Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort. which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle. guarded by a terrible firebreathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep. in the highest room of the tallest tower. for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I am not the sharpest tool in the shed She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an L on her forehead The years start coming and they don't stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do So much to see So what's wrong with taking the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an allstar Get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is getting pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an allstar Get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mould Go! Go! Go. Go. Go. Hey, now You're an allstar Get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mould Think it's in there? AI right. Let's get it! Whoa. Ho Id on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. that would be a giant. Now, ogres They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. No! They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! Right. where you run away. And stay out! Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! Next! Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! Get up! Come on! Twenty pieces. Sit down there! Keep quiet! This cage is too small. Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! Oh, shut up. Oh! Next! What have you got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Next. What have you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey. Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead, little fella. Well? Oh, oh, he's just He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you bone headed dolt That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. Get her out of my sight. No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! Hey! I can fly! He can fly! He can fly! He can talk! Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a house fly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you are not never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uhoh. Seize him! After him! He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! You there. Ogre! Aye? By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorised to place you both under arrest. and transport you to a designated. resettlement facility. Oh, really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really something back there. Incredible! Are you talking to me? Whoa! Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? Uh Really tall? No! I'm an ogre. You know. Grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? Really, really. Oh. Man, I like you. What's your name? Uh, Shrek. Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of Idon'tcarewhatnobody thinksofme thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. Can I stay with you? Uh, what? Can I stay with you, please? Of course! Really? No. Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! Okay! Okay! But one night only. Ah! Thank you! What are you No! No! This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning I'm making waffles. Oh! Where do, uh, I sleep? Outside! Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me I thought I told you to stay outside. I am outside. Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not home, but it'll do just fine. What a lovely bed. Got ya. Blah! Awful stuff. Is that you, Gorder? How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. Huh? What? I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy? Aah! Oh, no. Oh, no. No! No! What? Quit it. Don't push. What are you doing in my swamp? Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! Oh, dear! Whoa! All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. Oh! Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh, gosh, no one invited us. What? We were forced to come here. By who? Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he. signed an eviction notice. All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh, I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? Any one at all? Me! Me! Anyone? Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now. and get you all off my land and back where you came from! Oh! You! You're coming with me. All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind bigcity adventure. I love it! On the road again Sing it with me, Shrek. Hey. Oh, oh! I can't wait to get on the road again What did I say about singing? Can I whistle? No. Can I hum it? All right, hum it. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! You're a monster. I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? Eat me! I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. All right then. Who's hiding them? Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man. Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? Well, she's married to the muffin man. The muffin man? The muffin man! She's married to the muffin man. My Lord! We found it. Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Oh! Magic mirror Don't tell him anything! No! Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically you're not a king. Uh, Thelonius. You were saying? What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. Go on. So,just sit back and relax, my Lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shutin from a kingdom far, faraway. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a capewearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead. from a dragonguarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! Three? One? Three! Pick number three, my Lord! Okay, okay, uh, number three! Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you love pina coladas And getting caught in the rain Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. I'll do it. Yes, but after sunset Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. Uhhuh. That's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. Hey, you! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just I just It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey, look at this! Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine DuLoc is a perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your. face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is a perfect Place Wow! Let's do that again! No. No. No, no, no! No. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. Sorry about that. That champion shall have the honour no, no the privilege. to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona. from the fiery keep oft he dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runnerup will take his place. and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. Let the tournament begin! Oh! What is that? It's hideous! Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Huh? Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! Get him! Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. Go ahead! Get him! Can't we just settle this over a pint? Kill the beast! No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation Damn! A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no Not me Me, me, me Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station Ah! And I'm always feeling good when I'm having fun Yeah! And I don't have to please no one The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no Not me, not me Not me Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! Shall I give the order, sir? No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! What? Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. Your swamp? Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! Indeed. All right, ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slimecovered toad stool. And the squatters? As good as gone. What kind of quest? You're gonna go fight a dragon. and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp. which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village. and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? Uh, no, not really, no. For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. Example? Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. Yes No! They make you cry? No! You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sprouting little white hairs. No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. Oh, you both have layers. Oh. You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. I don't care. what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, Let's get some parfait, they say, No, I don't like no parfait? Parfaits are delicious. No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Byebye. See ya later. Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uhhuh, uhhuh Uhhuh, uhhuh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uhhuh, uhhuh Uhhuh, uhhuh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? Oh, aye. Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. You know what I mean. You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support, we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. Really? Really, really. Okay, that makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving. And don't look down. Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! But you're already halfway. But I know that half is safe! Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no! Wait! Just, Donkey Let's have a dance then, shall we? Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? Yes, that! Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. No, Shrek! No! Stop it! You said do it! I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. Cool. firebreathing painintheneck anyway? Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon, Shrek. You afraid? No, but Shh. Oh, good. Me neither. 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck am not a coward. Donkey, two things, okay? Shut. up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the kerb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got ya! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Aah! Aah! No. Oh, no. No! Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Oh! Oh! Wake up! What? Are you Princess Fiona? I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! But wait, Sir Knight. This beith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet. out yonder window and down a rope on to your valiant steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Mmhmm. But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A Limerick? Or something! I don't think so. Can I at least know the name of my champion? Um, Shrek. Sir Shrek. I pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. Thanks! You didn't slay the dragon? It's on my todo list. Now come on! But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. Yeah, right before they burst into flame. That's not the point. Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. Slowdown. Slowdown, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me oldfashioned. I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just backup a little and take this one step a ta time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on theroada lot, but I just love receiving cards I'd really love to stay, but Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh! Hi, Princess! It talks! Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. Oh! Okay, you two, head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Run! You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're You're wonderful. You're. a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. Uh, no. Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. No, no, you wouldn't 'st. But how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in the job description. Maybe it's a perk. No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon. is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. Hmm? With Shrek? You think Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think Shrek is your true love! What is so funny? Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now Now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. Just take off the helmet. I'm not going to. Take it off. No! Now! Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness. You You're a an ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He's the one who wants to marry you. Then why didn't he come rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his his pet. So much for noble steed. You're not making my job any easier. I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. You wouldn't dare. Put me down! Ya coming, Donkey? I'm right behind ya. Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! And what of my groomtobe? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. I don't know. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the measuring when you see him tomorrow. Tomorrow? It'll take that Ion? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. But there's robbers in the woods. Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is starting to sound good. Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp now! Hey! Over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. I said good night! Shrek, what are you doing? I just You know Oh, come on. I was just kidding. And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's BITNET, the Fitment. You can guess what he's famous for. I know you're making this up. No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. That is nothing but a bunch of little dots. Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? Our swamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. We? Donkey, there's no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a tenfoot wall around my land. You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do ya think? Are you hiding something? Never mind, Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No, this is one of those dropit and leaveitalone things. Why don't you want to talk about it? Why do you want to? Why are you blocking? I'm not blocking. Oh, yes, you are. Donkey, I'm warning you. Who you trying to keep out? Everyone! Okay? Oh, now we're getting somewhere. Oh! For the love of Pete! What's your problem? What you got against the whole world? I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre! they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Yeah, I know. So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? That's the moon. Oh, okay. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Hmph. Ah. Perfect. Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. Donkey, wake up. Huh? What? Wake up. What? Good morning. How do you like your eggs? Good morning, Princess! What's all this about? We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me. Uh, thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. Shrek! What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Thanks. She's as nasty as you are. you're not exactly what I expected. Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. La Liberte! Hey! Princess! What are you doing? Be still, Mon Cherie, for I am your saviour! And I am rescuing you from this green beast. Hey! That's my princess! Go find your own! Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo I steal from the rich and give to the needy He takes a wee percentage But I'm not greedy I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start Man, that was annoying! Oh, you little Um, shall we? Ho Id the phone. Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? What? That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a There's an arrow in your butt! What? Oh, would you look at that? Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. Why? What's wrong? Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. Donkey, I'm okay. You can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. What are the flowers for? For getting rid of Donkey. Ah. Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. Ow! Hey! Easy with the yanking. I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help. Don't move. Look, time out. Would you Okay. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colourblind! Blue flower, red thorns. Ho Id on, Shrek! I'm coming! Ow! Not good. Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head. It's just about Ow! Ohh! Ahem. Nothing happened. We were just, uh Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just Ugh! Ow! Hey, what's that? That's Is that blood? My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearing a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean Oh, ohohohoh Hey! Lala, lala, lalalala Lala, lala, lala There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. That's DuLoc? Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really Ow! Um, I, uh I guess we better move on. Sure. But, Shrek? I'm I'm worried about Donkey. What? I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. What are you talking about? I'm fine. That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? I'll make you some tea. I didn't want to say nothing, but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. Ow! See? Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. I'll get the firewood. Hey, where you going? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. No kidding. Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. a little differently tomorrow night. come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare you name it. I'd like that. See the pyramids along the Nile Um, Princess? Watch the sun rise from a tropic isle Yes, Shrek? I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while Are you You belong to me Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. IIt's very late. What? Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Good night. Good night. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about? I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know you two were digging on each other. I could feel it. You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. I There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know and I'm not saying I do 'cause I don't she's a princess, and I'm An ogre? Yeah. An ogre. Hey, where you going? To get. more firewood. Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here. I am not playing no games. Aah! Oh, no! No, help! Shh! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! No, it's okay. It's okay. What did you do with the princess? Donkey, I'm the princess. Aah! It's me, in this body. Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me? Donkey! Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shh. Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. I'm ugly, okay? Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now No. I I've been this way as Ion as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I am not never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm. until you find true love's first kiss. and then take love's true form. Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. It's a spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow. before the sun sets and he sees me. like this. All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I am not gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 247. But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek well, you got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd uh, uh I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. I can't just marry whoever want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? Princessand ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my truelove. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? Promise you won't tell. Promise! All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect! Never been better. I I don't There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. You heard what I said? Every word. I thought you'd understand. Oh, I understand. Like you said, Who could love a hideous, ugly beast? But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. Yeah? Well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. What'd I miss? What'd I miss? Couldn't have been a donkey. Princess Fiona. As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad. Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. Forgive me, my Lord, for I was just saying. a short. farewell. That is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. No, you're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! Faretheewell, ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. Yeah? So what? Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? Shrek, I I wanna go with you. I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! But I thought Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah And all I ever learned from love I show to shoot at someone Who outdrew you And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Donkey? What are you doing? I would think, of all people, you would recognise a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. It is around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half. Oh! Your half. Hmm. Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work, I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. Back off! No, you back off. This is my swamp! Our swamp. Let go, Donkey! You let go. Stubborn jackass! Smelly ogre. Fine! Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. Well, I'm through with you. Uhuh. You know, with you it's always, Me, me, me! Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you. for stabbing me in the back! Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. Go away! There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about, uh, somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? Uhuh, no way. I am not saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? Donkey! No! Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? Hmph. I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? Hey, that's what friends are for, right? Right. Friends? Friends. So, um, what did Fiona say about me? What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? The wedding! We'll never make it in time. Hahaha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. Donkey? I guess it's just my animal magnetism. Aw, come here, you. All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. Whoo! People of DuLoc, we gather here today. to bear witness. to the union. Um of our new king Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the I do's? Go on. Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? What are you talking about? There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, Speak now or forever hold your peace. That's when you say, I object! I don't have time for this! Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? Yes. You wanna hold her? Yes. Please her? Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness The chicks love that romantic crap! All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We gotta check it out. And so, by the power vested in me, The whole town's in there. I now pronounce you husband and wife, They're at the altar. king and queen. Mother Fletcher! He already said it. Oh, for the love of Pete! I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean. What are you doing here? Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding Fiona! I need to talk to you. Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me But you can't marry him. And why not? Because Because he's just marrying you so he can be king. Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. He's not your true love. And what do you know about true love? Well, I Uh I mean Oh, this is precious. has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. An ogre and a princess! Shrek, is this true? Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our happily ever after. Now kiss me! Mmmm! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well, uh, that explains a lot. Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! No, no! This hocuspocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? No, let go of me! Shrek! No! stand there, you morons. Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! No! Shrek! And as for you, my wife, Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king! I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have Aaah! Aah! All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead, Shrek. Uh, Fiona? Yes, Shrek? I I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. Aawww! find truelove's first kiss. and then take love's true form. true form. Take love's true form. Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer And not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Oohahh I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Haha! Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Oohahh I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried Ooh! Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe I believe, I believe I believe, I believe I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in selfassertion Destiny or as light diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire some day But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes my way Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home stay home, stay home I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I get such a thrill when you looking my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby if all this is true Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Ohohoh Makes me wanna dance Ohohoh It's a new romance Ohohoh I look into your eyes Ohohoh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on Cause you had my mind gone Eheh, eheh, eheh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Ohohoh, makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Ohohoh, it's a new romance It's a new romance Ohohoh, I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah Look into your eyes Ohohoh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Ohohoh, makes me wanna dance Whoaohoh, dance, yeah Ohohoh It's a new romance Ohohoh, I look into your eyes Look into your eyes, yeah Ohohoh The best years of our lives Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl to do I'm telling you, you're on my mind I wanna be with you Cause when you're standing next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush, I can't get enough It's like It's like Oohooh Hey, what It's like wow Oohooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right. Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All along There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All along Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face. Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy. until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss. of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert travelling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. For he was the bravest, and most handsome. in all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains What? Princess. Fiona? No! Where is she? She's on her honeymoon. Honeymoon? With whom? So she said what's the problem, baby? What's the problem? I don't know. Well, maybe I'm in love. Think about it everytime I think about it. Can't stop thinking about it. How much longer will it take to cure this? Just to cure it, 'cause I can't ignore it. If it's love, love. Makes me wanna turn around and face me. But I don't know nothing about love. Oh, come on, come on Turn a little faster. Come on, come on. The world will follow after. Come on, come on. Everybody's after love. So I said I'm a snowball running. Running down into this spring that's coming all this love. Melting under blue skies belting out sunlight. Shimmering love. Well, baby, I surrender. To the strawberry ice cream. Never ever end of all this love. Well, I didn't mean to do it. But there's no escaping your love. These lines of lightning mean we're never alone. Never alone, no, no. Come on, come on. Jump a little higher. Come on, come on. If you feel a little lighter. Come on, come on. We were once upon a time in love. Hyah! We're accidentally in love. Accidentally in love. Accidentally in love. Accidentally in love. Accidentally in love. Accidentally in love. Accidentally in love. Accidentally. I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love. I'm in love, I'm in love. Accidentally in love. I'm in love. I'm in love. It's so good to be home! Just you and me and. Two can be as bad as one. Donkey? Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How about a side of sugar for the steed? Donkey, what are you doing here? Taking care of your love nest for you. Oh, you mean like. sorting the mail and watering the plants? Yeah, and feeding the fish! I don't have any fish. You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona. That Shrek is a rascally devil. Get your. Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going. Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon? Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you. You know we're always happy to see you, Donkey. But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you. Donkey! Yes, roomie? You're bothering me. Oh, Okay. All right, cool. I guess. Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so. Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue or something. He'll be fine. Now, where were we? I think I remember. Donkey! I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? Enough, Reggie. Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing. upon you and your. uh.Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. Aka Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad? Prince Charming? Royal ball? Can I come? We're not going. I mean, don't you think they might be a bit. shocked to see you like this? might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too. Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club. Stop it. They're not like that. How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance. To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? No! They just want to give you their blessing. Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? If you want to be a part of this family, yes! Who says I want to be part of this family? You did! When you married me! Well, there's some fine print for you! You won't come? Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are not going! And that's final! Come on! We don't want to hit traffic! take care of everything. Hey, wait for me. Oof! Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up! Rawhide! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move 'em on! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Rawhide! Ride 'em up! Move 'em on! Head 'em up! Move 'em on! Rawhide! Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw! Really? No! Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? That's not funny. That's really immature. This is why nobody likes ogres. Your loss! I'm gonna just stop talking. Finally! This is taking forever, Shrek. There's no inflight movie or nothing! The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far, far. All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored. Well, find a way to entertain yourself. For five minutes. Could you not be yourself. Are we there yet? Oh, finally! Wow! It's going to be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on. Hey, goodlooking! We'll be back to pick you up later! Gotta make a move to a town that's right for me. We are definitely not in the swamp anymore. Well, I talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it. Hey, everyone, look. Talk about, talk about movin'. Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh? You working that hat. Movie stars! Announcing the longawaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. Well, this is it. This is it. This is it. This is it. Uh. why don't you guys go ahead? I'll park the car. you still think this was a good idea? Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches. They're my parents. Hello? They locked you in a tower. That was for my own. Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home. Harold, we have to be. Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it. Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna be. A disaster! There is no way. You can do this. I really. Really. Don't. want. to. be. Here! Mom. Dad. I'd like you to meet my husband. Shrek. Well, um. It's easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. Excuse me. Better out than in, I always say, eh, Fiona? I guess not. What do you mean, not on the list? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. What do you mean, not on the list? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time finding this place. No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down! No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon. Waiter! How about a bowl for the steed? Oh, boy. Um, Shrek? Yeah? Oh, sorry! Great soup, Mrs. Q. Mmm! No, no. Darling. So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. Well. Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey? Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and. I know you ain't talking about the swamp. An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children. It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it? Indeed. I just started eating. Harold! What's that supposed to mean? Dad. It's great, Okay? For his type, yes. My type? I got to go to the bathroom. Dinner is served! Never mind. I can hold it. Bon appetit! Oh, Mexican food! My favourite. Let's not sit here with our tummies rumbling. Everybody dig in. Don't mind if I do, Lillian. I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be. Ogres, yes! Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young! Dad! No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower! Shrek, please! I only did that because I love her. Aye, day care or dragonguarded castle. You wouldn't understand. You're not her father! It's so nice to have the family together for dinner. Harold! Shrek! Fiona! Fiona! Mom! Harold. Donkey! Your fallen tears have called to me. So, here comes my sweet remedy. I know what every princess needs. For her to live life happily. Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up. Who are you? Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother. I have a fairy godmother? Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a. Wave of my magic wand Your troubles will soon be gone. With a flick of the wrist and just a flash You'll land a prince with a ton of cash. A highpriced dress made by mice no less. Some crystal glass pumps And no more stress. Your worries will vanish, your soul will cleanse. Confide in your very own furniture friends. We'll help you set a new fashion trend. I'll make you fancy, I'll make you great. The kind of girl a prince would date! They'll write your name on the bathroom wall. For a happy ever after, give Fiona a call! A sporty carriage to ride in style, Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle. Banish your blemishes, tooth decay, Cellulite thighs will fade away. And oh, what the hey! Have a bichon frise! Nip and tuck, here and there to land that prince with the perfect hair. Lipstick liners, shadows blush To get that prince with the sexy tush. Lucky day, hunk buffet You and your prince take a roll in the hay. You can spoon on the moon With the prince to the tune. Don't be drab, you'll be fab Your prince will have rockhard abs. Cheese souffle, Valentine's Day Have some chicken fricassee! Nip and tuck, here and there To land that prince with the perfect hair. Stop! Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but I really don't need all this. Fine. Be that way. We didn't like you, anyway. Oh! You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo. Oh, uh. Fairy Godmother, furniture. I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek. Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? Shrek is the one who rescued me. But that can't be right. Oh, great, more relatives! She's just trying to help. Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving. What? I don't want to leave. When did you decide this? Shortly after arriving. Look, I'm sorry. No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me. happiness. is just a teardrop away. Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy. Let's go, Kyle. Very nice, Shrek. What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. You could've at least tried to get along with my father. I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it. Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted? Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a. Go on! Say it! Like an ogre! Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not. I am an ogre! And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change. I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that. That's real smooth, Shrek. I'm an ogre! I knew this would happen. You started it. I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He's the ogre. Not me. I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice. But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this. thing? Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and. they were in bloom. Our first kiss. It's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster! Oh, stop being such a drama king. Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse! Hello, Harold. What happened? Nothing, dear! Just the old hunting wound playing up a bit! I'll just stretch it out here for a while. You better get in. We need to talk. Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about. we make this a quick visit. What? Oh, hello. Hahaha! So, what's new? You remember my son, Prince Charming? Is that you? My gosh! It's been years. When did you get back? Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert. I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower. Mommy can handle this. He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower. And what does he find? Some genderconfused wolf telling him that his princess is already married. It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time. Stop the car! Harold. You force me to do something I really don't want to do. Hi. Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy! May I take your order? My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy. Er. okay. Two Renaissance Wraps, no Mayo. chili rings. I'll have the Medieval Meal. One Medieval Meal and, Harold. Curly fries? No, thank you. Sourdough soft taco, then? No, really, I'm fine. Your order, Fairy Godmother. This comes with the Medieval Meal. There you are, dear. We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part. So, Fiona and Charming will be together. Yes. Believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter. but for your Kingdom. What am I supposed to do about it? Use your imagination. Oh. Come on in, Your Majesty. I like my town. With a little drop of poison. Nobody knows. Do I know you? No, you must be mistaking me for someone else. Uh. excuse me. I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister. Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. Who's the guy? Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um. He's an ogre. Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly. he don't like to be disturbed. He don't like to be disturbed. Where could I find him? Hello? Who dares enter my room? Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about an ogre problem? You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money. Would. this be enough? You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre. Everyone says I'm getting down too low. Everyone says you've just gotta let it go. You just gotta let it go. I need some sleep. Time to put the old horse down. I'm in too deep. And the wheels keep spinning round. Everyone says you've just gotta let it go. Everyone says you've just gotta let it go. Dear Knight, I pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. Dear Diary. Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. No, no. I was just reading a, uh. a scary book. I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behaviour earlier. Okay. I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over. Look, Your Majesty, I just. Please. Call me Dad. Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other. Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little fatherson time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. by the old oak? We're lost. We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. Head to the darkest part of the woods. Past the sinister trees with scarylooking branches. The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! We passed that three times already! You were the one who said not to stop for directions. Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help. I know! I know. I'm sorry, all right? Hey, don't worry about it. I just really need to make things work with this guy. Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy. Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? What? I ain't purring. Sure. What's next? A hug? Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a. Haha! Fear me, if you dare! Look! A little cat. Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. Oh! Come here, little kitty. Whoa! Hold on, Shrek! I'm coming! Come on! Get it off! Get it off! Oh, God. Oh. No! Look out, Shrek! Hold still! Get it off! Shrek! Hold still! Did I miss? No. You got them. Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from. Puss. in Boots! I'll kill that cat! Ahhaha! Oh! That is nasty! What should we do with him? Take the sword and neuter him. Give him the Bob Barker treatment. Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Senor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this? The rich King? Si. Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing. Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. Gee, thanks. Maybe Fiona would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. That's what the King said. Oh, uh. sorry. I thought that question was directed at me. Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything for her. Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just. I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone. Happiness. A tear drop away. Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you! Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going Pinata! What is a pinata, anyway? No, Donkey! I need you to cry! Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to. Aaaahh! You little, hairy, litterlicking sack of. What? Is it on? Is it on? This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client. But if you come by the office, we'll be glad to make you an appointment. Have a happy ever after. Oh. Are you up for a little quest, Donkey? That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! Ain't no stoppin' us now! Wooh! We're on the move! Stop, Ogre! I have misjudged you. Join the club. We've got jackets. On my honour, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine. The position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let's go, Shrek. Shrek? Shrek! Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him. in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. Let's keep him! Say what? Ahh! Listen. He's purring! Oh, so now it's cute. Come on, Donkey. Lighten up. Lighten up? I should lighten up? Look who's telling who to lighten up! Shrek? They're both festive, aren't they? What do you think, Harold? Um. Yes, yes. Fine. Fine. Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? Mom. Dad. Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. Mom, have you seen Shrek? I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. Can I help you, Your Majesty? Ah, yes! Um. Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice. mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. Oh. You heard that, huh? The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be. well, a bit of a brute. Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. No, really? Oh. Oh, no. That's the old Keebler's place. Let's back away slowly. That's the Fairy Godmother's cottage. She's the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom. Then why don't we pop in there for a spell? Haha! Spell! makes me laugh. Hi. I'm here to see the. The Fairy Godmother. I'm sorry. She is not in. Jerome! Coffee and a Monte Cristo. Now! Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. Look, she's not seeing any clients today, Okay? That's Okay, buddy. We're from the union. The union? We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign. Oh! Oh, right. Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed? Uh. a little. We don't even have dental. They don't even have dental. Okay, we'll just have a look around. Oh. By the way. I think it'd be better if the Fairy Godmother didn't know we were here. Know what I'm saying? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Stop it. Of course. Go right in. A drop of desire. A pinch of passion. And just a hint of. lust! Sorry to barge in like this. What in Grimm's name are you doing here? Well, it seems that Fiona's not exactly happy. Ohhoho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Ah. P, P, P. Princess. Cinderella. Here we are. Lived happily ever after. Oh. Let's see. Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. The Golden Bird, the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman. No, no, no, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. All right, look, lady! Don't you point. those dirty green sausages at me! Your Monte Cristo and coffee. Oh! Sorry. Ah. that's okay. We were just leaving. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. Just. go. Come on, guys. TGIF, eh, buddy? Working hard or hardly working, eh, Mac? Get your fine Corinthian footwear and your cat cheeks out of my face! Man, that stinks! You don't exactly smell like a basket of roses. Well, one of these has got to help. I was just concocting this very plan! Already our minds are becoming one. Whoa, whoa. If we need an expert on licking ourselves, we'll give you a call. Shrek, this is a bad idea. Look. Make yourself useful and go keep watch. Puss, do you think you could get to those on top? No problema, boss. In one of my nine lives, I was the great cat burglar of Santiago de Compostela. Hahahaha! Shrek, are you off your nut? Donkey, keep watch. Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. What do you see? Toad Stool Softener? I'm sure a nice BM is the perfect solution for marital problems. Elfa Seltzer? Uhuh. Hex Lax? No! Try handsome. Sorry. No handsome. Hey! How about Happily Ever After? Well, what does it do? It says Beauty Divine. In some cultures, donkeys are revered as the wisest of creatures. Especially us talking ones. That'll have to do. We've got company. Can we get on with this? Hurry! Nice catch, Donkey! Finally! A good use for your mouth. Come on! You spurn my natural emotions. You make me feel like dirt and I'm hurt. And if I start a commotion. I run the risk of losing you and that's worse. Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love. In love with someone, ever fallen in love. In love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with. Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love. In love with someone, ever fallen in love. With someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with. Fallen in love with. Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with I don't care whose fault it is. Just get this place cleaned up! And somebody bring me something deep fried and smothered in chocolate! Mother! Charming. Sweetheart. This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. Whoa, what happened here? The ogre, that's what! What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. Pardon. Um. Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. What? Oh. I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine. You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. It says, Beauty Divine. How bad can it be? See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapo Rub over your chest, think again! Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion. allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honour to lay my life on the line for you. Oh, no, no. I don't think so. If there'll be any animal testing, I'll do it. That's the best friend's job. Now give me that bottle. How do you feel? I don't feel any different. I look any different? You still look like an ass to me. Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys. Well, here's to us, Fiona. Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. I know. No more wallowing in the mud? I know. No more itchy butt crack? I know! But you love being an ogre! I know! But I love Fiona more. But I love Fiona more. Shrek, no! Wait! Got to be. I think you grabbed the Farty Ever After potion. Maybe it's a dud. Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. Uhoh. What did I tell you? I feel something coming on. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die! Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy. I'm melting! I'm melting! It's just the rain, Donkey. Don't worry. Things seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. It'll be better in the morning. You'll see. The sun'll come out. Tomorrow Bet your bottom. Bet my bottom? I'm coming, Elizabeth! Donkey? Are you all right? Hey, boss. Let's shave him. DDonkey? There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? Dad. I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. Look, I told you he was here. Look at him! Quiet. Look at him. Good morning, sleepyhead. We love your kitty! Here, I fetched a pail of water. Thanks. Uhh! Aahh! Oh. A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm. I'm. Gorgeous! I'll say. I'm Jill. What's your name? Um. Shrek. Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? You're tense. I want to rub his shoulders. I got it covered. I don't have anything to rub. Get in line. Get in line. Have you seen my donkey? Who are you calling donkey? Donkey? You're a. A stallion, baby! I can whinny. Look at me, Shrek! I'm trotting! That's some quality potion. What's in that stuff? Oh, don't take the potion, Mr. Boss, it's very bad. Pah! burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with. nervous disorders. I'm trotting, I'm trotting in place! Yeah! What? Senor? To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight. Midnight? Why is it always midnight? Pick me! I'll be your true love! I'll be your true love. I'll be true. enough. Look, ladies, I already have a true love. And take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied princess. And let's face it. You are a lot easier on the eyes. Inside you're the same old mean, salty. Easy. Cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been. And you're still the same annoying donkey. Yeah. Well. Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes. Ready? Ready! Driver, stop! Oh, God! Help me, please! My racing days are over! I'm blind! Tell the truth. Will I ever play the violin again? You poor creature! Is there anything I can do for you? Well, I guess there is one thing. Take off the powdered wig and step away from your drawers. Not bad. Not bad at all. Father? Is everything all right, Father? Thank you, gentlemen! Someday, I will repay you. Unless, of course, I can't find you or if I forget. Oh, yeah. ChChChChChanges Turn and face the strange. ChChChanges. Don't wanna be a richer one. ChChChChChanges. Turn and face the strange. ChChChanges. Just gonna have to be a different man. Time may change me. But I can't trace time. Halt! Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. Still don't know what I was looking for. And my time was running wild, a million deadend streets. Every time I thought I'd got it made. It seemed the taste was not so sweet ChChChChChanges. Turn and face the strange. Shrek? ChChChanges. Don't wanna be a richer one. Time may change me. But I can't trace time Fiona? Hello, handsome. Shrek! Princess! Donkey? Wow! That potion worked on you, too? What potion? Shrek and I took some magic potion. And well. Now, we're sexy! Shrek? For you, baby. I could be. Yeah, you wish. Donkey, where is Shrek? He went inside looking for you. Shrek? Fiona! Fiona! You want to dance, pretty boy? Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife? Fiona? Shrek? Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. Fiona? Charming? Do you think so? hoping you'd approve. Um. Who are you? Mom, it's me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? Fiona! Fiona! Fiona! Fiona, Fiona! Hohoho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon. Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough? I just wanted her to be happy. And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams. But look at me. Look what I've done for her. It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion will ever change. But. I love her. If you really love her. you'll let her go. Shrek? Senor. What's going on? Where are you going? You wouldn't have had anything to do with this, would you, Harold? People just ain't no good. I think that's well understood. There you go, boys. Just leave the bottle, Doris. Hey. Why the long face? It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place. I hate Mondays. I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you. What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. Come on. Is he really that goodlooking? Are you kidding? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels. Oh. He sounds dreamy. You know. shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins. Except for you. I don't get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. Aye. And that's why I have to let her go. Excuse me, is she here? She's, uh. in the back. Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really. warming up to Prince Charming. FYI, not my fault. No, of course it's not, dear. I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre? No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay? You can't force someone to fall in love! I beg to differ. I do it all the time! Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. Umm. no. What did you say? I can't. I won't do it. Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it? No. Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. He's all high in the front. He can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back. Oh. Thank you, Mother. Um. Mary! A talking horse! The ogre! Stop them! Thieves! Bandits! Stop them! it's gluteus to the maximus here at tonight's Far, Far Away Royal Ball blowout! The coaches are lined up as the cream of the crop pours out of them like Miss Muffet's curds and whey. Everyone who's anyone has turned out to honour Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. And, oh my, the outfits look gorgeous! Look! Hansel and Gretel! What the heck are the crumbs for? And right behind them, Tom Thumb and Thumbelina! Oh, aren't they adorable! Sleeping Beauty! Tired old thing. Who's this? Who's this? Who is this? Oh. It's the one, it's the only. It's the Fairy Godmother! Hello, Far, Far Away! Can I get a whoop whoop? May all your endings be happy and. Well, you know the rest! We'll be right back with the Royal Far, Far Away Ball after these messages. I hate these ball shows. They bore me to tears. Flip over to Wheel Of Torture! I'm not flipping anywhere, sir, until I see Shrek and Fiona. Whizzes on you guys. Hey, mice, pass me a buffalo wing! No, to your left. Your left! Tonight on Knights. Now here's a good show! We got a white bronco heading east into the forest. Requesting backup. It's time to teach these madcap mammals their devil may mare attitudes just won't fly. Why you grabbing me? Police brutality! I have to talk to Princess Fiona! We warned you! Ow! Ow! Did someone let the cat out of the bag? You capitalist pig dogs! Catnip! That's not mine. Find Princess Fiona! I'm a donkey! Tell her Shrek. I'm her husband, Shrek! Quick! Rewind it! I'm her husband, Shrek! Ow! Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball? I'm not going. The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage. There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him. Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother. Change? He's completely lost his mind! Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Shrek. But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night. Thanks. I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent! You have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity. I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad. Shrek? Donkey? Too late. Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here! Oh. Fire in ze hole! Look out below! Quick! Tell a lie! What should I say? Anything, but quick! Say something crazy like I'm wearing ladies' underwear! I am wearing ladies' underwear. Are you? I most certainly am not! It looks like you most certainly am are! I am not! What kind? It's a thong! Oww! They're briefs! Are not. Are too! Are not! Are too! Here we go. Hang tight. Ow! Ow! Hey, hey, hey! Ow! Excuse me? What? Puss! Pardon me, would you mind letting me go? Sorry, boss. Quit messing around! We've got to stop that kiss! I thought you was going to let her go. I was, but I can't let them do this to Fiona. Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around! It's impossible! We'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! Folks, it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick. What? Do you still know the Muffin Man? Well, sure! He's down on Drury Lane. Why? Because we're gonna need flour. Lots and lots of flour. Gingy! Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man! We've got a big order to fill! run, as fast you can! Go, baby, go! There it is, Mongo! To the castle! Come on! Look at the pony! That's right! Follow the pretty pony! Pretty pony wants to play at the castle! Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Fiona and her new husband, Prince Shrek. Shrek, what are you doing? I'm just playing the part, Fiona. Is that glitter on your lips? Mm. Cherry flavoured. Want to taste? Ugh! What is with you? But, Muffin Cake. C Minor, put it in C Minor. Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to dedicate this song to. Princess Fiona and Prince Shrek. Fiona, my Princess. Will you honour me with a dance? Where have all the good men gone. And where are all the gods? Where's the streetwise Hercules. To fight the rising odds? Since when do you dance? Fiona, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises. Late at night I toss and I turn. And I dream of what I need. Hit it! I need a hero. All right, big fella! Let's crash this party! Man the catapults! Aim! Fire! Brace yourselves! Ooh! Purty! Not the gumdrop button! Incoming! Haha! All right! Somewhere after midnight In my wildest fantasy. Go, Mongo! Go! Man the cauldrons! After you, Mongo. That's it! Heaveho! Watch out! Shrek! More heat, less foam! Up where the mountains Meet the heavens above. Out where the lightning Splits the sea. I could swear there is someone Somewhere watching me. Heave! Ho! Look out! Be good. Let me go! Donkey! Puss! Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go! Today, I repay my debt. He's gotta be strong And he's gotta be fast. And he's gotta be fresh From the fight. I need a hero. Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife. Shrek? You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone. Now! Pigs und blanket! Pinocchio! Get the wand! I see London! I see France! Whah! I'm a real boy! Ah! Ah! Aaahh! Catch! Donkey! Oh! I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh! Ha! Ah. That's mine! Pray for mercy, from Puss. And Donkey! She's taken the potion! Kiss her now! No! Hiya! Fiona. Shrek. Harold! You were supposed to give her the potion! Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea. Mommy? Ogres don't live happily ever after. Woo! Ha! Is he? Yup. He croaked. Harold? Dad? I'd hoped you'd never see me like this. And he gave you a hard time! Donkey! No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona. But I can see now. she already has it. Shrek, Fiona. Will you accept an old frog's apologies. and my blessing? Harold? I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve. You're more that man today than you ever were. warts and all. Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion! Midnight! Fiona. Is this what you want? To be this way forever? What? Because if you kiss me now. we can stay like this. You'd do that? For me? Yes. I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after. with the ogre I married. Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! Whoa! No. No, no. Aaah! Ow. Oh, no. like a noble steed to me. Oh. I remember. Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta? Uno, dos, cuatro, hit it! Puss and Donkey, y'all. She's into superstitions. Black cats and voodoo dolls. Sing it, Puss! I feel a premonition. That girl's gonna make me fall. Here we go! She's into new sensations. New kicks in the candlelight. She's got a new addiction. For every day and night. She'll make you take your clothes off. And go dancing in the rain. She'll make you live her crazy life. But she'll take away your pain. Like a bullet to your brain. Upside inside out. Living la vida loca. Hey gorgeous! Living la vida loca. Her lips are devil red. And her skin's the colour of mocha. She will wear you out. Living la vida loca. Living la vida loca Living the vida loca Donkey, that's Spanish! She'll push and pull you down. Living la vida loca. She will wear you out. Living la vida loca. Living la vida loca. She'll push and pull you down. Living the vida loca. Her lips are devil red. And her skin's the colour of mocha. She will wear you out. Living la vida loca. Living la vida loca. Living la vida loca. Living la vida loca. All by myself. All by myself. Don't wanna be. All by myself anymore. Amigo, we are off to the KitKat Club. Come on, join us. Thanks, compadre. I'm. I'm not in the mood. We will cheer you up! Find you a nice burro! Hey, baby! Hey, that's my girl! Yeah! All right! Baby, where you been? I'm sorry, too. I should've stayed. But Shrek had this thing he had to do. What? Say it one more time. What you talking about? Are you serious? Papa! Look at our little mutant babies! Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower. where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming! This is worse than Love Letters. I hate dinner theater! Me, too. Whoa there, Chauncey! Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth. Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you. then take my place as rightful king. What did she say? Whoo, Shrek, yeah! Prepare, foul beast. to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! Happy birthday to thee. Do you mind? Do you mind? Boring! Someday you'll be sorry. Grr! Mommy. You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't! I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother. I will restore dignity to my throne. And this time, no one will stand in my way. Good morning. Good morning. Morning breath. I know. Isn't it wonderful? Good morning, good morning. The sun is shining through. Good morning, good morning. To you. And you! And you! They grow up so fast. Not fast enough. OK, you have a full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir. Great! Let's get started. Come on, lazybones. Time to get moving! yourself a pair of jammies. I got some sleep and I needed it. Not a lot, just a little bit. Someone's always trying to keep me from it. It's a crying shame. It's a royal pain in the neck. I knight thee. If you're filling in for a king, you should look like one. Can somebody come in and work on Shrek, please? I will see what I can do. Oh! Yeah, wow. Is this really necessary? Quite necessary, Fiona. I'm Shrek, you twit. Whatever. Ok, peoples, this isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle! Smiles, everyone! Smiles! I don't know how much longer I can keep this up, Fiona. I'm sorry, Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek? Yeah? You look handsome. Aw! Come here, you. Whoa! My butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. What's your name? Fiddlesworth, sir. Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! That's it! That's good. Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. Shrek! Ow! My eye! My eye! What are you doing? Ahh! Fiona! Are you okay? Yeah. I'm fine. Shrimp! My favorite! Calm down. Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre. I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be. I think that went well. Donkey! Come on, Shrek! Some people just don't understand boundaries. Just think. A couple more days and we'll be back home in our verminfilled shack strewn with fungus. and filled with the stench of mud and neglect. You had me at verminfilled. And, um. maybe even the pitterpatter of little feet on the floor. swamp rats will be spawning. Uh, no. What I'm thinking of is a little bigger than a swamp rat. Donkey? No, Shrek. What if, theoretically. Yeah? they were little ogre feet? Honey, let's be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop, and they cry. then they cry when they poop and poop when they cry. Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extracry and they extrapoop. Shrek, don't you ever think about having a family? Right now, you're my family. Somebody better be dying. I'm dying. Harold? Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. Of course, darling. Fiona. Yes, Daddy? I know I made many mistakes with you. It's okay. But your love for Shrek has. taught me much. My dear boy. I am proud to call you my son. And I'm proud to call you my frog. King dadinlaw. Now there is a matter of business to attend to. The Frog King. is dead. Put your hat back on, fool. Shrek. please come hither. Yeah, Dad? This kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. Next in line. You see, Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed, you're still making jokes. Come on, Dad. An ogre as king? That's not such a good idea. There must be somebody else. Anybody! Aside from you, there is only one remaining heir. Really? Who is he, Dad? His name is. is. What's his name? What's his name?! is. Daddy! His name is Arthur. Arthur? I know you'll do. what's right. Harold? Dad? Dad! Dad? Do your thing, man. When you were young and your heart was an open book You used to say live and let live You know you did, you know you did. You know you did. But if this ever changing world In which we live in Makes you give in and cry Say live and let die Live and let die Hey, lady. You, lady Cursing at your life You're a discontented mother And a regimented wife What does a prince have to do to get a drink here? Ah, Mabel! Why they call you an ugly stepsister, I'll never know. Where's Doris? Taking the night off? She's not welcome here, and neither are you. What do you want, Charming? Not much. Just a chance at redemption. And a Fuzzy Navel. And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! We're not your friends. You don't belong here. You're absolutely right, but, I mean, do any of us? Do a number on his face. Wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White, and what happened? Oh, what's it to you? They left you the unfairest of them all. Now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? Pretty unfair. And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. I hate that little wooden puppet. And Hook. Need I say more? And you, Frumpypigskin! Rumpelstiltskin. Where's that firstborn you were promised? Mabel. Remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot. into that tiny glass slipper? Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now. eating bonbons, cavorting with every last fairy tale creature. that has ever done you wrong! Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. and our side has not been told! So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their. happily ever after? This way, gents. It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. As are you. And, uh, you. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I got to go! I don't wanna leave you either. But you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. But don't worry. I'll send you Be strong, babies. Be strong! Coco, Peanut, listen to your mama. Bananas, no roasting marshmallows on your sister's head. That's my special boy! Come here, all of you! Give your daddy a big hug! Shrek? Maybe you should just stay and be King. Come on. There's no way I could run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur is a perfect choice. It's not that. You see. And if he gives me trouble, I always have persuasion and reason. Here's persuasion and here's reason. Fiona. Soon it's just going to be you, me. and our swamp. It's not going to be just you and me. All aboard! It will be. I promise. I love you. That's lovely. Byebye, babies! Shrek! Yeah? Wait! What is it? I'm. I'm. No! I said I'm. You're what? I said I'm pregnant! What was that? You're going to be a father! Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you! Yeah! Me, too! You! I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! And you, my friend, are royally. Home. Fiona! Fiona? Oh, no. Better out than in, Whoa! No, no, no! It's okay. It's gonna be all right. Huh? Wha. Hey! Stop! Hey, wait! No! No! No, no, no, no! Oh, no! Would you..? Hey! Baba boo. Donkey. Donkey! Wake up! Dada! Shrek! Are you okay? I can't believe I'm going to be a father. How did this happen? Allow me to explain. When a man has feelings for a woman. a powerful urge sweeps over him. I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. How does it happen? And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon When you coming home, son? I don't know when But we'll get together then, Dad. Donkey! Can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? You know I love Fiona, boss. Right? What I am talking about is you, me, my cousin's boat an ice cold pitcher of mojitos and two weeks of nothing but. Don't listen to him! Having a baby isn't going to ruin your life. It's not my life I'm worried about ruining, it's the kid's. When have you ever heard the phrase as sweet as an ogre or as nurturing as an ogre or You'll love my dad. He's a real ogre. Okay. I get it. It's not going to be easy. But you got us to help you. I'm doomed. You'll be fine. Uh, with your journey. Worcestersshiree? Now that sounds fancy! It's Worcestershire. Like the sauce? Mmm. It's spicy! They must be expecting us. What in the shistashire kind of place is this? Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. High school? Ready? Wherefore art thou headed, to the top? Yeah, we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay, we thinkst not, we thinkst not! ease up on the reins. For lo, bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. I'm feeling nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! How did you receive wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of underpants? Let's just say some things are better left unsaid. So I was all like, I'd rather get the black plague than go out with you. Oh, totally. Pardon me. Ugh! Totally eweth. Yeah, totally. I just altered my character level to +3 superbability. Hi. We're looking for someone named. Who rolled a +9 dork spell and summoned the beast and his quadruped? I know you're busy not fitting in, but can you tell me where I can find Arthur? He's over there. There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a king or what? Sorry. Did you say you were looking for Arthur? That information is on a needtoknow basis. It's top secret! Now, gentlemen, let's away. To the showers! Greetings, Your Majesty. This is your lucky day. What are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? You made a funny. Unhand me, monster! Stop squirming, Arthur. I'm not Arthur. I am Lancelot. That dork over there is Arthur. Ah! This is, like, totally embarrassing but Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly. She thought perchance thou would ask her to the Homecoming Dance. Excuse me? Like, whatever. She's into college guys and mythical creatures. Oh, Arthur. Come out, come out, wherever you are! You better run, you little punk nogoodniks! The days of Donkey Dumpy Drawers are over! Hold it. We're here for the mascot contest. We're here for the mascot contest, too. This is a costume? Worked on it all night long. Looks pretty real to me. If he were real, could I do this? Or this? If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful. Now watch this! That's quite enough, boys. Thank you to Professor Primbotom and his lecture. on just say nay. And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire hoozah to the winner of our mascot contest, the ogre? That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys at. whatever it is they're doing! This is all a bit unorthodox. Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Classic. You should be ashamed of yourself! I didn't do it. They did. Please don't eat me. Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! I'm not here to eat him! Time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. What? More like the Mayor of Loserville! Burn. Is this for real? Absolutely. Clean out your locker, kid. You have a kingdom to run. So, wait. I'm really the only heir? The one and only. Give me a second. My good people. There's a lesson here for all of us. Next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, stop and think, Hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. 'Cause, maybe. Just maybe. This guy's gonna turn out to be, I don't know, a king? Maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him. I'm looking at you, jousting team! And Guin. Oh, Guin. I've always loved you. Good friends, it breaks my heart, but. enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world! Alright, let's not overdo it. I'm building my city, people on rock 'n' roll! You just overdid it. You look darling. Just precious. Look at her. Any cravings since you got pregnant? No. Not at all. Do you smell ham? Fiona, please open mine first. It's the one in front. Congratulations on your new mess make. Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella. Look at that! What is it? Wait, babies poop? Everyone poops, Beauty. We all chipped in for a little present, too. You know the baby will love it, because I do! Guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Who's this one from? I got you the biggest one, because I love you most. Have one on me. Love, Snow White. What is it? He's a livein babysitter. Where's the baby? You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. It's nothing. I have six more at home. What does he do? Cleaning. Feeding. Burping. So, what are Shrek and I supposed to do? Work on your marriage. Thanks, Rapunzel. What's that supposed to mean? Come on now, Fiona. You know what happens. You start letting yourself go. Stretch marks. Say goodbye to romance. I'm sorry, but how many of you have kids? She's right! A baby will only strengthen the love Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? When he first found out, Shrek said. Onward, my new friends! To our happily ever afters! Now, bombs away! Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. His name's not Peter. Shut it, Wendy. Enough pillaging! To the castle! You go! Take care of the baby! Everybody stay calm! We're going to die! Everyone in! Now! Come on! Put some back into it! We don't have time. Now go! Quickly, ladies! We'll hold them off as long as we can! Where are Shrek and Fiona? The name doesn't ring a bell. No bell. I suggest you freaks cooperate. with the new King of Far Far Away! The only thing you're ever gonna be king of is King of the Stupids! Hook! Right! Avast, ye cookie. Start talking. Gingy! Papa! On the good ship Lollipop It's a sweet trip to the candy shop You! You can't lie. So tell me, puppet. Where is Shrek? Well, I don't know where he's not. You don't know where Shrek is? It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume. that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. So you do know where he is! On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty Stop it! I do not know where he shouldn't be. If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean On the good ship Lollipop Enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! He's bringing back the next heir? No! Hook! Get rid of this new King. But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. He'll never fall for your tricks! Oh, boy. I can't believe it. Me, a king? I knew I came from royalty, but. I figured everyone forgot about me. Oh, no. In fact the King asked for you personally. Really? Wow. But I know it's not all fun and games. It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. it's harder than it looks. This is going to be huge. Parties, princesses, castles. Princesses. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. The finest chefs will wait for your order. And fortunately, you'll have the royal food tasters. What do they do? Taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. Poisoned? Or too salty. Don't worry. Your bodyguards will keep you safe. All of them willing at a moment's notice. to lay down their lives out of devotion to you. Really? The whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Make sure they don't die of famine! Or plague. Plague is bad. The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. What did I say? We don't want Artie getting the wrong idea. Uh, Artie? Whoa! There goes my hip! Artie! What are you doing? What does it look like?! This really isn't up to you. But I don't know anything about being king! You'll learn on the job! Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back. Back to what? Being a loser? Now look what you did! Who's holding the wheel, chief? Shrek! How humiliating. Oh, nice going, Your Highness. Now it's Your Highness? What happened to loser? If you think this is getting you out of anything, it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another. and you're going to be a father! What? King! You're going to be king! You're going to be king! Yeah, right. Where are you going? Far Far Away from you! Get back here, young man! Boss? I don't think he's coming back. Maybe it's for the best. He's not exactly king material. When did you plan to tell him you were supposed to be king? Come on. Why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Then change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with him. You're right, Donkey. What about this? Shrek! Come on. It's just a joke. Still. Listen, Artie. If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof. But what I am screamin' is, yo check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! If it doesn't groove, or what I'm saying. ain't straight trippin', say, Oh, no, you didn't! You're getting on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's. I'll know it's wack! Ow! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me! Artie, wait. Come on! Help! Hello? Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare to. I knew I should have got that warranty! Mr. Merlin? You know this guy? Yeah. He was the school magic teacher, until he had his nervous breakdown. Technically, I was merely a victim of a level 3 fatigue. At the request of my therapist, and the school authorities, I retired to the tranquility of nature. to discover my divine purpose. Can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? Uh, no. Sure you don't want to try my Rock Au Gratin? It's organic. Thanks. I ate a boulder on the way in. We need directions to Far Far Away. We? Who said I was going with you? I did. People are counting on you, so don't try to weasel out of it. If the job's so great, you do it. Understand this, kid. No more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out. That was your Mr. Nice Guy? Yeah, and I'm going to miss him. Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone! Was that a crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there! Now, which way am I kicking? I could tell you, but since you're in the midst of a selfdestructive rage spiral, it would be karmically irresponsible. Selfdestructive? Are you going to help us or not? Most definitely, but only after you. take the journey to your soul! I don't think so. Look pal! It's either that or primal scream therapy. All right. Journey to the soul. Now, all of you, look into the Fire of Truth. and tell me what you see. Ooh, charades! Okay, I see a Dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls! Okay, monster. Go for it. I see a rainbow pony. Excellent work! Now the boy. This is lame. You're lame! Now just go for it. Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Yes! Stay with it! The dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It's going to fall! Proper head case you are. Really messed up. Okay, I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Look, Artie, um. Just thought I'd help set the mood. for your big hearttoheart chat. I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Even ogres get scared. You know, once in a while. I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it, and I never will be. Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school first chance he got. and I never heard from him again. My dad wasn't really the fatherly type, either. I doubt he was worse than mine. Oh, yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. I guess I should have realized it. He bathed me in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. I guess that's pretty bad. It may be hard to believe, what, with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. But after a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you. and just trust who you are. You know, you're okay, Shrek. You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Thanks, Artie. The soap's because you stink really bad. I feel like a hobo. I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me. Everything's always about you. It's not like your attitude is helping. Maybe it just bothers you I was voted fairest in the land. You mean in that rigged election? Give me a break. Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down thy golden extensions! Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together! Hmm! So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly. in this stinkhole until we rot. No, we get inside and find out what Charming's up to. I know he's a jerk and everything, but that Charming makes me hotter than July. That's it! Rapunzel, wait! Charming, let go of her. But why would I want to do that? Woof! What? Say hello, ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Rapunzel, how could you? Jealous much? Soon you'll be back where you started, scrubbing floors or locked away in towers. That is, if I let you last the week. Pookie, you promised not to hurt them. Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us. We have a show to put on. Shrek will be back soon, and you'll be sorry. Sorry?! Don't you realize once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away. he's doomed? Ow! Look out! They got a piano! Kill them all except the fat one. King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. King Charming? Attack! Artie, duck! Ready the plank! Cowards! What has Charming done with Fiona? She's going to get what's coming to her. And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! We've got to save her. But she's so far far away! Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. No, Shrek. Hold on. I've got an idea. I am a buzzing bee. Mr. Merlin? They need a spell to get them I mean us, back to Far Far Away. Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore. How about a hug? That's the best kind of magic. Please. I know you can do it. I said forget it! But What's with you? It's just so hard, you know? They need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble. 'Cause there's a really bad man. It's just so hard! Come on. Take it easy. No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people. Have a heart, old man. They really need your help to get back. Why won't you help them?! Oh. Okay. I'll go get my things. Piece of cake. Well, well. You want eggs with that ham? I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. Side effects? Don't worry. Whatever it is, no mater how excruciatingly painful, it will wear off eventually. I think. Oops. You sure about this? If Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't cover. Alacritious expeditious. a zoomyzoomzoom! Let's help our friends get back. soon! Wow! It worked. a trip like that since college! Donkey? What? Is something in my teeth? Oh, no! I've been abracadabraed into a Fancy Feastin', secondrate sidekick! look like some kind of bloated pinata! You should think about going on a diet! pants. I feel all exposed and nasty! Oh, so you two think this is funny? I'm really sorry, guys. Don't be. You got us back, kid. How in the Hans Christian Andersen. am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? Hey, hey, hey! Be very careful with those. They were made in Madrid You'll learn to control that. Seriously. Ow! You need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. Watch it. I'm walking here and I'm gonna keep going until. Pinocchio! Shrek! Help me! What happened? Charming and the villains took over! Fiona and the Princesses got away. Now she's. She's what?! What?! Puss! Loan me five bucks. You heard him. Help the brother out. Do you see any pockets on me? Hold on a second. I had no idea, really. I. I swear. Quick! Where is Fiona? Charming has her locked away someplace. You have to find him! He's probably getting ready for the show! Wait, Pinocchio! What show? It's a 'Happily Ever After' after all. Shrek's final performance? Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play! I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it. Don't worry, jefe. I got this. Look. Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you! We're dealing with amateurs. He's a star, people! Hello? I'm so sorry about this, Mr. Shrek. I'm going to lose it! Is everything ready? You did get the list for the dressing room? Breakfast croissant stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. And I hope you have the saffron corn with jalapeno honey butter. Our client cannot get into his proper emotional state. without jalapeno honey butter! I just lost it. They should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I promise! No. With With this sword, I do smote thee! Is smote the right word? Smoot? I don't think that's a word. Maybe I should just smite him. Let's try this again. Now. I pretend to be afraid. Now the kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve. Die, ogre! It just doesn't feel real enough! Who told you to stop dancing?! Wink and turn. What are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly! Our happily ever after is nearly complete, Mummy. And I assure you. the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second. we've had to wait. Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you. Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. Where's Fiona? Don't worry. She and the others are safe for now. Let me guess. Arthur. It's Artie, actually. This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? How pathetic. Stand still, so I won't make a mess. Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be king, right? You weren't really next in line for the throne. I was. But you said the King asked for me personally. Not exactly. What does that mean? I said whatever I had to say, all right? I wasn't right for the job, so I needed some fool to replace me. And you fit the bill. So just go! You were playing me the whole time. You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. You know, for a minute there. I actually thought. That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Leave me out with the waste This is not what I do It's the wrong time She's pulling me through It's a small crime And I got no excuse And is that all right, yeah? Is that all right with you? Is that all right, yeah? If I give my gun away when it's loaded? If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it? Is that all right? Is that all right? Is that all right with you? No. No. Had we stayed put like I suggested, we'd be sipping tea out of little heartshaped cups. Yeah, heartshaped cups. And eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. Yeah, loganberries. Shut up, Cindy. Yeah, shut up. No, you shut up. Stay out of this. Who cares who's running the kingdom? I care. You should all care too. I have your badge number, tin can! Princess! Puss? I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. And I'm me! But you're. Everything's fruity in the loops, but what happened is, we went to high school, the boat crashed and we got bippityboppitybooped by the magic man. You poor sweet things. I don't get it. The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? Where's Shrek? Charming has him. He plans to kill Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom! All right, everyone. We need to find a way out now. You're right. Ladies, assume the position! What are you doing? Waiting to be rescued. You've got to be kidding me. What else can we do? We're just four. I mean three, superhot princesses. two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady! Excuse me. Old lady coming through. Mom! You didn't think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Excuse me. There's still one more. Why don't you just lie down? Okay, girls, from here on out. we take care of business ourselves. Charming Pavilion is proud to present. It's A Happily 'Ever After', after all. Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen. Oi! No food or beverages in the theater! Ow, easy! Sorry. I was showing off for the little one. It's Bring Your Kids to Work Day. Come here, beautiful. Well, she's got your eye. Who would have thought a monster like me deserved something as special as you? Little birdies, take wing Flitting down from the trees they appear And to chirp in my ear All because I sing My babies! Why? Hey, how's it goin'? O to the K. The coast is clear. Let's do this. Go, Team Dynamite! I thought we agreed to use the name Team Super Cool. I recall it was Team Awesome. I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron. Okay! From henceforth, we will be Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron. Ach du Lieber! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Artie! Wait, wait! Where is the fire, senor? Please. Don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on and kept it to yourselves. It's not like it seems. It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it. Using you? You really don't get it. Shrek only said those things to protect you. Charming was going to kill you, Artie! Shrek saved your life. Cue the spot! I wait alone up here I'm trapped another day Locked up here, please set me free My new life I almost see A castle, you and me Yes, a castle, you and me Tis I, Tis I. Upon my regal steed Princess, my love At last you shall be freed. I'm strong And brave, And dashing my way there With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair! Through the blistering desert. Across the stormiest sea. Facing creatures so vile So you can gaze upon me! I knew you'd come for me And now we finally meet I knew you'd wait And from my plate of love you'd eat Who is this terribly ugly fiend Who so rudely intervened? Will Charming fight or flee? Please rescue me! From this monstrosity! Fear thee not, honey lamb! I will slice this thing up like a ham! Oh, boy. You are about to enter a world of pain With which you are not familiar! It can't be any more painful than your lousy performance you are giving. Prepare, foul beast. Prepare, foul beast, your time is done! Could you kill me and then sing? Be quiet! I'm just having fun with you. That's actually a very nice leotard. Thank you. Do they come in men's sizes? Enough! Now you'll finally know what it's like. to have everything you worked for. everything that's precious to you, taken away. Now you'll know how I felt. Sausage roll! Argh. Pray for mercy from Puss! And Donkey! Hey! Hi, honey. Sorry we're late. You okay? Much better, now that you're here. So, Charming, you want to let me out of these so we can settle this ogretoman? Ooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea. Fiona! No! Let go of me! You will not ruin things this time, ogre. Kill it. Oh, what is it now?! Artie? Who thinks we need to settle things this way? You mean you want to be villains your whole lives? But we are villains! It's the only thing we know. You never wish you could be something else? Easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. You morons! Don't listen to him! Attack! What Steve means is it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. Right. Thanks, Ed. Fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know. a good friend once told me. just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre. or just some loser. doesn't mean you are one. What maters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want, or someone you want to be. the only person standing in your way is you. Me? Get him! No, no, no! What I mean is each of you. is standing in your own way. I always wanted to play the flute. I'd like to open up a spa in France! I grow daffodils. And they're beautiful. A new era finally begins! bow before your King! You need to work on your aim. This was supposed to be my happily ever after! Well, you need to keep looking. because I'm not giving up mine. Mommy? It's yours if you want it. But this time it's your choice. Author! Artie! Artie! Artie! Artie! Excuse me. That's my seat. Okay, Senor HocusyPocusy, the time has come to rectify some wrongs! Though I have been enjoying these cat baths. Please say you didn't. All right! Look. You'll feel a pinch and possibly lower intestinal discomfort but this should do the trick. Are you? I'm me again! And I am not you! All right! Oops. Ah, never mind. What did I tell you? The kid's going to be a great king. Well, for what it's worth, you would have, too. I have something much more important in mind. Finally. Dada. Was I wrong about the world? It's a beautiful new place I smell Shrek Junior! Where else could a creep like me Whoa! Meet such a pretty face Meeting every day with the rising sun Looking up, it's looking like My losing streak is done Peekaboo! Peekaboo! A bouncy, bouncy, boy! Used to always feel like Wished that I was dressed better Hey! Where's the baby? Never had a lot of luck until I finally met her Meeting every day with the rising sun Looking up, it's looking like My losing streak is done My losing streak is done Well, what shall we do now? Puss and Donkey, baby! Once again, come on! I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again! Look at my hips! I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again! Break it down! Let's go! Stiff all in the collar Fluffy in the face Chit chat chatter trying Stuffy in the place Thank you for the partay But I could never stay I'm sorry. I got many things on my mind But the word's in the way And I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again Different strokes for different folks Thank you for letting me be myself Again Break it down! Puss and Donkey, baby! Puss and Donkey, baby! Puss and Donkey, baby! Dance to the music All night long Everyday people Sing a simple song Mama's so happy Mama start to cry Papa's still singing You can make it if you try. So try! Thank you for letting me be myself Again Thank you for letting me be myself Again Come on, Donkey. Do something right! Put the hoofs together! Put the hoofs together! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! Thank you for letting me be myself Again I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again Thank you, thank you, thank you. Want to thank you Just to be my Because I just want to be my See? Can I, can I thank you! Can I Yes! Yes! Once upon a time, a long time ago, a king and queen had a beautiful daughter named Fiona. But she was possessed by a terrible curse. By day, a lovely princess. By night, a hideous ogre. Only true love's kiss could lift her curse. So Fiona waited in a tower, guarded by a dragon, until the day when her true love would arrive. But as the days turned into years, the King and Queen were forced to resort to more desperate measures. Whoa, there. I don't know about this, Lillian. Fairy Godmother said only true love's kiss could break Fiona's curse. I don't trust that woman, Harold. This may be our last hope. Besides, he does come highly recommended by King Midas. But to put our daughter's life in the hands of this. person? He's devious. He's deceitful. He's, he's. Rumpelstiltskin! Mrs Highness. How do you do? Down, Fifi. Get down! As you can see, everything's in order. So you'll put an end to our daughter's curse? And, in return, you sign the kingdom of Far Far Away over to me. Lillian, this is madness! What choice do we have? Fiona has been locked away in that tower far too long. It's not like she's getting any younger. But to sign over our entire kingdom? Well, if your kingdom's worth more to you than your daughter. Nothing is worth more to us than our daughter. Jump, Fifi, jump! Just sign it and all your problems will disappear. Your Highness! The Princess! She's been saved! Who saved her? No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. True love's kiss led to marriage and ogre babies! The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace. Goody for them! And they lived happily ever after! Sir? You're gonna have to pay for that. Maybe we could make a deal for it, little boy? Oh, I'm not a real boy. Do you want to be? Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumpel Stinkypants! I wish that ogre was never born! Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Good morning. Good morning to you. Better out than in. That's my line. Did my little Fergus make a. big, grownup ogre stink?! Oh, that's diabolical! And on your left, the lovable lug that showed us you don't have to change your undies to change the world! I wonder what Shrek's up to in there. Get in there. Get. Impossible to put on! OK, the dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop. and finally, into the castle. Play date! Then Shrek kissed the Princess. She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived. Happily. Ever. After. Look! A shooting star! So, what did you wish for? That every day could be like this one. Come here, you. Morning, Daddy. Morning. Better out than in. Did my little Fergus make a. Cute. Real cute. This lovable lug taught us you don't have to change your undies to change the world! Play date! Shrek! The outhouse is clogged up! She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived. Happily. Ever. After? Daddy, get up! Morning. Better out than in. This lovable lug. Play date! No! Outhouse again! Come on. Undies! Outhouse! Get up, get up! And they lived. Happily. Ever. After. Roar. Nice landing, baby. Hey! Now remember, don't eat the valet. Happy birthday, ninos! Vamos a la fiesta! Hey, Shrek, Shrek! Mr Shrek, would you sign our pitchforks? And our torches? Oh, man, you used to be so fierce! Yeah, when you were a real ogre! A real ogre? Shrek, it's a singalong. You've got to sing along! No, thanks. Please? I'll be your best friend. Why does being your best friend entail me doing everything I don't want to do? Please, Felicia, not in Daddy's ear. Excuse me, Mr Shrek? Could you do that ogre roar of yours for my son? He's a big, big fan. Do the roar. You know, I'd rather not. It's my kids' birthday party. Do the roar. Honey? Why don't you go check on the cake? Sure. And don't forget the candles. Hold still. Thanks for the pants, Muffin Man. I always wanted chaps! Yeehaw! Giddy up! Monsieur Shrek. Howdy, Shrek! Your cake. What is that supposed to be? That's Sprinkles the Ogre! Isn't he cute? He looks just like you. But happy. It's a party, Shrek. You gotta cheer up! I'm in a great mood, actually. Oh, I'm gonna lick me a rainbow! Donkey! As long as you're not doing anything, how about one of those famous Shrek roars? Do the roar. Let me set you straight, Butter Pants. An ogre only roars when he's angry. You don't want to see me angry, do you? Do it. Hold it together. Just hold it together. Daddy, he's getting away. Do something. Oh, good. What happened to the cake? Trust me. It's an improvement. You licked it! No. Just because you're an ogre, doesn't mean you have to eat like one. Looks like you forgot the candles! OK, just watch the cake. I'll go get them. Watch the cake? Where's the cake?! We ate the cake. Ya. What? No, don't cry. Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar. Do the roar. Roar. I don't like it. Pigs, we need another cake. We ate the other cakes. One roar, man. Hey, everybody! Shrek's gonna do his famous ogre roar! Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes? We ate them, too. They have lollipops. No, I ate them. You didn't share? Well, you didn't share the croissants! Everything's gonna be OK. Shrek, what's going on? Come on, Shrek, your fans are waiting! Do the roar. We need the cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! I love you, Daddy. Everybody, I have found another cake! Shrek? Are you OK? Unbelievable. Tell me about it! Those villagers. I'm not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I'm talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids' first birthday? Oh, great. So this is all my fault? Yes. But you know what? Let's talk about this after the party, at home. You mean that roadside attraction we live in? Step right up! See the dancing ogre! Don't worry! He won't bite! I used to be an ogre. Now I'm just a jolly green joke! OK, OK, maybe you're not the ogre you used to be. But maybe that's not such a bad thing. I wouldn't expect you to understand. It's not like you're a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace. And the other half locked away in a tower. Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be! Back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace. When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it! Back when the world made sense! You mean back before you rescued me from the Dragon's Keep? Exactly! Shrek, you have three beautiful children, a wife who loves you, friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can't see that is you? That's just great. If she thinks I'm gonna slink back there and apologize, she's got another thing coming. She's not the boss of me. I'm an ogre and I'm not gonna apologize for acting like one. Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help! Please, help! I'm stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain! I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma? Is that you? Yeah, it's me, Granny. An ogre! Please, Mr Ogre, please don't eat me! I'm not gonna eat you. But you are an ogre. Aren't you? Yeah, well, I. I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed. So you're not gonna eat me? No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curlytoed weirdo for breakfast. Wait up! What's your rush? Where you going? Nowhere. What a coincidence! I was just heading that way myself. But, seriously, let me give you a ride. I insist. Come on. It's the least I can do after all you've done for me. I got a hot rat cooking. All right! Can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration? Eyeballtini? Well, maybe just one. So the centaur says, That's not the half I'm talking about. I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre. no worries, no responsibilities. You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please. Free? That's a laugh. Oh, yeah? Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again. Why didn't you say so? Magical transactions are my specialty! Great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favourite people. Hold on. King for a Month. Knight for a Week. Ogre for a day. Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You'll be, like, Roar! And the villagers will be, like, Get away! It's Shrek! I'm so scared of him! It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. When the world made sense. All right, what's the catch? Catch? No. There's no catch. No catchings, really. I mean, there's something. Small thing. Nothing. A little thing. All right, I knew it. So what do you want? A day. A day. Rat's done! To make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That's all. I can't just pick up and leave my family. But that's the best part, Shrek! It's a magical contract. No one will even know you're gone. And by the time this day is up, you are gonna feel like a changed ogre. Still, I don't know. Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big D. Doesn't matter. Do you like white meat or dark meat? So what day would I have to give up? I don't know, any day. A day from your past. A day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? A day some meddling oaf stuck his nose where it didn't belong destroying your business and ruining your life?! Just for an example. How about the day I met Donkey? Now, there's a day I'd like to take back. I don't know who that is. I know. What about a day you wouldn't even remember? Like a day when you were a baby. An innocent, mindless little baby. Take any of those days you want. Take them all for all I care. Oh, just one will do. OK, good. A day from your childhood it is. I guess there's nothing wrong with wanting a little time for myself. Just 24 tiny little hours. I'm still my own ogre! Yeah, you is! I never needed to ask for anyone's permission before. So why start now? Go on, Shrek. Sign it! Go on, Shrek. Sign it, Shrek! Sign it! You signed it. So, tell me. What happens now? Have a nice day. I think I fell on my keys. There are 40 children in that shoe, which is why the weasel goes pop to this very day. Oh, great. As we head over the river and through the woods. Ogre! Kill the ogre! Kill the ogre! This is the part where you run away! Sure is great to be wanted again. Nice one. Fiona? Oh, no. My home. Fiona! Fiona! Are you in there?! All right, Rumpel! This wasn't part of the deal! Rumpel! Ogre! We've got another one, ladies! Get him! Who are you?! What are you doing in my swamp? Looks like a troublemaker! Spread 'em! Nice job, ladies! You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights! You have the right to shut your mouth! Donkey, stop with the singing, will you? Donkey! Donkey, where am I? What's happening? Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song. I'm driving, so I'm in charge of the music. Will you witches make up your mind? Donkey? What's going on? Do you know where Fiona is? Quiet, ogre! You're gonna get me in trouble and I need this job. I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald. Tell me to EIEIO. EIEINo! That's what I said. Where are my babies? And where's your wife, Dragon? Look, I think you have me confused with some other talking donkey. I've never seen you before in my life. Never seen me before? Come on, Donkey! And how do you know my name anyway? It's me, Shrek. Your best friend? A donkey and an ogre friends? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! Can you at least tell me where they're taking me? To the same place they take every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin. Stiltskin! I said quiet! Oh, no. It's time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets! We start tout de suite! Yeah! Gingy? Gingy snap! There's one! Disgusting, filthy ogre! Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature! Move it! Don't worry, Donkey. I'll get us our lives back. Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy! Mr Stiltskin? You got another customer. Wolfie! Yes, Mr Stiltskin. Bring me my business wig. Mr Stiltskin, please! OK, go. Please make me a real boy! Go away! Terms are in the details, balsa boy. Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne! Stiltskin! Shrek! There he is! So close! Have I been waiting for you! Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! So, tell me, how are you enjoying your day? All right, Rumpel, what's going on? What have you done? No, Shrek, it's not what I've done. It's what you've done. Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me. They would never do that. They would if I promised them all their problems would disappear. And then they disappeared! They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter's curse. I ended Fiona's curse! How could you when you never existed? You better start making sense, you dirty little man! Here, let me spell it out for you! You gave me a day from your past, a day you couldn't even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless little baby. You took the day I was born. No, Shrek. You gave it to me. Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up. But you haven't heard the best part. Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you. Where's Fiona? Where's my family? Silly little ogre. You don't get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. Your kids don't exist. How's that for a metaphysical paradox? Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! Happy Ogre Day! Rumpel! Get him, witches! You know what'd help morale around here? Flipflop Fridays. Feet be comfortable with the breeze on your toes. Come on, girls! Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! Do it! I'll be right back, Donkey! I don't know you! I don't know him! I'm glad I'm not you. Help me! Help! Help! No, not my pretty ball! Watch out! Wolfie? My angry wig. Help! I've been kidnapped by a deranged, unbalanced ogre! Donkey! Get off of me! Watch it with your pointy hooves! Just take my wallet! Hey! I'm being assnapped! Animal cruelty! Help! You need to calm down! I'm your friend. I'm not gonna hurt you, all right? Good. I'm gonna let go. right. now. Please! Eat my face last! Send my hooves to my mama! Donkey! You've got to trust me. Why should I trust you? Because. Because. OK. Fine! Go ahead! Run away! Who needs you? I've never seen an ogre cry. I'm not crying. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or my grandma kissing a baby kitten, or a little baby grandma kitten. That is so darn sad. I said, I'm not crying! Take it easy, I'm only trying to help. It's none of my business why you're upset. By the way, why are you upset? I was tricked into signing something I shouldn't have. You signed up for one of them timeshares, huh? No. I signed this. You should never sign a contract with Rumpelstiltskin! Yeah, I got that. His fine print is crafty. I know. His exit clauses are sneaky. Yeah, I. What did you say? I'm talking about the exit clause. Used to be, you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is. Donkey, I've read the fine print. There's nothing about an exit clause in here. Well, you didn't expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it's done. I didn't spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny, little ogre brain couldn't begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygonic foldability skills. What are you doing? Hey, I can't get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you. OK, here's what you gotta do. You fold this piece here, make this letter match up here, bring this corner here, and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. There! Try Lou's Bliss. Who's Lou? Give me that! True Love's Kiss. You have to take me to dinner first. According to fairy tale law, if not fully satisfied, true love's kiss will render this contract null and void. Donkey, you did it! Look at you! If Fiona and I share true love's kiss, I will get my life back! OK! This isn't a petting zoo! So where is this Fiona? Well, that's just it, you see. I don't know. You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So. where did you leave her last? The last time I saw her, I told her I wished I'd never rescued her. Oh, no. Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, wait! Wait, Shrek! What, are you crazy? That's the Dragon's Keep! They keep dragons in there! OK, yeah, fine! Go ahead! I'm gonna just hang back here and find us some breakfast! Fiona! Oh, no. If I didn't save Fiona. then who did? This is the favour Fiona was supposed to give me on the day we met. It's a symbol of our love. Now smell it! Hey, man, get that dirty favour out of my face! Your nose is the only chance I have of tracking down my wife, so stop complaining and start smelling. Smell it! Get it! Away you go, girl! Do I look like a bloodhound to you? In case you haven't noticed, I'm a donkey, not a dog! If I was a dog, they'd call me Dog, not Donkey! And another thing. Wait a minute. I think I got something. Whatever it is, it's sweet. Fiona. Luscious and tasty. Hey! That's my wife you're talking about. Donkey! Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness! Donkey! Don't eat that! There's a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don't you find that a wee bit suspicious? Oh, you. I'm just. What are you.? Bad Donkey! Mustn't. I said, don't! Don't! No! Get away from it. You did. Look out! Donkey! Are you OK? I'm fine. Donkey. Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help! Watch your head. Hey, it's a new guy! Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest. He's really tiny, isn't he? Yeah. Fate has delivered us a comradeinarms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up! Let's go, greenie. Now, wait a minute! Hey! Here you go. Welcome to the resistance. Resistance? We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! I didn't know we could do that. Help! You can't eat me! I got the mange! I'm poisonous! I'm all poi. I'll take him! This order's to go. Hey! I haven't removed his giblets yet. Trust me, you don't want to eat this one. I go down smooth, but come out fighting! Let go! Don't make Mama mad. Your dinner is my friend! Come on, guys! I got to get the giblets out! She's back. There she is. Fiona! I'm so happy I found you! Maybe you missed orientation, but for future reference, personal space is very important to me. You don't know who I am, do you? No. Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight. I need to talk to you. What is it? OK, I know you don't remember me, but. we're married. Hear me out. And at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, and this boy kept saying, Do the roar. Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. Right? Who's with me? I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought. Fiona, I need to. Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! Fiona! Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches! Come on, now. Fiona, that's the third patrol today. We can't hide forever. Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won't have to. That's your wife? That's my wife. Well, I see who wears the chain mail in your family! Some people like to look at the goblet as. as half empty. Me, I like to look at it as half full. We've gone from the bottom to the top, ladies. But we're not just an empire. We're a family. Everyone has got their cupcake? Cupcake, cupcake? Good. Yes? Baba? Good. Yeah, you know, we have put away a lot of ogres. And so one got away. Who cares? It's not a big deal. It doesn't matter to me. It's not like it's the end of the world. Except. funny thing. Now that I think about it, the ogre who got away is Shrek! And if he shares a kiss with Fiona by sunrise, it is the end of the world! Our world! My empire! But, as I was saying, I like to look at the goblet as half full. Yelling makes me so parched. Would anyone care for some water? Wet your whistle? A clear, crisp, delicious glass. of agua purificada? Anybody's thirsty? Nobody's thirsty? No? Well, then does anyone care to tell me what it's going to take to get this ogre? You. Faster brooms? No! Pointier hats? No! You! Maybe we could hire a professional bounty hunter? What a world! What a world! You know, actually not a bad idea. Baba! I need a bounty hunter. And if music doth soothe the savage beast. then I think I might know just the person! Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight's ogre hunt himself. He's never done that before. What? Why? I bet that's because of us. If that cupcakeeating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest. he'll be vulnerable. The plan's simple. If they follow the usual patrol route, they'll reach the river by midnight. We'll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I'll give the signal. And then we attack! And when the smoke clears. Wait, what's this? That's my chimichanga stand. No, Cookie. We won't be needing that. Trust me, Fiona. Y'all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, OK? Go and finish your little speech. All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free. And so will we. Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace. Man, this is serious! Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise? Actually, I was talking about the revolution. Revolution? Why don't you just tell her what you told me? About how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe. Well, while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a firebreathing dragon and you have little, mutant donkeydragon babies. I do?! You saw what happened. She's gonna think I'm crazy. I'm a daddy? You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once. then I can do it again. Shrek, do my babies have hooves or talons? Donkey.! Hello? Fiona? You should not be here, senor. Puss? You've gotta be kidding me. Feed me, if you dare. Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa. fancy. Do I know you? Well, where's your hat? Where's your belt? Your wee little boots? Boots? For a cat? Ha! But you're Puss in Boots. Maybe once. But that is a name I have outgrown. That's not the only thing you've outgrown. Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. I'll get him later. Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft. Well, I do get brushed twice a day. Look, it's not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona. What are you doing? Can I help you with something? Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be. rallying the troops, planning attacks, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension. A gift basket? You're welcome. So let's see what you got. Heartshaped box of slugs. Skunkscented candle. Look, this really isn't the. What's this? Coupons! Let's see, Good for one free foot massage. A mud facial! Oh, and here's one. Good for one free kiss. Let's cash it now. Look, I don't know what this is all about, but I'm trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin's head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful! Wow. You're right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. No hard feelings? An apologetic hug? And a quick kiss goodbye. Hey! Wait! Is that mistletoe I see? Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable? Where'd we find that guy? Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft? Don't be silly. Now who's a pretty kitty? I am. Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi. Honk. All right, Piggies, be gone! Don't forget to take her little potty box with you. This little piggy wants to go home! Mr Stiltskin! He's here. Nice. Pied Piper. How was your commute? Good. You call this guy a bounty hunter? What's he gonna do, flute those ogres a lullaby? OK, got it! Make it stop! All right, that's enough. Looks like it's time to pay the piper. Griselda, seriously, it's time to pay the piper. Now go get my chequebook! Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here! Here, now make sure they eat up! You can't end tyranny on an empty stomach! Go on! Go! Dindin! Come on, Donkey. One more time, please? All right, but this is the last time. Here it comes. Look at him. I see you! That's quite a friend you've got there. I can see why you haven't eaten him. Donkey! I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I'm not getting anywhere with Fiona. I need your help! Hey, everybody. Who wants dessert? Where'd you get these? Fiona's garbage. Just another gift from some clueless lover boy. That's a good one, Cookie! Anyone who knows Fiona knows this stuff ain't gonna work on her. Works on me. Donkey, what am I gonna do? It's like I don't even know her. You in trouble, Romeo. The only thing Fiona cares about is her cause. To the cause! To the cause! All right! Hello! Nice moves. What are you doing? What does it look like? I'm getting ready for ambush action. Oh, yeah. I always like to quad my lutes and do some scrunches before an operational. op. This one taken? We use that to clean the toilets. And we use that one to clean the thing we clean the toilets with. I knew that. There you go, chief. Hey. Scott? My name is Shrek, actually. You're going to get yourself killed at the ambush tonight. I'll be fine. I think I can take care of myself. Well, let's see about that. Hey! Hey. Hey! What the.? Fiona? I got it. Give me your hand. The dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop and finally. Into the castle. Wow. OK. Good. It seems like you can handle yourself. But, Fiona. Go get ready for the mission! I will, but Fiona. That's an order! All right, let's get those axes sharpened and weapons packed! Preparation is half the battle! Ogre! Un momento! Un momento! Ogre, ogre, un momento! Just give me a minute. Look, Puss, I'm a little pressed for time. I am not believing what I have just witnessed. Back there, you and Fiona. There was a spark. a spark inside her heart I thought was long extinguished. It was as if, for one moment, Fiona had actually found her true love! I am her true love. I ended her curse. You know of her curse? By day, one way, by night another. This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss. and then take love's true form. You even know the little rhyme! It is true! You are the one! You must prove it to her! How? Convince her! Go to her when she is alone and tell her something that only her true love would know. Know about what?! Whoa! That's a whole lot of kitty! Shrek, can we keep him? Excuse me. Coming through! Pardon me, guys! Watch your back. Look, Donkey, the chimichanga cart! Quick! After him, burro! Donkey, Man, you are a catastrophe! And you are ridonkeylous! I'll scout ahead. Wait for my signal. Secure your positions! It's quite a view from up here. What are you doing?! Get back in position! You need to know, once and for all, who I really am. You are going to ruin everything! Ruin everything? Actually, I'm gonna fix everything. The ogres, Rumpel, your curse. How do you know about my curse?! OK, OK, please, Fiona. Just hear me out. I can explain everything. Where's Fiona's signal? What's she waiting for? He's going to get away! No, he's not. Listen, I don't know who you are or how you know about my curse, but if any of these ogres find out I'm. A beautiful princess? That is not who I am! Not anymore. Look, I know you're upset. You don't know anything about me. I know everything about you. I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. Big deal. I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the I. So what? I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose and you make a wish. I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes. you're afraid you're gonna wake up back in that tower. But, most importantly, Fiona. I know that the reason you turn human every day. is because you've never been kissed. well. by me. You move fast. It's not me doing the moving. Why is this happening?! Love? No, I'm being forced to dance! By love! No, I can't stop myself! Please! Make it stop! I can't control myself! Yeah! Cookie's bringing the heat out of the kitchen! Oh, no! It's the Piper! I can't believe I let this happen, and it's all because of you! If you'd just let me kiss you! What? You're insane! We must do something before they fandango themselves into oblivion! What can we do? First, you must stop dancing! When somebody tooties that flutey, I got to shake my booty! Then it's up to me! Hurry! We must get them away from the music! Puss and Donkey to the rescue! We saved the day! Donkey. Can I borrow your tongue? Say what?! No. Hell. I don't care how big your eyes get, player, it's not going down. All right! Stop! Where are you going? To save my friends. How, by getting yourself killed? If that's what it takes. Puss, say something. Puss? Let me explain. That's how you knew so much about me. Fiona, wait! Kiss me. What? It's the only way to save your friends. Get out of my way. You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything! I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense. True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything! Yeah, you know, that's what they told me, too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale. Fiona, don't say that. It does exist! How would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night, waiting for a true love that never came?! But. But I'm your true love. Then where were you when I needed you? Maybe you kissed her wrong? No. The kiss didn't work. because Fiona doesn't love me. Don't despair, fellow ogres! They can put us in cages, but they can't cage our honour! Shrek and Fiona are together?! Yeah, I've heard enough of your tootaleetoots! You blew it! Wolfie! My speech wig. Baba! Ready my makeup. And Piper, pull my socks up. Tight. Attention, citizens. Please stay tuned for a message from our tyrannical dictator! Hello, people. It is I, Rumpelstiltskin. shepherd of your dreams. Recently, a certain somebody has jeopardized our joyous lives. And that somebody is the ratmunching ogre called Shrek! That is why I come to you, dear citizens. For whomever brings me this ogre, shall receive the deal of a lifetime. Just think of it! Total and complete happiness. Ya! Dazzling, radiant fulfilment! All your greatest wishes. Yeah! Your wildest dreams. Anything you could ever want! No strings attached! But hurry, this is a limited time offer. So light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks and get your mob on! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Go back where you came from! It seems that we are safe. Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go. What's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over. Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end, you'll see. I bet by this time tomorrow. Don't you understand? There is no tomorrow. There's no day after that, and there's no day after that day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never going to get it back! If your life was so perfect, why'd you sign it away to Rumpelstiltskin? Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! All right? I didn't know what I had. Surrender now! I'm taking you in! Don't try to fight it, ogre! The reward is mine! Gingy? You unhand me, green devil! What are you doing? Collecting my bounty! Bounty? What are you talking about, cracker? Rumpelstiltskin promised the deal of a lifetime for whoever could bring you in. Deal of a lifetime? Where all your wishes come true. Wait a minute. I can still fix this. How you gonna do that? You know what? I'm gonna give Rumpelstiltskin exactly what he wants. OK, Gingy, tell me about this. Were you going to eat that? Not Shrek. That is not Shrek. Also not Shrek. That's not even an ogre, it is a troll! Nice try. And that. Roar. is just sad. And what is that supposed to be? I'm just a frightened old man. Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty! That is your father painted green. No, it's Shrek! Honest! Take them away! Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! I want him! I want him! I want him! Stiltskin! I hear you're looking for me. All right! Finally! Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime? I do. What? But. If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. That means you have to give me anything I want. No! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna. in here and get your life back. I'm not here to get my life back. Then what do you want? The ogres. They are all free. But where is Shrek? This is not good. I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. All that matters is that they're free. and Fiona is safe. I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that. But, hey. I guess you can tell her yourself. Fiona! Stiltskin, we had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres! Oh, yeah. But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she? By day, one way, by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Nobody's smart but me! That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you. No, you were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the Dragon's Keep, but. every day since. Well. you're here now. Let go of me! I have got to save Shrek! Don't be a fool, mule! She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard. And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches. Hey! We can hear you! Sorry! We must get into the palace. Man, Shrek and me just busted out of that place! But how? The same way we're gonna bust in. Yay! My new pretty ball! Didn't it look bigger in the catalogue? I guess it'll have to do. Witches, finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. The main event of the evening! I present Shrek and Fiona! And now, to put the past behind us once and for all, I give you a princess's worst nightmare! Fiona's old flame, the keeper of the keep. Dragon! Donkey? And Puss! In Boots! Get them, get them, witches! Incoming! Donkey, woo her! Woo who? Your wife! Uhoh. I'll call you! We're in love! Fiona, hold on! Hey, you! Chimichangas?! Get 'em while they're hot! Jump! Now! The dragon goes under the bridge! Through the loop! And finally. Into the castle! Run! Foo! So long! Come on, Fifi, go! Go! Witches, close up the floor! Come on, Fifi, go! Flappity flap! Come on, go! Fly away! Up, up! Go! Fifi, no! Victory is ours! Looks like we're having curlytoed weirdo for breakfast. Hey, we make a pretty good team. You have no idea. Shrek? His day is up. His day is.! Shrek? It's all right. There has to be something I can do. You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family. You have kids? We have kids. Fergus, Farkle and a little girl named. Felicia. Felicia. I always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia. And someday. you will. You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again. Fiona, the sunrise! You're still. an ogre! True love's form. Impossible! The kiss worked. What?! Fifi! Puss! No, no, no! No, not yet! I'm not ready! No, wait! I love you, Daddy! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Everybody, I have found another cake! Shrek? Are you OK? Fiona. I've never been better. Roar! Happy Birthday, Farkle. Fergus, my little man! And Felicia, sweetheart. I believe this is yours. Thank you, Daddy. Hey, Uncle Shrek! How about giving my babies an encore! Please, seOor, let us have it! I didn't know we could do that. That's my best friend! You know, I always thought that I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep. You did. No. It was you that rescued me. Yummy!
