parents. Parents who participate in crooked
business deals unfortunately set bad examples for their future generations.
A strong role model or mentor could be a parent, relative or teacher who is held in high
regard. During their formative years, children look up to adults in positions of influence.
Even as adults, we look to our supervisors and managers as role models.

* Socrates

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 73

LITTLE EYES UPON YOU**
There are little eyes upon you
and they're watching night and day.
There are little ears that quickly take
in every word you say.
There are little hands all eager to
do anything you do;
And a little boy who's dreaming of
the day he'll be like you.
You're the little fellow's idol,
you're the wisest of the wise. In
his little mind about you no
suspicions ever rise.
He believes in you devoutly, holds all
that you say and do; He will say and
do, in your way, when he's grown up
like you. There's a wide-eyed little
fellow who believes you're always
right; And his eyes are always
opened, and he watches day and
night.
You are setting an example
every day in all you do,

For the little boy who's waiting to
grow up to be like you.
BUILDING CONFIDENCE
A young couple used to leave their daughter at a day-care center every day before
going
to work. As they parted company, the parents and child kissed each other's hands and
then put the kisses in their pockets. All during the day when the little girl got lonely she
would take out a kiss and put it on her cheek. This little routine made them feel together
even though they were physically apart. What a wonderful thought.

What Makes a Child a Delinquent?

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 74

0♦Teach him to put a price tag on everything and he will put his integrity for sale.
0♦Teach him never to take a stand and then he will fall for anything.
0**From The Moral Compass, edited by William J. Bermett, Simon 8~
Schuster, New York, 1995, pp. 52~24.
0♦Make him believe that winning is not everything. It is the only thing and he will make
every effort to win by hook or by crook.
0♦Give a child everything he wants right from infancy and he will grow up believing that
the world owes him a living and everything will be handed to him on a platter.
0♦When he picks up bad language, laugh at him. This will make him think he is cute.
0♦Don't ever give him any moral or ethical values. Wait until he is 21 and let him
"determine his own."
0♦Give him choices without direction. Never teach him that every choice has a
consequence.
0♦Never tell him he is wrong, he might develop a complex. This will condition him to
believe that society is against him when he gets arrested for doing something wrong.
0♦Always pick up things that he leaves lying around--books, shoes, clothes, etc. Do
everything for him so that he will learn to push all responsibilities onto others.
0♦Let him read, watch and hear anything he wants. Be careful what he feeds his body,
but let his mind feed on garbage.
0♦In order to be popular with his peers, he must go along to get along.
0♦Quarrel frequently when he is present. This way he won't be surprised when things
fall apart at home.
0♦Give him as much money as he wants. Never teach him respect for or the value of
money. Make sure he does not have things as tough as you did.
0♦Provide instant gratification for all sensual desires such as food, drink, comfort.
Deprivation can cause frustration.
0♦Side with him against neighbors, teachers, etc., as they are prejudiced against him.
0♦When he gets into real trouble, excuse yourself by saying, "I tried my best but could
never do anything with him."
0♦Don't put your foot down because you believe discipline takes away freedom.
0♦Prefer remote control to parental control in order to teach independence.
0♦What children get, they give to society.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 75

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If
a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a
child lives with hostility, he learns tonight.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a
child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence. If a
child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. If
a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith. If
a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
he learns to find love in the world.
Education
Being ignorant is not shameful, but being unwilling to learn is. Role models can teach
through example. Children who are taught the importance of integrity during their
formative years generally don't lose it. It becomes a part of life, which is what we are
looking for in any profession, whether in a contractor, attorney, accountant, politicians
police officer, or judge. Integrity is a lot stronger than honesty. In fact, it is the foundation
of honesty.
Youths are impressionable. When they see their mentors--such as parents, teachers, or
political leaders--cheating with pride or bragging about petty dishonesty such as stealing
a towel in a hotel or cutlery from the restaurants, the following happens:
0♦They are disappointed.
0♦They lose respect for their mentors.
0♦Constant exposure breeds acceptance in them.
POOR ROLE MODELS
A schoolteacher asked a little boy what his father did for a living. The boy replied,
"I'm not sure, but I guess he makes pens, pencils, light bulbs, toilet rolls, etc., because
that is what he brings home every day in his lunch box."
Making Unfair Comparison
Fair comparisons are OK but unfair comparisons make a person feel inferior.
Comparison basically brings out the competitive spirit to outperform the next person.
People with high self-esteem don't compete with others; instead, they improve their own

performance. They compete against themselves. They compare their performance
against their capabilities.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 76

Failure or Success: A Ripple Effect
There is a lot of truth in the statement, "success breeds success and failure breeds
failure." In sports, we often see that whenever the champion's morale is low--and it does
get low at some point--the coach will never put him up against a good fighter because if
he suffers one more defeat, his self-esteem will go even lower. To bring his selfconfidence back, the coach pits him against a weak opponent, and that victory raises
his self-esteem. A slightly stronger opponent is next and that victory brings up the level
of confidence, and on and on until the day comes when the champion is ready to face
the ultimate challenge.
With every success, self-confidence goes up and it is easier to succeed the next time.
For this reason, any good leader, be it a parent, teacher or supervisor, would start a
child off with easy tasks. With every successful completion, the child's level of
confidence and self-esteem go up. Add to that positive strokes of encouragement, and
this will start solidifying positive self-esteem. Our responsibility is to help break the chain
of failure and put ourselves and our children into the chain of success.
Confusing Failing with Failure
When people fail in any particular event, most get so disheartened that they start
looking at themselves as failures, not realizing that failing does not equal failure. I might
have failed but I am not a failure. I may be fooled but I am not a fool.
Unrealistic Expectations of Perfection by Parents, Teachers and Supervisors
Suppose a child comes home with a report card with five As and one B. Usually the first
thing his parents will say is, "Why the B?" What do you think will go through the child's
mind? Did he try for the B? Or should his parents congratulate the child for the B and
accept a lower standard? Not at all.
What the child is really looking for is acknowledgement and encouragement for the
effort in getting the five A's. A parent, after acknowledging and praising the As, can
make clear his expectations of seeing all six A's and offer help if needed. If we lower our
standards, the chances are pretty good that the performance next time would drop to
those expectations.
Similarly at work, an employee does 100 things right and one thing wrong. Guess what
the boss picks on. Acknowledge the positive but don't lower your standards.
Lack of Discipline
What is Discipline?
Is it absolute freedom to do what a person wants? Is freedom regardless of
consequences? Does it mean corrective action after a problem occurs or a wrong is
done? Is it imposition? Is it abuse? Does it take away freedom?
The answer is none of the above. Discipline does not mean that a person takes a belt
and beats up kids. That is madness. Discipline is loving firmness. It is direction.
It is prevention before a problem arises. It is harnessing and channeling energy for great
performance. Discipline is not something you do to but you do for those you care about.
Discipline is an act of love. Sometimes you have to be unkind to be kind: Not all
medicine is sweet, not all surgery is painless, but we have to take it. We need to leam

from nature. We are all familiar with that big animal, the giraffe. A mama giraffe

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 77

gives birth to a baby giraffe, standing. All of a sudden, the baby falls on a hard surface
from the cushion of mama's womb, and sits on the ground. The first thing mama does is
to get behind the baby and give him a hard kick. The baby gets up, but his legs are
weak and wobbly and the baby falls down. Mama goes behind again and gives him one
more kick. The baby gets up but sits down again. Mama keeps kicking till the baby gets
on its feet and starts moving. Why? Because mama knows that the only chance of
survival for the baby in the jungle is to get on its feet. Otherwise it will be eaten up by
wildcats and become dead meat.
My question to you is: Is this an act of love? You bet it is.
Children brought up in a loving, disciplined environment end up respecting their parents
more and become law-abiding citizens.
The reverse is just as true.
If discipline is practiced in every home, juvenile delinquency would be reduced by 95%.
--J. Edgar Hoover
Good parents are not afraid of momentary dislikes by children to enforce the subject.
Discipline Gives Freedom
Allowing a child to eat a box of chocolate could lead to sickness. At the same time, the
discipline of eating one or two pieces a day can be an enjoyable experience for a longer
time.
Our instinct makes us do whatever we want regardless of the consequences.
Freedom is not procured by a full enjoyment of what is desired but controlling the
desire.
--Epictetus
There is a misconception that freedom means doing your own thing. One cannot always
have what one desires. Many times it is not easy to comprehend the benefits of good
values and discipline. It may even seem more profitable, enjoyable and convenient to
do otherwise. All we need to do is see countless instances where lack of discipline has
prevented people from succeeding. What we think is pulling us down is really taking us
up. That is what discipline is all about.
A boy was flying a kite with his father and asked him what kept the kite up. Dad replied,
"The string." The boy said, "Dad, it is the string that is holding the kite down."
The father asked his son to watch as he broke the string.
Guess what happened to the kite? It came down. Isn't that true in life? Sometimes the
very things that we think are holding us down are the things that are helping us fly. That

is what discipline is all about.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 78

I Want to Be Free
We hear this phrase all the time: "I want to be free." If you take the train off the track, it
is free, but where does it go? If everyone could make their own traffic Iaws and drive on
any side of the road would you call that freedom or chaos? What is missing is discipline.
By observing the rule, we are actually gaining freedom, aren't we?
It is Loving Firmness
I have asked this question to many participants in my seminars: "If your child had a
fever of 105degF and did not want to go to the doctor, what would you do?" Invariably
they said they would get medical help even if the child resisted. Why? Because it is in
the best interest of the child.
Parenting is Not a Popularity Contest
A judge, when sentencing a man for robbery, asked if he had anything to say. The man
replied, "Yes, your honor. Please sentence my parents to jail also." The judge asked,
"Why?" The prisoner answered, "When I was a little boy, I stole a pencil from school.
My parents knew about it but never said a word. Then I stole a pen. They knowingly
ignored it. I continued to steal many other things from the school and the neighborhood
till it became an obsession. They knew about it, yet they never said a word. If anyone
belongs in jail with me, they do."
He is right. In not discharging their responsibilities, his parents are also to blame
although it does not absolve him of his responsibility.
Giving choices to children is important, but choices without direction result in disaster.
Complete mental and physical preparation is the result of sacrifice and self discipline.
Parents spend an average of 15 minutes a week in "meaningful dialog" with their
children--children who are left to glean whatever values they can from peers and TV.
--Journal of the American Family Association

Ask yourself: Without discipline,

0♦can a captain run a ship effectively?
0♦can an athlete win a game?
0♦can a violinist play well at a concert?
The answer is, "Of course not." Why then do we question today, in matters of personal
conduct, or to achieve any standard, if discipline is necessary? It is absolutely

necessary.
Today the philosophy is: "If it feels good, do it."

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 79

I have heard parents innocently saying, "I don't care what my kids do so long as it
makes them happy. That is all that matters." I ask them, "Wouldn't you want to know
what makes them happy?" If beating people up on the streets and taking their things
away are what make them happy, there is a word in the English language for them, it is
called "perversion."
How and where we derive our happiness from is just as important as the happiness
itself. It is a result of our values, discipline and responsibility.
We keep hearing "do what you like." The reverse is just as true. Like what you do. Many
times we need to do what ought to be done whether we like it or not.
A mother comes home after a long day's work, takes care of the household chores,
looks after the baby and goes to sleep exhausted. In the middle of the night the baby
cries. Does mama feel like getting up? No, but she gets up anyway. Why? For three
reasons:
0♦Love
0♦Duty
0♦Responsibility
We cannot live our lives by emotions alone. We need to add discipline, no matter what
age we are. Winning in life comes when we do not succumb to what we want to do but
do what ought to be done. That requires discipline.
Labeling and Put-Downs By Parents, Teachers and Supervisors
Have you heard some parents playfully or affectionately calling their kids "dummy" and
"stupid"? Labels stick for life. When the kids grow up they will be sure to prove the
parents right. Labels do not only stick for life but for generations. The caste system in
India is a prime example of how labeling can hurt. Upper caste or lower caste, "If it is
not a label, what is it?"
Common put-downs parents say to their kids are:

0♦You are dumb.
0♦You never do anything right.
0♦You will never amount to anything.
Teaching the Right Values
Many times, inadvertently and innocently, we end up teaching wrong values within our
families and organizations. For example, we tell our children or staff to lie for us.
0♦Tell them I am not here.
0♦The check is in the mail.

We all look to our parents, teachers and supervisors to teach us integrity. And many
times we are disappointed. Practicing these petty lies turns a person into a

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 80

professional liar. When we teach others to lie for us, a day will come when they will lie to
us too. For example, a secretary calls in sick when she really wants to go shopping.
Maybe the boss gave her enough practice lying for him that she has become an expert
in lying to him.
STEPS TO BUILDING A POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM
Turn Scars into Stars
Read the life histories of people who have turned a negative into a positive, adversity
into advantage, stumbling blocks into stepping stones. They refuse to let
disappointment and failures pull them down.
Some of the best music was composed by Beethoven. What was his handicap? He was
deaf. Some of the best poetry written on nature was written by Milton. What was his
handicap? He was blind. One of the greatest world leaders was US President Franklin
D. Roosevelt. What was his handicap? He served from a wheelchair.
THE WILMA RUDOLPH STORY *
Wilma Rudolph was born into a poor home in Tennessee. At age four, she had double
pneumonia with scarlet fever, a deadly combination which left her paralyzed with polio.
She had to wear a brace and the doctor said she would never put her foot on the earth.
But her mother encouraged her; she told Wilma that with God-given ability, persistence
and faith she could do anything she wanted. Wilma said, "I want to be the fastest
woman on the track on this earth." At the age of nine, against the advice of the doctors,
she removed the brace and took the first step the doctors had said she never would. At
the age of 13, she entered her first race and came way, way last. And then she entered
her second, and third and fourth and came way, way last until a day came when she
came in first.
At the age of 15 she went to Tennessee State University where she met a coach by the
name of Ed Temple. She told him, "I want to be the fastest woman on the track on this
earth." Temple said, "With your spirit nobody can stop you and besides, I will help you."
The day came when she was at the Olympics and at the Olympics you are matched
with the best of the best. Wilma was matched against a woman named Jutta Heine who
had never been beaten. The first event was the 100-meter race. Wilma beat
Jutta Heine and won her first gold medal. The second event was the 200- meter race
and Wilma beat Jutta a second time and won her second gold medal. The third event
was the 400-meter relay and she was racing against Jutta one more time. In the relay,
the fastest person always runs the last lap and they both anchored their teams. The first
three people ran and changed the baton easily. When it came to Wilma's turn, she
dropped the baton. But Wilma saw Jutta shoot up at the other end; she picked the
baton, ran like a machine, beat Jutta a third time and won her third gold medal. It
became history: That a paralytic woman became the fastest woman on this earth at the
1960 Olympics.
*Adapted from Star Ledger, November 13, 1994.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 81

What a lesson to be learnt from Wilma. It teaches us that successful people do it in spite
of, not in absence of, problems.
When we hear or read stories of people who have turned adversity into opportunity,
doesn't it motivate us? If we regularly read biographies and autobiographies of such
people, won't we stay motivated?
Learn Intelligent Ignorance
Education teaches us what we can do and also teaches us what we cannot do.
I'm looking for a lot of men with an infinite capacity for not knowing what cannot be
done.
--Henry Ford
Henry Ford gave this world the V8 engine. He did not have much formal education. In
fact, he did not go to school beyond the age of 14. He was intelligent enough to know
there had to be a V8 engine but he was ignorant and didn't know how to build it. So he
asked all his
highly qualified, educated people to build one. But they told him what could be done
and what couldn't. According to them, a V8 was an impossibility. But Henry Ford
insisted on having his V8. A few months later he asked his people if they had the V8
and they replied, "We know what can be done and we also know what cannot be done
and V8 is an impossibility." This went on for many months and still Henry Ford said, "I
want my V8." And shortly thereafter the same people produced his V8 engine.
How come? They let their imagination run beyond academic limitation. Education
teaches us what can be done and sometimes also teaches us false limitations.
THE BUMBLEBEE
We need to learn from nature. According to scientists, the bumblebee's body is too
heavy
and its wing span too small. Aerodynamically, the bumblebee cannot fly. But the
bumblebee doesn't know that and it keeps flying.
When you don't know your limitations, you go out and surprise yourself. In hindsight,
you wonder if you had any limitations. The only limitations a person has are those that
are self-imposed. Don't let education put limitations on you.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 82

Do Something for Others Who Cannot Repay
You in Cash or Kind
Dr. Karl Menninger, a world-renowned psychiatrist, was once asked, "What would you
advise someone if you knew that person was going to have a nervous breakdown?"
The audience expected Dr. Menninger to advise consulting a professional. But he
didn't. He said, "I would advise that person to lock home, go to the other side of town,
find someone in need and help that person. By doing that we get out of our own way." A
lot of times we get in our own way, don't we?
Be a volunteer. It builds self-worth. Helping others as you would expect others to help
you gives a feeling of gratification. It is a good feeling which represents high selfesteem. The process of giving without having expectations or getting anything in return
raises one's self esteem.
A healthy personality has the need not only to get but also to give.
Learn to Give and Receive Compliments
Don't miss out on any opportunity to give sincere compliments. Remember, the key
word is sincerity. When others give you a compliment, accept it graciously and
gracefully with two words, "Thank you." That is a sign of humility.
Accept Responsibility
We need to accept responsibility for our behavior and our actions and insulate
ourselves from excuses. Don't be like the student who failed just because he didn't like
the teacher or the subject. Who is he hurting the most? We have to accept responsibility
and stop blaming others, then, and only then, will productivity and quality of life improve.
Our privileges can be no greater than our obligations. The protection of our rights can
endure no longer than the performance of our responsibilities.
-John F. Kennedy
Excuses make the problem worse than the problem itself. We owe responsibility

0♦to self
0♦to family
0♦to work
0♦to society
0♦environment
We can add to the greenery by planting trees, stopping soil erosion, preserving natural

beauty.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 83

We cannot live as if we have another earth we can move to. On a daily basis, we need
to do something that makes this world a better place to live. We are custodians for the
future generations. If we do not behave responsibly, how can future generations forgive
us?
If the average life expectancy of a person is 75 years and if you are 40 years old, you
have 365 days x 35 years, to live. Ask yourself this question: What are you going to do
with this time? When we accept or add responsibility, we make ourselves more
valuable. Don't we?
Self-discipline does not kill joy but builds it. You see people with talent and ability, and
yet they are unsuccessful. They are frustrated and the same behavior pattern affects
their business, their health, and their relationships with others. They are dissatisfied and
blame it on luck without realizing that many problems are caused by lack of discipline.
Set Goals
Well-defined goals give a person a sense of direction, a feeling of accomplishment
when he reaches his goals. More important than goals is a sense of purpose and vision.
It gives meaning and fulfillment to life.
What we get upon achieving our goals is a lot less important than what we become. It is
the becoming which gives us a good feeling. That is what self-esteem is all about.
In goal-setting, we need to be realistic. Unrealistic goals remain unaccomplished,
leading to poor self-esteem, whereas realistic goals are encouraging and build high selfesteem.
Associate with People of High Moral Character
Associate yourself with people of good quality if you esteem your reputation for it is
better to be alone than to be in bad company.
George Washington
Test of Friendship
Negative influences come in the form of peer pressure. People say, "Aren't you my
friend?" Remember, true friends never want to see their friends hurt.
If I ever saw that a friend had had one drink too many, I would put my foot down and not
let him drive. I would rather lose the friendship than lose a friend.
It is common to see people doing wrong things to get accepted, saying, "it is cool," not
realizing they will be left cold.
What starts as peer pressure may be in reality a test of friendship. Where will they be
when you are in trouble? How far will they go to help you? And the biggest question is: If
they don't have the character today, how will they have the character tomorrow to help
you? Associating with people of high moral character helps build self esteem.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 84

Peer Pressure
When the desire to belong to the herd becomes stronger than the desire to stand up for
what is right, it is evident that what is lacking is courage and character. It is less
controversial. Going along to get along is a safer way, keeps one's peers happy and one
does not risk being laughed at. That is where people with high self-esteem draw the
line. That is what separates the men from the boys.
Examples:

0♦School kids conform because they do not want to be laughed at.
0♦They don't give the answers because others will make fun of them.
0♦Factory workers keep performance low to keep peers happy.
Moderation
Many people say, "In moderation, it is OK. I try a little and quit." The question is, "In
moderation, is it really okay?"
0♦to cheat?
0♦to steal?
0♦to take drugs?
0♦to lie?
0♦to have illicit affairs?
Some people frequently rationalize, "I can quit whenever I want." They don't realize that
negative influences are more powerful than will-power.
Become Internally Driven, Not Externally Driven
One day, if someone gets up on the right side of the bed and calls me and says, "You
are the greatest person on earth. You are doing a great job and I want you to know I am
honored to call you a friend," I know he is sincere. How does it make me feel? Great.
But the next day, he gets up on the wrong side of the bed, picks up the phone and says,
"You rascal, you cheat, you crook! You are the biggest fraud in town." How does it make
me feel? Terrible.
So the first day when he says "you are the greatest guy," I feel great and the next day
when he says "you rascal," I feel terrible. Who is controlling my life? Obviously, he is. Is
that the way I want to go through life? Not at all. That is being externally driven.
I want to be internally driven. When he calls me and says I am the greatest guy, it is
good to hear those words. But even if he doesn't say those words, in my own
estimation, I am still a good human being. And the next day when he rips me apart, he
can't really, because in my own estimation, I am still a good human being. When people
make statements like, "You make me angry," the focus of control is external.
But if I say I am angry or I choose to be angry, the focus of control is internal.
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

--Eleanor Roosevelt

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 85

There is a story about an ancient Indian sage who was called ugly names by a
passerby. The sage listened unperturbed till the man ran out of words. He asked the
man, "If an offering is not accepted, who does it belong to?" The man replied, "It
belongs to the person who offered it." The sage said, "I refuse to accept your offering,"
and walked away, leaving the man dazed. The sage was internally driven.
So long as we blame outside sources, our miseries will continue and we will feel
helpless. Unless we accept responsibility for our feelings and behavior, we cannot
change. The first step is to ask:
0♦Why did I get upset?
0♦Why am I angry?
0♦Why am I depressed?
Then we start getting the clues to overcome them.
Happiness is a result of positive self-esteem. If you ask people what makes them happy,
you will get all kinds of answer. Most of them would include material things but that is
not really true. Happiness comes from being and not having. One can have everything
in life and yet not be happy. The reverse is also true.
Happiness is internal. Happiness is like a butterfly. You run after it, it keeps flying away.
If you stand still, it comes and sits on your shoulder.
Develop a Mindset That Brings Happiness
Bitterness is a sign of emotional failure. It paralyzes our capacity to do good. Set your
own standards. Be honest to yourself. Compete against yourself. Do the following:
0♦Look for the positive in every person and in every situation.
0♦Resolve to be happy.
0♦Set your own standards judiciously.
0♦Develop an immunity to negative criticism.
0♦Learn to find pleasure in every little thing.
0♦Remember all times are not the same. Ups and downs are part of life.
0♦Make the best of every situation.
0♦Keep yourself constructively occupied.
0♦Help others less fortunate than yourself.
0♦Learn to get over things. Don't brood.
0♦Forgive yourself and others. Don't hold guilt or bear grudges.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 86

Give Yourself Positive Auto-Suggestions
Develop the habit of giving yourself positive self-talk. Auto-suggestions alter our belief
system by influencing the subconscious mind. Our behavior reflects our belief system.
Hence auto-suggestions affect our behavior by influencing our belief system. It
becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Examples:
0♦I can handle it.
0♦I can do it.
0♦I am good at math.
0♦I have a good memory.
Our Greatest Strength Can Become Our Greatest Weakness
Any strength overextended becomes a weakness. For example, in sales, good speaking
ability is a strength. It is not uncommon to see salespeople with good speaking ability
talk themselves into a sale, then talk too much and talk themselves right out of the sale.
Their strength got them into it; however, overextended, it became a weakness and they
lost the sale. Listening is a strength. Overextended, however, it could mean that a
person listens a lot but does not speak enough. It becomes a weakness.
Our Greatest Weakness Can Become Our Greatest Strength
Anger is a weakness. How can it be turned into a strength? One lady demonstrated by
getting MADD! MADD stands for Mothers Against Drunk Driving. This lady lost her child
because of a drunk driver. She got so angry that she resolved not to tolerate this kind of
thing in society. She organized people all over the United States to fight drunk driving.
Today she and her association have become a significant force, with thousands of
members, and are succeeding in their pursuit to change legislation in Congress. That is
turning a negative emotion, like anger, into a strength by doing positive.
Have Patience
A lot of times we hear people saying that one exposure to a positive or a negative
material does not have any impact. That is not true. The difference may not be visible
but something is happening.
In China there is a bamboo tree which is planted, watered and fertilized for the first four
years and nothing happens. There is no visible sign of growth. But sometime during the
fifth year, the bamboo tree grows about 90 feet in six weeks. The question is: Did the
bamboo tree grow in six weeks or did it take five years to grow even though there was
no visible sign it was taking root in the ground? When there was no visible sign, if
someone had stopped watering and fertilizing it, would this have happened? Certainly
not. The bamboo tree would have died. We need to learn from nature and the lesson is
pretty clear. Have patience and faith and keep doing the right thing. Even though the
results may not be visible, something is happening.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 87

Take Inventory: Make a List of All Your
Strengths and Weaknesses
Successful people realize their limitations but build on their strengths. Unless we know
these things, how can we build on them? Focus on what you want to do and be, rather
than what you don't.
STRENGTHS

WEAKNESSES

The crux of self-esteem cannot be expressed better than the following words by
Abraham Lincoln.
WORLD, MY SON STARTS SCHOOL TODAY!*
World, take my child by the hand--he starts school today!
It is all going to be strange and new to him for a while, and I wish you would sort of treat
him gently. You see, up to now, he has been king of the roost. He has been the boss of
the backyard. I have always been around to repair his wounds, and I have always been
handy to soothe his feelings.
But now things are going to be different. This morning he is going to walk down the front
steps, wave his hand, and start on a great adventure that probably will include wars and
tragedy and sorrow.
To live in this world will require faith and love and courage. So, World, I wish you would
sort of take him by his young hand and teach him the things he will have to know. Teach
him-but gently, if you can.
He will have to learn, I know, that all people are not just that all men and women are not
true. Teach him that for every scoundrel, there is a hero; that for every enemy, there is a
friend. Let him learn early that the bullies are the easiest people to lick.
Teach him the wonder of books. Give him quiet time to ponder the eternal mystery of
birds in the sky, bees in the sun, and flowers on a green hill. Teach him that it is far
more honorable to fail than to cheat. Teach him to have faith in his own ideas, even if
everyone tells him they are wrong.
Try to give my son the strength not to follow the crowd when everyone else is getting on
the bandwagon. Teach him to listen to others, but to filter all he hears on a screen of
truth and to take only the good that comes through.
Teach him never to put a price tag on his heart and soul. Teach him to close his ears on
the howling mob-and to stand and fight if he thinks he is right. Teach him gently,
World, but do not coddle him, because only the test of fire makes fine steel.

This is a big order, World, but see what you can do. He is such a nice son.
Signed, Abraham Lincoln

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 88

*adapted from "Pulpit Helps" February 1991, quoted in Apple Seeds, Volume 10, No.
1,1994.
ACTION PLAN
1. Read life stories of people who have turned negatives into positives. Make reading good
books or listening to inspirational audio tapes part of your daily routine.
2. Regularly and systematically commit a portion of your time and/or money to charitable
activity without any expectations in cash or kind.
3. Stay away from negative influences. Don't give into peer pressure.
4. Practice giving and receiving sincere compliments graciously.
5. Start accepting responsibility for your behavior and actions.
6. Practice self-discipline even when it is not comfortable.
7. Associate with people of high moral character.
8. Be creative and find ways to turn your weaknesses into strengths.
9. Practice patience; persevere even if the results are not visible.
CHAPTER 5
INTERPERSONAL SKILLS
Building a pleasing personality
I will pay more for the ability to deal with people than for any other ability under the sun.
--John Rockefeller
We do not have business problems. We have people problems. When we solve our
people problems, our business problems are substantially resolved. People knowledge
is more important than product knowledge. Successful people build pleasing and
magnetic personalities, which is what makes them charismatic. This helps in getting
friendly cooperation from others. A pleasing personality is easy to recognize but hard to
define. It is apparent in the way a person walks and talks, his tone of voice, the warmth
in his behavior and his definitive level of confidence. Some people never lose their
attractiveness regardless of age because it flows both from the face and the heart. A
pleasing personality is a combination of a person's attitude, behavior, and expressions.
Wearing a pleasant expression is more important than anything else you wear. It takes a
lot more than a shoeshine and a manicure to give a person polish. Charming manners
used to disguise a poor character may work in the short run, but reveal themselves
rather quickly. Relationships based on talent and personality alone, without character,
make life miserable. Charisma without character is like good looks without goodness.
The bottom line is, a lasting winning combination requires both character and charisma.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 89

Be courteous to all, but intimate with a few, arid let those few be well tried before you
give them your confidence.
True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of
adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.
George Washington, January 15,1783
LIFE IS AN ECHO
A little boy got angry with his mother and shouted at her, "I hate you, I hate you."
Because of fear of reprimand, he ran out of the house. He went up to the valley and
shouted, "I hate you, I hate you," and back came the echo, "I hate you, I hate you." This
was the first time in his life he had heard an echo. He got scared, went to his mother for
protection and said there was a bad boy in the valley who shouted "I hate you, I hate
you." The mother understood and she asked her son to go back and shout, "I love you,
I love you." The little boy went and shouted, "I love you, I love you," and back came the
echo. That taught the little boy a lesson that our life is like an echo: We get back what
we give.
Benjamin Franklin said, "When you are good to others, you are best to yourself."
LIFE IS A BOOMERANG
Whether it is our thoughts, actions or behavior, sooner or later they return and with great
accuracy.
Treat people with respect on your way up because you will be meeting them on your
way down.
The following story is taken from The Best of. . . Bits & Pieces.*
Many years ago two boys were working their way through Stanford University. Their
funds got desperately low, and the idea came to them to engage Ignacy Paderewski for
a piano recital. They would use the funds to help pay their board and tuition.
The great pianist's manager asked for a guarantee ofÄ$2,000.
* Economics Press, Fairfield, NJ, 1994, pp. 84--85.
The guarantee was a lot of money in those days, but the boys agreed and proceeded to
promote the concert. They worked hard, only to find that they had grossed only $1,600.
After the concert the two boys told the great artist the bad news. They gave him the
entire $1,600, along with a promissory note for $400, explaining that they would earn
the amount at the earliest possible moment and send the money to him. It looked like
the end of their college careers.
"No, boys," replied Paderewski, "that won't do." Then, tearing the note in two, he
returned the money to them as well. "Now," he told them, "take out of this $1,600 all of
your expenses and keep for each of you 10 percent of the balance for your work.
Let me have the rest."

The years rolled by. World War I came and went. Paderewski, now premier of
Poland, was striving to feed thousands of starving people in his native land. The only

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 90

person in the world who could help him was Herbert Hoover, who was in charge of the
US Food and Relief Bureau. Hoover responded and soon thousands of tons of food
were sent to Poland.
After the starving people were fed, Paderewski journeyed to Paris to thank Hoover for
the relief sent him.
"That's all right, Mr. Paderewski ," was Hoover's reply. "Besides, you don't remember it,
but you helped me once when I was a student at college, and I was in trouble."
It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help
another without helping himself.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Goodness has a way of coming back; that is the nature of the beast. One doesn't have
to do good with a desire to get back. It just happens automatically.
WE SEE THINGS NOT THE WAY THEY ARE BUT THE WAY WE ARE
There is a legend about a wise man who was sitting outside his village. A traveler came
up and asked him, "What kind of people live in this village, because I am looking to
move from my present one?" The wise man asked, "What kind of people live where you
want to move from?" The man said, "They are mean, cruel, rude." The wise man
replied, "The same kind of people live in this village too." After some time another
traveler came by and asked the same question and the wise man asked him, "What
kind of people live where you want to move from?" And the traveler replied, "The people
are very kind, courteous, polite and good." The wise man said, "You will find the same
kind of people here too."
What is the moral of the story?
Generally we see the world not the way it is but the way we are. Most of the time, other
people's behavior is a reaction to our own.
TRUST
I believe all relationships are trust relationships, such as employer employee,
parentchild, husband wife, student / teacher, buyer / seller, customer / salesperson. How
can we have trust without integrity? Crisis in trust really means crisis in truth.
Trust results from being trustworthy.
What are the factors that build trust?

0♦Reliability --gives predictability and comes from commitment.
0♦Consistency --builds confidence.
0♦Respect--to self and others gives dignity and shows a caring attitude.
0♦Fairness--appeals to justice and integrity.
0♦Openness--shows two-way traffic.

0♦Congruence--action and words harmonize. If a person says one thing and behaves
differently, how can you trust that person?

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 91

0♦Competence--comes when a person has the ability and the attitude to serve.
0♦Integrity--the key ingredient to trust.

0♦Acceptance in spite of our effort to improve we need to accept each other with our
pluses and minuses.
0♦Character--a person may have all the competence but if he lacks character he can't
be trusted.
Trust is a greater compliment than love. There are some people we love but we can't
trust them. Relationships are like bank accounts: The more we deposit, the greater they
become, therefore, the more we can draw from them. However, if you try to draw without
depositing, it leads to disappointment.
Many times we feel we are overdrawn but in reality we may be under deposited. Below
are some of the consequences of poor relationships and the lack of trust.
Stress

Poor health

Lack of communication

Distrust

Irritation

Anger

Close-mindedness

Prejudice

No team spirit

Breakdown of morale

Lack of credibility

Uncooperative behavior

Poor self-esteem

Conflict

Suspicion

Frustration

Loss of productivity

Unhappiness

Isolation
What are Some Factors That Prevent Building and Maintaining Positive
Relationships?
Most of them are self-explanatory or elaborated on later in this chapter.
0♦Selfishness
0♦Lack of courtesy
0♦Inconsiderate behavior
0♦Not meeting commitments
0♦Rude behavior
0♦Lack of integrity and honesty
0♦Self-centeredness --- person all wrapped up in himself makes a pretty small package.
0♦Arrogance --- An arrogant person is content with his opinion and knowledge. That will
guarantee him perpetual ignorance.
0♦Conceit---Since nature abhors a vacuum, she fills empty heads with conceit.

92
John bragged, "My son gets his intelligence from me." His wife replied, "I am sure he
does, because I have still got mine."
“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera

0♦Negative attitude
0♦Closed mind
0♦Lack of listening
0♦Suspicious nature
0♦Lack of respect for values (low morals)
0♦Lack of discipline
0♦Lack of compassion (cruelty is a sign of weakness)
0♦Impatience
0♦Anger--Temper gets a person in trouble and ego keeps him there.
0♦Manipulative behavior
0♦Escapist behavior
0♦Touchy nature
0♦Inconsistency
0♦Unwillingness to accept the truth
0♦Past bad experience
0♦An uncaring attitude being ignored is not a good feeling. It shows a lack of concern.
0♦Greed--is like sea water: The more you drink, the thirstier you get.
This probably is not an all-inclusive list. Most of us may have some of the characteristics
mentioned above. Some may have more of one than the other. The objective is to
evaluate and adjust course in those areas.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EGO AND PRIDE
The biggest hurdle in building a positive relationship is Ego. Ego is self-intoxicating. Ego
is negative pride resulting in arrogance. Healthy pride is a feeling of the pleasure of
accomplishment with humility. Ego gives a swollen head while pride gives a swollen
heart. A big head gives a big headache whereas a big heart gives humility.
No matter what the size of a person's accomplishments are, there is never an excuse
for having a big head. Pride, yes; big head, no.
Ego--The "I Know It All" Attitude
To an egocentric person, the world begins, ends and revolves around him. An egotist
can be funny by default. A boss asked one of his employees how badly he wanted a
raise. The employee said, "Real badly. I have been praying to God for one." The boss
replied, "You are not going to get it because you went over my head."
An egotist talks and looks down on others.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 93

Egotism is the anaesthetic that deadens the pain of stupidity.
--Knute Rockne
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SELFISHNESS AND SELF--INTEREST?
It is important to understand the distinction between these two words.
Selfishness is negative and destructive. It destroys relationships because it is based on
negative values. It believes in the win/lose principle. Self-interest is positive. It
welcomes prosperity, peace of mind, good health and happiness. Self-interest believes
in win/win.
Envy/Jealousy--Crab Mentality
What is crab mentality? Do you know how they catch crabs? They put a box with one
side open for the crabs to walk in. It has a base but no lid. When the box is full, they
close the fourth side. The crabs could easily crawl out of the box and go free. But this
doesn't happen, because the crab mentality doesn't let it happen. The moment one crab
starts crawling up, the others pull it down and nobody gets out. Guess where they all
end up? They all get cooked.
The same thing is true with people who are jealous. They never get ahead in life and
prevent others from succeeding. Jealousy is a sign of poor self-esteem. It is a universal
trait. The biggest challenge comes when jealousy becomes a national character.
Countries start degenerating, resulting in disastrous consequences for coming
generations. Jealousy corrupts people.
One Should Have an Open Mind Rather Than an Empty Mind
What is the difference between an open mind and an empty mind? An open mind is
flexible; it evaluates and may accept or reject ideas and concepts based on merit. An
empty mind is a dumping ground for good and bad. It accepts without evaluation.
STEPS TO BUILDING A POSITIVE PERSONALITY
Step 1: Accept Responsibility
"Responsibilities gravitate to the person who can shoulder them."
--Elbert Hubbard
When people accept additional responsibility they are actually giving themselves a
promotion.
Responsible behavior is to accept accountability and that represents maturity.
Acceptance of responsibility is a reflection of our attitude and the environment we
operate in. Most people are quick to take credit for what goes right but very few would
accept responsibility when things go wrong. A person who does not accept responsibility

is not absolved from being responsible. Our objective is to cultivate responsible
behavior. Responsible behavior should be inculcated right from childhood. It cannot be
taught without a certain degree of obedience.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 94

Stop the Blame Game
Avoid phrases such as:

0♦everyone else does it,
0♦or no one does it, or
0♦it is all your fault.
People who don't accept responsibility shift the blame to their parents, teachers, genes,
God, fate, luck or the stars.
Johnny said, "Mama, Jimmy broke the window." Mama asked, "How did he do it?"
Johnny replied, "I threw a stone at him and he ducked."
People who use their privileges without accepting responsibility usually end up losing
them.
Responsibility involves thoughtful action.
Pettiness Causes Us to Ignore Our Responsibilities
Think about it. Petty minds are busy passing the buck rather than doing what needs to
be done.
Social Responsibility
Ancient Indian wisdom teaches us that our first responsibility is to the community,
second to our family and third to ourself. A society starts degenerating when this order is
reversed. Social responsibility ought to be the moral obligation of every citizen.
Responsibility and freedom go hand in hand. A sign of a good citizen is that he is willing
to pull his own weight.
The price of greatness is responsibility.
--Winston Churchill
Societies are not destroyed by the activities of rascals but by the inactivity of good
people. What a paradox! If they can tolerate destruction by being inactive, how can they
be good? The question is, are they discharging their social responsibility?

For evil to flourish, good people have to do nothing and evil shall flourish.
--Edmund Burke

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 95

Step 2: Consideration
One day, a ten-year-old boy went to an ice cream shop, sat at a table and asked the
waitress, "How much is an ice-cream cone?" She said, "seventy-five cents." The boy
started counting the coins he had in his hand. Then he asked how much a small cup of
ice-cream was. The waitress impatiently replied, "sixty five cents." The boy said, "I will
have the small ice-cream cup." He had his ice-cream, paid the bill and left. When the
waitress came to pick up the empty plate, she was touched. Underneath were ten onecent coins as tip. The little boy had consideration for the waitress before he ordered his
ice-crearn. He showed sensitivity and caring. He thought of others before himself.
If we all thought like the little boy, we would have a great place to live. Show
consideration, courtesy, and politeness. Thoughtfulness shows a caring attitude.
Step 3: Think Win / Win
A man died and St. Peter asked him if he would like to go to heaven or hell. The man
asked if he could see both before deciding.
St. Peter took him to hell first and the man saw a big hall with a long table, lots of food
on it and music playing. He also saw rows of people with pale, sad faces. They looked
starved and there was no laughter. And he observed one more thing. Their hands were
tied to four-foot forks and knives and they were trying to get the food from the center of
the table to put into their mouths. But they couldn't.
Then, he went to see heaven. There he saw a big hall with a long table, with lots of food
on the table and music playing. He noticed rows of people on both sides of the table
with their hands tied to four-foot forks and knives also. But he observed there was
something different here. People were laughing and were well-fed and healthy-looking.
He noticed that they were feeding one another across the table. The result was
happiness,
prosperity, enjoyment, and gratification because they were not thinking of themselves
alone; they were thinking win/win. The same is true of our lives. When we serve our
customers, our families, our employers and employees, we automatically win.
Step 4: Choose Your Words Carefully
A person who says what he likes usually ends up hearing what he doesn't like. Be
tactful. Tact consists of choosing one's words carefully and knowing how far to go. It
also means knowing what to say and what to leave unsaid. Talent without tact may not
always be desirable. Words reflect attitude. Words can hurt feelings and destroy
relationships. More people have been hurt by an improper choice of words than by any
natural disaster. Choose what you say rather than say what you choose. That is the
difference between wisdom and foolishness.
Excessive talking does not mean communication. Talk less; say more.
A fool speaks without thinking; a wise man thinks before speaking.
Words spoken out of bitterness can cause irreparable damage. The way parents speak
to their children in many instances shapes their children's destiny.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 96

SPOKEN WORDS CAN'T BE RETRIEVED
A farmer slandered his neighbor. Realizing his mistake, he went to the preacher to ask
for forgiveness. The preacher told him to take a bag of feathers and drop them in the
center of town. The farmer did as he was told. Then the preacher asked him to go and
collect the feathers and put them back in the bag. The farmer tried but couldn't as the
feathers had all blown away. When he returned with the empty bag, the preacher said,
"The same thing is true about your words. You dropped them rather easily but you
cannot retrieve them, so be very careful in choosing your words."
Step 5: Don't Criticize and Complain
When I talk of criticism I refer to negative criticism. Why should we not criticize? When a
person is criticized, he becomes defensive. Does that mean we should never criticize,
or can we give positive criticism?
A critic is like a back-seat driver who drives the driver mad.
Positive Criticism
What is constructive criticism? Criticize with a spirit of helpfulness rather than as a putdown. Offer solutions in your criticism. Criticize the behavior, not the person, because
when we criticize the person, we hurt their self esteem. The right to criticize comes with
the desire to help. As long as the act of criticizing does not give pleasure to the giver, it
is okay. When giving criticism becomes a pleasure, it is time to stop.
Some suggestions for giving criticism that motivates others:
0♦Be a coach--criticize with a helpful attitude. A coach criticizes to help improve
performance of the athlete.
0♦Understanding and concern will act as a motivator.
0♦The attitude should be corrective rather than punitive.
0♦Be specific, rather than saying things like "you always" or "you never." Vague criticism
causes resentment.
0♦Get your facts right. Don't jump to conclusions. We all have the right to our opinions
but we don't have the right to incorrect facts. Don't rush to criticize.
0♦Maintain your cool but be firm.
0♦Criticize to persuade, not intimidate.
0♦If criticism is given appropriately, it will reduce the need for repetition.
0♦Criticize in private not in public. Why? Because it maintains goodwill whereas public
criticism can be humiliating.
0♦Give the other person an opportunity to explain his side.
0♦Show them how they would benefit from correcting their mistake.
0♦Criticize the performance, not the performer. Don't express personal resentment.
0♦Simply point out the loss arising from the action and the adverse consequences of not
correcting it.

0♦Ask for suggestions for improvement.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 97

0♦Question the action, not the intent. If intent is in question, then it is better to terminate
the relationship.
0♦Keep criticism in perspective. Don't overdo it. Criticism is like giving medication. The
medication should be the right mixture with a perfect dosage. Too much will have
adverse effects and too little Willie ineffective. Similarly, criticism should be kept in
perspective. Given in a positive way in the right dosage, it can work wonders.
0♦If people who are being criticized accept their mistake and come up with positive
suggestions, congratulate them.
0♦Close on a positive note with appreciation.
Receiving Criticism
There may be times when we are criticized, justly or unjustly. The greatest people in the
world have been criticized. Justified criticism can be very helpful and should be taken
positively as feedback. Unjustified criticism really is a compliment in disguise. Average
people hate winners. When people are not successful, critics have nothing to talk about.
The only way you will never be criticized is if you do nothing, say nothing or have
nothing. You will end up being a big nothing.
Unjust criticism comes from two sources:
1. Ignorance. When criticism comes out of ignorance, it can easily be eliminated or
corrected by bringing awareness.
2. Jealousy. When criticism comes out of jealousy, take it as a compliment in disguise.
You are being unjustly criticized because the other person wants to be where you
are. The tree that bears the most fruits also gets the most stones.
An inability to accept constructive criticism is a sign poor self-esteem. Suggestions for
accepting criticism:
Take it in the right spirit. Accept it graciously rather than grudgingly. Learn from it.
Accept it with an open mind, evaluate it and if it makes sense, implement it.
Be thankful to the person who gives constructive criticism because he means well and
has helped you.
A person with high self-esteem accepts positive criticism and becomes better, not bitter.
The problem with most people is they would rather be praised and lose than be
criticized and win.
Complaints
Some people are chronic complainers. If it is hot, it is too hot. If it is cold, it is too cold.
Every day is a bad day. They complain even if everything goes right. Why is it not a
good idea to complain? Because 50% of the people don't care if you have got a

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 98

problem and the other 50% are happy that you have got a problem. What is the point of
complaining? Nothing comes out of it. It becomes a personality trait. Does that mean we
should never complain or invite complaints? Not at all. Just like criticism, if it is done in a
positive way, complaints can be very useful. A constructive complaint:
1) shows that the complainer cares.
2) gives the receiver of complaints a second chance to correct himself.
Step 6: Smile and Be Kind
SMILE*
A smile costs nothing, but it creates much.
It enriches those who receive it without impoverishing
those who give it.
It happens in a flash, and the memory of it may last
forever.
None are so rich that they can get along without it, and none
so poor that they cannot be richer for its benefits. It creates
happiness in the home, fosters goodwill in a business, and
is the countersign of friends.

It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine
to the sad, and nature's best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot
be begged, bought, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something
that is worth nothing to anyone until it is given away.
* from The Best of . . . Bits & Pieces, Economics Press, Fairfield, NJ, 1994, p.l70.
In the course of the day, some of your acquaintances may be
too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours.

Nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none
Ieft to give.
Cheerfulness flows from goodness. A smile can be fake or genuine. The key is to have
a genuine one. It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. It is easier to smile than
frown. It improves face value. A simile is contagious and is an inexpensive way to
improve looks. A smiling face is always welcome. Who likes to be around a grouch? No
one, except maybe a bigger grouch. A warm sincere smile shows through just like an

insincere one.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera 99

Step 7: Put Positive Interpretation on Other People's Behavior
In the absence of sufficient facts, people instinctively put a negative interpretation on
others' actions or inactions. Some people suffer from "paranoia"; they think the world is
out to get them. That is not true. By starting on a positive note, we have a better chance
of building a pleasing personality resulting in good relationships.
For example, how often have we put through a call and not gotten a reply from the other
party for two days and the first thought that comes to our mind is, "They never cared to
return my call" or "They ignored me." That is negative. Maybe:
0♦they tried, but couldn't get through
0♦they left the message we didn't get
0♦they had an emergency
0♦they never got the message
There could be many reasons. It is worth giving the benefit of doubt to the other person
and starting on a positive note.
Step 8: Be a Good Listener
Ask yourself these questions. How does it make you feel when you wanted somebody
to listen to you and
0♦They did more talking than listening?
0♦They disagreed with the first thing you said.
0♦They interrupted you at every step.
0♦They were impatient and completed every sentence you started.
0♦They were physically present but mentally absent.
0♦They heard but didn't listen. You had to repeat the same thing three times because
the other person wasn't listening.
0♦They came to conclusions unrelated to facts.
0♦They asked questions on unrelated topics.
0♦They were fidgety and distracted.
0♦They were obviously not listening or paying attention.
All these things show disinterest in the person or the topic and a total lack of courtesy.
Do the following words describe the feeling of not being listened to?

Neglected

Belittled

Rejected

Annoyed
“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera100

Dejected

Stupid

Let down

Worthless

Unimportant

Embarrassed

Small

Demotivated

Ignored

Disheartened

Let's reverse the scenario. How does it make you feel when you want someone to listen
to you and they
0♦make you comfortable.
0♦give you their undivided attention.
0♦ask appropriate and relevant questions.
0♦show interest in your subject.
Do the following words describe the feeling of being listened to?
Important

Good

Pleased

Happy

Satisfied

Appreciated

Worthwhile

Encouraged

Cared for

Inspired

What are some of the barriers to effective listening?
External Barriers

Internal Barriers

physical distractions
noise

preoccupation or absent-mindedness
prejudice and prejudging people

fatigue

no interest in subject or speaker

There could be intellectual barriers, such as language, comprehension, etc. In order to
inspire others to speak, be a good listener.
Listening shows caring. When you show a caring attitude toward another person, that
person feels important. When he feels important, what happens? He is more motivated
and more receptive to your ideas.
An open ear is the only believable sign of an open heart.

--David Augsburger

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera101

In order to be a good listener:

0♦Encourage the speaker to talk.
0♦Ask questions. It shows interest.
0♦Don't interrupt.
0♦Don't change the topic.
0♦Show understanding and respect.
0♦Pay attention, concentrate.
0♦Avoid distractions.
0♦Show empathy.
0♦Be open-minded. Don't let preconceived ideas and prejudices prevent you from
listening.
0♦Concentrate on the message and not on the delivery. Recognize the nonverbal
communication, such as facial expressions, eye contact, etc. They might be
communicating a different message from the verbal.
0♦Listen to feelings and not just words.
Step 9: Be Enthusiastic
Nothing great is ever achieved without enthusiasm.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Enthusiasm and success go hand in hand, but enthusiasm comes first. Enthusiasm
inspires confidence, raises morale, builds loyalty! and is priceless. Enthusiasm is
contagious. You can feel enthusiasm by the way a person talks, walks or shakes hands.
Enthusiasm is a habit that one can acquire and practice.
Many decades ago, Charles Schwab, who was earning a salary of a million dollars a
year, was asked if he was being paid such a high salary because of his exceptional
ability to produce steel. Charles Schwab replied, "I consider my ability to arouse
enthusiasm among the men the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the
best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement."
Live while you are alive. Don't die before you are dead. Enthusiasm and desire are what
change mediocrity to excellence. Water turns into steam with a difference of only one
degree in temperature and steam can move some of the biggest engines in the world.
That is what enthusiasm helps us to do in our lives.
Step 10: Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
The psychologist William James said, "One of the deepest desires of human beings is
the desire to be appreciated. The feeling of being unwanted is hurtful."
Expensive jewels are not real gifts; they are apologies for shortcomings. Many times we

buy gifts for people to compensate for not spending enough time with them. Real gifts
are when you give a part of yourself.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera102

Sincere appreciation is one of the greatest gifts one can give to another person. It
makes a person feel important. The desire to feel important is one of the greatest
cravings in most human beings. It can be a great motivator.
The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis but rather the feeling of being
unwanted.
--Mother Teresa
Appreciation, in order to be effective, must meet certain criteria:
1. It must be specific. If I tell someone that he did a good job, and walk away,
what will go through his mind? He will think, "What did I do good.?" He will be
confused. But when I say, "The way you handled that difficult customer was
great," then he knows what he is being appreciated for.
2. It must be immediate. The effectiveness is diluted if we show our appreciation
for someone six months after he has done something commendable.
3. It must be sincere. It must come from the heart. You must mean every word.
What is the difference between appreciation and flattery? The difference is
sincerity. One comes from the heart, the other from the mouth. One has an
ulterior motive and the other is sincere. Some people find it easier to flatter
than to give sincere praise. Don't flatter or get taken in by flatterers.
It's an old maxim in the schools that
flattery's the food of fools Yet now
and then you men of wit will
condescend to take a bit.
--Jonathan Swift
4. Don't qualify praise with a but. By using the but as a connector, we erase the
appreciation. Use "and," "in addition to that" or some other appropriate connector.
Say something like "I appreciate your effort and would you please ..." rather than "I
appreciate your effort but ..."
5. After giving appreciation, it is not important to wait for a receipt or acknowledgement.
Some people are looking for a compliment in return. That is not the purpose of
appreciation.
If you are receiving appreciation, accept it graciously with a "thank-you."
It is easier to deal with honest rejection than insincere appreciation. At least the person
knows where he stands. Insincere appreciation is like a mirage in the desert. The closer

you get, the more disappointed you become because it is nothing more than an illusion.
People put up a front of sincerity as a cover up.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera103

Step 11: When We Make a Mistake, We Should Accept It immediately and Willingly
When I am wrong, make me easy to change; and when I am right, make me easy to live
with. This is a good philosophy to live by.
Some people live and learn while others live and never learn. Mistakes are to be
learned from. The greatest mistake a person can make is to repeat it. Don't assign
blame and make excuses. Don't dwell on it. When you realize your mistake, it is a good
idea to accept it and apologize. Don't defend it. Why? Acceptance disarms the other
person.
Step 12: When the Other Person Realizes and Admits That He Has Made a
Mistake, Congratulate Him and Give Him a Way Out to Save Face
If we don't let him save face, we are hurting his self esteem.
Step 13: Discuss But Don't Argue
There are some personalities that can be labelled as argumentative and that shows in
their behavior and relationships.
Arguments can be avoided and a lot of heartache prevented by being a little careful.
The best way to win an argument is to avoid it. An argument is one thing you will never
win. If you win, you lose; if you lose, you lose. If you win an argument but lose a good
job, customer, friend or marriage, what kind of victory is it? Pretty empty. Arguments
result from inflated ego.
Arguing is like fighting a losing battle. Even if one wins, the cost may be more than the
victory is worth. Emotional battles leave a residual ill will even if you win.
In an argument, both people are trying to have the last word. Argument is nothing more
than a battle of egos and results in a yelling contest. A bigger fool than the one who
knows it all is the one who argues with him.
Is It worth It?
The more arguments you win, the fewer friends you have. Even if you are right, is it
worth arguing? The answer is pretty obvious. A big no. Does that mean one should
never bring up a point? One should, but gently and tactfully by saying something neutral
such as "based on my information . . ." If the other person is argumentative, even if you
can prove him wrong, is it worth it? I don't think so. Do you make your point a second
time? I wouldn't. Why? Because the argument is coming from a closed mind trying to
prove who is right rather than what is right.
For example, at a social get-together, especially after a few drinks, someone may say
authoritatively, "The current year's export figures are $50 billion." You happen to know
that his information is incorrect and the right figure is $45 billion. You read it in the paper
that morning or you heard it on the radio on the way to the get-together and you have a
bulletin in your car to substantiate it. Do you make your point? Yes, by saying, "My
information is that the export figure is $45 billion." The other person reacts, "You don't
know what you are talking about. I know exactly what it is and it is $50 billion."
At this point, you have several choices:

1. Make your point again and start an argument.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera104
2. Run and bring the bulletin from your car and make sure you prove him wrong.
3. Avoid it.

4. Discuss but don't argue.
The right choice is number 3 only.
If one wants to accomplish great things in life one has to practice maturity. Maturity
means not getting entangled in unimportant things and petty arguments.
What is the Difference Between an Argument and a Discussion?

0♦An argument throws heat; a discussion throws light.
0♦One stems from ego and a closed mind whereas the other comes from an open mind.
0♦An argument is an exchange of ignorance whereas a discussion is an exchange of
knowledge.
0♦An argument is an expression of temper whereas a discussion is an expression of
logic.
0♦An argument tries to prove who is right whereas a discussion tries to prove what is
right.
It is not worthwhile to reason with a prejudiced mind; it wasn't reasoned into him so you
can't reason it out. A narrow mind and a big mouth usually lead to interesting but
pointless arguments.
In order to discuss, let the other person state his side of the case without interruption.
Let him blow steam. Don't try to prove him wrong on every point. Never let him drag you
to his level. Treat him with courtesy and respect; that will confuse him.
Regardless of the cause, the best way to diffuse the situation is to:
1. give a patient hearing.
2. not fight back or retaliate that--will confuse the other person because he was
expecting a
fight.
3. not expect an apology. For some people, apologizing is difficult even if they have made
a mistake.
4. not make issues out of petty matters.
Discussion entails not only saying the right thing at the right time but also leaving unsaid
what need not be said.
Children should be taught the art of speaking up but not talking back. As adults we
should learn the art of disagreeing without being disagreeable.
The way a person handles an argument reflects their upbringing.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera105

I learned a long time ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and besides, the pig
likes it.
--Cyrus Ching
Steps to Opening a Discussion
1. Be open-minded.
2. Don't be dragged into an argument.
3. Don't interrupt.
4. Listen to the other person's point of view before giving your own.
4. Ask questions to clarify. That will also set the other person thinking.
5. Don't exaggerate.
7. Be enthusiastic in convincing, not forceful.
8. Be willing to yield.
9. Be flexible on petty things but not on principles.
10. Don't make it a prestige issue.
11. Give your opponent a graceful way to withdraw without hurting his pride. Rejection can
be hurtful.
12. Use soft words but hard arguments rather than hard words & soft arguments .
It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument. His strong and bitter words
only indicate a , weak cause.
During a discussion, it may be a good idea to use phrases such as:

0♦It appears to me ...
0♦I may be wrong ...
Another way to defuse arguments is by showing ignorance and asking questions such
as:
0♦Why do you feel that way?
0♦Can you explain a little?
0♦Can you be more specific?

If nothing works, it may be worthwhile to politely, gently, and with courtesy, agree to
disagree.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera106

Step 14: Don't Gossip
Remember, people who gossip with you also gossip about you in your absence.
Gossiping and lying are closely related. A gossip listens in haste and repeats at leisure.
A gossip never minds his own business because he neither has a mind nor a business.
A gossip is more concerned about what he overhears than what he hears. Gossip is the
art of saying nothing in a way that leaves nothing unsaid.
Someone said it well: "Small people talk about other people, mediocre people talk about
things, great people talk about ideas."
Gossip can lead to slander and defamation of character. People who listen to gossip are
as guilty as those who do the gossiping.
A gossip usually gets caught in his own mouth trap.
Gossip has no respect for justice. It breaks hearts, it ruins lives, it is cunning and
malicious. It victimizes the helpless. Gossip is hard to track down because it has no face
or name. It tarnishes reputations, topples governments, wrecks marriages, ruins
careers, makes the innocent cry, causes heartaches and sleepless nights. The next time
you indulge in gossip, ask yourself.
0♦Is it the truth?
0♦Is it kind and gentle?
0♦Is it necessary?
0♦Am I spreading rumors?
0♦Do I say positive things about others?
0♦Do I enjoy and encourage others to spread rumors?
0♦Does my conversation begin with, "Don't tell anyone?"
0♦Can I maintain confidentiality?
Refrain from indulging in gossip. Remember, small talk comes out of big mouths.
Step 15: Turn Your Promises into Commitments
What is the difference between a promise and a commitment? A promise is a statement
of intent. A commitment is a promise that is going to be kept no matter what. In the no
matter what, I exclude illegal and immoral things. Commitment comes out of character
and leads to conviction.
Can you imagine what kind of a world it would be if no one made a commitment to one
another? What would happen to relationships between
0♦spouses?
0♦employers and employees?

0♦parents and children?
0♦students and teachers?

0♦buyers and sellers?

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera107

Uncommitted relationships are pretty shallow and hollow. They are a matter of
convenience and are temporary. Nothing lasting has ever been created without
commitment.
Commitment says, "I am predictable in the unpredictable future."
Many people confuse commitment with confinement. That really is not true.
Commitment does not take away freedom; it actually gives more freedom because it
gives a sense of security.
The most important commitment we ever make is to our values. That is why it is
imperative to have the right value system. For example, if I committed myself to support
a leader who later becomes a drug dealer, do I continue my commitment? Not at all.
Commitment leads to enduring relationships through thick and thin. It shows in a
person's personality and relationships.
Step 16: Be Grateful But Do Not Expect Gratitude
Gratitude is a beautiful word. We must be thankful. Gratitude is a feeling. It improves
our personality and builds character. Gratitude develops out of humility. It is a feeling of
thankfulness toward others. It is conveyed through our attitude towards others and
reflects in our behavior. Gratitude does not mean reciprocating good deeds because
gratitude is not give and take. A good deed cannot be canceled by a counter act. Things
such as kindness, understanding, and patience cannot be repaid. What does gratitude
teach us? It really teaches us the art of cooperation and understanding. Gratitude must
be sincere. A simple thank-you can be gracious. Many times we forget to be thankful to
the people closest to us, such as our spouse, our relatives, our friends. Gratitude would
rank among the top qualities that form the character and personality of an individual with
integrity. Ego stands in the way of showing gratitude. A gracious attitude changes our
outlook in life. With gratitude and humility, right actions come naturally.
Gratitude ought to be a way of life, something which we cannot give enough of. It can
mean a smile, or a thank you, or a gesture of appreciation.
Think of your most precious possessions. What makes them special? In most cases,
the gift is less significant than the giver. Seldom are we grateful for the things we
already possess.
Think back and try to recall the people who had a positive influence on your life. Your
parents, teachers, anyone who spent extra time to help you. Perhaps it appears that
they just did their job. Not really. They willingly sacrificed their time, effort, money and
many other things for you. They did it out of love and not for your thankfulness. At some
point, a person realizes the effort that went in to help them shape their future. Perhaps it
is not too late to thank them. And it is time to reciprocate. Love requires sacrifice.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera108

The Story of Christ
As the story goes, once Christ healed ten lepers and when he turned back they were all
gone except one who had the courtesy to thank Christ. Christ said, "I didn't do a thing."
What is the moral of the story?
1. Human beings are ungrateful.
2. A grateful person is the exceptional person.
3. Christ literally gave them a new life and said, "I didn't do a thing."
4. Like Christ we should not expect gratitude.
How does this translate in our behavior and personality? We feed or give shelter to
someone for a few days and say "Look what I did for the other person." We blow our
giving out of proportion in our own mind. It is not uncommon to hear people saying, "If it
wasn't for me, this person would be on the street." What an ego!
By the Way
When people ask others to do something for them by using the phrase "By the way, can
you do this for me?" they undermine the importance of doing or not doing. I have found
that if we have to do anything for anyone it is never "by the way," it is always "out of the
way."
This does not amount to doing favors from the doer's perspective. If one doesn't do
things that can be done to help another person, then it is sad. But I am convinced that
there is no such thing as "By the way," it is always "out of the way" and it is worth it.
Step 17: Be Dependable and Practice Loyalty
The old adage, "an ounce of loyalty is worth more than a pound of cleverness," is
universal and eternal.
Ability is important but dependability is crucial. If you have someone with all the ability
but if he is not dependable, do you want him as part of your team? No, not at all.
I KNEW YOU WOULD COME
There were two childhood buddies who went through school and college and even
joined the army together. War broke out and they were fighting in the same unit. One
night they were ambushed. Bullets were flying all over and out of the darkness came a
voice, "Harry, please come and help me." Harry immediately recognized the voice of his
childhood buddy, Bill. He asked the captain if he could go. The captain said,
"No, I can't let you go, I am already short-handed and I cannot afford to lose one more
person. Besides, the way Bill sounds he is not going to make it." Harry kept quiet. Again
the voice came, "Harry, please come and help me." Harry sat quietly because the
captain had refused earlier. Again and again the voice came. Harry couldn't contain
himself any longer and told the captain, "Captain, this is my childhood buddy. I have to
go and help." The captain reluctantly let him go. Harry crawled through the darkness
and dragged Bill back into the trench. They found that Bill was dead. Now the captain
got angry and shouted at Harry, "Didn't I tell you he was not going to make it? He is

dead, you could have been killed and I could have

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera109

lost a hand. That was a mistake." Harry replied, "Captain, I did the right thing. When I
reached Bill he was still alive and his last words were 'Harry, I knew you would come."'
Good relationships are hard to find and once developed should be nurtured.
We are often told: Live your dream. But you cannot live your dream at the expense of
others. People who do so are unscrupulous. We need to make personal sacrifices for
our family, friends, and those we care about and who depend on us.
Step 18: Avoid Bearing Grudges. Forgive and Forget
Don't be a garbage collector. Have you heard the phrase I can forgive but I can't forget?
When a person refuses to forgive, he is locking doors that some day he might need to
open. When we hold grudges and harbor resentment, who are we hurting the most?
Ourselves.
Jim and Jerry were childhood friends but for whatever reasons, the relationship fell
apart and they hadn't spoken for 25 years. Jerry was on his deathbed and didn't want to
enter eternity with a heavy heart. So he called Jim, apologized and said, "Let's forgive
each other and be done for the past." Jim thought it was a good idea and decided to
visit
Jerry at the hospital.
They caught up on 25 years, patched up their differences and spent a couple of hours
together. As Jim was leaving, Jerry shouted from behind, "Jim, just in case I don't die;
remember, this forgiveness doesn't count." Life is too short to hold grudges. It is not
worth it.
Shame on Me
While it is not worth holding grudges, it doesn't make sense to be bitten time and again.
It is well said, "You cheat me once, shame on you; you cheat me twice, shame on me."
John Kennedy once said, "Forgive the other person but don't forget their name." I am
sure that his message was that one should not get cheated twice.
Step 19: Practice Honesty, Integrity, and Sincerity
Sometimes the brightness of truth does not enlighten but blinds the evil.
Honesty means to be genuine and real versus fake and fictitious.
Be labeled or build a reputation of being trustworthy. If there is one thing that builds any
kind of relationship at home, at work, or socially, it is integrity.
Not keeping commitments amounts to dishonest behavior.
Honesty inspires openness, reliability, and frankness. It shows respect for one's self and
others. Honesty is in being, not in appearing to be. Lies may have speed but truth has
endurance. Integrity is not found in company brochures or titles but in a person's
character.
Is it worth compromising one's integrity and taking shortcuts to win? A person may win a
trophy but knowing the truth, can never be a happy person. More important than
winning a trophy is being a good human being.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera110

A POUND OF BUTTER
There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to the baker. One day the baker decided
to weigh the butter to see if he was getting a pound and he found that he was not. This
angered him and he took the farmer to court. The judge asked the farmer if he was
using any measure. The farmer replied, amour Honor, I am primitive. I don't have a
proper measure, but I do have a scale." The judge asked, "Then how do you weigh the
butter?" The farmer replied "Your Honor, long before the baker started buying butter
from me, I have been buying a pound loaf of bread from him. Every day when the baker
brings the bread, I put it on the scale and give him the same weight in butter. If anyone
is to be blamed, it is the baker." What is the moral of the story? We get back in life what
we give to others.
Whenever you take an action, ask yourself this question: Am I giving fair value for the
wages or money I hope to make?
Honesty and dishonesty become a habit. Some people practice dishonesty and can lie
with a straight face. Others lie so much that they don't even know what the truth is
anymore. But who are they deceiving? Themselves--- more than anyone else.
Honesty can be put across gently. Some people take pride in being brutally honest. It
seems they are getting a bigger kick out of the brutality than the honesty. Choice of
words and tact are important.
Truth May Not Always Be What You Want to Hear
One can be truthful without being cruel but that may not always be the case. The most
important responsibility of an honest friend is to be truthful. Some people, in order to
avoid confronting painful truths, select friends who tell them what they want to hear.
They kid themselves despite the fact that deep down they know they are not being
truthful. Honest criticism can be painful. If you have many acquaintances and few
friends, it is time to step back and explore the depth of your relationships.
A lack of honesty is sometimes labeled as tact, public relations or politics. But is it really
so?
The problem with lying is that one has to remember one's lies.
Honesty requires firmness and commitment. How many times have we all been guilty of
0♦little white lies?
0♦flattery?
0♦omitting facts or giving half-truths?
0♦telling the greatest lies by remaining silent?
Make yourself an honest man and then you may be sure there is one rascal less in the
world.
--Thomas Carlyle

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera111

Credibility
We all know the story of the shepherd boy who cried wolf. The boy decided to have
some fun at the expense of the villagers. He shouted, "Help, help, the wolf is here." The
villagers heard him and came to his rescue. But when they got there, they saw no wolf
and the boy laughed at them. They went away. The next day, the boy played the same
trick and the same thing happened.
Then one day, while the boy was taking care of his sheep he actually saw a wolf and
shouted for help. The people in the village heard him but this time nobody came to his
rescue. They thought it was another trick and didn't trust him anymore. He lost his
sheep to the wolf. What is the moral of the story?
The moral of the story is

0♦When people tell lies, they lose credibility.
0♦Once they have lost credibility, even when they tell the truth, no one believes them.
The Quality of a Good Character is Honesty
Truth can be misrepresented in two ways:
1. Incomplete facts or information
2. Exaggeration
BEWARE OF HALF-TRUTHS OR MISREPRESENTATION OF TRUTHS
There was a sailor who worked on the same boat for three years. One night he got
drunk. This was the first time it ever happened. The captain recorded it in the log, "The
sailor was drunk tonight." The sailor read it, and he knew this comment would affect his
career, so he went to the captain, apologized and asked the captain to add that it only
happened once in three years which was the complete truth. The captain refused and
said, "What I have written in the log is the truth."
The next day it was the sailor's turn to fill in the log. He wrote, "The captain was sober
tonight." The captain read the comment and asked the sailor to change or add to it
explaining the complete truth because this implied that the captain was drunk every
other night. The sailor told the captain that what he had written in the log was the truth.
Both statements were true but they conveyed misleading messages;
Exaggeration
Exaggeration does two things:
1. It weakens a person's case and makes him lose credibility.
2. It is like an addiction. It becomes a habit. Some people can't tell the truth without
exaggerating.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera112

Be Sincere
Sincerity is a matter of intent and hard to prove. We can achieve our goals by having a
sincere desire to help others.
Stay Away from Pretense
Asking a friend in trouble, "Is there anything I can do for you," is really annoying. It is
more of an eyewash and pretense. If you really want to help, think of something
appropriate to be done and then do it.
Many people put on the cloak of sincerity more out of selfishness than substance,
hoping that some day they could claim the right to receive help.
Stay away from meaningless and phony pleasantries.
Caution--Sincerity is no measure of good judgment. Someone could be sincere, yet
wrong.
ACTIONS; SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS
WHICH LOVED BEST?
"I love you, Mother," said little John; Then,
forgetting his work, his cap went on, And he
was off to the garden swing,
And left her the water and wood to bring. "I
love you, Mother," said rosy Nell--

"I love you better than tongue can tell";
Then she teased and pouted full half the day, Till
her mother rejoiced when she went to play. "I love
you, Mother," said little Fan;
"Today I'll help you all I can;
How glad I am that school doesn't keep!"
So she rocked the babe till it fell asleep.
Then, stepping softly, she fetched the broom,
And swept the floor and tidied the room;
Busy and happy all day was she,
Helpful and happy as child could be.
"I love you, Mother," again they said,
Three little children going to bed;
How do you think that mother guessed
Which of them really loved her best?

--Joy Allison*

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera113

Maintain Integrity
Ancient wisdom says, "Anything that is bought or sold has no value unless it contains
the secret, priceless ingredient-that, what cannot be traded." What is it? The secret,
priceless ingredient of every product is the credibility, the honor and integrity of the one
who makes it. It is not so secret but it is priceless.
Here is Another Side to Integrity--Questionable
Three executives were fighting over who would pay the bill for lunch. One said, "I will
pay, I can get a tax deduction." The other said, "Let me have it, I will get reimbursement
from my company." The third said, "Let me pay, because I am filing for bankruptcy next
week."
Step 20: Practice Humility
Confidence without humility is arrogance. Humility is the foundation of all virtues. It is a
sign of greatness. Sincere humility attracts but false humility detracts.
* In The Book of Virtues, edited by William J. Bennett, Simon & Schuster, New York,
1993, p. 204.
Many years ago, a rider came across some soldiers who were trying to move a heavy
log without success. The corporal was standing by as the men struggled. The rider
asked the corporal why he wasn't helping. The corporal replied, "I am the corporal; i
give orders." The
rider dismounted, went up and stood by the soldiers and as they were lifting the log, he
helped them. With his help, the log got moved. The rider quietly mounted his horse and
went to the corporal and said, "The next time your men need help, send for the
Commander-in-Chief." After he left, the corporal and his men found out that the rider
was George Washington.
The message is pretty clear. Success and humility go hand in hand. When others blow
your horn, the sound goes further. Just think about it? Simplicity and humility are two
hallmarks of greatness. Humility does not mean self-demeaning behavior. That would
amount to belittling oneself.
Step 21: Be Understanding and Caring
In relationships we all make mistakes and sometimes we are insensitive to the needs of
others, especially those very close to us. All this leads to disappointment and
resentment. The answer to handling disappointment is understanding.
Relationships don't come about because people are perfect. They come about because
of understanding.
There is more gratification in being a caring person than in just being a nice person. A
caring attitude builds goodwill which is the best kind of insurance that a person can
have and it doesn't cost a thing.

Some people substitute money for caring and understanding. Being understanding is far
more important than money and the best way to be understood is to be understanding.
And the basis of real communication is also to be understanding.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera114

Practice Generosity
It is a sign of emotional maturity. Being generous is being thoughtful and considerate
without being asked. Generous people experience the richness of life which a selfish
person cannot even dream of.
Be considerate; selfishness brings its own revenge. Be sensitive to other people's
feelings.
Be Tactful
Tact is very important in any relationship. Tact is the ability to make a point without
alienating the other person.
Kindness
Money will buy a great dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail. It is never too
soon for kindness because we don't know how soon is too late.
Kindness is a language the deaf can hear and the blind can see. It is better to treat a
friend with kindness while he is living than display flowers on his grave when he is dead.
An act of kindness makes a person feel good regardless of whether he is doing it or it is
done to him. Kind words never hurt the tongue.
Step 22: Practice Courtesy on a Daily Basis
Courtesy is nothing more than consideration for others. It opens doors that would not
otherwise open. A courteous person who is not very sharp, will go further in life than a
discourteous but sharp person.
It is the little things that make a big difference. Have you ever been bitten by an
elephant? The most obvious answer is no. Have you ever been bitten by a mosquito?
Most of us have. It is the little irritants that test patience. Courtesy is made of nothing
more than many petty sacrifices.
Small courtesies will take a person much further than cleverness. Courtesy is an
offshoot of deep moral behavior. It costs nothing but pays well.
No one is too big or too busy to practice courtesy. Courtesy means giving your seat to
the elderly or to the disabled. Courtesy can be a warm smile, a thank-you. It is a small
investment but the payoffs are big. It enhances the other person's self-worth.
Courtesy requires humility. It is unfortunate when people become obnoxious, because
they detract from their positive traits. I have overheard people saying with pride, "I can
be pretty obnoxious."
Scatter the seeds of courtesy wherever you can. Some are bound to take root and
elevate you in the eyes of others.
Manners
Courtesy and manners go hand in hand. It is equally important, if not more, to practice
manners at home and not just on outsiders. Showing consideration and good manners
brings out a feeling of warmth and acceptance in the home. Courtesy means practicing

good manners.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera115

Besides being self-satisfying, politeness and courtesy have many more advantages
than rude behavior. Considering that, I wonder why more people don't practice courtesy.
Rude and discourteous people may get short term results. Most people like to avoid
dealing with such behavior and in the long run, rude people are disliked. Courteous
behavior ought to be taught to children at an early age so that they can grow and
become mature, considerate adults. Courteous behavior, once learned, stays for life. It
demonstrates a caring attitude and a sensitivity to other people's feelings. It seems
trivial and unimportant, but little phrases such as, "please," "thank you" and "I'm sorry"
take a person a long way.
Remember, being courteous will breed courtesy in return. Practice as much and as
often as you can. Initially, it may take some effort, but the effort is well worth it.
Politeness is the hallmark of gentleness. Courtesy is another name for politeness. It
costs a little but pays a lot, not only to the individual but to the entire organization.
Have you noticed that sometimes when one person is telling a joke, another person will
jump in and give the punch line, drawing attention to himself. And after everyone laughs
he will reveal where he read it. This may show superior knowledge but it shows inferior
manners.
Courtesy Shows Good Upbringing
Many brilliant and talented people have destroyed their own success because they lack
courtesy and manners. Politeness and courtesy are signs of being cultured. Rudeness
and discourtesy show the lack of it. Treat other people with respect and dignity.
Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.
--Eric Hoffer
Step 23: Develop a Sense of Humor
Have a sense of humor and you will possess the ability to laugh at yourself. A sense of
humor makes a person likable and attractive. Some people are humor-impaired. Learn
to laugh at yourself because it is the safest humor. Laughing at yourself gives you the
energy to bounce back. Laughter is a natural tranquilizer for people all over the world.
Humor may not change the message, but it certainly can help to take the sting out of the
bite.
THE HEALING POWER OF HUMOR
Dr. Norman Cousins, author of Anatomy of an Illness, is a prime example of how a
person can cure himself of a terminal illness. He had a 1-in-500 chance of recovery, but
Cousin wanted to prove that if there was anything like mind over matter, he'd make it a
reality. He figured if negative emotions caused negative chemicals in our body, then the
reverse must be true too. Positive emotions, like happiness and laughter, would bring
positive chemicals into our system. He moved from the hospital to a hotel and rented
humorous movies and literally cured himself by laughing. Of course, medical help is
important, but the will to live for the patient is equally, if not more, important.
A funny bone could be a lifesaver. Besides, it makes life's adversities easier to handle.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera116

Step 24: Don't Be Sarcastic and Put Others Down
Negative people's humor may include sarcasm, putdowns and hurtful remarks. Any
humor involving sarcasm that makes fun of others is in poor taste. An injury is forgiven
more easily than an insult.
When someone blushes with embarrassment, when someone carries away an ache,
when something sacred is made to appear common, when someone's weakness
provides the laughter, when profanity is required to make it funny, when a child is
brought to tears or when everyone can't join in the laughter, it's a poor joke.
--Cliff Thomas
To a sadist everything is funny, so long as it is happening to someone else. It is not an
uncommon sight to see boys throwing stones at frogs just to have fun. The boys' fun
means death to the frogs. It is not fun for the frogs.
Humor can be valuable or dangerous, depending on whether you are laughing with
someone or at someone. When humor involves making fun of or ridiculing others, it is
not in good taste nor is it innocent. Hurting others' feelings can be cruel. Some people
get their fun by putting others down. Sarcasm alienates people. It is a good idea to keep
humor low risk.
Step 25: To Have a Friend, Be a Friend
We keep looking for the right employer, the right employee, spouse, parent, child, and
so on. We forget that we have to be the right person too. Experience has shown that
there is no perfect person, no perfect job, no perfect spouse. When we look for
perfection, we are disappointed because all we find is that we traded one set of
problems for another set of problems. Having lived in the West for over 20 years, I have
observed that with the high divorce rate the way it is, people find after they get married
for the second time that their new spouse doesn't have the problems of the first one but
has a totally new set of problems. Similarly, people change jobs or fire employees
looking for the right one only to find that they traded one set of problems for another.
Let's try and work around these challenges and make divorcing or firing the last rather
than the first resort.
Sacrifice
Friendship takes sacrifice. Building friendships and relationships takes sacrifice, loyalty,
and maturity. Sacrifice takes going out of one's way and never happens by the way.
Selfishness destroys friendships. Casual acquaintances come easy but true friendships
take time to build and effort to keep. Friendships are put to tests and when they endure,
they grow stronger. We must learn to recognize counterfeit relationships. True friends
do not want to see their friends hurt. True friendship gives more than it gets and stands
by adversity.
Fair-Weather Friend

A fair-weather friend is like a banker who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and takes it back the minute it rains.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera117

Two men were traveling through the forest and came across a bear. One of them
quickly climbed a tree but the other was unable to, so he lay on the ground and played
dead. The bear sniffed around his ear and left. The fellow from the tree came down and
asked him, "What did the bear tell you?" The man replied, "He said, don't trust a friend
who deserts you in danger." The message is as dear as daylight.
Mutual trust and confidence are the foundation stone of all friendship.
People Make Friends for Different Motives
Friendships can be categorized as follows:
1. Friendship of pleasure. You are a friend so long as the relationship is entertaining
and fun, i.e., a fair weather friend.
2. Friendship of convenience. This is where people make friendships to gain favors.
These friendships last until the usefulness of the other person ends. These
friendships are not permanent.
3. True friendship. This is based on mutual respect and admiration. True friends are
people who have the good of each other at heart and act accordingly. Good deeds
come back to us in the form of good friends. There is lasting goodness on both
sides. It is based on character and commitment.
Prosperity brings friends, adversity reveals them. Fair weather friendship is described
well by the following poem:
Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go;

They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many; Be
sad, and you lose them all

There are none to decline your nectar Ed wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.
--Ella Wheeler Wilcox
People who are true friends in the real sense help one another, but these are not favors.
They are acts incidental to friendship. And if they don't help they would be failing in their
relationships.
Relationships don't just happen, they take time to build. They are built on kindness,
understanding, and self sacrifice, not on jealousy, selfishness, puffed up egos, and rude
behavior.
Relationships should never be taken for granted. Once relationships are established,
they need to be nurtured constantly. Nobody is perfect. Expecting perfection is setting

yourself up for disappointment.

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Friendly Cooperation
It is difficult to achieve success without the friendly cooperation of others. A pleasing
personality is flexible and adaptable while maintaining composure. Flexibility does not
mean flimsy or helpless behavior. It means assessing and responding appropriately and
in a timely manner to a given situation. Flexibility does not stretch to principles and
values.
Step 26: Show Empathy
The wrong we do to others and what we suffer are weighed differently. Empathy alone is
a very important characteristic of a positive personality. People with empathy ask
themselves this question: "How would I feel if someone treated me that way?"
A PUPPY
A boy went to the pet store to buy a puppy. Four of them were sitting together, priced at
$50 each. Then there was one sitting alone in a corner. The boy asked if that was from
the same litter, if it was for sale, and why it was sitting alone. The store owner replied
that it was from the same litter, it was a deformed one, and not for sale.
The boy asked what the deformity was. The store owner replied that the puppy was
born without a hip socket and had a leg missing. The boy asked, "What will you do with
this one?" The reply was it would be put to sleep. The boy asked if he could play with
that puppy. The store owner said, "Sure." The boy picked the puppy up and the puppy
licked him on the ear. Instantly the boy decided that was the puppy he wanted to buy.
The store owner said "That is not for sale!" The boy insisted.
The store owner agreed. The boy pulled out $2 from his pocket and ran to get $48 from
his mother. As he reached the door the store owner shouted after him, "I don't
understand why you would pay full money for this one when you could buy a good one
for the same price." The boy didn't say a word. He just lifted his left trouser leg and he
was wearing a brace. The pet store owner said, "I understand. Go ahead, take this
one." This is empathy.
Be Sympathetic
When you share sorrow, it divides; when you share happiness, it multiplies.
* In The Book of Virtues, edited by William J. Bennett, Simon & Schuster, New York,
1993, p. 553.
What is the Difference Between Sympathy and Empathy?
Sympathy is, "I understand how you feel." Empathy is, "I feel how you feel." Both
sympathy and empathy are important. But of the two, empathy is certainly more
important.
When we empathize with our customers, employers, employees, and families, what

happens to our relationships? They improve. It generates understanding, loyalty, peace
of mind, and higher productivity.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera119

How do you judge the character of a person or, for that matter, of a community or a
country? It is very easy. Just observe how the person or community treats these three
categories of people:
1. The disabled
2. The elderly
3. Their subordinates
These are the three groups of people who cannot stand up as equals for their rights.
Be a Better Person
Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with
the striving and tolerant of the weak and wrong. Because some time in our lives we
would have been all of these ourselves.
--Lloyd Shearer, 1986
ACTION PLAN
1. Commit to accepting responsibility for your actions.
2. Identify specifically one area in each category where you will accept
greater responsibility:
1) Home
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(b) Work
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(a) Social Life
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What three items are you committing to practice after you finish this chapter?
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Write down your commitments and read them daily for the next 21 days.
CHAPTER 6
SUBCONSCIOUS MIND & HABIT
Building a pleasing personality
We are all born to lead successful lives but our conditioning leads us to failure. We are
born to win but are conditioned to lose. We often hear statements like, this person is just
lucky, he touches dirt and it turns to gold or, he is unlucky, no matter what he touches, it
turns to dirt. This is not true. If you analyze, the successful person is doing something
right in each transaction and the failure is repeating the same mistake in each
transaction. Remember, practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice makes
perfect. Practice makes permanent whatever you do repeatedly. Some people keep
practicing their mistakes and they become perfect in them. So their mistakes become
perfect and automatic.
Professionals make things look easy because they have mastered the fundamentals of
whatever they do. Many people do good work with promotions in mind. But the one to
whom good work becomes a habit is deserving.
Cultivating a habit is like plowing the field. It takes time. It has to grow from within.
Habits generate other habits. Inspiration is what gets a person started, motivation is
what keeps him on track and habit is what makes it automatic.
The ability to show courage in the face of adversity; show self-restraint in the face of
temptation; choose happiness in the face of hurt; show character in the face of despair;
see opportunity in the face of obstacles. These traits are not coincidences; they are the
result of constant and consistent training, both mental and physical. In the face of
adversity our behavior can only be the one we have practiced, regardless of whether it
is positive or negative. When we practice negative traits such as cowardice or
dishonesty in small events, hoping to handle the major ones in a positive way, the latter
wouldn't happen because that is not what we have practiced.
When we permit ourselves to tell a lie once, it is a lot easier to do it a second and a third
time until it becomes a habit. Success lies in the philosophy of sustain and abstain.
Sustain what needs to be done and abstain from what is detrimental until this becomes
habitual. Human beings are more emotional than rational. Honesty and integrity are
both the result of our belief system and practice. Anything we practice long enough
becomes ingrained into our system and becomes a habit. A person who is honest most

of the time gets caught the first time he tells a lie. Whereas a person who is dishonest
most of the time gets caught the first time he tells the truth. Honesty and dishonesty to
self and others both become habits.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera121

Our thinking pattern becomes habitual. We form habits and habits form character.
Before you realize that you have got the habit, the habit has got you. We need to form
the habit of thinking right.
Someone once said, "Our thoughts lead to actions, actions lead to habits, and habits
form character." Character leads to destiny.
FORM GOOD HABITS
Most of our behavior is habitual. It comes automatically without thinking. Character is
the sum total of our habits. If a person has positive habits, then he is considered a
positive character. A person with negative habits is a negative character. Habits are a lot
stronger than logic and reasoning. Habits start by being too weak to be felt, and end up
becoming too strong to get out of. Habits can be developed by default or determination.
I remember as a child my parents telling me, "You should form good habits because
habits form character."
How Do We Form Habits ?
Anything we do repeatedly becomes a habit. We learn by doing. By behaving
courageously, we learn courage. By practicing honesty and fairness, we learn these
traits. By practicing these traits, we master them. Similarly if we practice negative traits
such as dishonesty, unjust behavior, or lack of discipline, that is what we become good
at. Attitudes are habits. They are behavior patterns. They become a state of mind and
dictate our responses.
CONDITIONING
Most of our behavior comes as a result of conditioning-it is habitual. If we want to do
anything well, it must become automatic. If we have to consciously think about doing the
right thing we will never be able to do it well. That means we must make it a habit.
We are all being conditioned continuously by the environment and the media, and we
start behaving like robots. It is our responsibility to condition ourselves in a positive
manner.
When I was a student of martial arts, I observed that even the black belts were
practicing blockpunch, the basics, because if they needed to use these skills, they had
to come automatically.
Good habits are hard to come by but easy to live with. Bad habits come easy but are
hard to live with.
HOW DO WE GET CONDITIONED ?
Think of the mighty elephant who can lift in excess of a ton of weight with just its trunk.
How do they condition the elephant to stay in one place with a weak rope and a stake?
The elephant, when it is a baby, is tied to a strong chain and a strong tree.
The baby is weak but the chain and tree are strong. The baby is not used to being tied.
So it keeps tugging and pulling the chain, all in vain. A day comes when it realizes that
all the tugging and pulling will not help. It stops and stands still. Now it is conditioned.
And when the baby elephant becomes the mighty giant elephant, he is tied with a weak
rope and a small stake. The elephant could, with one tug, walk away free, but it goes
nowhere, because it has been conditioned.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera122

Human beings are constantly being conditioned, consciously or unconsciously, by
exposure to:
0♦the kind of books we read;
0♦the kind of movies and TV programs we watch;
0♦the kind of music we listen to;
0♦the kind of company we keep.
While driving to work, if we listen to the same music every day for several days, and if
the tape deck breaks down, guess what tune we will be humming?
Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different
results. If you keep doing what you have been doing, you will keep getting what you
have gotten. The most difficult thing about changing a habit is unlearning what is not
working and learning positive habits.
THE GIGO PRINCIPLE
The computer phrase GIGO (garbage in, garbage out) is very sound.
Negativity in; negativity our.
Positivity in; positivity out.
Good in; good out.
Our input equals our output. Our subconscious mind does not discriminate. Whatever
we choose to put into our subconscious mind it will accept and our behavior will reflect
that accordingly.
The television has a considerable impact on influencing our morals, thinking, and
culture, for good or bad. TV, while bringing in lots of useful information, has also made
an outstanding contribution to degrading our tastes, corrupting our morals, and
increasing juvenile delinquency. That is a pretty high price for so-called free speech or
free television. The number of violent acts seen on TV by the age of 18 tops
200,000.*
Advertisers are good at conditioning their audience. Obviously advertisements sell
products, otherwise why would companies advertise? When we watch TV or listen to a
radio advertisement, our conscious mind is not listening, but our subconscious is open
and we receive whatever is being dumped in. Have you ever argued with the TV? Of
course not!
When we go to the movies we laugh and we cry. Is it because they put something in the
seats or because the emotional input has an immediate emotional output?
Change the input and the output changes.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera123

THE CONSCIOUS AND SUBCONSCIOUS MIND
Remember, our conscious mind has the ability to think. It can accept or reject. But the
subconscious only accepts, it makes no distinction regarding input. If we feed our mind
with thoughts of fear, doubt, and hate, the auto-suggestions will activate and translate
those things into reality. The subconscious is the data bank. Of the two, the
subconscious is more powerful. The subconscious is like the automobile while the
conscious is like the driver. The power is in the automobile but the control is with the
driver.
The subconscious mind can work for or against us. It is not rational. When we are not
successful we need to reprogram the subconscious.
The subconscious mind is like a garden; it doesn't care what you plant. It is neutral; it
has no preferences. But if you plant good seeds, you will have a good garden; otherwise
you will have a wild growth of weeds. I'd go a step further to say, even when you plant
good seeds, weeds still grow and the weeding process must continue constantly.
The human mind is no different. Remember, positive and negative thoughts can't
occupy the mind simultaneously.
Companies spend close to a million dollars for a 30second ad during a major event.
Obviously, they are getting.results. We see an ad for a particular brand of soft drink or
toothpaste and we go to the supermarket and buy that brand. We don't want any soft
drink but only that brand. Why? Because we are programmed and act accordingly.
In order to succeed, we need to get programmed in a positive way.
* source: "As in Selling Power", National Times, March 1996, p. 40.
HOW DO WE GET PROGRAMMED ?
Think how we learned to ride a bike. There are four stages: The first stage is called
unconscious incompetence. This is a stage where we don't know that we don't know.
The
child doesn't know what it is to ride a bike (unconscious) nor can he ride a bike
(incompetence). This is the stage of unconscious incompetence.
The second stage is called consciously incompetent. This is the stage where the child
grows and becomes conscious of what it is to ride a bike but cannot ride one himself, so
he is consciously incompetent.
But then he starts learning and now comes a third stage which is called consciously
competent. Now he can ride a bike but has to think every time to do it. So with all the
conscious thought and effort, the child is competent to ride a bike.
The fourth stage is called unconsciously competent. It comes when the child has
practiced consciously riding the bike so much that he doesn't have to think. It becomes
an automatic process. He can talk to people and wave to others while riding. That
means he has reached the stage of unconscious competence. At this level, we don't
need the concentration and thinking because the behavior pattern has become
automatic.
This is the level that we want all our positive habits to reach. Unfortunately, we have
some negative habits too which are at the unconscious competence stage and are
detrimental to our progress.

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Studies have shown that approximately 90% of all smokers became smokers by the age
of 21. If a person has not become a smoker by the age of 21, then there is a very small
chance that that person will ever become a smoker. This only proves that smoking is
conditioned subconsciously and our conditioning starts at a young age.
NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM
I have two nephews aged 12 and 14 who are tennis buffs. One day their father said to
me, "This game is getting very expensive. The boys go through the rackets, balls, lawn
fees and now they have a coach. It all costs money." So I asked him, "It is getting
expensive compared with what?" He could have them stop playing tennis and save
some money. But if they stopped, and came home from school with all their time and
energy at hand, what would they do? He stopped to think quietly for some time and then
said, "I think I will have them continue. It is cheaper this way." He realized the
importance of keeping them involved in positive activities. Otherwise they would be
attracted to the negative because nature abhors a vacuum. Either we have a positive or
we have a negative; there is no neutral ground here.
Character building becomes a habit. If we want to build a pleasing personality, we have
to examine our habits closely. What begins as an occasional indulgence turns into a
permanent flaw. Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Do you let the quality of your work deteriorate?
2. Do you indulge in gossip?
3. Are envy and ego a constant companion?
4. Is empathy in short supply?
We could go on and on. We are creatures of habit. It is good that it is that way because
if we have to constantly think before doing anything, we would never get anything done.
There is just not enough time.
We control our habits by exercising control and self discipline over our thoughts. We
need to harness the power of the subconscious mind. We need to cultivate the habits
during childhood which build character in adulthood. Plant the right things early in life.
But it is never too late to start. Every exposure to a positive or negative makes a
difference. Learning new habits takes time but positive habits, once mastered, give new
meaning to life.
Optimism or pessimism is a habit. Habits are a matter of the pain and pleasure principle.
We do things either to avoid pain or to gain pleasure. So long as the gain is more than
the pain, we continue with the habit. But if the pain exceeds the gain, we drop it. For
example, when the doctor tells the smoker to stop, he replies "I can't! It is a habit and I
enjoy it!" and he goes on smoking. Here the pleasure is greater than the pain. Until one
day he is faced with a major medical problem, and the doctor says
"You better stop smoking immediately if you want to live" and he stops. Here the pain is
greater than the pleasure.
RESISTANCE TO CHANGE
When people recognize or become aware of their negative habits, why don't they
change?

The reason they don't change is because they refuse to accept responsibility. Besides,
the pleasure of continuing is greater than the pain. They may:

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0♦Lack the desire to change
0♦Lack the discipline to change
0♦Lack the belief that they can change
0♦Lack the awareness for the need to change
All these factors prevent us from getting rid of our negative habits. We all have a choice.
We can ignore negative behavior and hope it will go away--the ostrich approach--or face
up to it and overcome it for life. Behavior modification comes from overcoming irrational
fears and getting out of the comfort zone. Remember, fear is a learned behavior and
can be unlearned.
The following excuses are the most common explanations for not changing negative
habits:
1. We have always done it that way.
2. We have never done it that way.
3. That is not my job.
4. I don't think it will make any difference.
5. I'm too busy.
FORMING POSITIVE HABITS
It is never too late to change. Regardless of our age or how old the habit has been, this
can be done by awareness and using techniques that modify behavior. We hear all the
time that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. We are human beings, not dogs. Neither
are we performing tricks. We can unlearn self-destructive behavior and learn positive
behavior.
The secret of successful people is that they form the habit of doing things that failures
don't like to do and won't do. Just think about the things that failures don't like to do.
They are the same things that successful people don't like to do but they do them
anyway. For example, failures don't like discipline, hard work, or keeping commitments.
Successful people also dislike discipline, hard work (an athlete doesn't like and want the
discipline to get up and train every day but he does it regardless), but they do it anyway
because they have formed the habit of doing things that failures don't like to do.
All habits start small but end up eventually being very difficult to break. Attitudes are
habits and can be changed. It is a question of breaking and replacing old negative
habits with new and positive ones.
It is easier to prevent bad habits than to overcome them. Good habits come from
overcoming temptation. Happiness and unhappiness are a habit.
Excellence is the result of repeated conscious effort until it becomes a habit. It needs
enough practice to become a habit.
We all have some negative habits that are pulling us down. Take 15 minutes alone and
undisturbed to make a list of all the negative habits that are pulling you down.
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__Take 15 minutes alone and undisturbed to make a list of all positive habits you want
to develop.
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“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera128

21-DAY FORMULA TO FORM POSITIVE HABITS
Auto-Suggestion
What is auto-suggestion? An auto-suggestion is a statement made in the present tense,
of the kind of person you want to be. Auto-suggestions are like writing a commercial to
yourself about yourself, for yourself. They influence both your conscious and
subconscious mind which in turn influence attitude and behavior.
Auto-suggestions are a way to program your subconscious mind. They can be either
positive or negative.
Examples of negative auto-suggestions are:

0♦I'm tired.
0♦I'm not an athlete.
0♦I have a poor memory.
0♦I'm not good at math.
When we repeat to ourselves a negative auto-suggestion, our subconscious mind
believes it and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and starts reflecting in our behavior.
For example, when I am talking to someone and I forget what I had to say, I tell the
other person, "See, I forgot what I wanted to say. I have such a poor memory."
People who come into contact with crime the first time, hate it. With constant exposure
they get used to it and if the exposure is long enough, they may embrace it. And they
become creators of their own misfortune.
When a person repeats a belief long enough, it sinks into the subconscious and
becomes reality. A lie repeated long enough becomes accepted as the truth.
Positive auto-suggestions are being widely used in the field of sports and medicine.
Why make positive statements? Because we want to create a picture in our minds of
what we want to have rather than what we don't. Any picture that we hold in our mind
becomes reality. Auto-suggestions are a process of repetition. A person who repeats a
statement long enough lets it sink into the subconscious mind. For example, I am
relaxed. I am cool, calm and collected.
Auto-suggestions should not be practiced in a negative way I am not tense. I won't be
angry.
Positive statements are made because we think in pictures and not in words. If I say
"Don't think of the blue elephant," what is the first picture that comes to your mind?
The blue elephant.
If I say "mother," what comes to your mind? A picture of your mother. Did you start
spelling m-o-t-h-e-r? Of course not!
When a negative word comes in the auto-suggestion, it forms a negative picture which
we want to avoid.
Why in the present tense? Because our mind cannot tell the difference between a real
experience and an imagined one. For example, parents are expecting their child to

come home at 9:30 p.m. but the kid is not home and it is now 1 a.m. What is going
through the parents' mind? They are probably hoping everything's okay. "I hope the

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera129

kid didn't get into an accident." What is happening to their blood pressure? It is going up!
This is an imagined experience. The reality could be that the kid is having fun at a party,
is irresponsible, and did not get home when he was supposed to.
Now reverse the scenario. Supposing the kid was very responsible and was actually
coming home at 9:30 p.m. but got into an accident, and still didn't get home at 1 a.m.
What is happening to the parents' blood pressure? It is still going up! The first scenario
was an imagined experience. The second one was a real experience but the body's
response in both cases was identical. Our mind cannot tell the difference between a real
and an imagined experience.
Prepare the Subsconscious
How can we use auto-suggestions to eliminate negative habits and develop positive
ones? We have all used auto-suggestions unconsciously. For example, when you have
to catch an early morning flight, you automatically tell yourself that you have got to get
up. And invariably, you do (sometimes, even without an alarm clock). A prepared
subconscious mind has hunches and gut feelings.
Auto-suggestion is a way to program and condition our mind to make a statement into a
self-fulfilling prophecy.
Auto-suggestion is a repetitive process through which we feed our subconscious with
positive statements which translate into reality. Repetition alone is not enough, unless it
is accompanied by emotions and feelings.
Auto-suggestions without visualization will not produce results. The first time our mind
receives an autosuggestion it rejects it. Why? It is an alien thought, contrary to our belief
system. Success would depend on our ability to concentrate and repeat the process.
Steps to follow on auto-suggestions.
1. Go to a spot where you won't be disturbed.
2. Write down your suggestions.
The self-discipline to finish what one starts, is imperative. Auto-suggestion is a powerful
character building tool.
Translating Auto-Suggestion into Reality
1. Make a list of your auto-suggestions in the present tense.
2. Repeat auto-suggestions at least twice a day: first thing in the morning and at the
end of the day. This is because in the morning, the mind is fresh and receptive and
at night you deposit the positive picture into your subconscious overnight.
3. Repeat it consecutively for 21 days until it becomes a habit.
4. Auto-suggestions alone will not work. They need visualization.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera130

VISUALIZATION
Visualization is the process of creating and seeing a mental picture of the kind of thing
you want to have or do, or the kind of person you want to be. Visualization goes hand in
hand with auto-suggestion. Auto-suggestion without visualization is mechanical
repetition and will be ineffective. In order to see results, auto-suggestion must be
accompanied by feelings and emotions (visualization).
CAUTION! Auto-suggestion may not be acceptable to the mind the first time you do it
because it is an alien thought. For example, if for the past few decades I have believed
that I have a poor memory and now all of a sudden, I tell myself, "I have a good
memory!", my mind will throw it out, saying, "You liar! You have a bad memory!"
Because that is what it has believed up to this point. It will take 21 days to dispel this
notion. Why 21 days? Because it takes a minimum of 21 days of conscious, consecutive
practice to formulate a habit.
The big question is: Is 21 days of conscious effort a heavy price to pay to change a
lifetime for the better? It all sounds simple but it is not easy. I am not surprised to see
how few people go through this routine.
ACTION PLAN
1. Make a list of your auto-suggestions
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2. Repeat the 21-day program with visualizations.
CHAPTER 7
GOAL-SETTING
Setting & Achieving your goals
Knowledge helps you to reach your destination provided you know what the destination
is.
An ancient Indian sage was teaching his disciples the art of archery. He put a wooden
bird as the target and asked them to aim at the eye of the bird. The first disciple was
asked to describe what he saw. He said, "I see the trees, the branches, the leaves, the
sky, the bird and its eye.."

The sage asked this disciple to wait. Then he asked the second disciple the same
question and he replied, "I only see the eye of the bird." The sage said, "Very good,
then shoot." The arrow went straight and hit the eye of the bird.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera131

What is the moral of the story? Unless we focus, we cannot achieve our goal. It is hard
to focus and concentrate, but it is a skill that can be learned.
On the journey to life's highway, keep your eyes upon the
goal. Focus on the donut, not upon the hole.
--Anonymous
KEEP YOUR EYES UPON THE GOAL
On July 4, 1952, Florence Chadwick was on her way to becoming the first woman to
swim the Catalina Channel. She had already conquered the English Channel. The
world was watching. Chadwick fought the dense fog, bone-chilling cold and many times,
the sharks. She was striving to reach the shore but every time she looked through her
goggles, all she could see was the dense fog. Unable to see the shore, she gave up.
Chadwick was disappointed when she found out that she was only half a mile from the
coast. She quit, not because she was a quitter but because her goal was not in sight
anywhere. The elements didn't stop her. She said, "I'm not making excuses. If only I had
seen the land, I could have made it."
Two months later, she went back and swam the Catalina Channel. This time, in spite of
the bad weather, she had her goal in mind and not only accomplished it but beat the
men's record by two hours.
Why are Goals Important?
On the best sunny day, the most powerful magnifying glass will not light paper if you
keep moving the glass. But if you focus and hold it, the paper will light up. That is the
power of concentration.
A man was traveling and stopped at an intersection. He asked an elderly man, "Where
does this road take me?" The elderly person asked, "Where do you want to go?" The
man replied, "I don't know." The elderly person said, "Then take any road. What
difference does it make?"
How true. When we don't know where we are going, any road will take us there.
Supposing you have the football eleven enthusiastically ready to play the game, all
charged up, and then someone took the goal post away. What would happen to the
game? There is nothing left. How do you keep score? How do you know you have
arrived? Enthusiasm without direction is like wildfire and leads to frustration. Goals give
a sense of direction.
Would you sit in a train or a plane without knowing where it was going? The obvious
answer is no. Then why do people go through life without having any goals?
DREAMS
People confuse goals with dreams and wishes. Dreams and wishes are nothing more
than desires. Desires are weak. Desires become strong when they are supported by
0♦direction

0♦dedication

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera132

0♦determination
0♦discipline
0♦deadlines
That is what differentiates a desire from a goal. Goals are dreams with a deadline and
an action plan. Goals can be worthy or unworthy. It is passion, not wishing, that turns
dreams into reality.
Steps to turn a dream into reality:
1. Have a definite, clear written goal.
2. Have a plan to accomplish it.
3. Read the first two twice a day.
Why Don't More People Set Goals?
There are many reasons, including:
1. A pessimistic attitude--Always seeing the pitfalls rather than the
possibilities.
2. Fear of failure--What if I don't make it? People feel subconsciously that if they don't
set goals and if they don't make it, then they haven't failed. But they are failures to
begin with.
3. A lack of ambition--This is a result of our value system and lack of desire to live a
fulfilled life. Our limited thinking prevents us from progress. There was a fisherman
who, every time he caught a big fish, would throw it back into the river, keeping only
the smaller ones. A man watching this unusual behavior asked the fisherman why
he was doing this. The fisherman replied, "Because I have a small frying pan." Most
people never make it in life because they are carrying a small frying pan. That is
limited thinking.
4. A fear of rejection--If I don't make it, what will other people say?
5. Procrastination--"Someday, I will set my goals." This ties in with a lack of
ambition.
6. Low self-esteem--Because a person is not internally driven and has no
inspiration.
7. Ignorance of the importance of goals--Nobody taught them and they never learned
the importance of goal-setting.
8. A lack of knowledge about goal-setting--People don't know the mechanics of setting
goals. They need a step-by-step guide so that they can follow a system.
Goal setting is a series of steps. When you buy a plane ticket, what does it say?

Starting point

Price

Destination

Starting date

Class of travel

Expiry date

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera133

If you ask most people what is their one major objective in life, they would probably give
you a vague answer, such as, "I want to be successful, be happy, make a good living,"
and that is it. They are all wishes and none of them are clear goals. Goals must be
SMART:
1. S--specific. For example, "I want to lose weight."
This is wishful thinking. It becomes a goal when I pin myself down to "I will lose 10
pounds in 90 days."
2.M--must be measurable. If we cannot measure it, we cannot accomplish it.
Measurement is a way of monitoring our progress.
3.A--must be achievable. Achievable means that it should be out of reach enough to be
challenging but it should not be out of sight, otherwise it becomes disheartening.
4. R--realistic. A person who wants to lose 50 pounds in~30 days is being
unrealistic.
5. T--time-bound. There should be a starting date and a finishing date.
Goals can be:
1. short-term--up to one year.
2. mid-term--up to three years.
3. long-term--up to five years.
Goals can be longer than five years but then they become a purpose of life. And having
a purpose is very important because without one, it is possible to develop tunnel vision,
where we are only obsessed with achieving our goals. Goals are more easily achieved if
they are broken into small ones.
Life is hard by the yard,
but by the inch,
it's a cinch.
--Gean Gordon
Goals Must Be Balanced
Our life is like a wheel with six spokes.
1. Family. Our loved ones are the reason to live and make a living.
2. Financial. Represents our career and the things that money can buy.
3. Physical. Our health, without which nothing makes sense.
3. Mental. Represents knowledge and wisdom.
4. Social. Every individual and organization has social responsibility without which

society
starts dying.
6. Spiritual. Our value system represents ethics and character.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera134

If any of these spokes is out of line, our life goes out of balance. Take a few minutes and
just think. If you had any one of the six missing, what would life be like?
BALANCE
In 1923, eight of the wealthiest people in the world met. Their combined wealth, it is
estimated, exceeded the wealth of the government of the United States at that time.
These men certainly knew how to make a living and accumulate wealth. But let's
examine what happened to them 25 years later.
1. President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, lived on borrowed capital for
five years before he died bankrupt.
2. President of the largest gas company, Howard Hubson, went insane.
3. One of the greatest commodity traders, Arthur Cutton, died insolvent.
4. President of the New York Stock Exchange, Richard Whitney, was sent to
jail.
5. A member of the President's Cabinet, Albert Fall, was pardoned from jail to go
home and die in peace.6. The greatest "bear" on Wall Street, Jessie Livermore,
committed suicide.
7. President of the world's greatest monopoly, Ivar Krueger, committed
suicide.
8. President of the Bank of International Settlement, Leon Fraser, committed
suicide.
What they forgot was how to make a life! It is stories like this that give the readers the
false impression that money is the root of all evil. That is not true. Money provides food
for the hungry, medicine for the sick, clothes for the needy. Money is only a medium of
exchange.
We need two kinds of education. One that teaches us how to make a living and one that
teaches us how to live.
There are people who are so engrossed in their professional life that they neglect their
family, health and social responsibilities. If asked why they do this they would reply that
they were doing it for their family.
Our kids are sleeping when we leave home. They are sleeping when we come home.
Twenty years later, we turn back, and they are all gone. We have no family left. That is
sad.
Quality Not Quantity
It is not uncommon to hear that it is not the quantity of time that we spend with our
families but the quality that matters. Just think about it, is it really true?
Supposing you went to the best restaurant in town where they gave you white-glove
service with cutlery from England, crockery from France, chocolates from
Switzerland, and on and on. You picked up the gold plated menu and ordered a dish of

barbecued chicken. The waiter within minutes brought back a small cube of the most
deliciously prepared chicken. You ate it and asked, "Is that all I am going to get?" The
waiter replied, "It is not the quantity but the quality that matters." You said that you are
still hungry and he gave you the same reply.
I hope the message is clear. Our families need both, quality and quantity.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera135

Health
We lose our health in the process of earning money and then we lose money in trying to
regain health.
Social Responsibility
In the process of making money, we neglect our social responsibilities and let the
system deteriorate till we become victims ourselves.
Scrutinize Your Goals
A person who aims at nothing never misses. Aiming low is the biggest mistake. Winners
see objectives, losers see obstacles.
Our goals should be high enough to motivate yet realistic enough to avoid
discouragement. Anything we do, either takes us closer to our goal or further away.
Each goal must be evaluated in light of the following (similar to the Rotary's Four-Way
Test):
1. Is it the truth?
2. Is it fair to all concerned?
3. Will it get me goodwill?
4. Will it get me health, wealth, and peace of mind?
5. Is it consistent with my other goals?
6. Can I commit myself to it?
The following examples fail the test:
1. If one of my goals is to be the embodiment of good health with no money, it is quite
obvious that it will be hard to survive. That means it is not consistent with my other
goals.
2. A person could make all the money in the world, yet if he loses his family and
health, it is not worth it, is it?
3. A person could make a million dollars by selling drugs but then for the rest of his
life, he would be running from the law. It would take away his peace of mind. And
this kind of behavior would not be fair to all concerned nor will it give him goodwill.
Each goal must be evaluated by putting it to the test and all goals must be in
congruence.
Goals without action are empty dreams. Actions turn dreams into goals. Even if we miss
our goals, it does not make us a failure. Delay does not mean defeat. It only means one
has to replan to accomplish one's target.

Just like a camera needs focus to take a good picture, we need goals to make a
productive life.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera136

Goals Should Be Consistent with Our Values
Goals lead to purpose in life. It is the starting point for success. Aim for the moon. Even
if you miss, you will become one of the stars.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
--Henry Ford
All of us in this world have a purpose in life. And that purpose may vary from person to
person. An orchestra would be pretty dull if everyone played the same instrument.
Make no little plans, they have no magic to stir men's blood. . .
Make big plans, aim high in hope and work.
--Daniel H. Burn ham
It doesn't matter where we are. What really matters is in what direction we are heading.
Effort and courage without purpose is wasted. Worry leads to negative goal-setting. It is
thinking about things you don't want to happen.
Activity is Not the Same as Accomplishment
There is a big difference between activity and accomplishment. This was demonstrated
by a French scientist named Fable. He conducted an experiment with processionary
caterpillars. Caterpillars follow the one in front of them blindly. Fable arranged them in a
circle in a flowerpot so that the lead caterpillar actually was behind the last one forming
a circle. He put pine needles (food for the caterpillars) in the center of the flowerpot.
The caterpillars kept going in a circle in the pot. Eventually, after a week of circling
around, they dropped dead of exhaustion and starvation with food only inches away
from them. We need to learn a lesson from the caterpillars. Just because you are doing
something, doesn't mean you are getting anywhere. One must evaluate one's activity in
order to have accomplishment.
A man was out driving with his wife and the wife said, "Honey, we are going the wrong
way." The husband replied, "Who cares, we are making great time!"
If we confuse activity with accomplishment, we could be making great time but we won't
get anywhere.
MEANINGLESS GOALS
A farmer had a dog who used to sit by the roadside waiting for vehicles to come around.
As soon as one came he would run down the road, barking and trying to overtake it.
One day a neighbor asked the farmer "Do you think your dog is ever going to catch a
car?" The farmer replied, "That is not what bothers me. What bothers me is what he
would do if he ever caught one."

Many people in life behave like that dog who is pursuing meaningless goals.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera137

ACTION PLAN
1. Make definite goals.
2. Write them down.
3. Read your goals twice a day, morning and night.
4. Make goals slightly out of reach but not out of sight.
5. Check your progress periodically.
CHAPTER 8
VALUES & VISION
Doing the right thing for the right reason
The seven deadly sins according to Mahatma Gandhi are wealth without work; pleasure
without conscience; knowledge without character; commerce (business) without
morality (ethics); science without humanity; religion without sacrifice; and politics without
principle.
When a child is born, who rejoices? The parents, relatives, and friends. But who cries?
The child. However, when we die, it should be the other way round. We should be
rejoicing and have the satisfaction that we made a contribution to the world and left the
world a little better place than we found it. Let the world cry that it has lost a good soul
and become poorer. We were not just takers, we were also givers.
Hindu philosophy believes that when good people pass away, they don't die, they only
depart. Their names live on forever through their good deeds.
Think of the last time you heard a eulogy. As people pay their respects, the most
common things talked about are the little acts of kindness performed by the person
during his lifetime. Little acts of kindness don't go un-noticed. In fact, they are
remembered a lot more after a person is gone. That is the time people realize how
much those little acts of kindness meant to them.
No person was ever honored for what he received. Honor has been the reward for what
he gave.
--Calvin Coolidge
HOW DO WE JUDGE OUR VALUE SYSTEM?
How do we put our value system to the test? I believe there are only two tests. The
ultimate test is called the Mama Test. Whenever you are doing, whatever you are doing,
wherever and with whomever, at home or at work, alone or with someone, if values are
in question, ask yourself, "If my mama were to see me doing what I am doing right now,

would she be proud of me and say "Attaboy!" or would she hang her head in shame?"
Your values would be clarified rather quickly. If you passed the

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera138

Mama Test and failed all other tests, you have passed. If you failed the Mama Test and
passed all other tests, you have failed.
This is worth repeating. Think about it. Whenever you need value clarification, ask
yourself, "If my mama were to see me doing whatever I am doing would she be proud of
me and say "Attaboy!" or would she hang her head in shame?" The clouds will clear
rather quickly and you will get your answers easily.
If the Mama Test doesn't do it, I have another test called the Baba Test. Whenever you
are doing, whatever you are doing, wherever and with whomever, at home or at work,
alone or with someone, if values are in question, ask yourself, "If my children were to
see me doing what I am doing right now, would I want them to see it, or would I be
embarrassed?" Again the clouds will clear rather quickly and you will get your answers.
If these two tests don't clarify a person's values, then that person is no longer a human
being and has no conscience left.
HOW DOES OUR VALUE SYSTEM CHANGE?
With constant exposure, what is intolerable becomes acceptable and translates into
involvement.
And all through the transition process, justification keeps taking place.
TIMES ARE CHANGING
We talk of the younger generation. Where will they end? What about their value
system? Before we point a finger at them, let's evaluate who is to blame.
We ought to remember that values and virtues are not hereditary, they are learnt. We
need to get our priorities right.
WHAT WE DO FOR A LIVING VERSUS WHAT WE DO WITH A LIVING
Money is not the payoff for every kind of work. Parents bring up the children with no
paycheck in mind. Many people have lots of money but they are very poor. Our
objective ought to be both to have money and be rich.
When money talks it doesn't always talk sense and truth remains silent. The most
unfortunate part of life is when people plan to get money without earning it. It is easier to
make money and harder to keep it.
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen
or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

--Helen Keller
Hard work teaches a person the value of money. That is why it is important that parents
teach their children this lesson. I feel sorry for the younger generation who inherits
money without value. Without lessons and guidance, they often equate everything with
money. They think everything can be bought and sold. Of course this is not true. People

who have values have no price tag and neither do they value themselves.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera139

IT IS PRICELESS CHARACTER
The movie Indecent Proposal brings out the point rather clearly. One act of adultery was
worth a quick million dollars. People want to be an overnight success at the cost of their
conscience and it still doesn't work. Because true values are priceless. The moment a
price is set on values, the values lose their value. No possible gain can make up for that
loss.
It is good to have money and the things it can buy, but in the process of acquiring
money, we don't want to lose the things that money can't buy. Money can only buy what
money can buy. And in fact, the most precious things are those that money just can't
buy.
WHAT MONEY WON'T BUY
The most precious things in life money just can't buy. It is not uncommon to hear that
everyone has a price. People who talk that language are really up for sale themselves.
People with character, integrity and the right values are not for sale. Money will buy:
0♦Amusements but not happiness.
0♦A bed but not sleep.
0♦Books but not wisdom.
0♦A clock but not more time.
0♦Companions but not friends.
0♦Finery but not beauty.
0♦Food but not appetite.
0♦A house but not a home.
0♦Medicine but not health.
0♦A ring but not a marriage.
THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF TRAGEDIES IN LIFE
1. Not Getting What We Want
A CREED FOR THOSE WHO HAVE SUFFERED
I asked God for strength, that I might achieve.
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey . . .
I asked for health, that I might do greater things.
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things ...
I asked for riches, that I might be happy.
I was given poverty, that I might be wise ...

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera140

I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God .. .
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life.
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things ...
I got nothing I asked for--but everything I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I, among all men, am most richly blessed!
--Anonymous
2. Getting What We Want
When our value system is not clear, getting what we want can be a bigger tragedy. The
story of King Midas says it all.
THE MIDAS TOUCH
We all know the story of the greedy king named Midas. He had a lot of gold and the
more he had the more he wanted. He stored
all the gold in his vaults and used to spend time every day counting it.
One day while he was counting a stranger came from nowhere and said he would grant
him a wish. The king was delighted and said, "I would like everything I touch to turn to
gold." The stranger asked the king, Are you sure?" The king replied, "Yes." So the
stranger said, "Starting tomorrow morning with the sun rays you will get the golden
touch."
The king thought he must be dreaming, this couldn't be true. But the next day when he
woke up, he touched the bed, his clothes, and everything turned to gold. He looked out
of the window and saw his daughter playing in the garden. He decided to give her a
surprise and thought she would be happy. But before he went to the garden he decided
to read a book. The moment he touched it, it turned into gold and he couldn't read it.
Then he sat to have breakfast and the moment he touched the fruit and the glass of
water, they turned to gold. He was getting hungry and he said to himself, "I can't eat
and drink gold." Just about that time his daughter came running and he hugged her and
she turned into a gold statue. There were no more smiles left.
The king bowed his head and started crying. The stranger who gave the wish came
again and asked the king if he was happy with his golden touch. The king said he was
the most miserable man. The stranger asked, "What would you rather have, your food
and loving daughter or lumps of gold and her golden statue?" The king cried and asked
for forgiveness. He said, "I will give up all my gold. Please give me my daughter back
because without her I have lost everything worth having." The stranger said to the king,
"You have become wiser than before" and he reversed the spell. He got his daughter
back in his arms and the king learned a lesson that he never forget for the rest of his
life.

What is the moral of the story?

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera141
1. Distorted values lead to tragedy.
2. Sometimes getting what you want may be a bigger tragedy than not getting what
you want.
3. Unlike the game of soccer where players can be substituted, the game of life allows
no substitutions or replays. We may not get a second chance to reverse our
tragedies, as the king did.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE REMEMBERED?
About a hundred years ago, a man looked at the morning newspaper and to his
surprise and horror, read his name in the obituary column. The newspapers had
reported the death of the wrong person by mistake. His first response was shock. Am I
here or there? When he regained his composure, his second thought was to find out
what people had said about him. The obituary read, "Dynamite King Dies." And also "He
was the merchant of death." This man was the inventor of dynamite and when he read
the words "merchant of death," he asked himself a question, "Is this how I am going to
be remembered?" He got in touch with his feelings and decided that this was not the
way he wanted to be remembered. From that day on, he started working toward peace.
His name was Alfred Nobel and he is remembered today by the great Nobel Prize.
Just as Alfred Nobel got in touch with his feelings and redefined his values, we should
step back and do the same.
What is your legacy? How would you like to be remembered? Will you be spoken well
of? Will you be remembered with love and respect? Will you be missed?
IT IS THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE
There was a man taking a morning walk at or the beach. He saw that along with the
morning tide came hundreds of starfish and when the tide receded,
they were left behind and with the morning sun rays, they would die. The tide was fresh
and the starfish were alive. The man took a few steps, picked one and threw it into the
water. He did that repeatedly. Right behind him there was another person who couldn't
understand what this man was doing. He caught up with him and asked, "What are you
doing? There are hundreds of starfish. How many can you help? What difference does
it make?" This man did not reply, took two more steps, picked up another one, threw it
into the water, and said, "It makes a difference to this one."
What difference are we making? Big or small, it does not matter. If everyone made a
small difference, we'd end up with a big difference, wouldn't we?
IS YOUR LIFE WORTH SAVING?
A boy was drowning in a river and he shouted for help. A man passing by jumped in the
river and saved the boy's life. As the man was leaving the boy said, Thank-you.''
The man asked, "For what?" The boy replied, "For saving my life." The man looked into
the boy's eyes and said, Upon, make sure when you grow up that your life was worth
saving."

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera142

It is time to think. This is a wake-up call.
Success without fulfillment is meaningless. Unless there is a sense of meaning and
purpose, life is empty and unhappy regardless of how much prestige, money or degrees
a person has.
Success begins with developing your personal success philosophy, about your health,
money, family, society and values. Without a clearly defined purpose and a philosophy
to guide you, life is guided by fantasies. If people have not defined a philosophy of
success, they have actually defined a philosophy of failure by default.
Sometimes we overlook the things that ought not to be overlooked and don't overlook
the things that ought to be overlooked.
An integral part of a good value system is commitment.
COMMITMENT
When our value system is clear it becomes a lot easier to make decisions and
commitments.
Example: You can't make a commitment to your country by selling secrets to the enemy.
You can't keep a friend by revealing to others what he told you in confidence.
You can't keep a commitment to a job by trying to do as little as possible.
Unkept commitments result in dishonest behavior. I wonder how any relationship,
regardless of whether personal or professional, would work if people said something to
the effect.
0♦I will try but I can't commit.
0♦I will do it but don't count on me.
0♦I will be there if I can, but don't get your hopes up.
0♦I will be there, so long as you do well.
0♦I will be there so long as you are in good health.
0♦I will stick with you till I find something better.
If the following relationships cannot count and depend on one another, I wonder how
anything would ever work in this world.
Parent / child

Husband / wife

Student / teacher

Customer / salesman

Employer / employee

Friend / friend

The uncertainty could lead to insanity. Our strongest relationships are tied together with
the invisible something called commitment. Today, breaking a promise is consi-dered no

big deal. All relationships go sour without commitment.
Lack of commitment would destabilize relationships and lead to insecurity. No one
would know where they stand with each other.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera143

Commitment implies:
1. Dependability
2. Reliability
3. Predictability
4. Consistency
5. Caring
6. Empathy
7. A sense of duty
8. Sincerity
9. Character
10.Integrity
11. Loyalty
If one of these ingredients is missing, commitment loses strength.
When a person makes a commitment to someone, he is really saying, "You can count
on me no matter what," and "I will be there when you need me."
Unconditional commitment says, "My behavior is predictable in an unpredictable future."
What makes the future unpredictable?

0♦Changes in your life and circumstances.
0♦Changes in my life and circumstances.
0♦Changes in the external conditions.
Regardless of the uncertainty, commitment says "You can count on me." A person who
makes a commitment is willing to give up a lot. For what? The answer is pretty clear.
The rewards can be priceless.
Commitment says:
1. I am willing to sacrifice because I care.
2. I am a person of integrity and you can trust me.
3. I will not let you down.
4. Despite pain, I will still be there.
5. I will not let you down in good times or in bad times.
Commitment is not like a legal contract which is enforceable. Its foundation is not a
signed piece of paper but character, integrity, and empathy.
Commitment does not mean sticking to something when a person has no choice. It

means sticking in spite of choices. Without the above ingredients, no one would make a
serious long-lasting commitment to others.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera144

What makes a commitment worth keeping? It brings:
0♦Predictability.
0♦Security.
0♦Personal growth.
0♦Strong relationships between individuals and community.
0♦Lasting personal and professional relationships.
Even gangsters and crooks are looking for committed supporters. Commitment creates
a patch of green in a vast jungle; we call this security in an insecure world. Keeping
commitments is worth the effort. Commitment means surrendering our personal wants
for another person's needs.
Remember and keep in mind, needs are stronger than wants. Commitments act as a
glue which bonds relationships. Commitment implies sacrificing fun and willingness to
accept sorrow.
For example,
1. Commitment to friendship implies maintaining confidentiality.
2. Commitment to customer implies giving good service.
3. Commitment to marriage implies fidelity.
4. Commitment to decency implies staying away from vulgarity.
5. Commitment to patriotism implies sacrifice.
5. Commitment to job implies integrity.
6. Commitment to community implies responsibility.
Commitment is a sign of maturity. Commitment means not quitting at the first option or
sign of problems. Individuals with strong commitments build strong communities.
Relationships are based on commitment, not just on closeness and intimacy. A person
can be intimate and close and yet not be committed. With changing values, it is even
considered good to have uncommitted relationships.
Many people are not willing to make commitments because they feel they are not ready
for it. However, in the meantime, for years they keep sharing and using anything and
everything of one another. Their pretext is, "We are still checking out each other before
we commit." What are they checking out that they haven't already checked out in a few
days or a few months or a few years?
In my opinion they are selfish parasites who are trying to get as much as possible while
the going is good. They are only takers who are a liability to society. Many people
confuse commitment with confinement.
Relationships don't last because of passion and love but because of commitment and

empathy. A commitment implies putting the other person's needs ahead of one's own.
Sometimes good people with the best intentions are faced with conflicting commitments.
For instance,

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1. A policeman is committed to caring for his wife who is on her death bed. But all of
a sudden he gets an emergency call to handle a situation, at the other end of
town where ten lives are at stake. What does he do?
2. A surgeon is looking forward to his daughter's graduation. He is committed to this
once-in-a-lifetime event. With all guests at the function, 20 minutes before the
ceremony, he gets an emergency call to operate on an accident victim to save
his life. What choice does he have?
Choosing one does not mean lack of commitment to the other. The process of making a
choice between the two commitments would involve priority, responsibility and duty. Not
keeping one over the other would not make the person feel guilty.
Probably what the surgeon feels like doing is attending his daughter's graduation. It
doesn't matter what he feels like. Commitment involves the 11 elements we talked about
before, whether we feel like it or not.
Keeping commitment shows strength of character. It takes subordinating our desires to
the other person's needs but not his whims and fancies.
Needs are essential, whereas desires are infinite. And in case of conflict of needs, one
has to prioritize responsibilities and duties. In a relationship such as a marriage, two
people are committed to each other. Supposing one develops cancer a year after?
Should one feel cheated? Deprived? Resentful? Blame the other person for ruining his /
her life? That is not commitment. That is just selfishness.
The most painful part of commitment is accepting a breach when it happens. The
commitment goes on if the breach results from an error of omission. However, it needs
evaluation if it is a result of commission. Breach of omission can be handled with
compassion and forgiveness. Whereas the breach of commission says, "You cheat me
once, shame on you. You cheat me twice, shame on me."
Either way, for one's own self-interest the answer is forgiveness. As they say, "The
wounds get healed but the scars remain." Commitments can rarely be kept without
forgiveness. For example, a child may betray his parents' trust by lying or cheating.
People avoid making commitments because many times they are living for today.
WHAT IS OUR GREATEST COMMITMENT?
What if we made a commitment that is wrong or unethical inadvertently which totally
goes against our values and conscience?
That is the time to reevaluate whether or not to go forward.
COMMITMENT TO VALUES
Loyalties cannot be bought, they are earned. And to whom do we owe loyalties? Is it
individuals or organizations? The answer is none of them. We owe loyalties to values.
Where the value system is conflicting, people cannot live in the same home, they
cannot work in the same organization.

When a person makes a commitment of loyalty to either an individual or an
organization, what is he really saying? He is saying, "I stand by you because I believe in
what you believe in."

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera146

What if the person I am committed to, be it a leader, spouse, employer, employee
becomes a spy for an enemy country? Do I continue my support because I committed
earlier? Absolutely not. I am not committed to support unethical and illegal behavior.
Unkept commitments lead to:
0♦Broken homes
0♦Abandoned children
0♦Poor relationships
0♦High stress levels
0♦Guilt
0♦Unfulfilled life
0♦Loss of business
0♦Isolation
0♦Depression
Make a commitment and stay committed!
ETHICS
Bad circumstances are not excuses for making bad choices and leading poor lives.
Values and ethics are not just designed for good times, but also to prevent bad times.
They are like the laws of the land which you need when people are good and you need
even more to protect them from the bad.
Most choices are not ethical choices. For example, what clothes to buy or what TV to
get are personal choices based on what is more appropriate. They are not ethical
choices. For some people the right choice may be Panasonic instead of Sony for
affordability. Personal choices are subjective, not objective, and even though these are
not ethical issues they certainly involve responsibility. Ethical choices reflect objectivity
between right and wrong.
That is why our conscience hurts when making an unethical choice and does not hurt
when making a wrong personal choice. Choices are personal because the person
makes it, but the rightness or wrongness does not change from person to person.
Just like in a math test, who takes it and what answer they give varies from person to
person, but what makes it right is not the choice, but the independence of the correct
answer. Of course, ethical choices are not always like making choices in math, just like
being a nice person is not the same thing as being a good and ethical person.
A person could be socially nice yet be a cheat and a liar. That makes him nice yet
unethical. Niceness reflects social acceptability. Nice does not mean good.
In fact, most of our choices today are based on:
1. Our desire for convenience, comfort, and pleasure.
2. Our feeling--do what feels good, it is good for you. The criteria is to feel good rather
than doing what is responsible.

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3. Social fads and ads--everyone else is doing it, so should I.
It is a common belief that ethics and ethical choices are confusing. The big question is
to who? Only to those with unclear values.
SITUATIONAL ETHICS
Those who believe that ethics cannot be generalized but vary with every situation, come
up with justification and keep changing their ethics from situation to situation, and
person to person. This is called situational ethics. This is ethics of conveniences rather
than conviction.
BENCHMARKS
Why do we have standards? They are a measure. One meter in Europe is one meter in
Asia. One kilogram of flour is one kilogram of flour wherever you go. People who do not
want to adhere to any moral standards keep changing the definition of morality by
saying nothing is right or wrong, your thinking makes it so. They put the onus on
interpretation rather than on their behavior. They feel "my behavior is OK, your
interpretation was messed up."
For example, Hitler could have believed he was right. But the big question is, "Was he
right?" Giving money to the hungry for food is right but at the same time giving money to
buy drugs is not right.
The generalization sets the benchmark, the exception is the situation. For example,
murder is wrong. That is a general statement and a generalized truth and ethical
standard. Unless it is in self- defense. This doesn't say that it is OK to murder if the
weather is good or if you feel like it.
A person's interests, other than his job, tells much about him. The way a person spends
his leisure time reflects on his performance at work. A drug addict if running short of
money would be more likely to embezzle than a person who is not an addict.
Our standard of ethics is revealed by the advisors we hire, the suppliers we pick, and
the buyers we deal with.
Opinions may vary from culture to culture. But values such as fairness, justice, integrity
and commitment are universal and eternal. They have nothing to do with culture. Never
has there been a time when society has not respected courage over cowardice.
Ethics and justice involve the following:

0♦Empathy
0♦Fairness
0♦Compassion for the injured
0♦The larger interest of society
Just because more people agree on something doesn't make it right. For example, if ten
perverts agree on a sadistic act to hurt an innocent, does that make it right? No.
Just like the laws of gravity, ethics are pretty universal. Just as freedom without

discipline leads to destruction, similarly, society without a set of principles destroys

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itself. If values were so subjective, no criminals should be in jail. Why have a police
force?
A society becomes good or bad, based on the ethical values of individuals. And what
gives society its strength is ethical values. Some people enjoy taking drugs--it makes
them feel good. Does that make it good?
People who believe in the theory of relativity, actually get stuck in their own paradox.
They say, "Everything is relative." That is the absolute truth. It is self-contradictory. The
distinction between right and wrong, dishonesty and honesty presupposes their
existence. Changing terminology does not change the meaning. Just like changing the
labels does not change the contents.
People are changing moral values by giving new names and it is glamorized by the
media. Liars are called extroverts with an imagination.
When Michael Sovern, the president of Columbia University resigned in 1993, a reporter
asked him if there was any task left incomplete. "Yes," replied Govern. "It sounds
complacent, but there is really only one." He referred to the lack of instructions in
ethics.... The average undergraduate, however, gets no training in these areas. Most
educators are afraid to touch the subject. Ethics are usually left to be addressed by
parents. The result is that in this country young people who need moral and ethical
training more than ever are getting less than ever. Morals and ethics are not a religion.
They are logical, sensible principles of good conduct that we need for a peaceful
society. *
* Adapted from John Beckley, "Isn't It Time to Wake Up?" in The Best of. . . Bits ~U
Pieces, Economics Press, Fairfield, NJ, 1994, p. 129.
ETHICS AND LEGALITY
Most will agree that legality and ethics are not the same thing. What may be ethical may
or may not be legal and vice versa.
For example:
1. An insurance salesperson more concerned with getting a larger commission as
opposed to selling the most suitable policy sells the wrong kind of policy to a
prospective client. This may be legal but unethical.
2. A young executive is driving over the speed limit, trying to reach the hospital with
his bleeding child in the back seat of his car. Hardly anyone would question the
ethics of breaking the law in this situation. It would be unethical not to get medical
help to save the kid's life, even if it meant breaking the law.
Legality establishes minimum standards, whereas ethics and values go beyond those
standards. Ethics and values are about fairness and justice. It is not about pleasing or
displeasing people. It is about respecting people's needs and rights.
PURPOSE OF LIFE
There are many kinds of desire. Desire for success, desire to do one's duty even at the
cost of pleasure. Desire for purpose. Something worth dying for which gives meaning to

life.
What good is it if you gain the whole world and lose your conscience?

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera149

A purposeless life is a living death. What is your purpose? Do you have one? Purpose
brings passion. Find or create a purpose and then pursue it with passion and
perseverance.
Every day we need to ask ourselves the question: "Am I getting any closer to my
purpose in life? Am I making this a better place to live?" If the answer is no, then I have
just wasted a day of my life. Life will reward us in proportion to our contribution.
The earlier we find a purpose in life, the better it is. It appears that the greatest
challenge comes in the unending search for the purpose of life. Not only as an individual
but for our families, organizations and country. Once our purpose and values are clear,
conflicts between self-interest and social obligations find a moral balance between
themselves. We become aware of when to take a stand. That is the time we start
making the right decisions for long-term gain rather than making the wrong decisions for
short-term gain. Wisdom and maturity lead to greater understanding of major issues.
Study as if you were to live forever. Live as if you were to die tomorrow.
--Mahatma Gandhi
We cannot help ourselves without helping others.
We cannot enrich our lives without enriching others.
We cannot prosper without bringing prosperity to others.
--Nanette Cole, Spellman College
Janette Cole once said, "Show me a person who is content with mediocrity and I will
show you a person destined for failure." Life is not a spectator sport. We cannot sit back
and watch things happen. We need to find a purpose in order to make life meaningful
and then strive to achieve that purpose.
LIVING WITH A PURPOSE
All of us are put on this planet for a purpose. We are part of a big picture. But very few
people discover their purpose in life. Most of us just exist and keep counting our days
rather than making our days count.
Dr. Albert Einstein was once asked, "Why are we here?" He replied, "If the universe is
an accident, we are accidents. But if there is meaning in the universe, there is meaning
in us also." And he added, "The more I study physics, the more I am drawn towards
metaphysics."
I would rather fail in a cause that will ultimately succeed than succeed in a cause that
would ultimately fail.

--Wood row Wilson

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera150

WHERE DO WE LEARN OUR VALUES FROM?
I recently read the story of a high-school values clarification class conducted by a
teacher in Teaneck, New Jersey. A girl in the class had found a purse containing $1,000
and returned it to its owner. The teacher asked for the class's reaction. Every single one
of her fellow students concluded the girl had been foolish. Most of the students
contended that if someone was careless, they should be punished. When the teacher
was asked what he said to the students, he responded, "Well, of course, I didn't say
anything. If I come from the position of what is right and what is wrong, then I'm not their
counselor. I can't impose my
views."*
If we do not learn values from our parents and teachers, who do we learn them from?
And when they don't teach us values, we pick them up by default from television and
other such undesirable sources. No wonder society gets messed up. The teacher such
as in the example above is not only irresponsible with distorted values but does not
deserve to be teaching our kids.
WINNING VERSUS WINNERS
What is the difference between winning and being a winner? Winning is an event.
Being a winner is a spirit. Winners have kept winning in perspective based on their
value system.
THREE INSPIRATIONAL WINNERS
1. Olympics is a lifetime event. Lawrence Lemieux stopped racing in a yacht race to
help a fellow competitor who was in trouble. The whole world was watching. His
priority of safety for other people's lives was greater than his desire to win. Even
though he did not win the race, he was a winner. He was honored by kings and
queens all over the world because he kept the spirit of the Olympics alive.
2. I heard the story about Reuben Gonzales when he was in the final match of the
racquetball tournament. This was an important event and he was playing for the
world title. In the final game at match point, Gonzales played a super shot to save
point. The referee and the linesman both confirmed that the shot was good and he
was declared the winner.

* Journal of the American Family Association, November / December 1991.
But Gonzales, after a little pause and hesitation, turned back to shake his opponent's
hand and said, "The shot was faulty." As a result, he lost the serve and eventually, lost
the match.
Everyone was stunned. Who could imagine that a player with everything officially in his
favor, with winning in his pocket, would disqualify himself and lose. When asked why he
did it, Gonzales replied, "It was the only thing to do in order to maintain my integrity." He
lost the match, yet he was a winner.
3. A group of salespeople left town for a meeting and told their families they would be
back home Friday evening for supper. But as with meetings the way they are, one thing
leads to another and they didn't finish on time. They were delayed and had to catch a
flight. They came to the airport just at the last minute, with tickets in hand, and ran,

hoping the plane hadn't departed. While running, one of them hit a table and on the
table was a fruit basket. All the fruit got scattered and bruised but they didn't

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera151

have time to stop. They kept running and made it to the plane and all of them breathed
a sigh of relief that they had made it, except one. He got in touch with his feelings, got
up, said good-bye to his friends and went. What he saw made him glad that he came
out. He went to the table that was knocked down and behind the table was a ten-yearold blind girl who was selling the fruits to make a living. He said, "I hope we haven't
ruined your day." He pulled out $10 from his pocket, handed it to her and said, "This will
take care of the fruits," and he left. The girl couldn't see what was going on; all she
could hear was the footsteps leaving. As the footsteps faded away, she shouted from
behind, "Are you God?" He missed his flight but was he a winner? You bet. One can be
a winner without a medal and one can be a loser with a medal if winning is not kept in
perspective.
WINNING IS AN EVENT; BEING A WINNER IS A SPIRIT
Three people ran a marathon besides hundreds of others. The medal was won by a
fourth person. But does that mean that these three people were losers? Not at all. They
all went into the race with different objectives. The first one went in to test his endurance
and he did and came out better than his expectations. The second wanted to improve
on his previous performance, and he did. The third person had never run a marathon in
his life. His objective was to complete the race and reach the finish line and he did.
What does that tell us? All three with different objectives met them and they were all
winners, regardless of who won the medal.
As Mark Twain said, it is better to deserve an honor and not have it than to have it and
not deserve it. Because dignity is not in possessing but deserving.
If winning is the only objective, a person may miss out on the internal rewards that come
with winning. More important than winning is winning with honor and deserving to have
won. It is better to lose honorably than to succeed with dishonesty. Losing honorably
may signify lack of preparation but dishonest winning signifies lack of character.
The real test of a person's character is what he would or would not do if he knew he
would never be found out. It is not worth compromising one's integrity and taking
shortcuts to win. You may win a trophy but knowing the truth you can never be a happy
person. More important than winning a trophy is being a good human being.
Winners live and work every day as if it were the last day. Because one of these days it
is going to be the last and we don't know which one it is going to be. When they leave,
they leave as winners.
There are some defeats more triumphant than victories.
--Michael de Montaigne
WINNERS ARE GRACIOUS
Remember, winners are gracious. They never brag about themselves, they respect and
appreciate their team members and opponents.
Many people know how to be successful . Very few know how to handle success. And

there is always something about success that displeases some other people.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera152

BLUEPRINT FOR SUCCESS
We conduct a three -day seminar titled "Blueprint for Success" globally for organizations
in-house and open public programs. This is based on the philosophy "Winners don't do
different things, they do things differently." This philosophy came as a counter to the
belief "Winning is not everything, it is the only thing." This latter philosophy leads me to
question the integrity of people who believe it to be true. It gives a distorted meaning to
the words "killer instinct." If you ask a person on the street, "What is the meaning of
killer instinct," most responses would be, "You have to win by hook or by crook." That is
not killer instinct, that is pure dishonesty.
To a good sportsman, killer instinct means:
1. You don't put in 100% but you put in 200%.
2. To win, we must cash in on our opponent's mistake. Not cashing in on an
opponent's mistake is a mistake. However, playing foul to win is not killer instinct, it
is outright dishonesty. Unfair winning may give temporary success but certainly not
fulfillment.
The reality is that life is a competition and we have to compete. In fact, competition
makes competitive people grow. The objective is to win, no question--but to win fairly,
squarely, decently and by the rules.
WINNERS LEAVE A LEGACY
Great people leave something behind. Winners recognize that no one can make it
alone. Even though champions get the medals, they realize that there are many people
behind their success, without whom it would not have been possible. Their teachers,
parents, coaches, fans, and mentors. One can never fully repay those who have helped
winners. The only way to show a little gratitude is by helping those who are following.
The following poem says it all.
THE BRIDGE BUILDER
An old man, going a lone highway, Came,
at the evening, cold and gray, To a chasm,
vast, and deep, and wide, Through which
was flowing a sullen tide.
The old man crossed in the twilight dim;
The sullen stream had no fears for him; But he
turned, when safe on the other side,

And built a bridge to span the tide.
"Old man," said a fellow pilgrim, near,
"You are wasting strength with building here;
Your journey will end with the ending day; You

never again must pass this way;

You have crossed the chasm, deep and wide-Why build you the bridge at the eventide?"

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera153

The builder lifted his old gray head:
"Good friend, in the path I have come," he said,
"There followeth after me today
A youth, whose feet must pass this way.
This chasm, that has been naught to me, To
that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be. He,
too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend, I am building the bridge for him. "
--Will Allen Dromgoole
Socrates taught Plato; Plato taught Aristotle; Aristotle taught Alexander the Great.
Knowledge, had it not been passed along, would have died.
Our greatest responsibility is to pass on a legacy that the coming generations can be
proud of.
CHANGING VALUES--TODAY'S VALUES
Change is inevitable. Whether we like it or not, it is going to be there. We have had
enough of the "me" generation and situational ethics which have led to the loss of
strong communities. There is sadness for getting caught rather than remorse for having
done wrong.*
A survey of high school principals in 1958 asked this question: What are the main
problems among your students? The answer was:
1. Not doing homework.
2. Not respecting property--for example, throwing books.
3. Leaving lights on and doors and windows open.
4. Throwing spitballs in class.
5. Running through the halls.
The same survey question was asked 30 years (one generation) later, in 1988. The
answers were startlingly different. Here are the main problems of today's high school
students:
1. Abortion
2. AIDS
3. Rape
4. Drugs
5. Fear of violent death, murder, guns, and knives in school

Try not to be a man of success but rather try to be a man of value.
--Albert Einstein

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera154

* smoking Choices by Peter Kreeft, pp. 1Ä2.
OLD VALUES ARE NOT OBSOLETE
Values such as responsibility, integrity, commitment, and patriotism are considered old
by some. These may be old values but they are certainly not obsolete. They have stood
the test of time and will be here forever. These values have the same meaning in New
York as in New Delhi or New Zealand. They are universal. I don't know of any time or
culture in history which does not respect these values.
VALUES ARE AT AN ALL-TIME LOW
In any society, basic immorality and injustice lead to despair. The greedy and
inconsiderate who seek immoral pleasures must be stopped by those committed with
values. We have strayed in the process of change.
Any society that has lost its moral bearing is heading for disaster because all failures in
history have been moral failures.
More than half a century ago, America was in the middle of a wrenching depression.
One-third of our nation's wealth vanished in a matter of months. Manufacturing declined
77%. One-fourth of the labor force was left idle. Many cities could not afford to keep
schools open. Twenty percent of New York schoolchildren were malnourished. At one
point, 34 million men, women, and children were without any income at all.
Yet in the depths of that hardship, with its soup kitchens, bank closings, and hunger,
Franklin Roosevelt could tell the nation in a radio address, "Our difficulties, thank God,
concern only material things."*
WHAT IS GOODNESS?
If we took a survey, asking people one question, "Are you good?" most people would
respond, "Yes!" Ask them, "What makes you good?" Responses will be:
0♦I don't cheat so I'm good.
0♦I don't lie so that makes me good.
0♦I don't steal, so I'm good.
If you analyze the above rationales, there is not much substance in them. Just think of
the person who says, "I don't cheat." Well, that only means that he is not a cheat. And
the persons who say they don't lie and steal, only mean that they are not liars and
thieves. But that doesn't make them good. A person becomes good when he actually
does good rather than not doing wrong. A person of values would be one who has
qualities such as fairness, compassion, courage, integrity, empathy, humility, loyalty and
courtesy. What makes a person with these qualities good person? It is because these
are the kind of people who are dependable, stand up for justice, help the needy, make
life better for themselves and those around them. To recognize goodness in all its forms,
we need benchmarks and standards. Benchmarks can be ethical, or legal, or both.
Ethical ones deal with right and wrong and all the gray areas that are in between leading
to what is good and more good and what is bad and more bad.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera155

*journal of the American Family Association, November / December 1991.
HOW HIGH ARE OUR ETHICAL STANDARDS?
What would you do in the following situations?
.1 You know the taxi fare from your home to the airport is $64. You have paid it
before, you know it is the correct fare. This time the taxi driver asks for $32.
What would you do?
.2 You are dining in a restaurant and you ordered four dishes and the waiter
brought all four but by mistake, billed you for only three. What would you do?
.3 Your best friend is terminally ill and you are a life assurance salesman. They
needed $100,000 worth of insurance. No one knows and no one can find out
that your friend is dying. Would you write the policy?
You cannot legislate ethics. What advice would you give to your children under the
same circumstances? Is your behavior conforming with the advice you would give your
children in the same situation? We start learning ethics right after birth and all through
our lives. Can we change ethical behavior? Yes, we need ethical training.
WHAT AFFECTS ETHICS?
0♦Greed
0♦Fear
0♦Pressure
Pressure to perform does not justify unethical acts. To be treated fairly is not the same
thing as being treated equally.
ETHICS IN BUSINESS
Ethics or lack of it is evident in every profession. Greedy doctors do unnecessary
procedures and surgery. Lawyers bend the truth. Parents and children alike tell white
lies. Accountants and secretaries often falsify reports.
When we cheat the people around us, most of all we are cheating ourselves. We are
preparing ourselves to be cheated. Prosperity brings responsibility. We cannot build
industry and infrastructure while destroying the moral and social fiber.
The consequences of not following ethical behavior are the same as not following legal
behavior. Some people will never be ethical. They think they are taking the easy way. In
reality it is the tougher way. Could you face yourself if you didn't do the right thing for
your client? Could you brag to your kids and be proud and feel good? If you can't, then
that behavior is unethical.

A sense of humor and pride in oneself keep a person on course.

“You Can Win” By Shiv Khera156

VISION
Why don't people achieve excellence? The big reason is the lack of vision or limited
vision. We need to dream beyond what is possible. Everything that we see today was a
dream before it became reality. Live with enthusiasm, direction and with a sense of
purpose. Do you have a dream? What is your dream? Every day that you live, are you
getting closer to your purpose? Get your advice from successful people and not from
living failures who will tell you how to succeed.
Where the vision is one year, cultivate flowers.
Where the vision is ten years, cultivate trees.
Where the vision is eternity, cultivate people.
Oriental saying
Remember, winners don't do different things, they do things differently!

