Twenty-Second: Night.—What have I done? and what will be the end of it?

I cannot calmly reflect upon it; I cannot sleep. I must have recourse

to my diary again; I will commit it to paper to-night, and see what I

shall think of it to-morrow.



I went down to dinner resolving to be cheerful and well-conducted, and

kept my resolution very creditably, considering how my head ached and

how internally wretched I felt. I don’t know what is come over me of

late; my very energies, both mental and physical, must be strangely

impaired, or I should not have acted so weakly in many respects as I

have done; but I have not been well this last day or two. I suppose it

is with sleeping and eating so little, and thinking so much, and being

so continually out of humour. But to return. I was exerting myself to

sing and play for the amusement, and at the request, of my aunt and

Milicent, before the gentlemen came into the drawing-room (Miss Wilmot

never likes to waste her musical efforts on ladies’ ears alone).

Milicent had asked for a little Scotch song, and I was just in the

middle of it when they entered. The first thing Mr. Huntingdon did was

to walk up to Annabella.



“Now, Miss Wilmot, won’t _you_ give us some music to-night?” said he.

“Do now! I know you will, when I tell you that I have been hungering

and thirsting all day for the sound of your voice. Come! the piano’s

vacant.”



It was, for I had quitted it immediately upon hearing his petition. Had

I been endowed with a proper degree of self-possession, I should have

turned to the lady myself, and cheerfully joined my entreaties to his,

whereby I should have disappointed his expectations, if the affront had

been purposely given, or made him sensible of the wrong, if it had only

arisen from thoughtlessness; but I felt it too deeply to do anything

but rise from the music-stool, and throw myself back on the sofa,

suppressing with difficulty the audible expression of the bitterness I

felt within. I knew Annabella’s musical talents were superior to mine,

but that was no reason why I should be treated as a perfect nonentity.

The time and the manner of his asking her appeared like a gratuitous

insult to me; and I could have wept with pure vexation.



Meantime, she exultingly seated herself at the piano, and favoured him

with two of his favourite songs, in such superior style that even I

soon lost my anger in admiration, and listened with a sort of gloomy

pleasure to the skilful modulations of her full-toned and powerful

voice, so judiciously aided by her rounded and spirited touch; and

while my ears drank in the sound, my eyes rested on the face of her

principal auditor, and derived an equal or superior delight from the

contemplation of his speaking countenance, as he stood beside her—that

eye and brow lighted up with keen enthusiasm, and that sweet smile

passing and appearing like gleams of sunshine on an April day. No

wonder he should hunger and thirst to hear her sing. I now forgave him

from my heart his reckless slight of me, and I felt ashamed at my

pettish resentment of such a trifle—ashamed too of those bitter envious

pangs that gnawed my inmost heart, in spite of all this admiration and

delight.



“There now,” said she, playfully running her fingers over the keys when

she had concluded the second song. “What shall I give you next?”



But in saying this she looked back at Lord Lowborough, who was standing

a little behind, leaning against the back of a chair, an attentive

listener, too, experiencing, to judge by his countenance, much the same

feelings of mingled pleasure and sadness as I did. But the look she

gave him plainly said, “Do you choose for me now: I have done enough

for him, and will gladly exert myself to gratify you;” and thus

encouraged, his lordship came forward, and turning over the music,

presently set before her a little song that I had noticed before, and

read more than once, with an interest arising from the circumstance of

my connecting it in my mind with the reigning tyrant of my thoughts.

And now, with my nerves already excited and half unstrung, I could not

hear those words so sweetly warbled forth without some symptoms of

emotion I was not able to suppress. Tears rose unbidden to my eyes, and

I buried my face in the sofa-pillow that they might flow unseen while I

listened. The air was simple, sweet, and sad. It is still running in my

head, and so are the words:—



Farewell to thee! but not farewell

    To all my fondest thoughts of thee:

Within my heart they still shall dwell;

    And they shall cheer and comfort me.



O beautiful, and full of grace!

    If thou hadst never met mine eye,

I had not dreamed a living face

    Could fancied charms so far outvie.



If I may ne’er behold again

    That form and face so dear to me,

Nor hear thy voice, still would I fain

    Preserve, for aye, their memory.



That voice, the magic of whose tone

    Can wake an echo in my breast,

Creating feelings that, alone,

    Can make my tranced spirit blest.



That laughing eye, whose sunny beam

    My memory would not cherish less;—

And oh, that smile! I whose joyous gleam

    No mortal languish can express.



Adieu! but let me cherish, still,

    The hope with which I cannot part.

Contempt may wound, and coldness chill,

    But still it lingers in my heart.



And who can tell but Heaven, at last,

    May answer all my thousand prayers,

And bid the future pay the past

    With joy for anguish, smiles for tears.





When it ceased, I longed for nothing so much as to be out of the room.

The sofa was not far from the door, but I did not dare to raise my

head, for I knew Mr. Huntingdon was standing near me, and I knew by the

sound of his voice, as he spoke in answer to some remark of Lord

Lowborough’s, that his face was turned towards me. Perhaps a

half-suppressed sob had caught his ear, and caused him to look

round—heaven forbid! But with a violent effort, I checked all further

signs of weakness, dried my tears, and, when I thought he had turned

away again, rose, and instantly left the apartment, taking refuge in my

favourite resort, the library.



There was no light there but the faint red glow of the neglected

fire;—but I did not want a light; I only wanted to indulge my thoughts,

unnoticed and undisturbed; and sitting down on a low stool before the

easy-chair, I sunk my head upon its cushioned seat, and thought, and

thought, until the tears gushed out again, and I wept like any child.

Presently, however, the door was gently opened and someone entered the

room. I trusted it was only a servant, and did not stir. The door was

closed again—but I was not alone; a hand gently touched my shoulder,

and a voice said, softly,—“Helen, what is the matter?”



I could not answer at the moment.



“You must, and shall tell me,” was added, more vehemently, and the

speaker threw himself on his knees beside me on the rug, and forcibly

possessed himself of my hand; but I hastily caught it away, and

replied,—“It is nothing to you, Mr. Huntingdon.”



“Are you sure it is nothing to me?” he returned; “can you swear that

you were not thinking of me while you wept?” This was unendurable. I

made an effort to rise, but he was kneeling on my dress.



“Tell me,” continued he—“I want to know,—because if you were, I have

something to say to you,—and if not, I’ll go.”



“Go then!” I cried; but, fearing he would obey too well, and never come

again, I hastily added—“Or say what you have to say, and have done with

it!”



“But which?” said he—“for I shall only say it if you really were

thinking of me. So tell me, Helen.”



“You’re excessively impertinent, Mr. Huntingdon!”



“Not at all—too pertinent, you mean. So you won’t tell me?—Well, I’ll

spare your woman’s pride, and, construing your silence into ‘Yes,’ I’ll

take it for granted that I was the subject of your thoughts, and the

cause of your affliction—”



“Indeed, sir—”



“If you deny it, I won’t tell you my secret,” threatened he; and I did

not interrupt him again, or even attempt to repulse him: though he had

taken my hand once more, and half embraced me with his other arm, I was

scarcely conscious of it at the time.



“It is this,” resumed he: “that Annabella Wilmot, in comparison with

you, is like a flaunting peony compared with a sweet, wild rosebud

gemmed with dew—and I love you to distraction!—Now, tell me if that

intelligence gives you any pleasure. Silence again? That means yes.

Then let me add, that I cannot live without you, and if you answer No

to this last question, you will drive me mad.—Will you bestow yourself

upon me?—you will!” he cried, nearly squeezing me to death in his arms.



“No, no!” I exclaimed, struggling to free myself from him—“you must ask

my uncle and aunt.”



“They won’t refuse me, if you don’t.”



“I’m not so sure of that—my aunt dislikes you.”



“But _you_ don’t, Helen—say you love me, and I’ll go.”



“I wish you _would_ go!” I replied.



“I will, this instant,—if you’ll only say you love me.”



“You know I do,” I answered. And again he caught me in his arms, and

smothered me with kisses.



At that moment my aunt opened wide the door, and stood before us,

candle in hand, in shocked and horrified amazement, gazing alternately

at Mr. Huntingdon and me—for we had both started up, and now stood wide

enough asunder. But _his_ confusion was only for a moment. Rallying in

an instant, with the most enviable assurance, he began,—“I beg ten

thousand pardons, Mrs. Maxwell! Don’t be too severe upon me. I’ve been

asking your sweet niece to take me for better, for worse; and she, like

a good girl, informs me she cannot think of it without her uncle’s and

aunt’s consent. So let me implore you not to condemn me to eternal

wretchedness: if _you_ favour my cause, I am safe; for Mr. Maxwell, I

am certain, can refuse you nothing.”



“We will talk of this to-morrow, sir,” said my aunt, coldly. “It is a

subject that demands mature and serious deliberation. At present, you

had better return to the drawing-room.”



“But meantime,” pleaded he, “let me commend my cause to your most

indulgent—”



“No indulgence for you, Mr. Huntingdon, must come between me and the

consideration of my niece’s happiness.”



“Ah, true! I know she is an angel, and I am a presumptuous dog to dream

of possessing such a treasure; but, nevertheless, I would sooner die

than relinquish her in favour of the best man that ever went to

heaven—and as for her happiness, I would sacrifice my body and soul—”



“Body and _soul_, Mr. Huntingdon—sacrifice your _soul?_”



“Well, I would lay down life—”



“You would not be required to lay it down.”



“I would spend it, then—devote my life—and all its powers to the

promotion and preservation—”



“Another time, sir, we will talk of this—and I should have felt

disposed to judge more favourably of your pretensions, if you too had

chosen another time and place, and let me add—another _manner_ for your

declaration.”



“Why, you see, Mrs. Maxwell,” he began—



“Pardon me, sir,” said she, with dignity—“The company are inquiring for

you in the other room.” And she turned to me.



“Then _you_ must plead for me, Helen,” said he, and at length withdrew.



“You had better retire to your room, Helen,” said my aunt, gravely. “I

will discuss this matter with you, too, to-morrow.”



“Don’t be angry, aunt,” said I.



“My dear, I am not angry,” she replied: “I am _surprised_. If it is

true that you told him you could not accept his offer without our

consent—”



“It _is_ true,” interrupted I.



“Then how could you permit—?”



“I couldn’t help it, aunt,” I cried, bursting into tears. They were not

altogether the tears of sorrow, or of fear for her displeasure, but

rather the outbreak of the general tumultuous excitement of my

feelings. But my good aunt was touched at my agitation. In a softer

tone, she repeated her recommendation to retire, and, gently kissing my

forehead, bade me good-night, and put her candle in my hand; and I

went; but my brain worked so, I could not think of sleeping. I feel

calmer now that I have written all this; and I will go to bed, and try

to win tired nature’s sweet restorer.