October 10th.—Mr. Huntingdon returned about three weeks ago. His

appearance, his demeanour and conversation, and my feelings with regard

to him, I shall not trouble myself to describe. The day after his

arrival, however, he surprised me by the announcement of an intention

to procure a governess for little Arthur: I told him it was quite

unnecessary, not to say ridiculous, at the present season: I thought I

was fully competent to the task of teaching him myself—for some years

to come, at least: the child’s education was the only pleasure and

business of my life; and since he had deprived me of every other

occupation, he might surely leave me that.



He said I was not fit to teach children, or to be with them: I had

already reduced the boy to little better than an automaton; I had

broken his fine spirit with my rigid severity; and I should freeze all

the sunshine out of his heart, and make him as gloomy an ascetic as

myself, if I had the handling of him much longer. And poor Rachel, too,

came in for her share of abuse, as usual; he cannot endure Rachel,

because he knows she has a proper appreciation of him.



I calmly defended our several qualifications as nurse and governess,

and still resisted the proposed addition to our family; but he cut me

short by saying it was no use bothering about the matter, for he had

engaged a governess already, and she was coming next week; so that all

I had to do was to get things ready for her reception. This was a

rather startling piece of intelligence. I ventured to inquire her name

and address, by whom she had been recommended, or how he had been led

to make choice of her.



“She is a very estimable, pious young person,” said he; “you needn’t be

afraid. Her name is Myers, I believe; and she was recommended to me by

a respectable old dowager: a lady of high repute in the religious

world. I have not seen her myself, and therefore cannot give you a

particular account of her person and conversation, and so forth; but,

if the old lady’s eulogies are correct, you will find her to possess

all desirable qualifications for her position: an inordinate love of

children among the rest.”



All this was gravely and quietly spoken, but there was a laughing demon

in his half-averted eye that boded no good, I imagined. However, I

thought of my asylum in ——shire, and made no further objections.



When Miss Myers arrived, I was not prepared to give her a very cordial

reception. Her appearance was not particularly calculated to produce a

favourable impression at first sight, nor did her manners and

subsequent conduct, in any degree, remove the prejudice I had already

conceived against her. Her attainments were limited, her intellect

noways above mediocrity. She had a fine voice, and could sing like a

nightingale, and accompany herself sufficiently well on the piano; but

these were her only accomplishments. There was a look of guile and

subtlety in her face, a sound of it in her voice. She seemed afraid of

me, and would start if I suddenly approached her. In her behaviour she

was respectful and complaisant, even to servility: she attempted to

flatter and fawn upon me at first, but I soon checked that. Her

fondness for her little pupil was overstrained, and I was obliged to

remonstrate with her on the subject of over-indulgence and injudicious

praise; but she could not gain his heart. Her piety consisted in an

occasional heaving of sighs, and uplifting of eyes to the ceiling, and

the utterance of a few cant phrases. She told me she was a clergyman’s

daughter, and had been left an orphan from her childhood, but had had

the good fortune to obtain a situation in a very pious family; and then

she spoke so gratefully of the kindness she had experienced from its

different members, that I reproached myself for my uncharitable

thoughts and unfriendly conduct, and relented for a time, but not for

long: my causes of dislike were too rational, my suspicions too well

founded for that; and I knew it was my duty to watch and scrutinize

till those suspicions were either satisfactorily removed or confirmed.



I asked the name and residence of the kind and pious family. She

mentioned a common name, and an unknown and distant place of abode, but

told me they were now on the Continent, and their present address was

unknown to her. I never saw her speak much to Mr. Huntingdon; but he

would frequently look into the school-room to see how little Arthur got

on with his new companion, when I was not there. In the evening, she

sat with us in the drawing-room, and would sing and play to amuse him

or us, as she pretended, and was very attentive to his wants, and

watchful to anticipate them, though she only talked to me; indeed, he

was seldom in a condition to be talked to. Had she been other than she

was, I should have felt her presence a great relief to come between us

thus, except, indeed, that I should have been thoroughly ashamed for

any decent person to see him as he often was.



I did not mention my suspicions to Rachel; but she, having sojourned

for half a century in this land of sin and sorrow, has learned to be

suspicious herself. She told me from the first she was “down of that

new governess,” and I soon found she watched her quite as narrowly as I

did; and I was glad of it, for I longed to know the truth: the

atmosphere of Grassdale seemed to stifle me, and I could only live by

thinking of Wildfell Hall.



At last, one morning, she entered my chamber with such intelligence

that my resolution was taken before she had ceased to speak. While she

dressed me I explained to her my intentions and what assistance I

should require from her, and told her which of my things she was to

pack up, and what she was to leave behind for herself, as I had no

other means of recompensing her for this sudden dismissal after her

long and faithful service: a circumstance I most deeply regretted, but

could not avoid.



“And what will you do, Rachel?” said I; “will you go home, or seek

another place?”



“I have no home, ma’am, but with you,” she replied; “and if I leave you

I’ll never go into place again as long as I live.”



“But I can’t afford to live like a lady now,” returned I: “I must be my

own maid and my child’s nurse.”



“What _signifies!_” replied she, in some excitement. “You’ll want

somebody to clean and wash, and cook, won’t you? I can do all that; and

never mind the wages: I’ve my bits o’ savings yet, and if you wouldn’t

take me I should have to find my own board and lodging out of ’em

somewhere, or else work among strangers: and it’s what I’m not used to:

so you can please yourself, ma’am.” Her voice quavered as she spoke,

and the tears stood in her eyes.



“I should like it above all things, Rachel, and I’d give you such wages

as I could afford: such as I should give to any servant-of-all-work I

might employ: but don’t you see I should be dragging you down with me

when you have done nothing to deserve it?”



“Oh, fiddle!” ejaculated she.



“And, besides, my future way of living will be so widely different to

the past: so different to all you have been accustomed to—”



“Do you think, ma’am, I can’t bear what my missis can? surely I’m not

so proud and so dainty as that comes to; and my little master, too, God

bless him!”



“But I’m young, Rachel; I sha’n’t mind it; and Arthur is young too: it

will be nothing to him.”



“Nor me either: I’m not so old but what I can stand hard fare and hard

work, if it’s only to help and comfort them as I’ve loved like my own

bairns: for all I’m too old to bide the thoughts o’ leaving ’em in

trouble and danger, and going amongst strangers myself.”



“Then you sha’n’t, Rachel!” cried I, embracing my faithful friend.

“We’ll all go together, and you shall see how the new life suits you.”



“Bless you, honey!” cried she, affectionately returning my embrace.

“Only let us get shut of this wicked house, and we’ll do right enough,

you’ll see.”



“So think I,” was my answer; and so that point was settled.



By that morning’s post I despatched a few hasty lines to Frederick,

beseeching him to prepare my asylum for my immediate reception: for I

should probably come to claim it within a day after the receipt of that

note: and telling him, in few words, the cause of my sudden resolution.

I then wrote three letters of adieu: the first to Esther Hargrave, in

which I told her that I found it impossible to stay any longer at

Grassdale, or to leave my son under his father’s protection; and, as it

was of the last importance that our future abode should be unknown to

him and his acquaintance, I should disclose it to no one but my

brother, through the medium of whom I hoped still to correspond with my

friends. I then gave her his address, exhorted her to write frequently,

reiterated some of my former admonitions regarding her own concerns,

and bade her a fond farewell.



The second was to Milicent; much to the same effect, but a little more

confidential, as befitted our longer intimacy, and her greater

experience and better acquaintance with my circumstances.



The third was to my aunt: a much more difficult and painful

undertaking, and therefore I had left it to the last; but I must give

her some explanation of that extraordinary step I had taken: and that

quickly, for she and my uncle would no doubt hear of it within a day or

two after my disappearance, as it was probable that Mr. Huntingdon

would speedily apply to them to know what was become of me. At last,

however, I told her I was sensible of my error: I did not complain of

its punishment, and I was sorry to trouble my friends with its

consequences; but in duty to my son I must submit no longer; it was

absolutely necessary that he should be delivered from his father’s

corrupting influence. I should not disclose my place of refuge even to

her, in order that she and my uncle might be able, with truth, to deny

all knowledge concerning it; but any communications addressed to me

under cover to my brother would be certain to reach me. I hoped she and

my uncle would pardon the step I had taken, for if they knew all, I was

sure they would not blame me; and I trusted they would not afflict

themselves on my account, for if I could only reach my retreat in

safety and keep it unmolested, I should be very happy, but for the

thoughts of them; and should be quite contented to spend my life in

obscurity, devoting myself to the training up of my child, and teaching

him to avoid the errors of both his parents.



These things were done yesterday: I have given two whole days to the

preparation for our departure, that Frederick may have more time to

prepare the rooms, and Rachel to pack up the things: for the latter

task must be done with the utmost caution and secrecy, and there is no

one but me to assist her. I can help to get the articles together, but

I do not understand the art of stowing them into the boxes, so as to

take up the smallest possible space; and there are her own things to

do, as well as mine and Arthur’s. I can ill afford to leave anything

behind, since I have no money, except a few guineas in my purse; and

besides, as Rachel observed, whatever I left would most likely become

the property of Miss Myers, and I should not relish that.



But what trouble I have had throughout these two days, struggling to

appear calm and collected, to meet him and her as usual, when I was

obliged to meet them, and forcing myself to leave my little Arthur in

her hands for hours together! But I trust these trials are over now: I

have laid him in my bed for better security, and never more, I trust,

shall his innocent lips be defiled by their contaminating kisses, or

his young ears polluted by their words. But shall we escape in safety?

Oh, that the morning were come, and we were on our way at least! This

evening, when I had given Rachel all the assistance I could, and had

nothing left me but to wait, and wish and tremble, I became so greatly

agitated that I knew not what to do. I went down to dinner, but I could

not force myself to eat. Mr. Huntingdon remarked the circumstance.



“What’s to do with you _now?_” said he, when the removal of the second

course gave him time to look about him.



“I am not well,” I replied: “I think I must lie down a little; you

won’t miss me much?”



“Not the least: if you leave your chair, it’ll do just as well—better,

a trifle,” he muttered, as I left the room, “for I can fancy somebody

else fills it.”



“Somebody else _may_ fill it to-morrow,” I thought, but did not say.

“There! I’ve seen the last of _you_, I hope,” I muttered, as I closed

the door upon him.



Rachel urged me to seek repose at once, to recruit my strength for

to-morrow’s journey, as we must be gone before the dawn; but in my

present state of nervous excitement that was entirely out of the

question. It was equally out of the question to sit, or wander about my

room, counting the hours and the minutes between me and the appointed

time of action, straining my ears and trembling at every sound, lest

someone should discover and betray us after all. I took up a book and

tried to read: my eyes wandered over the pages, but it was impossible

to bind my thoughts to their contents. Why not have recourse to the old

expedient, and add this last event to my chronicle? I opened its pages

once more, and wrote the above account—with difficulty, at first, but

gradually my mind became more calm and steady. Thus several hours have

passed away: the time is drawing near; and now my eyes feel heavy and

my frame exhausted. I will commend my cause to God, and then lie down

and gain an hour or two of sleep; and _then!_—



Little Arthur sleeps soundly. All the house is still: there can be no

one watching. The boxes were all corded by Benson, and quietly conveyed

down the back stairs after dusk, and sent away in a cart to the M——

coach-office. The name upon the cards was Mrs. Graham, which

appellation I mean henceforth to adopt. My mother’s maiden name was

Graham, and therefore I fancy I have some claim to it, and prefer it to

any other, except my own, which I dare not resume.